He asked for me back

[DontWorryBHappy]

** If you want to find out the story check out my other threads since late April.**

 

After a lot of NC I got a call from him a few days ago, which I ignored initially, but then found out it was to return a tennis racket. However, he also wanted to "talk if I wanted to." I said what for, and he said dont worry about it, and he would drop off the racket. Still, hearing from him brought something out of me, and I met up with him to talk. He was very open with me that night (more than I can remember) and it was really nice to re-live memories and laugh with him again, but I still wasn't at all expecting what I was about to hear. He asked if we could get back. I was pretty baffled. We talked more, and I said if he wanted this we would have to attend counselling together, and do a lot of talking beforehand, and he would need to take me on a proper date. He seemed pretty sincere - I could see and feel in his eyes that he cared. We went on the date and it was interesting... fun yet familiar and different at the same time. I was a little defensive at first, because I was very guarded. But he told me he expected it. Was with him today too, and he is still extremely affectionate and open, and continues to say that he wants this. I started to feel more at ease and open and we've had some awesome moments. I've seen emotion from him in the past 2 days that I didn't know was there.

 

The thing is, I dont think i can expect anything yet. I still am half expecting this to not be real, so I am cautious. I'm open, because I still care and would like to see this work if it can, but I'm cautious. And I am absolutely prepared to walk away if he isn't serious. We are not yet in a relationship - we are starting from the ground up, dating once again until we take the next step. I did tell him that if this does not lead to a relationship I am walking away, and he understands that. One thing I have read on these boards are a lot of threads from people wanting to get their exes back. The thing I learned is that it isn't possible (or it's way more unlikely anyway) for them to come back unless you accept that they may never be back in your life. You can't even WANT them to come back, because if you do, you will subconsciously do things and think things that will end up pushing them away anyway, even if you TRY to appear cool-headed. I literally accepted that he was totally gone, perhaps forever, and maybe initiated contact a maximum of 2 times (and that was toward the beginning of the breakup). Other than that I was dead silent. (aside from the times where I ran into him at random. at first I gave into talking and hanging out with him when that happened, but finally switched to refusing his attempts during the second half of our separation... but I never INITIATED contact).

 

I accept that this reconciliation may fail, because that is always possible, but if that happens I am prepared to deal with it. So to everybody out there, I advise a few things: 1. Do NOT actively want your ex back, or try your hardest not to. This doesnt mean you may not get back with them if you discover they want you... but do not actively want them. 2. If they do not ever attempt to contact you, simply move on. It wasn't meant to be. 3. If they contact you with little crumbs simply ignore or repeat that you can't talk to them... or if you DO end up talking to them, repeat that you cannot continue seeing or speaking with them because it isn't in your best interest. 4. Never be their friend... I'm glad I didn't. One thing my ex said to me was that it actually appeared he needed me more than I needed him. I admit, it felt good to hear that he views me as a strong person. And I know that I am (even if I don't always feel like I am) .

Edited June 12, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[stopthemadness]

Wow!! Iam not even sure what to say to you. I really feel like your setting yourself up for more heartache!! I think you know it to from your post and the fact that you dont completely sound like your buying into all of this stuff. Iam not gona say that smtimes I dont sit around and day dream about me and my ex getting back and living happily ever after. But then I come to my sences and remember ALL the pain he caused me over the last few months and I dont even want to talk to him. And YES he has tryed to reach out to me, ALOT. But am not gona get sucked back into all that drama. But you know what I have? 7 months of seeing a therapist!! I learned alot! I lost myself in that relationship and in the end I found me again. Its called "a breakup" because its broken!! I almost (no I do) feel bad for you because, Well iam just gona say it!! HERE YOU GO AGAIN!! No am not some strong person that has no feelings. Smtimes it hurts me that I have to ingore his emails and phones calls. But its soo worth it cause I just CANT go through all that again!! I just cant!!! Ok I'll stop talking suff now. But I do have just one more thing to say.. This man will ALWAYS be a flight risk ALWAYS........gook luck anyways..........

[light_vader]

Hello.

 

Well I read your posts and it seems the guy has some issues that made him stay away from the relationship.

 

I know at some point we wish our ex to wanna get back together... now I wish she would call me someday in the future asking for us to get back... and then I can calmly say that she doesn't deserve me and good bye.

But that is an unhealthy thought and I should step by step just ignore her in my mind and never think about such things, so that I emotionally de-attach her from my mind and continue growing my philosophy, making it stronger.

 

Yours is (I guess) a common case when the rupture is not that dramatic (in itself, not the post pain), unlike me when I already told her she was a whore and she called me other names and the like (I think she would like to hit me right now haha!).

But like a friend said to me once "Once love is broken, you're better off replacing it than trying to repair it".

 

So your ex dumped you because he didn't feel it anymore and that is a big thing, why suddenly he thinks he in fact feels something? Could he be playing games? Probably he just has mental issues (and that is not bad, not that he is insane or crazy, but has some things messed up in that mind).

And from that flirtatious behavior you comment (I hate it, my ex was just that way with strangers.. no wonder she is a ho' now and was before hahaha... like you said, sometimes there are signs in front of us flashing and we just ignore them completely) he may be one of those people who are constant attention-seekers, which can become really annoying specially if in a relationship.

 

I think my best advice right now would be, you know the consequences if things fail, but I hope you are now a bit more mature, enough to (like you said) walk away the minute the things get bad. And it can mean anything. Like that flirtatious attitude (if you don't like it, then why continue, if you know he'll be that way his entire life).

 

I think relationships are supposed to stay fresh. I'm not completely healed obviously and still coping with the pain.

But I know for sure in the future, shall I meet someone I like, no matter how good she makes me feel, no matter how good the sex is, no matter how tender and caring she is, no matter how beautiful and attractive she might be... if there is one thing I don't like, Imma think "Is this a deal breaker for me? If yes, good bye. If not, carry on, because all people are different, but at least make her know that is something I kinda dislike". But all and all I think even the small details can be bothersome and I shouldn't settle for nothing less than the sky, because I am that worthy.

And I don't even say I'm going to "try" to make things like this, I will, because I have a powerful mind.

 

So think, if you want to get back, try to keep it fresh, otherwise you might end up with an even bigger broken heart.

 

Best wishes in whatever you decide to do. Just focus and keep your mind strong.

[Sugarkane]

I just want to say be careful. I mean how do you know he won't dump you again? I had an ex ask for me back, but it turned out that he hadn't changed at all. If I was you I wouldn't make things easy for him. It would take time to earn the trust back. Get back but on your terms.

[mickleb]

You really think it's plain sailing from here on out? You're REALLY giving advice to others on how to get their exes back??

 

New heights, DWBH. Or depths.

 

Obviously, I wouldn't recommend anyone behave in the way that you are but you tend to respond to what your exes say to you, way more than anyone here, so all I'll say is: You said he will need to go to counselling with you. Let us know when he does that and don't put out until he has, for a minimum of six sessions. Can you do that, at the very least? Please try.

 

Honestly, it's like watching someone pop an eye.

 

Take care.

 

x

[RuinedLife]

Glad to hear that you have another chance with your ex.

 

But I agree with the others here. You must be careful and cautious and try not to get your hopes up too much (I know easier said than done). My ex bf broke up with me once before and then came back to me, but now he's gone again. So just a warning. Someone who has commitment issues, struggles with intimacy or is not fully invested in a relationship may bolt suddenly for the smallest of reasons, leave and distance themselves when issues come up that could be solved with a bit of effort. I don't know if this is true of your guy, but thats been my experience with my ex bf. He hates to be critized in any way and get incredibly angry and then shuts off his emotions and goes cold and distant. Thats what happened to cause my break up. Don't get me wrong I don't really blame my ex for leaving me again, as my anxiety and insecurities just caused too much stress for him to handle and he cut me out. If he loved me more he would have tried to make things right, but he clearly doesn't love me enough for that, doesn't love me like I love him.

 

Another thing to consider is whether the respect is there. If your ex is sincere in his wish to get back together with you then he will be fully committed to the councilling you suggested and try all he can to make it work. I really hope it works out for you.