pokeymoose Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I am 20 years old, and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 4 days ago, because she did not have the same feelings for me as she did in the past. I love her dearly, and have always felt she was the one for me. She made it clear that she still wants me to be her best friend, because her and I do not have many other close friends. I want to be what she needs right now and still have hope for the future. We agreed to take it day by day. She is not a very social person and does not like meeting new people, I am much more social, but I really do not want to move on. If we are both willing to spend around the same amount of time with one another should I hold out any hope? Either way I still want to respect her and be what she needs.
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I am 20 years old, and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 4 days ago, because she did not have the same feelings for me as she did in the past. Unsurprising. I love her dearly, and have always felt she was the one for me. How do you know? Ho many girlfriends have you had in order to make an accurate comparison? She made it clear that she still wants me to be her best friend, because her and I do not have many other close friends. Bad idea. Really bad. Bad, bad, bad. Dreadful. Disastrous, in fact. And doomed to failure. Guaranteed. I want to be what she needs right now and still have hope for the future. Hope. The desperate desire to be right even though all logical premises and evidence show we are wrong. We agreed to take it day by day. Ridiculous. How can you agree to this, when you both want two completely different things? She is not a very social person and does not like meeting new people, I am much more social, but I really do not want to move on. Well, I would if I were you because right now, it's the only choice you have.... If we are both willing to spend around the same amount of time with one another should I hold out any hope? No, because she wants to be friends (because she feels guilty for hurting you, and so wants to do something to make herself feel better for dumping you. By being friends with you, she's being charitable. But she will tire of this, because you will still be hankering after bigger things. Either way I still want to respect her and be what she needs. Then respect her, and move on, and agree to only be her friend when she couldn't care one way or another that you have found someone else - and you feel the same way about her. Until then - it's a no-brainer. Read the links in my signature. And understand that truly - they really ARE the only way to proceed. Honestly. Trust me, they are.
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Unsurprising. How do you know? Ho many girlfriends have you had in order to make an accurate comparison? Bad idea. Really bad. Bad, bad, bad. Dreadful. Disastrous, in fact. And doomed to failure. Guaranteed. Hope. The desperate desire to be right even though all logical premises and evidence show we are wrong. Ridiculous. How can you agree to this, when you both want two completely different things? Well, I would if I were you because right now, it's the only choice you have.... No, because she wants to be friends (because she feels guilty for hurting you, and so wants to do something to make herself feel better for dumping you. By being friends with you, she's being charitable. But she will tire of this, because you will still be hankering after bigger things. Then respect her, and move on, and agree to only be her friend when she couldn't care one way or another that you have found someone else - and you feel the same way about her. Until then - it's a no-brainer. Read the links in my signature. And understand that truly - they really ARE the only way to proceed. Honestly. Trust me, they are. TaraMaiden, I have read quite a few threads here and it seems that a lot of your posts have a common theme - brutally harsh. Do you remember your first heart break at 20 years old? I'm not looking to start any forum drama, I just think you could be a little bit more compassionate and understanding. After all, most of us are hurting and looking for support.
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I am 20 years old, and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 4 days ago, because she did not have the same feelings for me as she did in the past. I love her dearly, and have always felt she was the one for me. She made it clear that she still wants me to be her best friend, because her and I do not have many other close friends. I want to be what she needs right now and still have hope for the future. We agreed to take it day by day. She is not a very social person and does not like meeting new people, I am much more social, but I really do not want to move on. If we are both willing to spend around the same amount of time with one another should I hold out any hope? Either way I still want to respect her and be what she needs. OP, It's not uncommon for young couples to break up because one or both want to experience different things. I know you love your girlfriend and think she is the one for you and maybe this will still prove to be the case down the road. You never know what the future holds, but right now in the present your girlfriend has chosen a different path for herself. One that doesn't include the two of you being in a relationship any longer. The best thing to do for yourself is to let her go. The friendship will not work at this point because the break up is too fresh nor will it bring her back any time soon. Tell her that you're respecting her decision to end the relationship and now she must respect your decision not to maintain a friendship because it is too difficult right now. Then implement strict No Contact. This will help you heal. Hearing about her day-to-day life will do you more harm than good. I know you want to keep her close right now because you're scared that she may never come back, but don't act out of FEAR act out of LOVE and let her go. It really will get better with time, I promise
Author pokeymoose Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Thank you for the responses. She actually came over tonight and we hung out pretty normally as friends. Being around her isn't hard, nor is acting as a friend. I am still in a lot of pain, but I do not want to lose our friendship, nor does she. I agree that we are wanting two different things right now, but I don't think I could just stop being around her / talking with her for awhile. It is easy being around her, but it is hard when I am alone with my thoughts. It will be a long journey to recovering, but in the end I know we will at least have our friendship intact. Will we ever date again? who knows..but I always want to protect and support her.
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 TaraMaiden, I have read quite a few threads here and it seems that a lot of your posts have a common theme - brutally harsh. Do you remember your first heart break at 20 years old? I'm not looking to start any forum drama, I just think you could be a little bit more compassionate and understanding. After all, most of us are hurting and looking for support. We all have our style. This one's mine. 99% of the time, it's effective. if it isn't, I don't sweat it. Compassion comes in many guises. Compassion doesn't mean being pink and fluffy with pretty flowers and sprinklin's, all the time. Sometimes, Compassion can be a cold bucket of water, or a slap in the face with a wilted lettuce..... And yeah. I remember my breakups. I also remember that the people who had most effect upon my recovery were those who verbally "knocked some sense into me". Bless them for their common sense. And I'm not just saying that. I know a few sober strong words are far more penetrative than an "Oh I feel for ya man....." At 54, though, I've come to realise that every single thing we do, and every single person we interact with, will have its break-up. Without exception. Every good thing we experience, has its day of termination. Once we face and accept this, life becomes less of a weight to bear and more of a joy to wear. Every breath, is one breath less. Why waste them on patterns of behaviour that ultimately, merely serve to load us with more grief?
EgoJoe Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Despite not agreeing with Tara 100%. She is right about every breath being one less and true compassion. The nature of tough love is just that, tough. Tell her she's being selfish and that you no longer want her back. Walk away with you dignity. DO NOT play the game. I played it and got burnt. I needed to be burnt though. Don't drink in excess, don't smoke pot and if you smoke cigarettes DO NOT BE IN A RUSH TO QUIT immediatly; thinking you're going to change everything over night. Slow and steady changes will last. Eat.
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