breaking up with older girlfriend because she's had too many partners - thoughts?

April 17, 2004

I'm a 22 yro male, dating a 27 yro. She's beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful. My problem is that when we started going out, she tried making me jealous (so as to desire her more) by referring to her previous lovers, and her exploits.

I told her this hurt me, and so she stopped completely. As is common to people on this forum, I constantly feel insecure/jealous/inadequate about this.

I have only had one girlfriend before (in high school), and feel relatively inexperienced and powerless.

I don't intend on "conquering" many women, the idea of having serial monogamy (which is what she claims to have participated in exclusively [i believe her on this]) doesn't sit well with me, in that I'm feeling more and more inclined to wait till after I'm married (if things don't work out with my current girlfriend) before having sex with another woman.

We get along fantastically in every respect and she's like "I've been waiting for you. I see the error of my ways, you're right for me. She loves me and I sincerely believe she doesn't think about anyone else.

I feel that it's unfair in that she has had her time to experiment with different partners, sleep with them, have her exciting times, and now she's found this relatively untouched, gentle guy whom respects her and behaves maturely and doesn't carry on about other girls.

I feel so dominated in that when I meet her ex boyfriends, afterwards, she has to comfort and tut tut me, and basically be like "I've done all this, but you don't need to, my darling".

The relationship is going extremely well, and I can see it lasting many years, but I feel that I have to get out, because I can't fully feel that tender "you're my baby, and I want to protect you" type emotion, because, to put it crudely, she's damaged goods.

I know I can be picky - I am tall, handsome, sensitive, and so I don't feel that I'm so lucky to have snared this woman, that I should shut up and be thankful for what I have.

I wonder any one in this forum has ever been in a similar situation and could share their thoughts?

April 17, 2004

That she tried to rub her sexual experience in your face in the beginning was extremely immature and childish. I'm glad she stopped and that's a great credit to her. That you cannot forgive her and overlook that fact that she is more experienced sexually than you is most unfortunate if, indeed, she has the many qualities you value in a mate.

It's 2004 and you're going to be hard pressed to find a lady in your age group without more sexual experience than you. Finding a good mate is hard enough without having to add limited sexual experience to the qualities you seek. I just hope the next gal is grown up enough to keep her mouth shut and that you won't ask about this.

Obviously, this is a deal killer for you. It's really too bad you can't see beyond this. The next time you meet somebody you really like, be sure to tell her up front you don't want to know anything about her sexual history, just in case she's stupid enough to recite it for you anyway. And don't let your curiosity get the best of you because you're not likely to enjoy what you hear. Also, you might want to think about dating girls a bit younger than you because the likelyhood of you dating older ladies who have very limited sexual experience is almost nil.

I hope you can get off this kick. Just because a female has had five or ten different penises inside of her doesn't make her a bad person at all. It just means the way has been sufficiently cleared for Mr. Right!!!

As a matter of fact, it wouldn't surprise me if one day you come out of your shell and start screwing everything in site. Try not to hold what others do with their genitals against them if they do it safely, if it's not promiscuous, and it conforms within a range of today's societal norms.

P.S. I love this sentence from your post. "The relationship is going extremely well, and I can see it lasting many years, but I feel that I have to get out, because I can't fully feel that tender "you're my baby, and I want to protect you" type emotion, because, to put it crudely, she's damaged goods." Thank God you're breaking up with this lady. She doesn't need to go through life with a person who is this confused ("...see it lasting for many years, but I feel that I have to get out...") and judgemental ("she's damaged goods.")

April 17, 2004

The sexual aspect of your relationship may be of more importance than you're directly admitting, perhaps even to yourself. It's affecting not only how you view your girlfriend as a viable partner, but also how you feel about yourself as a man.

As for how you view your girlfiend, you've revealed that you follow the conventional stereotype of placing women in roles of virgins or whores-- and this woman's experience puts her in the whore category (damaged goods). You'd prefer the virgin, the one who's hasn't allowed herself to be "used" by men, the one who would give herself to you because you are the most special man in the world.

You see where I'm going with this? Your insecurity is not merely sexual. It's about your not getting your ego satisfied. If she's been with other men, then you're just like all the rest. You've paid your price of admission, by saying the right things, spending time and money on her. But her being with you sexually doesn't indicate that you've got any special qualities, skills, etc. You're angry about that. It's making you feel unloved.

You assert in the face of this that you're a terrific catch (tall, handsome, sensitive). You shouldn't have to settle for a woman who's been passed around. Such a woman can't help you to establish your value as a man to the world or, more importantly, to yourself.

This is a conventional / stereotypical / traditional way of viewing women. I don't know that you are willing, or even if willing would be able, to change this view. It's likely programmed deep into your unconscious, affecting your sexual and romantic responses as well as your self-image. To change your view, you'd need to feel differently about sex, women, and yourself.

You'd need to view sex as a natural biological drive rather than sin. You'd need to accept that both men and women feel this drive and act on it, and that's okay when it's part of the process of connecting and maturing (rather than abusing others or self-abuse). You'd need to view a woman with whom you're involved not as a standard to measure your own worth against, or as an object who can be valued on the market and come new or used, but as another person who should be valued for her own sake, independent of how they make you feel about yourself. You'd need to come to measure your own worth by your own qualities and actions.

That's a tall order. If you can't fill it, then tell your girl she's better off without you. She will be.

-- uriel

April 17, 2004

I second what Tony wrote

Originally posted by tonydes

We get along fantastically in every respect and she's like "I've been waiting for you. I see the error of my ways, you're right for me.

I hope she was just saying that to make you happy.

I don't see anything wrong in having been in different relationships at 27.

What is a girl(or a man)supposed to do when a relationship ends? make vows she/he'll only have sex after marriage? stop looking for a partner? staying single for ever after the first relationship of her life ends?

to put it crudely, she's damaged goods.

yikes

I know I can be picky - I am tall, handsome, sensitive, and so I don't feel that I'm so lucky to have snared this woman, that I should shut up and be thankful for what I have.

I actually think *she* is the one who can be picky, if she's a so wonderful person as you have described her.

Since you don't feel lucky, and her huge, enormous (phew) amount of sexual partners is shadowing all her wonderful qualities, why you don't call the relationship off?

I *really* hope I'm wrong here, but usually it's guys like you who end up cheating on their girlfriend, because they feel they have the right to have an affair since their partners have already had their share of experience.

April 17, 2004

My problem is that when we started going out, she tried making me jealous (so as to desire her more) by referring to her previous lovers, and her exploits.

Let me ask you this -- How do you know that she tried to make you jealous?

I told her this hurt me, and so she stopped completely. As is common to people on this forum, I constantly feel insecure/jealous/inadequate about this.

You should have never told her that you feel insecure/jealous/inadequate. If you feel that you needed to talk to her about it, you should have used more tact and told her that you didn't feel that it was right for her to be talking about her previous sexual conquests.

I feel so dominated in that when I meet her ex boyfriends, afterwards, she has to comfort and tut tut me, and basically be like "I've done all this, but you don't need to, my darling".

You need to get over this insecurity. No man should make you feel you are dominated!

type emotion, because, to put it crudely, she's damaged goods.

That's a crappy thing to say dude. Just because she's got more experience than you, doesn't mean that she is damaged goods! Regarding you, it sounds like an ego thing to me.

I wonder any one in this forum has ever been in a similar situation and could share their thoughts?

Yes, this has happened to me and when one of my ex's talked about her previous sexual conquests, I tell 'em, 'wow, how interesting -- hope you had a good time', then laugh it off. That's just me -- I just don't give a damn...

~Vivid

April 17, 2004

confused - yes it does sound that way. To be more precise, I'm questioning whether I should put the breaks on now or whether I should try and change my thinking. It's at a stage where it may go either way, and I'm deabting whether I should invest myself and bite the bullet - settle somewhat, or move on.

I recognise that maybe I will be forced to settle for someone who may not tick all the boxes in the morals department down the track. If this eventuates, then I would have been better off "getting over it" now. So therin lies my confusion.

my girlfriend is a great catch, and I've grown quite fond of her, but there's a part of my mind that's still sufficiently detached enough to "take my ball and go home". I understand that, from the perspective of someone who's more experienced the situation is a nobrainer, but I can't seem to talk myself into getting to that stage of acceptance

April 17, 2004

then you should take your ball and go home and along the way I hope you find the virgin princess waiting for your princely kiss to wake her up

April 17, 2004

>>>I'm a 22 yro male, dating a 27 yro. She's beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful. My problem is that when we started going out, she tried making me jealous (so as to desire her more) by referring to her previous lovers, and her exploits.<<<

A wild theory of mine, but here it goes anyway.

I think that sexual activity is another area in the realm of "manhood", like sports. I think that we sometimes see sex as a man's game, and when a woman is somehow more advanced at it than we are, it's too much for us. There are many, many wives and female partners walking around right now who have partners much more experienced than they are and it doesn't seem to bother them. But I've noticed a couple of times how men can be somewhat prudish when it comes to a woman's previous sexual history. Maybe some of it is just do to the notion that deep down inside, men want virgins - I don't know. It's a complex issue, I think. Just a theory.

Whatever the case, she should not be talking excessively about her past lovers. If you bring it up for discussion, that's different.

>>>I have only had one girlfriend before (in high school), and feel relatively inexperienced and powerless.<<<

I think it gets back to what I said. I think it's important for both men and women to think of themselves as "equals" in a relationship. But I think that it's even more important for men to be equal (or somewhere close to it) when it comes to sex. I think we are conditioned to believe that males are the sexually aggressive gender and that we are the ones who are supposed to be "in charge" in the bedroom. When we confront a woman who has more experience it perhaps makes us feel a little inadequate. It shouldn't, though.

>>>I don't intend on "conquering" many women, the idea of having serial monogamy (which is what she claims to have participated in exclusively [i believe her on this]) doesn't sit well with me, in that I'm feeling more and more inclined to wait till after I'm married (if things don't work out with my current girlfriend) before having sex with another woman. <<<

That's a decision you have to make for yourself, but I think you should make your decisions for the right reasons. Don't throw someone away and don't lock yourself in a closet just because you're having a hard time dealing with your insecurities.

>>>I feel that it's unfair in that she has had her time to experiment with different partners, sleep with them, have her exciting times, and now she's found this relatively untouched, gentle guy whom respects her and behaves maturely and doesn't carry on about other girls. <<<

Why not just have a few exciting times with her and see where this goes? Everyone has a history, and because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior a person's past is important; but it's not as important as the present. Try to look at this objectively and see where things are going. Shed those insecurities and judge her fairly, on her own merits.

>>>I feel so dominated in that when I meet her ex boyfriends, afterwards, she has to comfort and tut tut me, and basically be like "I've done all this, but you don't need to, my darling". <<<

I think that your insecurities are getting the better of you. When you see her ex's you're automatically comparing yourself to them, and you're probably wondering deep down inside if you "measure up". And then it probably becomes evident to her that your ego's wounded, which is why she feels the need to comfort you.

>>>The relationship is going extremely well, and I can see it lasting many years, but I feel that I have to get out, because I can't fully feel that tender "you're my baby, and I want to protect you" type emotion, because, to put it crudely, she's damaged goods.<<<

Your insecurities are eating you alive because you're not dealing with them, and it's about to cost you a relationship with someone you otherwise enjoy spending time with. Is that what you really want?

>>>I know I can be picky - I am tall, handsome, sensitive, and so I don't feel that I'm so lucky to have snared this woman, that I should shut up and be thankful for what I have. <<<

Don't take this the wrong way, but....shut up and be thankful for it, then.

>>>I wonder any one in this forum has ever been in a similar situation and could share their thoughts?<<<

Yes, most of us probably have in some way at some point in our lives. I speak from experience. Put your pride on the shelf and judge your girlfriend fairly.

April 17, 2004

Just because a female has had five or ten different penises inside of her doesn't make her a bad person at all. It just means the way has been sufficiently cleared for Mr. Right!!!

ROTFL! Now I've got images of snowplows running through my head LOL!

she's damaged goods.

If you truly feel this way, then, yes, let her go. One of the critical elements of love is respect. If you firmly believe this woman is beneath you because she had the temerity to sleep with others before knowing you, then you have already lost respect for her. It will all be downhill from here.

April 17, 2004

Well said, moimeme.

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