cashmeredreams Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Hi everyone, I was in a year and a half relationship with a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, while we were together I wasn't happy all the time. He wasn't perfect and sometimes he was a naive guy and did the wrong things (never intentionally hurtful), but other than that he was patient, kind and loving towards me. We got together during a time in my life when I wasn't at my happiest. I was contending with a cross Atlantic move, missing my family and friends, dealing with a dying family member and a school I did not like attending. It seemed like everything was caving in on me and I was lonely. I sought out companionship, but I realize now I should have been working on strengthening myself mentally before ever seeking him out. Just as an fyi for you guys we met in a country in Europe but are both from the States. In any case, after almost two years there I had to move back home because everything just got to be very difficult for me. By the point I went home, our relationship was finally starting to really flourish and things were going MUCH better. We talked about spending the rest of our lives together and making a move to a city in the U.S. together. But after I made it home and we could only talk via Skype or phone, things slowly started to fall back into their pattern. We weren't face to face anymore, and I felt a real lack of connection because our foundation was just starting to be really solid, slowly but surely. I retreated into "attack" mode (I felt he wasn't showing enough affection, when in reality there is never enough affection he could have shown to change the mind of a girl who was depressed and confused like me). He retreated into "defense" mode, even when I wasn't criticizing him. Sometimes I would accuse him of not doing 'enough' (to my credit, he had not bought his ticket back home to our country even when he said he would come to join me permanently. I understand why he did it -he was having doubts due to my behavior- but it still hurt me very badly), but I realize now I could have verbalized my grievances in a totally different way. And in turn, he would have responded differently. Eventually, we couldn't handle the pressure of a long distance thing while I was waiting for him to come home, and he broke up with me because I was no longer making him happy. This is not to say our relationship was all bad. It wasn't. We would laugh and laugh together, and would spend hours walking around my town, exploring and people watching on benches. He held me tightly every night and told me I was very special to him, and I did the same for him. I met his family and he met mine. We genuinely liked being with each other, but my depression made me see things in a warped way, and his hardheadedness placed all the blame on me, though we mutually caused our breakup. I won't go into detail about the things he did because I won't mud sling, but he was not perfect either. But there was genuinely a lot of love between us. Sadly, sometimes love isn't enough. In any case, we were both very sad at the breakup. I understand now why I was making him unhappy. It was because I was unhappy myself. Before I had moved, I was confident, had extremely high self esteem and felt on top of the world, but when I got there I realized I was frighteningly alone and it crushed me. It felt as if my world was turned upside down and I just went into a deep depression. He stood by me for that and now I realize what he said all along: "if you aren't happy inside, it doesn't matter where you live. You'll be unhappy anywhere." Fast forward five or six months. I can safely say that our relationship is over. We are slowly becoming friends again, but it is taking time. I see him as a force of positivity in my life and I want to have him in my life again. I am no longer lonely or feel alone; I am happy and confident. I have a new job, I am working out 5 days a week, and I am back with friends and family. The thing is, though, I want to be more than just friends with him. I want to start over with him and make him see the person I used to be before I became depressed. This is not to say I was sad all the time (I wasn't), but a lot of issues popped up in our relationship that never would have happened had I not been depressed. I've had relationships before him and things that never bothered me in them bothered me in this one. Now I am genuinely happy, and in a way, our breakup (and he) has made me realize that. I am forever grateful for that. If this never happened, I might have still been in a rut. I will never go back to the dark place I was in. I just want him to realize I have changed. I didn't change for him. I changed for myself, because I am the most important person in my life. But he helped me realize that, and I have nothing but love and happiness for him in my heart. In nine months I will go back to the country where we met (he still lives there) because I have friends and family there (I'll be on vacation for two weeks). During that time, it would be both of our birthdays (a week apart). I was wondering: if we take things slowly as friends and then keep things friendly and jovial, is there a possibility he will see that I have changed/accept my invitation to dinner for his birthday? I still want the best for him and want only the utmost happiness to be in his life. I know if we were to take things slowly, things would be 100% different now because I have a sense of clarity I didn't before. Not to mention, my bruised self esteem is healed. I would ask him right now but the time difference doesn't allow it, and well, I can't ask him to dinner if we live on separate continents. But I know he misses me and still thinks about me since he sends me emails time to time with interesting things to read, or helpful tips that I may use in my line of work, or funny things that I might laugh at online. He is open to friendship, but wants to take things slowly. What are my chances?
Reoreyh Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I'm sorry. We just don't know. We don't know him, or how he feels. As a guy, I can tell you at the very least that if there is still physical attraction and a sense of ease and that the relationship can truly be (healthily) maintained, I would take you back. It's up to you to show him and convince him that it can. Beyond that, for all your confidence and stability, once the question is asked, the power is his alone. I can almost promise you, though, that you're better equipped for either answer. That's what is important.
Author cashmeredreams Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Thanks so much for your kind reply! I can tell you that we've been sort of e-mailing back and forth. We both belong to a forum for expats who lived in that particular country, and I know he is mentioning me (in good terms) in posts and is recommending my services in my field, calling me competent and great at what I do. He also will time to time email me funny/cute videos on youtube (he knows I'm a sucker for that stuff!) and will send me helpful little e-mails for things I'm interested in and would want to know more about. I am careful to not respond right away as I don't want him to think I am chomping at the bit for him. I made that mistake before! We speak once in a while, but it's usually pretty pleasant. A couple of weeks ago he said he still thinks I'm beautiful after seeing my facebook profile picture. I think right now I just need to concentrate on the friendship/bettering myself without him in the picture. BUT since I know I will be going back there in 9 months for vacation, I am wondering what the best way of approaching the situation is. Should I call him beforehand and let him know I am visiting, or should I call him when I am already there? I'll be there for my birthday and will ask him if he would like to go to dinner with me on my birthday.
Author cashmeredreams Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Just a tiny bump. Any other opinions?
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