somedude81 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Of course, "If you look at porn, I'll break up with you" is an ultimatum. It's not a fair request. Virtually all men look at porn and have been doing it since they were ~13. Him looking at porn isn't hurting anybody. It's the woman's fault for being so insecure that she feels she has to ban him from porn. I can just imagine how the conversation will go between me and a girl I want for my girlfriend. Her: Now that we're dating, you're not allowed to look at porn. Me: What, who do you think you are? My mother?! Her: If you don't agree to it then we won't be together. Me: Fine I won't look at porn. 5 minutes after she leaves I'm looking at Big Booty Babes 15.
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 If I never told my partner just how much it bothers me, it wouldn't be fair to leave him if I found a joint in his car. It is completely fair for one to leave their partner for any reason or no reason at all. You are only together for any reason or no reason at all so the dissolution might as well mirror that. The relationship is only viable as long as you want to be in it. You might find reasons for moving on you never knew you would have. Staying despite wanting to leave is a regrettable idea. Maybe he only did it rarely and would be willing to give it up completely for me. That should be his choice and I shouldn't take that away from him.Waiting around for someone to change is very inadvisable. And we should discuss it before the relationship evolves and we end up being hurt.There will always be hurt. You can't avoid it. When you discuss an issue or at what point of development you cover it won't change that.
somedude81 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) What part of " She was upfront right in the beginning of our relationship" is so hard to understand? If he didn't agree, then he shouldn't have dated her. Upfront or not, it's not fair to have a condition like that to date her. When a guy really likes somebody, not dating her because she has stupid rules isn't really an option. It's like when you instal new software and you have to keep clicking on I Agree. Of course you can not agree but then you can't use the program, no matter how much you need it. One thing you're not seeing is that men and woman don't have the same experiences when it comes to dating. It's so much harder for a man get a relationship than it is for a woman. So when a guy can finally get somebody to be his girlfriend, it's very hard to just walk away because she has a silly rule. If I gave an ultimatum to a girl, odds are she would just say no, walk away and that would be it. In relationships there is supposed to be a compromise. Her telling him what to do isn't a compromise. BTW I'm coming from the belief that looking at porn isn't hurting anybody. I have yet to see a valid reason why a woman would not want a guy to look at porn other than her insecurities. That sounds like her problem, not his. Edited June 12, 2011 by somedude81
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 If I gave an ultimatum to a girl, odds are she would just say no, walk away and that would be it. You forgot the part where she just hops into bed with another guy that night or the next.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Tit for tat doesn't work to smooth things out in relationships... All it does is drop the maturity level down and it then causes resentments. I can't believe after reading his post that her going out is a deal breaker.... It sounds to me that he wants to be able to look at porn and it not be a deal breaker... So it sounds a little like manipulation sounds like you are trying to gain favor from women on a message board by emulating and agreeing with them, to be honest. a man can't reach through a computer monitor and pinch the ass of some random porn star. a woman can absolutely wind up in bed with the 'friend' she cries on the shoulder of.
Survivor12 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I'm with Jazzari on this one. This isn't about control or trying to change the OP & she was honest about her feelings from the very beginning. Seems to me that it's her right to decide the kind of person that she chooses to become involved with and what her boundaries are. What if she'd said she didn't want to date someone who has kids...or someone who drinks/smokes/does drugs...or...? Sounds to me like OP is using this to justify how he feels about unrelated issues.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Seems to me that it's her right to decide the kind of person that she chooses to become involved with and what her boundaries are. What if she'd said she didn't want to date someone who has kids...or someone who drinks/smokes/does drugs...or...? those are completely different. to make that scenario apply you would have to say "she doesn't want to date anyone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs but she does all of those things". What part of " She was upfront right in the beginning of our relationship" is so hard to understand? If he didn't agree, then he shouldn't have dated her. or he wanted to get laid, and let her manipulative demands go in one ear and out the other for that purpose. and in his shoes i would not feel even the slightest bit of guilt for doing so. the end result of that is she tried to play him, and got played. all's fair.
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 sounds like you are trying to gain favor from women on a message board by emulating and agreeing with them, to be honest. There are a few guys like that on LS. They could also be effeminate, feminists, or white knights.
Art_Critic Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 sounds like you are trying to gain favor from women on a message board by emulating and agreeing with them, to be honest. a man can't reach through a computer monitor and pinch the ass of some random porn star. a woman can absolutely wind up in bed with the 'friend' she cries on the shoulder of. sure attack the poster rather than the post Why would I be giving advice while typing on a phone with my wife right next to me and my kid asking me what I'm doing if I'm just looking for Attention a a web forum .... Your post is rude and holds no water. If I wanted female attention all I'd have to do is think back to last night while in bed with my wife hahahahahaha
Author zig Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Seems like I started a nice little firestorm lol. I should add something. Her b/f before me was a porn ADDICT of mass proportions. She said she was through it once and wasn't going to go through it again. It didn't bother me that she was upfront with what kind of guy she was and wasn't willing to be with. Right now it's not a big issue with her as far as hanging around other guys. But I think it might be in the future because she asks me a lot "what if I wanted to stop for coffee with some friend" or "would you be jealous if I met up with an ex from 4 years ago"? I don't know why she brings up jealousy so much. Anyway, most of the men she's friends with are gay. Honestly though, I don't see that much of a difference if the guy is gay or not.
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 sounds like she has you trained well! No, he was brought up, not dragged up. Art_Critic is a long-term member, and trust me, if a lady says something he disagrees with, he's not backward in coming forwards. Geniuses - or jerks - know no genders.
fishtaco Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 What part of " She was upfront right in the beginning of our relationship" is so hard to understand? If he didn't agree, then he shouldn't have dated her. I don't agree with her controlling behavior, but I have to agree with Jazzari that she did announce it in the beginning that this was a deal breaker. I vote for the poster that said make her dress up like a porn star and get porn star-y with you in the bedroom. But anyway, she sounds psycho. Good luck zig.
Entropy3000 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 sounds like you are trying to gain favor from women on a message board by emulating and agreeing with them, to be honest. a man can't reach through a computer monitor and pinch the ass of some random porn star. a woman can absolutely wind up in bed with the 'friend' she cries on the shoulder of. I thought only I saw this type of thing.
TheLawmaker Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I don't understand the "jealousy issue." Porn is digital. Unless you're sucked into the computer, you're not going to get that porn star (and that would be quite a feat! Sci fi at it's best!) The truth is that some women refuse to accept that a man's imagination might be just as good as them. This scares them, because they don't want a man to have imagination.
somedude81 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Seems like I started a nice little firestorm lol. I should add something. Her b/f before me was a porn ADDICT of mass proportions. She said she was through it once and wasn't going to go through it again. It didn't bother me that she was upfront with what kind of guy she was and wasn't willing to be with. Right now it's not a big issue with her as far as hanging around other guys. But I think it might be in the future because she asks me a lot "what if I wanted to stop for coffee with some friend" or "would you be jealous if I met up with an ex from 4 years ago"? I don't know why she brings up jealousy so much. Anyway, most of the men she's friends with are gay. Honestly though, I don't see that much of a difference if the guy is gay or not. OK, now that makes more sense. It be very weird of her to out of the blue say that you can't look at porn. With an ex that was addicted, it's understandable for her want to control you. How you handled it was your choice.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) The truth is that some women refuse to accept that a man's imagination might be just as good as them. This scares them, because they don't want a man to have imagination. it's because they want control, or at least the illusion of it. and if she's issuing demands while testing the waters to see what she can get away with at the same time, as the OP says she is, she's thinking of NO ONE but herself. the only thing going through her mind is how much control she can reasonably attain over the piece of meat sitting next to her. his opinion on the matter, or even the simple fact that he might have an opinion, never entered into her mind. so the solution is to tell her no. either no, you cannot maintain single male 'friends'. or no you cannot tell me what i can look at on a computer. and whichever no it is, also add that no you will not dictate my behavior because of what your ex did or didn't do, forget it. when she gets furious and tries to turn her tactic around on you and blame you for trying to control her (which she will, be ready for that), explain that relationships are between two different people, not you and yourself, and if you can't handle that, you should be single. Edited June 12, 2011 by thatone
soserious1 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I've read many a porn thread where women who dislike it have been advised to simply seek out men who don't view it and to make their position on the issue clear at the very beginning so the man knows right from the start how she feels about it. The guy then has the option to decide to continue the relationship... or not. So now we have the case where a woman clearly spells out that porn is a deal breaker for her at the very beginning of a relationship & she catching all manner of crap from it? I no longer engage in monogamous relationships, I have no desire to cook, clean, care take for a man who acts like he deserves some sort of medal for not sticking his penis into another woman, a man who stays faithful in body only while constantly filling his eyes and mind with images of all the young luvlies he wishes he was banging. Why live a lie? why not just get together to bang when it suits us & give up the sham of monogamy entirely? I'm now sworn to fun & promise fidelity to none, men I bed are free to fill their eyes with porn and their beds with as many other women that will have them
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I've read many a porn thread where women who dislike it have been advised to simply seek out men who don't view it and to make their position on the issue clear at the very beginning so the man knows right from the start how she feels about it. The guy then has the option to decide to continue the relationship... or not. So now we have the case where a woman clearly spells out that porn is a deal breaker for her at the very beginning of a relationship & she catching all manner of crap from it? she's catching crap because she is doing the same thing as the porn with her single male 'friends'. and she would catch that crap whether he was a porn fan or not. her giving him demands while engaging in the same activity she demands he not do is just the icing on the cake.
J200 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 As a female I don't get anything out of talking to a guy and I don't need emotional stuff. I watch porn too (as much as most guys, pretty much on a daily basis) and I'm very visual. My favorite porn actor is Rocco (Siffredi) and there are some other hot ones too but I don't remember their names. In terms of roughness and "nasty sex" I prefer Rocco.
J200 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I don't understand the "jealousy issue." Porn is digital. Unless you're sucked into the computer, you're not going to get that porn star (and that would be quite a feat! Sci fi at it's best!) Actually, it is very easy to have sex with a pornstar; many escort here in L.A You can get "named girls" for like $500; not too expensive and accessible to most guys (even if they have to save a bit). Famous pornstars will cost a lot more. I have even heard of desperate pornstars (not huge names) escorting on CL. It is very easy to have sex with pornstars around L.A. If you have a lot of money you can even get the famous ones but you can get less famous girls for a few hundred bucks. It's not far fetched; I have a friend who was considering paying for some pornstar escorts.
Survivor12 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 "those are completely different. to make that scenario apply you would have to say "she doesn't want to date anyone who drinks, smokes, or does drugs but she does all of those things". But she said she didn't want to date a man who watches porn--which she DOES NOT.
Lorelai Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I'd be willing to bet money that the OP's girlfriend has been with someone who had a pornography addiction. Yes, it's possible. If a guy prefers to jerk off to porn instead of making love to his girlfriend, there's a problem. And when the problem goes on too long, it can make actual sex very difficult because the guy has trained himself to orgasm one certain way... which makes him avoid sex even more because he doesn't get off. It sucks and a lot of women just associate the problems in the bedroom with the fact their guy watches a lot of porn instead of realizing that when it's become a problem he's suffering too. As far as female pornography is concerned, it's sold in grocery stores -- romance novels. If she reads books with lots of steamy sex scenes but won't let her man look at porn, then maybe there's a double standard. If she would rather read them than have sex, then there's a problem.
soserious1 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 she's catching crap because she is doing the same thing as the porn with her single male 'friends'. and she would catch that crap whether he was a porn fan or not. her giving him demands while engaging in the same activity she demands he not do is just the icing on the cake. hey look I'm totally in favor of men watching porn, hitting strip clubs and banging as many women who will have them with no need for the sham of monogamy. If he dislikes her having male friends he has every right to tell her that for him, this is a deal breaker and to decide to end the relationship with her over it.
Entropy3000 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 hey look I'm totally in favor of men watching porn, hitting strip clubs and banging as many women who will have them with no need for the sham of monogamy. If he dislikes her having male friends he has every right to tell her that for him, this is a deal breaker and to decide to end the relationship with her over it. FWIW the main point was not so much about porn as it was about her having a double standard. She wants to go out on dates with guys ... no touching was mentioned. He is not interested in porn. So is porn really his point or his girl friends interest which he equates to porn. I don;t think what she does is the same as porn. She is interacting with other men. Not watching porn. Just not the same thing at all.
Recommended Posts