sola Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Last night i broke up with my boyfriend because there are many issues in which we dont seem to agree on. We fell on this vicious cycle of fighting, making up, agreeing on working things out then fighting again, etc. I got really upset when i found out he slept with a bimbo who used to work for me. It happened 6 years ago, but i got upset to learn he lied to me when he said he only dated intelligent women. He said he had very high standards, and that i was everything he always wished for. Learning about his past made me realize that statement wasn't necessarily true. I later learned that he keeps in touch not only with his ex's but with the women he's had a one night stand with. One of these women happens to be a very close friend of his! I was also upset to learn hes planning on travelling for two weeks with another ex. Im a very emotional person and learning all these facts made me very anxious and i just had emotional outbursts out of the blue. I kept asking him to leave the past behind, he kept showing me all the girls he's slept with. I felt i ruined the relationship by making such a big deal of something that happened in the past. I felt i pushed him away by being so emotional and letting my emotions take the best of me. I tend to say very hurtful things when i'm upset and then later regret what i have said because i really didnt mean it. I tried patching things up today, but he basically replied he is better off without me. It hurts me he reacts that way after he kept telling me how much he loved me. Now he just wants to push me away. Was i irrational? Is he right for walking away?
lovesickmonkey Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 You were perfectly reasonable to insist that he leave all exes behind permanently. There is no place for them in a committed relationship. Period. He should never even mention women who have come before. You made the right move and it sounds as though he values only women with self-esteem so poor that they would put up with it.
Author sola Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 You were perfectly reasonable to insist that he leave all exes behind permanently. There is no place for them in a committed relationship. Period. He should never even mention women who have come before. You made the right move and it sounds as though he values only women with self-esteem so poor that they would put up with it. Not only he keeps in touch with the ex-fiance, I also learned he also hangs out with women he's had a one night stand with. He has even introduced me to some of them and then after the fact he would tell me he has slept with them (one of them is a very close friend of his!). He claims to be very liberal and that he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions. He did admit that has been an issue for him in the past. Yet, he is not willing to put the past behind. The more i think about it, the better i feel about my decision.However, it breaks my heart to learn this part of him. Before all this information was disclosed i actually thought he "was the one". And now I'm having a really hard time moving on (i feel depressed, used, lied to..i was even feeling self-conscious in the bedroom because i kept comparing my body and "performance" to the other women before me that i happened to meet..some of them very pretty). When i tried to make him understand my feelings he made me feel i was being overly emotional and irrational. He made it very clear he was not planning on stop seeing any of the exs because my anxiety over the exs made no sense to him
lovesickmonkey Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I think I can speak with authority on this one because I had similar traits to this guy. I kept photos and letters etc. of former girlfriends and even shared them with current girlfriends. I finally was told how hurtful it was ... by a departing girlfriend. I learned the lesson the hard way (I was 22 then. I'm 43 now and will never bring up exes again, or, if I happen to meet one incidentally, would NEVER mention to a current girlfriend that she was someone I'd slept with). I think the reason to do these things is plain insecurity and shows no regard for your feelings. He has nothing to gain from sharing his past exploits and everything to lose. You chose wisely and perhaps he'll learn how to behave in the future.
Author sola Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 It really helps to get a guy's perspective in this. I was beating myself up thinking I was being irrational for asking him to leave his past behind. He implied I'm a very insecure person for not feeling comfortable around the exs. In insight, seems he's actually used to insecure women in his life who would put up w the ex, and all his other flaws. In his mind, I'm too conservative, close minded and too stubborn to see things his way (while he's not making any effort to see things my way!) Sadly enough, I started feeling very insecure around him. I thought that deep inside I was insecure and maybe just wsnt aware. Im starting to realize his behavior and lack of effort to understand my feelings is what made me feel insecure in the first place. Thank u for showing me I was right at walking away frm him. Even though all appears to confirm I made the right choice, it hurts me deeply to see how easy the breakup it's been on him while I haven't stopped crying since yesterday. He seems very eager to put me behind
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