My story, aka this is what you get for falling in love with a commitmentphobe.

[Karala]

I just wrote this huge piece of text in another thread and decided to make my own thread to tell about my story, which I didn't really do until now.

 

Please help me come to terms with all of this by giving me your comments, I know I haven't had much luck with my prior threads, but maybe?

 

Numbers first: I'm 30, he's 25, we were together for 3 and a half years. Never lived together (I wanted to but he didn't)

 

In February we had that talk "I want more from this relationship" "Well, actually I'm not sure I want to do this relationship anymore".

 

Then 3 weeks NC because I hoped that would make him come around.

When it didn't, I sent him the e-mail about ""ok, let's break up if that's what you want."

 

A few days later, we saw each other because we both attented that big party we'd been invited to a long time prior. I acted completely cool and like I was having a great time, even if I felt like dying inside. I even flirted with him and he was very responsive. At the end of the night he came to me and said "this is tough isn't it? Don't you feel like we haven't done all there was to do?"

I was so taken aback and unprepared, also it was 6 in the morning and I had had more than a few drinks, I just replied "maybe this isn't the best time and place to discuss things" and he nodded like he agreed.

I went home feeling deliriously happy and figured he would contact me again to talk and work things out.

That at last, finally, the "push and pull" dynamic between us was reversed and I could finally let him come to me.

Except he never did.

He sent me a sweet text a week after that, saying he was thinking of me. I didn't respond, because I didn't want to appear like I was "pulling".

 

Then 2 months and a half of NC again. Those are the 2 months when we were still on each other's FB friendlist though. In the beginning he was posting about how down he was, linking to songs we both listened to, etc. Then after about a month, he began to post more upbeat stuff again.

 

Me, I was only posting upbeat stuff the whole time, never letting anybody on about how heartbroken and lonely I felt.

Like I said in this other post, I was doing the whole "get your ex back" thing.

 

I finally contacted him again, he was very responsive, was eager to see me, we went out for coffee, he demanded hugs from me several times, called me my special pet name...

About a month went on like this, sporadic contact. He was sending me mixed messages again. One time acting all shy and starry-eyed, the other shunning me off, cold and distant.

First this time when we had coffee together, intiated by me. Then one evening he locked himself out of his appartment and asked to drop by my place to pick up his key which I still had, he stayed for about an hour, we chatted and had a great time.

One time I bumped into him in the street by chance. He was sweet and offered me to join him and his friends to the restaurant they were headed to, I declined.

We exchanged sweet and funny text messages. Then he acted distant again. I called him again and asked to go out for dinner, which he agreed to. We did and had an amazing time. We spent hours catching up about each other's life. He drove me back to my place, we hugged again and even kissed. The kiss was coming from me in the first place but he didn't run away screaming, just made sure not to get carried away, and ended it saying "this is wrong" but rather in a jokey manner. (later when we talked things out, and I was asking him "How can it be true that you love me, if you don't want to be with me?", "he told me "remember that kiss from last night - didn't you feel it that I love you, when I kissed you?)

(by the way, this is the only "intimate" thing that ever happened between us since the breakup)

 

That's when I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore (acting cool and waiting for him to say he wanted me back) and I had to tell him all about how I still loved him and wanted to do everything to make things work out. I just wanted the whole thing to be over and done with. I knew it would be "make or break", but I was okay with that at last.

I did that, only to hear him say his decision was final and there was no going back.

I got it immediately that he had made up his mind and it was no use trying to convince him otherwise. Also, I'd decided I was burned trying to convince, and ready to let go.

 

I set up this "good-bye dinner" to talk things through one last time and get closure. I told all about it on this thread, please read and comment, I'm so frustrated that nobody commented, except for Exit, thank you Exit!

 

As you see, on June 1rst as I was starting this thread, just a few hours before that good-bye dinner, I felt incapable of severing contact with him. And then on the same evening, because sitting down and talking and being able to send him off with all my love had brought me closure, I felt able and ready to let him go for good. I knew I needed it and most of all, I knew I wanted an end to the suffering I'd been though since February, and I knew NC was what I needed to heal.

Real NC, not like I was doing before. Real NC to me = No Contact AT ALL, not via Facebook, not via mutual friends telling me about him, basically not even knowing if he's dead or alive. Shutting him off from my life completely, for as long as I need to get over him.

This is totally different from before when I was ineffectually doing NC as a game to bring him back. This time, I've accepted the breakup and sincerely want to move on.

I also want to do that because I know this is my best bet to not losing him completely and forever. Whether as just a friend, or maybe somewhere down the line as my lover again. He's told me that it's not like he's decided we can never be together again ever ; it's not like he's planning on or counting on us being together again someday (and neither do I want to plan or count on it) but it's not either like he's positive that it can never happen.

Actually, one of my concerns is that I might move on and then he comes back to me wanting to try again, and I won't be interested anymore. I keep repeating myself that it won't be my problem then. I even told him that, and he didn't laugh in my face, because I think he knows that yeah it could happen.

 

Ok, aside from all this "saving the possibility for us getting back together one day" thing, I at least want to be able to have him as my friend again some day, and that's what he wants too. We never meant to shut each other from each other's life, that's just what we need for now in order to move on. But we've been friends before being lovers, we have this deep love, connection and understanding between us that we don't want to lose.

So June 1rst was good-bye, but not farewell.

I know I'll see him again someday (we more or less agreed on spending a year apart from each other but who knows exactly how much time it'll be), and when that day happens I don't want to be the same wreck that I am now.

This day is a big part of my motivation to find a way out of my problems and finally make myself a life that rocks. Love is my motivation - the hope that someday he realizes how much greater I am than he ever even realized, and wonder how he could ever let me go.

 

This is a message I really feel strongly about and want to communicate to people out there : you do need to let go of this relationship and give it up, because the relationship is not there anymore, it has ceased to be from the moment the other person told you they wanted out - but you don't need to let go of and give up on the love you feel for them. Clenching to a dead relationship is bad. But love is good. Just recycle that love now, use it as incentive for whatever's meaningful for you.

 

One last thing : as for his reasons for breaking up... I refer to them from time to time on this board. Not wanting a relationship, not wanting to settle down, wanting time to sort himself out etc. My reasons : being fed-up with the merry-go-round of insecurity and feeling let down by a non-commital guy.

But I'm not mad at him for real, he never meant wrong. We were just a bad match, or maybe we had bad timing. He said he loves me and I know he does, and that's a comforting thought, even though he's not with me anymore.

 

Oh, and about that thing he told me at the party back in March ("this is tough isn't it? Don't you feel like we haven't done all there was to do?"): I've asked him about it, and he says it's a misunderstanding, and he was just trying to tell me that if I needed to talk to him to get more closure, he was open to that. Duh?? To this day, I'm doubtful that he was being honest with himself when he was telling that's all it was about. I really do think at one point he doubted his decision, but then as he thought about it more and decided splitting was definitely best, he kind of re-wrote the past for himself.

Bottom line, I think he was just confused, and yeah maybe I could have got him back if at that moment when he came up to me, but who wants to be with a guy who is confused about what he wants. Homebrew says it all.

Whatever, I'm done trying to decode his mixed messages and confused behavior. I just decided to hear him out when he said he didn't want to do this relationship anymore. That was clear enough.

 

PS: don't get led on by how reasonable and over it I may sound. My mind may be where it needs to be, but I AM still heartbroken as hell.

Edited June 12, 2011 by Karala

[Karala]

Oh, come on Loveshack, don't go NC on me. I need you too much!

[RuinedLife]

Oh, come on Loveshack, don't go NC on me. I need you too much!

 

Did you read what I wrote on the other thread? Sorry I know it probably doesn't help much. To be honest can't even be sure what I wrote now as I was in such a state this morning. Crying my eyes out for hours on end it felt like

 

I do care though, I really do. You're my break up buddy and you've been such a great friend to me. I'll re-read your story and try to come up with some better feed back.

[RuinedLife]

"Not wanting a relationship, not wanting to settle down, wanting time to sort himself out etc. My reasons : being fed-up with the merry-go-round of insecurity and feeling let down by a non-commital guy."

 

These are pretty much exactly the same reasons that me and my ex decided to split. Or very similar reasons.

 

"Love is my motivation - the hope that someday he realizes how much greater I am than he ever even realized, and wonder how he could ever let me go."

 

I'm glad you have the motivation to move forward and be the best YOU you can be! Thats great!

 

"Bottom line, I think he was just confused, and yeah maybe I could have got him back if at that moment when he came up to me, but who wants to be with a guy who is confused about what he wants. Homebrew says it all.

Whatever, I'm done trying to decode his mixed messages and confused behavior. I just decided to hear him out when he said he didn't want to do this relationship anymore. That was clear enough."

 

As I say and as Homebrew's philosophy states I don't think you could truly "have him back and keep him in the way you wanted" because as you say he is confused about what he wants. Sounds like a combination of commitment phobia of Grass Is Greener Syndrome. Maybe after he's had a few years to explore different possibilities in his life he'll be more willing to settle down. Obviously there is no guarantee that he'll 'come back for you' as it were. But as you say its a possibility.

 

A lot can happen in a year though, or a few years if thats how long you have apart. With any luck you'll be able to move on and find someone who loves you for you and with whom you are more compatible. (Wow I REALLY need to listen to my own advice here! I'm such a hypocrite!)

 

Anyway, as I say in the mean time remember that lots of people here are struggling through the same heartbreak recovery process and we can all lean on and help each other.

 

And I know I've been beyond an emotional wreck lately. But I really feel like we have a lot in common in terms of our break up situation and personal demons (social phobia, love addiction etc) and as I said before I really hope we can help each other through all the rough times ahead and continue to be "break up buddies" as it were.

[Karala]

"Not wanting a relationship, not wanting to settle down, wanting time to sort himself out etc. My reasons : being fed-up with the merry-go-round of insecurity and feeling let down by a non-commital guy."

 

These are pretty much exactly the same reasons that me and my ex decided to split. Or very similar reasons.

 

It makes my day that you're saying you and your ex made that decision. :]

 

As I say and as Homebrew's philosophy states I don't think you could truly "have him back and keep him in the way you wanted" because as you say he is confused about what he wants.

 

That is so true, I really need to remember that. And I do, most of the time. There was a long period of time though, many long weeks, during which I just tortured myself over the fact that I'd missed my chance to get him back and felt like I would be willing to do anything and accept whatever just as long as we could be together again. I'm so glad I'm (mostly) over that state of desperation now.

 

A lot can happen in a year though, or a few years if thats how long you have apart. With any luck you'll be able to move on and find someone who loves you for you and with whom you are more compatible. (Wow I REALLY need to listen to my own advice here! I'm such a hypocrite!)

 

Don't worry lol, I think doling out advice that we really should be the one to take is what this message board is all about. I find it very therapeutic ;]

 

I know I need to stay confident in the future and that as long as I can do that, I'll be okay, and the less anxious I am about finding love again, the better chances it has of happening. I do have lots of moments though when I find myself incapable of having that trust and faith in the future, but I guess it's just too soon to be able to do that just yet. I guess maybe if in 10 years I'm still stuck in seeing the future as bleak, I can begin to really be concerned about my chances of finding a happy stable relationship. But for now I probably still need a little if not a lot more time to nurse my broken heart.

 

Anyway, as I say in the mean time remember that lots of people here are struggling through the same heartbreak recovery process and we can all lean on and help each other.

 

And I know I've been beyond an emotional wreck lately. But I really feel like we have a lot in common in terms of our break up situation and personal demons (social phobia, love addiction etc) and as I said before I really hope we can help each other through all the rough times ahead and continue to be "break up buddies" as it were.

 

We do have so much in common in our experiences it's eerie, like I said before! That's why I keep replying to your posts, I can relate so much and I always find myself wanting to give you the advice that I wish someone would have given me sooner. It feels good to be able to talk with you, and please know that even in your not-so-good condition as of late, reading from you and writing to you is supporting and helping me a lot :]

 

Aaaand now I think we definitely need to break out the tissues. ^^

 

The rest of the world is still more than welcome to chime in too!

[crazylove]

Hi Karala,

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for being so strong in this situation. I hope that if this happens to me, I can also get through it with the same dignity and strength that you are showing:)

I also hope that you find someone that deserves to be with you, I'm sure you will, and probably sooner than you think:) It's sad, because, this guy clearly does like you, but like you say, you can't be doing with the insecurities of the relationship. It's unfair on you, and on him too.

Good luck:)

[Karala]

Hi Karala,

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for being so strong in this situation. I hope that if this happens to me, I can also get through it with the same dignity and strength that you are showing:)

I also hope that you find someone that deserves to be with you, I'm sure you will, and probably sooner than you think:) It's sad, because, this guy clearly does like you, but like you say, you can't be doing with the insecurities of the relationship. It's unfair on you, and on him too.

Good luck:)

 

Thanks, that's so kind of you to say! I can't say I do feel like I'm being so strong though, I'm basically couped up at home these days spending my days processing the loss and reflecting on my situation, and feeling unable to face the outside world for now - hopefully that won't last for too long but this is where I'm at for now...

 

I guess I did act fairly strong during the breakup, meaning I didn't break down into begging or acting like a complete mess, but it took me 3 and a half years to find the strenght to act out on the fact that I was feeling frustrated in the relationship. Yes, that's the whole duration of the r/s. Except for maybe the first few DAYS, I always felt this insecurity due to his very non-commital attitude.

 

And it is a shame and still a mystery to me, because yes I do think he does like me a lot. That's why I think it might well come to bite him back in the ass, when his own insecurities about relationships fade down with time and he realizes the love we shared and that he has let that go.

 

Thank you again, it means a lot to me that someone woud say I acted with strenght and dignity through this difficult time.

[Royal Guy]

crazylove I agree, after reading various thread by both the sexes I can easily say I have seen Women being much more stronger then Men no matter how deeply they are hurt.

 

@Karala, Please don't repent on "I could have saved the relationship", it only happens if it wasn't meant to be. He is still undecided and even if you would have been able to be with him then, today the loop would have again bought you to this same position as he would still have been undecided.

 

Also I am not totally implying this on your love as even after reading everything from the OP I might not exactly take your place and understand whats going on but it does sound at times that "Let me keep my options open and explore more". I am sorry if I got it wrong but I am saying this from a guys perspective. Like he just turned 180 degrees to what he said at the party regarding it being difficult.

 

I know I have a habit of pulling in my story in almost every post, but can't help it . Even I am living on the thin line called hope with no balance poll in my hand, people say I shall get down, but I wish I would fall down and cease totally. This "HOPE" word for some miracle to happen and beloved coming back, etc just hurts more. I know you are more than just determined to have a complete NC but honestly totally kick the HOPE out of your mind, only then NC would be successful, I couldn't resist to point out that your speech still sounds full of hope. I don't mean to discourage you but wish goodluck to you with a lil pinch of advice in it.

 

 

Also please check the following quoted lines from my thread:

 

I know I should get over her memories and its not like thats the difficult most part for me right now, the problem is I am cherishing them and they are hurting me both at the same time. I don't want to let them go, the are very dear to me. Even now when I think of something or see something like some movie trailer I end up picking up my phone to call her up and plan to watch it together when we meet.

I am willing to say the exact same thing that you said here:

 

you do need to let go of this relationship and give it up, because the relationship is not there anymore, it has ceased to be from the moment the other person told you they wanted out - but you don't need to let go of and give up on the love you feel for them. Clenching to a dead relationship is bad. But love is good. Just recycle that love now, use it as incentive for whatever's meaningful for you.

Love is such and amazing feeling, I am in pain I still cherish and think about all the good times that we had and it doesn't hurt what hurts is that she left me when everything was going good.

[westrock]

And it is a shame and still a mystery to me, because yes I do think he does like me a lot. That's why I think it might well come to bite him back in the ass, when his own insecurities about relationships fade down with time and he realizes the love we shared and that he has let that go.

 

A lot of his actions are based on anxiety.

 

Here is what I think is going on based on what you wrote.

 

He may like you a lot, even love you, but each time he would get emotionally closer to you it likely also triggered his past insecurities which in turn triggered anxiety for him.

 

As the two of you were getting closer, you were naturally increasingly feeling more assurance and "love", but on an emotional level he was going in the opposite direction feeling increasingly anxious. Intellectually he knows that he has a great thing going with you so he tries to supress his anxiety. The conflict between his intellectual assessment and emotional assessment only adds to his anxiety. Eventually the anxiety would become too much for him to handle.

 

Unfortunately, from what you have written it seems his way of dealing with that anxiety is to push people away. That may relieve his anxiety in the short term, but it also causes a lot of turmoil for you and triggers abandonment feelings in you and an even greater need for reassurance.

 

After pushing you way, his anxiety would subside, and he likely then begins to actually miss you, but he likely feels guilt for how he treated you. Fortunately for him, he would notice that despite his actions, you (in your own effort to seek reassurance and relieve your own anxiety from feelings of abandonment) would keep coming back. However, that would only start him once again down a path of increasing anxiety as the two of you get closer once again. This is the push-pull cycle.

 

The cycle of push-pull will keep repeating itself until he addresses his anxiety. You can't do that for him. He has to do it himself. Until he seeks professional counselling, he will always be in relationships where this cycle continues.

 

Although not as obvious, there is another issue at play here and that is your own feelings of abandonment and need for reassurance. That in itself generates anxiety for you and will keep you also in relationships where this cycle continues. All you can do is focus on healing yourself. The way to break the cycle for yourself is to address your own anxiety that occurs from feelings of abandonment.

 

You can gain some understanding into why he has this anxiety and why he acts this way by looking at the relationships he has with each of his parents and the relationship he observed between his parents while growing up. Do you know anything about these relationships? That will tell you a lot about why he acts the way he does today.

 

Intellectually, he knows what he is doing is wrong and unfair to you, but he does not know how to deal with his emotional issues any other way. Unfortunately, each time the push-pull cycle continues, that only leads to even more anxiety and guilt for him knowing it is hurting you emotionally. Eventually, he gets to the point where he doesn't want to hurt you anymore and as a misguided defence mechanism he decides he doesn't want to even try again.

 

Does he acknowledge his anxiety? If so, has he ever sought professional counselling ?

 

You will probably also notice his anxiety and inability to commit to a relationship manifests in other areas of life including his inability to commit to other things. Do you notice him showing any traits of indecisiveness, perfectionism, or controlling behaviors?

[bikinibeach]

you do need to let go of this relationship and give it up, because the relationship is not there anymore, it has ceased to be from the moment the other person told you they wanted out - but you don't need to let go of and give up on the love you feel for them. Clenching to a dead relationship is bad. But love is good. Just recycle that love now, use it as incentive for whatever's meaningful for you.

 

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