HappyPanda Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 we spent the whole weekend together... had the NICEST time. Lots of affection and laughter... We've been dating for 15 months. Since we started dating, he's known that Ive been saving up to move to Brooklyn, only recently have we seriouslly talked about him moving with me and getting an apartment together... By the time that comes around, we will have been dating for almost two years. We decided to look at apartments this afternoon, just to get an idea of what we can get with our budget and we talked about our non negotiables. The ONLY stipulations I have is that I want to be in an area that isnt too too far away from Manhattan, that as a little bit of life to it (restaurants, coffee shops, bars etc) NOT too hard to find in Brooklyn. My guy made some comment that if we moved to an area thats really far away (Kennsington) that we could have a nicer apartment, and I told him that I didnt want to live in that area. He got all snarky and kinda patronized me with eye rolling, and snickers. And it rubbed me the wrong way so I kinda snapped and told him that this is something Ive been saving for and planning to do for the past year, and that he can come with me, but my mind is made up on what Im looking for... that this is my dream. He got mad, told me that Im always so quick to push him away, and that he doesnt feel a "part" of this... and left. Now Im sitting in my apartment alone, and I feel bad. I do want him to go with me, but to be honest, I am afraid... I also dont want to compromise too much on something Ive been working towards and planning on, for a long time...
Author HappyPanda Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 It also kinda freaked me out that he just left the way he did... When we live together and problems arise, he's not going to be able to just leave... Well, he can... but he's going to have to come back eventually. Maybe Im reading too much into this.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Sometimes when some men are upset by their women, they just want to get away from her from a little bit, to gain some peace and quiet to think. What's wrong with him just leaving like that? I used to walk out and go for a drive, it always helped calm me down. Of course when I came back I'd just end up in another argument cause my GF would bitch about me leaving. Who wants to stick around next to a pissy GF? Not me. :/
Fondue Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 If you want to move in TOGETHER, he has the same right as you to be picky on the place he wants. If you're moving in alone, he shouldn't be part of it. The way you stated in your post is that you want him to go with you, which means he should get equal rights to state his opinion on the place he wants. This ME ME ME attitude is not appropriate here. As far as recommendation on where you want to live and it being a cozy place with lots of shops and next to Manhattan... Did you consider Bay Ridge? There are some really expensive apartments there, but also some cheap ones, too. And the area rocks. That's the community I work with, and it's awesome.
vsmini Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Oh man - the boyf and I are looking for apartments in Park Slope (I feel ya) You're in a tough spot. I have to applaud you for sticking to your guns and pointing out to him that this is what you have been saving for and this is YOUR thing. What did he expect? Here's the thing. You're making the move and he has the option of moving in with you. I think it's always best when a couple moves in together that they both move into a new place together that they have both picked out. Otherwise it's like he's going to be your roommate moving in with you. I don't think you were out of line and I think you need to continue going for the apartments you want. If not - you could end up in an apartment you don't truly want and resent him.
Fondue Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Oh man - the boyf and I are looking for apartments in Park Slope (I feel ya) You're in a tough spot. I have to applaud you for sticking to your guns and pointing out to him that this is what you have been saving for and this is YOUR thing. What did he expect? Here's the thing. You're making the move and he has the option of moving in with you. I think it's always best when a couple moves in together that they both move into a new place together that they have both picked out. Otherwise it's like he's going to be your roommate moving in with you. I don't think you were out of line and I think you need to continue going for the apartments you want. If not - you could end up in an apartment you don't truly want and resent him. Or of course, you pick out the apartment YOU like without his input and don't expect him to move in with you. And just like that if he doesn't, you have no NO right to be upset with him. I just want to clearly point this out. If you're asking him to move in with you, the decision on the apartment now has to be a MUTUAL agreement. If you do not expect to live together, then it is up to you. That's all. Fair is fair. You shouldn't be able to bend the rules and only take what YOU want and have him fully comply.
dangerstranger Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 You're only just starting to look, so why not just look at some places he picks out as well? What's the harm in seeing areas and places he chooses? If you're not even willing to do that, I can't see the two of you living together and making it work!
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) It also kinda freaked me out that he just left the way he did... When we live together and problems arise, he's not going to be able to just leave... Well, he can... but he's going to have to come back eventually. Maybe Im reading too much into this. yeah, he will be able to just leave. no he doesn't necessarily have to come back. you can't 'win' by browbeating him into following where you want to go. even if you convince him, if he isn't happy there he will leave. if you want him to move with you it's not all about what you want. it's not dating anymore, it's a relationship, there's a difference. you can sit across the table from a date and tell him what you want and what you don't want without compromises. you can't sit across from someone you want to move in with you and issue demands without listening to what the other person wants. you're not reading enough into this. when he makes a suggestion and you respond with a complete refusal to hear it and demands of your own in return, he will leave because you are not being reasonable. that's what you should've read into it. and here's the kicker: you were wrong, so you need to apologize to him, explain in reasonable terms (not demands) what your ideas are about where you want to live, and then NOT ONLY shut up and listen to his ideas about the same thing, but also seriously consider them. if that sounds completely foreign and ridiculous to you, the two of you do not need to move in together anywhere, because you need to grow up first. Edited June 12, 2011 by thatone
soserious1 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 The most concerning thing is the eye rolling... contempt is a major relationship killer and him displaying it so openly in a disagreement in a relationship where there haven't been a lot of fights would raise a red flag for me. He's shown you how he responds to disagreement and conflict, listen to him.
dangerstranger Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 The most concerning thing is the eye rolling... contempt is a major relationship killer and him displaying it so openly in a disagreement in a relationship where there haven't been a lot of fights would raise a red flag for me. He's shown you how he responds to disagreement and conflict, listen to him. So is the inability to compromise. I think these 2 have a lot to work on and think about before moving in together.
soserious1 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 So is the inability to compromise. I think these 2 have a lot to work on and think about before moving in together. legally committing to a lease in an area you don't want to live in to appease a potential shack up is NEVER a good idea IMHO. They'd be better off continuing to live separately.
Velociraptor Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Oh man - the boyf and I are looking for apartments in Park Slope (I feel ya) You're in a tough spot. I have to applaud you for sticking to your guns and pointing out to him that this is what you have been saving for and this is YOUR thing. What did he expect? Here's the thing. You're making the move and he has the option of moving in with you. I think it's always best when a couple moves in together that they both move into a new place together that they have both picked out. Otherwise it's like he's going to be your roommate moving in with you. I don't think you were out of line and I think you need to continue going for the apartments you want. If not - you could end up in an apartment you don't truly want and resent him. But if it's all her thing and she decides everything then he will basicly just be her roommate moving in with her anyway. The eye rolling thing was kinda not cool, I wouldn't do that. But I'd never move with a girl if it was all "her" thing and she got to decide everything... Then I'd call it quits instead.
Author HappyPanda Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) First off, thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply... I really do appreciate it. I probably should have better explained how the conversation went, but I wanted to keep the synopsis brief... Its not that Im unwilling to compromise. I merely told him that part of the reason I want to move to New York is to have the New York experience and be in an area where there's a scene, culture, nightlife, music, what have you... And the area in which he was mentioning, wasnt fitting that bill. Im 26 years old, and have dreamed of living there ever since I was a little girl. I never told him I wouldnt look or consider it, but I did tell him that this is something Ive been wanting for a long time, and that I really dont want to move to the area he was referring to. I took offense to the "ok, honey" reaction, so I told him that this is a life experience that Ive always wanted to have, and that I felt he was belittling it. Thing is, I grappled with this notion of moving with him for the last few months... I love him dearly, and the thought of sharing a life with him sounds wonderful... I thought (and think) about it all the time, and it makes me happy But, I didnt feel it was fair to ask him to pick up his life here, and move to another state... I also didnt think it was fair for me to put off something I had been working towards since before we started dating. So, when the topic came up I told him that if he wanted to move with me, that would be his decision to make, but that I had a few non negotiables. We really do have a relatively great relationship. We have gotten into a few fights, and we typically work together really well. I think the reason he reacted this way is because he felt I wasnt including him, which I can understand. However, I do also think that the compromising should be going both ways, I shouldnt necessarily be chomping at the bit to move to an area that I dont want to live in just because he suggested it. I spoke with him and apologized for being stubborn and explained that I felt he wasnt taking my requests seriously, and he apologized. He said that he was mostly laughing at how "jazzed up" I was getting over the subject, and that he wasnt trying to be condescending () We're going to talk more seriously and visit the city in the next few months to get a better idea of a neighborhood we both like... Fondue, Ill definitely check out Bay Ridge! Edited June 12, 2011 by HappyPanda
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