I want this girl

[Denon81]

I'll try to keep this short for this forum. I've been on and off with a girl for the last 8 months that I met working out at the gym together for 3 months prior to that. We hung out for drinks one night, hung out with her friends one night, went out for dinner together one night. Then she told me that she was just not ready for a relationship right now and we should just be friends because you never know what will happen and we will have to wait and see. So I cut off all communication for a week, stopped going to the same gym, etc. but missed her too much. She told me she was mad at me for doing that and was telling her sister that I was a jerk. I apologized and invited her over to my place. She came over and we hung out at my place a few times, getting close to sex once when she told me (as she was topless on my bed) that she wasn't going to have sex with me because she doesn't sleep around and only sleeps with a boyfriend. She said she wanted to, but not yet. We flirted more before she left and she later told me that she wished she had stayed. We kept up this on and off of seeing each other, getting physical, but never getting that close again. We share a lot of similar interests, but she wouldn't invite me out to things because she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. We talked a lot about things and she would say that I was the perfect guy for her, she just isn't ready for a serious relationship because she had gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship and was trying to decide if she was going to move away from here and get a new job. She also is tied to taking care of her sister that has yet to really grow up and act her age. So she has a lot of things going on, which I understand.

 

We talk daily and she says that she really cares about me. She also said that she wouldn't like seeing me with someone else, but doesn't want to stand in the way of me being happy. She blames herself for why things are how they are and she thinks she ruined things with all of her problems.

 

Since I can't adequately relate everything through a forum, trust me when I say that she is a really good girl, she's very caring and considerate. She always thanks me for things that I do out of my way for her and says that I've made her day a few times. She's never been mean or messed around with other guys and says I'm the only guy she talks to.

 

So we agreed to have sex one night while talking and then the next day as I was helping her replace her dead car battery, she hit me with the not ready for a relationship right now thing. She told me that she understands if I can't just be friends with her, but she really hopes that I am because she wants me in her life since I am very important to her. I asked her to give me the honest truth, was she not attracted to me, was there some other guy, what was the real reason and she told me she was being completely honest. I asked her if she'd ever date me and she said that you never know what the future holds, she can't tell me yes or no.

 

After reading a lot of advice, I'm thinking of going NC for a good 3 weeks and then slowly build up some attraction again (although if she wasn't attracted to me, would she be kissing me to begin with?)

 

Either way, any advice on this situation? She's been really close and I do have strong feelings for her. It'd be hard to just cut her out of my life entirely, plus I see her out often with her sister (who is my gym trainer).

 

Thanks for the advice!

Edited June 11, 2011 by Denon81

[WTRanger]

All I see is a lot of excuses from her. I hate to say this, and I'm sorry how brutal this sounds, but she wouldn't say those things to a guy she's actually interested in. There's this made up thing called the Brad Pitt rule. Would she say the same things to him, if he was you? Me thinks not. If you had, say Megan Fox in front of you, would you tell her what this girl is feeding you? That you aren't ready, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, etc.

 

She's got you as a safety plan, a back up so to speak. She can tell you yes or no, she just doesn't want to lose her almost boyfriend. All the comfort, all the safety, none of the messy sex or arguments.

 

I say call her on her bluff and walk the other way as fast as you can.

[Denon81]

All I see is a lot of excuses from her. I hate to say this, and I'm sorry how brutal this sounds, but she wouldn't say those things to a guy she's actually interested in. There's this made up thing called the Brad Pitt rule. Would she say the same things to him, if he was you? Me thinks not. If you had, say Megan Fox in front of you, would you tell her what this girl is feeding you? That you aren't ready, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, etc.

 

She's got you as a safety plan, a back up so to speak. She can tell you yes or no, she just doesn't want to lose her almost boyfriend. All the comfort, all the safety, none of the messy sex or arguments.

 

I say call her on her bluff and walk the other way as fast as you can.

 

I think you're right and I'm going to distance myself. It really sucks because we have so much in common, but I can't make her like me, ya know?

 

The problem will be that I was split on whether or not to continue being just friends with her. We've tried to not talk to each other but either she or I will cave in and reach out to talk to the other person. Due to this and just missing her in general, I agreed to still be friends with her the other day. She said I made a good choice and was glad I'd still be in her life since she really cares about me and misses me. (she does say I miss you when I distance myself).

 

So to cut the cord completely and lose out on one of my closest friends because I have stronger feelings than friendship for her, OR stick around and be tortured by the inevitable lack of affection and interest.

 

It would just be nice to know why she's not interested, but I know that's probably a complex answer that she may not fully have.

[eastsunshine2011]

I think you're right and I'm going to distance myself. It really sucks because we have so much in common, but I can't make her like me, ya know?

 

The problem will be that I was split on whether or not to continue being just friends with her. We've tried to not talk to each other but either she or I will cave in and reach out to talk to the other person. Due to this and just missing her in general, I agreed to still be friends with her the other day. She said I made a good choice and was glad I'd still be in her life since she really cares about me and misses me. (she does say I miss you when I distance myself).

 

So to cut the cord completely and lose out on one of my closest friends because I have stronger feelings than friendship for her, OR stick around and be tortured by the inevitable lack of affection and interest.

 

It would just be nice to know why she's not interested, but I know that's probably a complex answer that she may not fully have.

It's either there or not there for her. If it was completely there, why would she act like that. Was the sex good. I wouldn't waste my time on someone saying they're not ready cuz ur the one who's gonna get hurt.

[WTRanger]

I think you're right and I'm going to distance myself. It really sucks because we have so much in common, but I can't make her like me, ya know?

 

The problem will be that I was split on whether or not to continue being just friends with her. We've tried to not talk to each other but either she or I will cave in and reach out to talk to the other person. Due to this and just missing her in general, I agreed to still be friends with her the other day. She said I made a good choice and was glad I'd still be in her life since she really cares about me and misses me. (she does say I miss you when I distance myself).

 

So to cut the cord completely and lose out on one of my closest friends because I have stronger feelings than friendship for her, OR stick around and be tortured by the inevitable lack of affection and interest.

 

It would just be nice to know why she's not interested, but I know that's probably a complex answer that she may not fully have.

 

You have to walk away completely. YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS! You are simply in orbit around her, hoping that your feelings will all of a sudden have enough gravity to pull her into you.

 

But hey, if you want to keep yourself in the pits of hell then so be it. Just remember, it is YOU who is allowing yourself to be treated like a 4th rate human being.

 

Knowing why she's not committing isn't going to help you. Think about it, would you want to know the real, and brutal, truth? Do you think that'd make you feel better or like a bigger pile of crap?

 

This is simple. Talk to her, tell her that the actions between the two of you are clearly not things friends do. Tell her that she's sending mixed signals and that you are only going to be around her if she commits to a relationship with you or at the very least agrees to start dating you and see if that progresses into a relationship. Remember, the end goal is not friends. It's a relationship. If she can't, or won't, and ducks the question then you are gone out of her life completely. You two can't be friends, and it's not fair to either of you.

 

So, black or white. Yes or no. It really is this simple once you stop thinking about it.

[Denon81]

You have to walk away completely. YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS! You are simply in orbit around her, hoping that your feelings will all of a sudden have enough gravity to pull her into you.

 

But hey, if you want to keep yourself in the pits of hell then so be it. Just remember, it is YOU who is allowing yourself to be treated like a 4th rate human being.

 

Knowing why she's not committing isn't going to help you. Think about it, would you want to know the real, and brutal, truth? Do you think that'd make you feel better or like a bigger pile of crap?

 

This is simple. Talk to her, tell her that the actions between the two of you are clearly not things friends do. Tell her that she's sending mixed signals and that you are only going to be around her if she commits to a relationship with you or at the very least agrees to start dating you and see if that progresses into a relationship. Remember, the end goal is not friends. It's a relationship. If she can't, or won't, and ducks the question then you are gone out of her life completely. You two can't be friends, and it's not fair to either of you.

 

So, black or white. Yes or no. It really is this simple once you stop thinking about it.

 

She's noncommittal when I put that yes or no question in front of her, so I've taken it as a no. If she were really that interested, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I've cut contact with her and am moving on. Thanks for the help and advice!

[Mr.Harris]

Dude she's playing you. She has another dude on the side she has or has another interest in. Eliminate her.

[Eddie Edirol]

She's noncommittal when I put that yes or no question in front of her, so I've taken it as a no. If she were really that interested, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I've cut contact with her and am moving on. Thanks for the help and advice!

 

Yeah by the way, any other woman that gives you that excuse of "Im not ready", its that she doesnt want you, but she will be ready with someone else.

 

Or, she is still hung up on her ex. It sounds like she was trying to use you to forget about her ex, which is why you got so close to sex, and it didnt work. She cant get her ex out of her head. Dont date people that just got out of a relationship, you dont want to be their rebound.

[Just A Joe]

Run, don't walk away from this thing. Do the NC thing for at least three weeks. And her sister is your trainer? You need to bail out of that one too. Seriously.

 

It sounds like this girl is playin you. She's topless on your bed and talkin about "dating"? What? You guys have sex and she just wants to be friends? Ouch... That's messed up man. She either has some issues goin on that you're unaware of OR she has a guy or guys on the side. Or maybe even a combination of the two.

 

In my late 40s, but I had a GF like this when I was 30. It was great until I started discovering other guys. It got really weird then because we all worked together (at same location, but different offices). It was too much.

 

Ditch her and move on or proceed with great caution.

[Denon81]

Well, I felt like an update to this situation was warranted.

 

I stopped talking to her for awhile, then went to the gym and ran into her. I gave her the cold shoulder but felt guilty about it and apologized. We then started talking again.

 

Fast forward two weeks and she's more distant than usual but is apologizing and saying her work schedule has gone nuts. She sees me out at the bar with my friends, talking to some other girls and comes over and lures me into hanging out with her instead. I followed her around bar to bar and she pretty much ignored me. After the 2nd bar, I left for the night. Her and her sister hugged me goodbye.

 

Fast forward a week (July 4th weekend) and she is telling me how she doesn't have any real plans for the weekend. Yet as I'm standing right in front of her, she doesn't invite me either. I mention if she wants to do something, let me know. No reply.

 

Obviously things are not going well and the flags couldn't be more red. So I go out with some friends that night and she shows up to the bar with her sister and this guy. She introduces me to this guy who I had heard about months ago as a friend. They leave me to go to the bar and get drinks together...then I see them kissing.

 

So for as much as I did try to just be friends and trust that she was telling me the truth about not being ready yet, I was getting played.

 

So that pretty much explains how for 6 months, we talked everyday and she'd come over to spend time with me, to less and less after hanging out with this "friend" for the final 2 months until I saw them at the bar.

 

So what did she do after kissing him? Well, she came back over and I walked away to get away from her. As I was talking to some friends, she, her sister and new guy left. She came over to me before leaving to tell me how drunk she was and yada yada yada. I'm thinking her sister told her that I had seen her and this guy. I played it cool and said have a goodnight.

 

While walking home that night, I called her. It rung forever before hitting voicemail. I like to think that she was on the phone with the guy, rather than the guy was over at her place instead. Anyways, I told her that I hoped she got home ok and that to be transparent, I had seen her kissing the guy. I told her that I deserve better than this and that I don't want to talk to her anymore. She knows how I feel about her and I know how she feels about me. I said that I just wish I knew what I had done wrong to get to this point with her. Was I too nice or not affectionate enough? (I don't expect an answer). That we should both do whatever it is we do and when I see her out I'll smile and wave hi to her, but don't want her to come over and talk to me. I ended the message by repeating that I deserve better than this. Take care and goodbye.

 

 

It's been over a week now (10 days) and I'm going through withdrawal but know that I made the right decision. It'll get easier with time. When I deleted her contact info from my phone, it said it had been added in October 2010...yup, we had been talking daily for longer than I had thought. (She wanted to see if there was something more there shortly afterwards).

 

Lessons learned:

1). Don't be the only one giving effort.

2). If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

3). It shouldn't ever be this hard.

 

Things I wish I knew:

1). What I was missing that this new guy has? He doesn't have as much going for him to be brutally honest.

2). At what point did she decide to shift me to the friends zone and why?

3). If she'll ever realize what she lost.

 

 

She hasn't called me back and I haven't seen her since. This is good for my own recovery but is also disturbing to me that she hasn't reached out at all. I guess that despite everything she'd say about caring me and how I'm very important to her, I really wasn't. That one stings a bit.

 

Onward I move.

[Denon81]

Oh and I have also stopped going to her sister's classes. I still go to the gym, but have avoided her sister.

[Denon81]

Two weeks to the night I saw her out with that guy, I was out with some friends and ran into her and the new guy again. Her sister waved hi to me, so I waved back. My friend told some girls we were with what was going on and they were happy to dance with me and show me a lot of attention in front of the old girl.

 

Apparently, this really, really pissed the girl off because she was glaring at my friends all night. I left with the two girls to go home. My friend told me I won and successfully ruined her night and he swears they followed him to another bar and glared at him some more. He says to expect a text from her in a week or so with how much attention she put into it.

 

So explain something to me...why would the girl that turned me down over the last 8 months, put me in the friend zone and then kissed a new guy in front of me care that much about seeing me with someone new? That doesn't make any logical sense whatsoever. Especially after I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore and deserved better. Hadn't heard from her since either.

[susanfollows]

It's a game to her, she knows how you feel because you told her. She sees that slipping away and gets very, very angry. She believes just like all my girlfriends that once a guys into us he should never change how he feels, we like the attention. Just the other night I was at a bar with Terresa my old friend and her ex bf was there, well, she saw him with a new girl I know from work Kirsten and guess what she did? Began talking my ear off about "oh how could he" and "doesn't he care about me at all" and "do you know her?" I lied and said no, but I dooooooo lol See even we lie to eachother so why wouldn't we lie to men?!!!

 

But seriously I have alot of friends just like this girl of yours and my advice is simple, don't pay her any attention ever again. It's like a bottomless well you keep putting water into hoping to get a drink and never quiet get it full enough. Good luck!

[Denon81]

haha, the kicker is that after leaving with the two girls, i knew not to be seen so i went home and they went home. my buddy said after he was followed by her to the next bar, she stormed around the place immediately to him and looked around all over for me. obviously, i wasn't there and she just had her arms crossed fuming while the new guy sat far away checking his cell phone for the rest of the night.

 

my buddy says that is when i won the night.

[davesoprano]

Lol Women are curious about men who ignore them, or men who don't bow down to their fierce demands. They feed off attention and the minute they don't get it, they get frustrated. I'm currently playing the silent treatment game with this bitch and believe me its working out lovely. But please be aware that not ALL women are bitches, you just happened to get involved with one, just like I happened to get involved with one. The bitch got upset because you IGNORED her, she's used to men giving her all the attention (as with all bitches) but now that you've stopped giving her the attention she craves for, she feels like she's been beaten at her own stupid game. And its kinda funny because you would think she'd find your ignorance challenging but truth is, women don't like too much competition. The good guy nature works with real women maybe but with the world we live in today, real good women are a rare breed.

[Denon81]

Yeah, you're right. I've just been going out, meeting a ton of new people and having a great time. i'm getting over the whole thing in the 3rd week. She comes back from Europe Aug 1, so I'll probably see her out on the town sometime after that. So we'll see what happens there. I'm losing interest myself because so far she's been that girl like you've all described, which is a turn off for me. I thought I knew her better, yada yada. Oh well, it's been an eye opening learning experience. Next girl won't be getting as nice of a guy, that's for sure.