MissBee Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Damn it, you are so right in your analysis of me. I do know that I am being foolish, but feel that I am really struggling to walk in the other direction. Thankyou for the advice, I will take a look. Just one question, if I am so much more addicted than MM, how come he is the one taking the risks? Who's to say he isn't as 'addicted' as me? You should visit this site called baggagereclaim.co.uk you REALLLY should! There are so many articles there and women in similar situations and many of your questions will be answered as you see the same situation you're in being reflected back to you, but in an objective manner. Now you already know he is not as addicted and HE, not you, is the one pulling the strings. I am sure he enjoys toying around with you and knows he can control things to have it his way, and who doesn't like that? But truth be told, when it comes down to it, it only seems like he is taking more risks....in reality he is getting more out of the scenario and it is not that risky. He knows you most likely won't do anything to jeopardize things, if you "leave him" (which he knows you won't do ), then he has wifey to fall back on. There is nothing risky or threatening about you and that situation. He will continue doing what he wants because he can.... I do not think it is some great feat and dilemma on his part....everything is nice and comfy and you admit he is well aware of his effect on you and that is what he revels in, that ego stroke rather than he is so desperate to talk to you and he is "risking" anything. Please check out that site, I think you'll find it insightful!
BB07 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Damn it, you are so right in your analysis of me. I do know that I am being foolish, but feel that I am really struggling to walk in the other direction. Thankyou for the advice, I will take a look. Just one question, if I am so much more addicted than MM, how come he is the one taking the risks? Who's to say he isn't as 'addicted' as me? In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter who is more addicted. To tell yourself that he is because he is risking more, is just more rationalization. A little trick OW play on themselves is to tell ourselves that I must mean a lot to him or else he wouldn't be taking such a big risk. It's foolhardy to buy into that hon. Also the end is going to bring you pain but there isn't any way you can avoid it, you have to buckle up and walk through it to get to the other side.
MissBee Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter who is more addicted. To tell yourself that he is because he is risking more, is just more rationalization. A little trick OW play on themselves is to tell ourselves that I must mean a lot to him or else he wouldn't be taking such a big risk. It's foolhardy to buy into that hon. Also the end is going to bring you pain but there isn't any way you can avoid it, you have to buckle up and walk through it to get to the other side. Ditto! It's a trick that everyone does. Instead of focusing on YOURSELF and what YOU can control you try to figure everyone else out or point out their faults and say "But he's addicted too...", "But look he is calling me so I have to answer...", "But he's not doing anything about it so why should I?" and the list goes on and on. Instead of taking responsibility for yourself you shift the focus to the other person and make it seem like your actions are tied up in their, when in reality, it is not. "But he, but he, but isn't he" and the like statements are all ways of rationalizing, denying and justifying why YOU won't make decisions for yourself. Quite simply.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 She most likely insisted on NC as proof he was serious about re-committing to the marriage. He probably convinced her you and her were over, never spoke or would never speak again when he initiated NC. She is just starting to believe him, maybe even trusting him again, maybe hoping against hope he is finally a man of his word. I'm with Bent....ALL BETS ARE OFF should she discover he is once again secretly contacting you. It's a perfect recipe for losing one's mind, committing violence, informing employers. You ready for that scenario? She won't believe it is a technicality that you aren't exactly sleeping together again. I have seen quite a few scenarios, including family members and friends being informed along with business associates. Once in my neighborhood and wanted poster was placed in all the mailboxes by the BS. Warning the neighborhood her WS was a serial cheater. This are just some of the things that can happen.
BB07 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Sorry for sounding stupid, but I really don't understand what you mean when you imply things would be worse if his W were to find out about our contact this time? In other words..........his wife might go bat shyt crazy on you. She might become violent, she might make it her mission for you to lose your job, your friends, etc. She might out you to all your friends and family, you just never know what she might do. We all tell ourselves that it won't happen to us, but hey you hear stories in the news almost every day. Someone dying because of infidelity.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Friends = EA. Try it and see how long this lasts. You can't be "just" friends with your MM.
Gentlegirl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Hi, You are on that slippery slide back into the A It happens when you try to be friends. YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS...at least not yet. Maybe much much later.
fooled once Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You say his wife doesn't like you and honestly she has good reason to feel that way. You can keep telling yourself being friends isn't hurting anyone, and if that was true, the wife would be told of the contact. When he is busted again, he will tell her how you stalked him, how you wouldn't leave him alone, that he has tried to let you down easy but you won't accept it. She will ensure everyone knows that you are a predator, that you won't leave him alone. You are fooling yourself if you think weaning yourself off the affair is a smart idea. No one tells an alcoholic to go from a 6 pack a day to 1 beer a day. It is very sad that you believe you can't survive without talking to him daily. You will. You survived just fine before him, you will survive without him. Own it. You are still having an affair - maybe not dexual right now, but it is still an affair because you claim you can't stay away from him. Stop burying your head in the sand. Stop pretending you haven't done anything wrong. Stop acting like you have no accountability here. He is using you to boost his ego. And remember the saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". She is going to make your life hell. Is it worth it to you?
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Staying friends is selfish, for both of you because you are NOT part of his life, you in some sense, are a cancer to his marriage. Being friends will prevent you from healing and letting go of what you feel for him. Your heart is still in it and you will NOT even consider letting another man close to you in any way.. You can try all you want, say that you will but the fact still remains, as long as he's in your life, you are emotionally tied to him. It prevents you from moving on and getting over what you feel for him.
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