This girl has a lot of baggage, but I still want to be with her. Messy situation!

[imfromhoiland]

I need help, advice, basically your input and analysis of what I’m currently going through. More than the typical “get over it, move on” would be appreciated.

 

I’ve been seeing this girl for about a month. Things have been going very well. We really connect with each other, talk every day, and see each other a couple times a week. The first hiccup is that she was recently engaged. The engagement was broken off about three months ago. Because of this, we have been taking things really slow, we’ve only kissed, and like I said, have really enjoyed being with each other. She doesn’t want to rush things sexually, because that’s what she’s done in previous relationships (most of them have been horrible) and she doesn’t want to do that again. Because of all the poor relationships she’s had, she has trust issues, and has slowly but surely been opening up about herself more and more. The pace of everything is okay with me, and I really wouldn’t be writing this, except for the second “hiccup” of my situation.

 

In 9 days I’m leaving for my summer job. I will be gone until early August.

She came over last night, and we talked about where we stand. Basically, she doesn’t feel she’s ready for a relationship right now. I told her we don’t have to have a relationship, be going steady¸ etc. The only thing I’d ask is that she’d not mess around with other guys. She raised her concerns of feeling tied down and not wanting to worry about me, or feel guilty about anything that she may be doing. She respects me and knows that I would treat her well, it just seems to be hard for her right now. She said she would never get back together with her ex, but she still hasn’t completely gotten over it yet. I told her I don’t want to mess around with anyone at my job this summer, but she doesn’t want to tie me down when she’s so unsure.

 

On top of that, we had been drinking a little, and she really wanted to jump my bones, but at the same time didn’t want to rush anything. I told her I wouldn’t let her, because she wanted to take things slow.

 

It’s a messy situation, and I’d really appreciate your input on how you’d approach it and your advice for me. I have asked my friends about it, but they’re really not giving too much input, so I could really use help from you!

 

Thanks.

[vsmini]

Honestly -Though I can understand where you're coming from - you really can't expect her to not see other guys. She's stated that she didn't want a relationship right now and you can't push for that. You'll have to let that request go.

 

I say ease up until you come back in August. If you push for a relationship or any type of promises that block her from actually living a single life it might end badly.

[Ouroboros]

May I suggest a luggage cart?

 

http://ted.dintersmith.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/p1130519.jpg

[Ouroboros]

I think pushing forward in any relationship at any time with her would be a mistake.

[imfromhoiland]

Honestly -Though I can understand where you're coming from - you really can't expect her to not see other guys. She's stated that she didn't want a relationship right now and you can't push for that. You'll have to let that request go.

 

I say ease up until you come back in August. If you push for a relationship or any type of promises that block her from actually living a single life it might end badly.

 

Thanks for the response. I think it was hard for me to deal with, but I think that the best thing may be what you said. I'll probably tell her that I still want to keep in contact with her, and still want to see her when I come back, but I respect her decision.

 

As painful as it is for you, I don't think there is anything you can do at this point. You can't change the way she feels.

 

She wants to see other guys. What's worse, she doesn't mind if you see other girls. That's the really telling part.

 

I would back off for now. Hopefully, she will use someone else as the rebound guy while you are gone and get over her ex. Maybe she will feel differently when you return. I think pushing her now would be a huge mistake.

 

I don't think she really wants me to see other girls, she just doesn't want to ask me to be tied down when she doesn't want to be tied down. As she told me, that's not fair to me. I appreciate your help, and pushing her probably is a poor idea. I'd rather not push to hard and see her gone forever.

[imfromhoiland]

I think pushing forward in any relationship at any time with her would be a mistake.

 

I respectfully disagree. To say that anyone of us is perfect would be a total lie. I'm a messed up person in areas that she's not, and other people aren't. She's troubled in areas that I'm not. Am I going to fault her because her biggest troubles come with relationships? No, just as she wouldn't decide to not be with me because of my struggles.

[Ouroboros]

You aren't a baggage handler and to base a relationship on that won't go well.

 

Besides her troubles are fictitious. She's jerking you around and you put up with it. She found the right mark to run her con.

 

With time you'll learn girls don't want to go slow. Going slow is a ploy women use.

[utterer of lies]

....

 

You're not even a rebound, just a friend.

[Ouroboros]

You're not even a rebound, just a friend.

Raptor Jesus hath spoketh. So saith he, so saith the word.

[thatone]

You aren't a baggage handler and to base a relationship on that won't go well.

 

Besides her troubles are fictitious. She's jerking you around and you put up with it. She found the right mark to run her con.

 

With time you'll learn girls don't want to go slow. Going slow is a ploy women use.

 

this is a fact.

 

in time you'll learn that if you ask such women what they want the vast majority of the time the answer will be at best false, and at worst completely contradictory and/or borderline insane.

 

words mean nothing. determine your actions by their actions.

[ascendotum]

What I saw here was..

* She's seeing you after a recent bad breakup, but as UOL said you’re not even a rebound fling yet.

* She's used to poor relationships with horrible men and sleeping with these guys straight off, but when it comes to nice guy you, she's wants to take things slooow.

* While you are gone she 'doesn't want to be tied down' or 'or feel guilty about anything that she may be doing'. ie. she wants to reboot her self esteem with sex with hot guys while considering you for a possible relationship over the next few months.

* She said she would never get back together with her ex but she is not over him..When she says back together I bet she’s talking 'relationship' only.

I told her I don’t want to mess around with anyone at my job this summer.

She's not your gf and I really think you should not get hung up on this girl welcoming you back with open arms and lots of kisses. Keep your options open and pursue any prospects you come across while at your summer job, because reading between the lines, thats what she will be doing imo.