lostinthesauce123 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Need some advice. hello Everyone. I have been married for 3.5 years. About 1.5 years ago, I became a negative person that I am not and didn't treat my wife as good as I should have. She kicked me out about three weeks ago and I have been receiving therapy to improve all of my negative qualities that I hate. She hasn't filed for divorce but is saying that "She doesn't look at me the same." and "She values my friendship, but doesn't see us in a relationship ever again." She hasn't filed for divorce. She hasn't cheated on me and has no plans of dating anytime soon. Could it be the anger saying all these things and not really what she feels? I am going to give her the space and time that she asked for, but I am just slightly worried. Any advice if this can work out, then please let me know. i've read all the recommended books and will not be pushy at all. Will space and time help change her mind?
marqueemoon4 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 space and self improvement is the only thing that gives you a chance.. could be too late, but either way you'll be a better person. my exW said the exact same things about me, and instead of giving her what she wanted I fought it every step of the way and pushed her so far away I doubt we'll ever be anything again. just take it day by day and listen to what she says.
Author lostinthesauce123 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 How long has in been for you? I am unsure how long I can wait in this limbo, giving her space and time.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 do you have kids? if not, I would just disconnect as much as possible (if you can) and just focus on YOU. do not beg, do not ask if she misses you, none of that stuff. if no kids are involved and there is no love between you, maybe its best to go your separate ways. my situation is completely different, we have a son, she left over a year ago, and the divorce is signed and awaiting final approval by the court. also, my stbx is with another "man". there is no way we're ever reconciling, she's not the the person I thought she was, and I'm trying to move on. every situation is different, just don't let frustration/anger get the best of you (i did).
russell1968 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Need some advice. hello Everyone. I have been married for 3.5 years. About 1.5 years ago, I became a negative person that I am not and didn't treat my wife as good as I should have. She kicked me out about three weeks ago and I have been receiving therapy to improve all of my negative qualities that I hate. She hasn't filed for divorce but is saying that "She doesn't look at me the same." and "She values my friendship, but doesn't see us in a relationship ever again." She hasn't filed for divorce. She hasn't cheated on me and has no plans of dating anytime soon. Could it be the anger saying all these things and not really what she feels? I am going to give her the space and time that she asked for, but I am just slightly worried. Any advice if this can work out, then please let me know. i've read all the recommended books and will not be pushy at all. Will space and time help change her mind? DON'T CONTACT HER! She want's space give too her, take this time to focus on yourself!
robf1971 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Need some advice. hello Everyone. I have been married for 3.5 years. About 1.5 years ago, I became a negative person that I am not and didn't treat my wife as good as I should have. She kicked me out about three weeks ago and I have been receiving therapy to improve all of my negative qualities that I hate. She hasn't filed for divorce but is saying that "She doesn't look at me the same." and "She values my friendship, but doesn't see us in a relationship ever again." She hasn't filed for divorce. She hasn't cheated on me and has no plans of dating anytime soon. Could it be the anger saying all these things and not really what she feels? I am going to give her the space and time that she asked for, but I am just slightly worried. Any advice if this can work out, then please let me know. i've read all the recommended books and will not be pushy at all. Will space and time help change her mind? Actually, you must check for the presence of a 3rd party eg an OM. This needs to be ruled out as the course of action needs to be different if this is the case.
Author lostinthesauce123 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Thanks Rob. Already ruled out the OM.
carhill Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Welcome to LS What's your separation agreement? By this I mean how will financial and social aspects of your separation be handled? If you haven't been abusive, meaning threatening or physically battering her, kicking you out seems like a quite punitive action. Any thoughts on that? If she wasn't happy, why didn't she leave? Since LS sees so many stories of men who swear their wives aren't either actively cheating or fishing for a replacement, with later shock and awe, perhaps you can share your methodologies with us. Surveillance, either electronic or professional, is generally the best method to ensure actions are matching words. Working on yourself in IC is a commendable choice. Kudos for that. What have your therapist and yourself identified as your current focus for therapy? Assuming you wish to reconcile your M, is your therapist aware of that focus? How is your work process being aligned with your goal? IC can be a marriage killer if not focused properly. Be careful of that. Good luck.
Author lostinthesauce123 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Separation agreement is no dating. I will continue to pay the bills on the house, but she is moving out soon. She is getting her own apartment and the house is going up for short sale. Kicking me out was extreme, but I had friends to go and stay with and she didn't. I thought that I was taking the high road by leaving, but I should have refused to leave. She tried to tell me that she wasn't happy at all, but I didn't listen. I believe that I took her for granted and never thought she would leave. I have friends that confirm she isn't dating or seeing anyone. I am aware of the fact that it is possible, because it is never 100% if everyone is being truthful. We are focused on my anger issues and basis of building a strong marriage.
carhill Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 While you're processing, here's a good thread to read about some of the potentials. The link goes to the most recent work (it's a long thread) and you can peruse the rest of it as interest dictates. If she hasn't offered any middle ground (you've offered some by proactively going to IC to work on your issues), then I'd assure her exit by month's end and file for divorce myself. If she later chooses to reconsider, no prejudice. You haven't mentioned any kids and the house is upside down so, absent other undisclosed issues, this should be pretty straightforward. I would float the MC balloon and accept her response. You've been living separately for three weeks now. That's a lot of time to 'think'. If she's dead-set on move-out, separation and no MC, that's a sign of no interest in any bend whatsoever. Go with that. I will say I find it odd to have such a marked issue so early on. Did you marry with little courtship or dating or a short engagement? What of your anger issues? People who have angry or negative personalities usually have them globally and they don't change easily. Have you always been negative/angry and, if not, what 1.5 years ago precipitated this change? Is this your first M and how old are you and she?
Author lostinthesauce123 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 It was a short engagement, but we were best friends for 11 years. My anger issues are being worked on and were a result of issues from when i was in Iraq. I wasn't strong enough to seek help, but now that i did I feel great. I have always been a positive / happy person, but slipped up slightly and didn't realize it. I am back on the right track, and doing all the activities that make me happy. This is both of our first Ms and i am 29, she is 27. She is dead set on moving out, but not dead set on the divorce. She told me that she is so upset with me, that she may never forgive me. She called recently and we had a decent conversation for 40 minutes. I stayed positive the entire conversation and cut off the conversation when i heard the aggravation in her voice.
carhill Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I'm assuming you were or are military. She's known you since you were both teens. You were affected by an experience you had. You're both still young and relatively inexperienced in marriage. If you choose not to proceed down the divorce path, but rather continue down the separate habitation, no-dating, 'think about it' path, what's your timeline for movement on this? What have you identified as positive actions (not words) which will cause you to remain on the path longer than the timeline you have established? In other words, what is your framework for recovery? This is an instance where you can show leadership, clarifying and remaining true to what you believe is your truth; your path. Respect hers, but walk yours. ETA, here's another good thread to read. Link goes to latest update. Sound familiar? Edited June 13, 2011 by carhill
Author lostinthesauce123 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I put a firm timeline of 2 months. I am not sure if this is too long or too short, as i have never been through this before. I see the positive signs as talking more on the phone and bringing here anger level towards me down, which will be indicated in the tone of her voice. Positive signs will also be her texting me more often and showing a vested interest in me and what I have been doing.
Recommended Posts