engaged and upset Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 My boyfriend decided to surprise me with an engagement ring last year. I'm not the kind of girl that wants an engagement ring. I can't wear rings at work. I wish he'd have asked me before purchasing the ring, but he's promised to TALK in the future and not attempt well-meaning romantic gestures. I though it was a really nice gesture to pick out something pretty, but impractical. We announced our engagement (complete with engagement pics including THE RING for our families). My fiance is a bit of a braggart. I realize this is a character flaw, but I try to "accept the things you cannot change." He opened his mouth on a topic I wish he'd left alone. During a conversation where he was extolling the virtues of his "greedy, thieving ex", he told me he paid about $3,500 for his ex-wife's engagement ring. No biggie… Why would I care??? …except that the ring he purchased for me appraises for NO WHERE NEAR $3,500. (BTW, his annual salary is such that spending $3,500 on a ring would be about two WEEKS salary and I'm gainfully employed as an engineer.) I’m hurt that he'd ask me to appear wearing a ring that is significantly smaller than his ex-wife's. He doesn't understand that it's embarrassing for me to bump into his ex-wife's friends / family with a significantly smaller ring. He doesn't believe that women ever notice such things. We've talked about the ring, but don't have a clear resolution…. Is my upset unreasonable??? Thanks. R
pav186 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 No, Actually it would send up red flags for me, I would hope that the emotional value behind the ring would matter more to my fiance than the price tag or size. And I noticed you had it appraised...that quite materialistic dont you think? any why should you care what his ex or her family thinks?? If this is the biggest problem in your relationship than I think you should reconsider your anger/jealousy....
Kat Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Maybe the ex's ring was so big because that is all she cared about? Where as you are worth more emotionally than monitary (although when it comes down to it, he would buy you the world)? Ever considered he didn't 'have to' buy you a big ring because it was that big of a deal for you? I would rather be careing and understanding than a materialistic women who has someone buy me a big ring just to keep me happy
CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 When it cames to it, i gues YESS, I'm a materialistic b!tch. And would hurt me terribly to know his ex got doesn't matter what bigger, more beautiful etc. You're HIS wife right now and it is so hard to set the boundarries. Maybe he'll think you'll also settle with a smaller house, less time, cheaper cheese and... less love? Ok, that's a stratch, but it's only my fears talking. But it's HIS DAMN FAULT and he'll better handle it. He should have never given you a ring that's anyway similar to his ex. Not even to say smaller, cheaper, etc. It' is rude, insensitive and makes you feel like s***. So why don't you tell him to take the damn ring back and start looking for a simpler but classier ring, something in platinum or white gold, not big rocks. Not necessarily more expensive, just very different, so that he gets this aspect clear into his head. Don't let it go, as this situation may be a test for your relationship. It'a a statement. If you're not ok with it, say it. He loves you, but you think he might be able to understand things about women's pride.... or about competition between 'em.
Pyrannaste Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Just a thought. Did you ever tell him you were not the engagement-ring-type? Perhaps-but it's just a possibility- he thought that if he spent an awful lot on a ring you'd get upset. Like, when you know your SO is on a diet, you don't buy him/her a big box of chocolates -even a very beautiful one, even if you can easily allow it, because you are afraid it won't be appreciated at all. But you see a pile of pretty heart-shaped chocolates with a glittering cute red wrapping, and you get her/him one of them, as a token. Could it be the case? Said that, your upset is NOT unreasonable. I would feel the very same way!!!! I really hope he'll understand this is important to you. If he makes so much money, I think he should buy you a bigger, better ring -to upgrade your engagement ring. I guess he has no clue about how you feel about bumping into his ex, many men won't understand this kind of things even after you told them! Only, try not to be angry at him. Expecially if he didn't mean it. Only another question: is he willing to spend money for you, even if you don't ask? If he gave you a cheap ring, but likes to spend money to make you happy, he likes taking you to nice places, buys you presents, or -even more important- let alone the money- he spends time and makes efforts in order to do nice things to you, that should put things in another perspective.
Kat Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 NO offense but IF YOU DID'T WANT A RING TO START WITH, WHY MAKE A BIG DEAL OVER IT?
befuddled11 Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 My response will be a little 'all over the map.' Originally posted by engaged and upset I'm not the kind of girl that wants an engagement ring. I can't wear rings at work. I wish he'd have asked me before purchasing the ring, but he's promised to TALK in the future and not attempt well-meaning romantic gestures. Okay...say what? The poor guy has to run romantic gestures by you FIRST, in the future? Well so much for spontaneity! What's a 'romantic gesture' if your fiance has to get your "approval" first? That sounds a bit "control-freakish" to me. Now..about the ring. First of all, I'm assuming you had it appraised? And for those who think that was materialistic of you......people: an engagement ring or any piece of jewerly over a couple hundred bucks *should be* insured.......that's just smart..and in order to get it insured, there has to be a recent appraisal done. But that being said....just because he said he paid $3500 for his ex wife's ring, that doesn't mean it was truly WORTH that much. The mark-up on engagement rings is ludicrous. In truth, it may have only been worth/appraised at $1500. Sorta tacky, though, of him to announce what he paid for his ex's ring (which really isn't that much, if you think about it.....I could see him "bragging" if he'd paid $7500 or so). You say you aren't the type of person to want an engagement ring....so on one hand I say, what does it matter, then? But then on the other, now that you have it, you think it's small and that people who see it will compare it to the one he bought his ex... Well all you can do now is tell him it's just not your style..and can you go together to exchange it...to something you feel is "more practical."
Leikela Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 Just an FYI, a ring will commonly appraise lower then what the person actually paid for. I think you're jumping to conclusions.
dyermaker Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 If you need some solace, just think that children-exploiting slave drivers profitted less from your engagement than from his ex-wife's.
Tony T Posted April 17, 2004 Posted April 17, 2004 "Just an FYI, a ring will commonly appraise lower then what the person actually paid for. I think you're jumping to conclusions." This is not true of rings or any other jewelry. It usually appraises for more than you could ever get in the open market, very often a lot more. I used to loan money using jewelry as collateral and, in cases where I had to liquidate rings and other jewelry, I often got 30 percent and never, ever more than 50 percent of the appraised value after a reasonable marketing period.
Leikela Posted April 18, 2004 Posted April 18, 2004 I think I might be a tad confused... Appraisal and actual sell price differ, right? I think I was trying to tell "engaged and upset" that the ring appraisal is not indicitive of how much the person actually paid. In other words, she cannot base the appraisal on her ring and compare it to how much her financee paid for EX's ring because the amount he actually paid is a lot less then the actual appraisal. Example: My boyfriend had an ex-fiancee and PAID $2000 for the ring. It was appraised at $3200 but when he went to sell it could only get $800 for it from a jewelry store. I think I've got it straight now. Thanks Tony.
engaged and upset Posted April 18, 2004 Posted April 18, 2004 I had the ring appraised to include it in my homeowners (as stated before, I'm a gainfully employed engineer. He moved onto my farm after we'd been dating for a while. I have never been married.). I think you'd be pretty ignorant to not include valuables on your home inventory. The subject of engagement was never discussed prior to the proposal. We'd talked about marriage on several occasions, but never about engagement/jewelry/etc. I hope he'll follow through on discussing major events prior to action… I've been a little worried over this anyway-- who want's a spouse that's like a loose cannon? The unity idea doesn't preclude romance. You do have a chance to surprise and delight a woman without spending a dime. I'd have been THRILLED to be asked to join him in marriage (more so without a ring), but women are different. We have quite a bit in common, so most of the $$$ spent around our place goes into horse related items (his, mine, and ours). It's an expensive and ridiculous hobby, but makes us both happy. Our relationship seems pretty stable and reasonable. We're able to talk about anything, although we don't always agree. The ring seems like a big deal since we bump into friends of his ex, his ex, and her family at horse events. They're not very nice and tend to heckle on occasion. (For the record, she asked for the divorce. I met him several months after their divorce was finalized). I'm feeling embarrassed about wearing the ring in this crowd. To put a better $ figure on the rings… 1st wife: he paid $3,500. I'd assume it appraises at higher than $3,500 since he purchased it at a reputable jewelry shop (NOT THE MALL!!!). It contained a single stone. mine : Appraises at $1,800. The center stone is 0.87 ct. a heart shaped cut with some small 0.9 brilliants on the band. It's pretty enough to please, but…. I wear a hard hat and steel toed boots to work! I agree 100% that most jewelry retails for a price, appraises higher than the retail, and can be sold for less than the retail. Oh, well-- enough of my rant. I wish just donating the ring to an "anti-diamond/child slave driving cartel" trust would at least solve something of the dilemma <evil grin> Betcha he'd ask where it was after a while!!! Thanks for the input. R
HokeyReligions Posted April 18, 2004 Posted April 18, 2004 I guess I just don't get it. Do you equate or measure his love for you and how much he loved his ex by the value of the ring? That seems pretty shallow. Especially since you didn't want a ring in the first place. Don't wear it, or wear it on a chain around your neck so only you and he know its there. If this is stressing you out so much then you need to think about your relationship a little more and discuss priorities and feelings and emotional needs with him. Maybe he likes romantic gestures and surprises because they make HIM feel good. I can hear some poor guy now: "I bought my fiance a ring and asked her to marry me. She said yes, but she is embarassed by the ring because its not as expensive as the one I bought my ex-wife. My fiance didn't even want a ring to begin with and I thought something smaller was more her taste and a compromise because I want her to have a ring. Is it wrong for me to want my fiance to wear my ring? Why the heck should it bother her if the ring is less expensive in dollars than the one I bought for my ex? I value HER more than I did the ex. Now she wants me to ruin all my romantic surprise gestures by discussing them with her in advance! Maybe we should sit down with a budget so that I know if I spend more than X-amount of dollars on a surprise I need to check with her first!? Hello---can we say leash?" Sorry, but as I was reading all the other responses I kept hearing some guys voice in my mind saying things like this. I could be way off base here, but the whole thing seems selfish. I wore a zircon for years until I could afford a real diamond because my husband thought size was important! The real diamond we inherited and the surrounding ones we bought are smaller than the zircon and my husband was surprised that I like it more. Appraisal is higher than what you could possibly get when selling, and it is necessary for insurance. If I could get what my stuff is appraised for - I'd be selling a LOT of things right now!
faux Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 I think that anyone who is going to place such emphasis on how much her engagement ring is worth, or the size of it, is someone I would prefer not to know. It is the symbolism which counts. However... Your fiance did "brag" about the other ring, so I will attempt to understand how you are obsessing over the value of yours.
Tony T Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 This thread makes me sick everytime in pops to the top of the list. If any lady I had given a ring to started some kind of rant about it's value, she would be in the history books. Is there no romance anymore? Does it all have to do with finances, market value, etc.? I have to admit the reality of marriage is that it's as much a business deal and a loving relationship. Two people have to manage their lives together financially and otherwise forevermore. It just sickens me that it has to start out with somebody having a problem with how much his/her ring cost, is worth, can be sold for, appraises for, etc. It makes me so nauseated I want to spit!
End of my rope Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 My fiance gave his ex a 2 karat diamond solitare. My engagement ring would do well to be 1/2 karat. For a while that ate at me. I'm not materialistic but I was viewing it as he must have loved her more. However he was engaging in illegal activity at the time which afforded him A LOT of extra money. He's turned his life around and no longer affiliates himself with the same kind of illegal activities and the loss of extra income has been hard for him. But he's gave it all up for me because he knows I won't put up with it. Anyway, my point is that just because your ring is smaller doesn't mean he loves you less. He probably knows that it's not that important to you...
HokeyReligions Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by Tony This thread makes me sick everytime in pops to the top of the list. If any lady I had given a ring to started some kind of rant about it's value, she would be in the history books. Is there no romance anymore? Does it all have to do with finances, market value, etc.? I have to admit the reality of marriage is that it's as much a business deal and a loving relationship. Two people have to manage their lives together financially and otherwise forevermore. It just sickens me that it has to start out with somebody having a problem with how much his/her ring cost, is worth, can be sold for, appraises for, etc. It makes me so nauseated I want to spit! Awe, Tony -- why do you keep reading the replies when you see it pop back to the top of the charts? His ex and her friends that you keep bumping into -- well, maybe they are ex's simply because they DO attach a value to materialist things and you don't - or didn't.
CurlyIam Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 I hate all things closely related to the financial situation. Mine or his, especially in a serious relationship. But not setting the records straight will most definetely ruin one, even if both are financially independent. It's very easy to be patronizing about it, but since you haven't tried one (at least long relationship) you don't really have the right to "get sick", no matter how disgusting it may seem.
Tony T Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 "It's very easy to be patronizing about it, but since you haven't tried one (at least long relationship) you don't really have the right to "get sick", no matter how disgusting it may seem." I am most impressed that you speculate on my past, though you are quite inaccurate. I stand by all my earlier statements. I would have nothing to do with a female who made a big deal about the value of a ring I gave her. However, I will say that I would have enough consideration to let her have a say in my selection. If she wanted something she understood was out of my budget, that would be a major danger signal for me. I have the right to get sick anytime I please. And, as anticipated, I am sicker now that I was a few minutes ago.
CurlyIam Posted April 19, 2004 Posted April 19, 2004 May I ask how... long and serious you were? But please, I am totally conquered by your sublime gesture of "letting her have a say" in your choice of ring. Had to pull your chain !!!
moimeme Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 May I ask how... long and serious you were? Curly, have you designs on our Tony? Imagine asking him how 'long' he is!!!! Of course, inquiring minds do want to know LOL. As for serious - well, I'd never dream of answering for him, but it is my observation that he is serious about a third of the time and humourous the rest. But dear, as one who has 'tried' one relationship and narrowly escaped two others, I have to say that the thought of the worth of a ring would never be an issue for me. If you're going to be married, your treasure is the man, not the bauble. The ring is just a symbol. When last I looked at rings, I found some beauties around $200 - I liked them much more than the pricier ones since most of the pricey ones can be quite gaudy. Frankly, I think massive rocks on a lady's hand look obscene.
Thinkalot Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 I think you should feel secure in your love and your place in your man's life. Love cannot be measured in dollars.
CurlyIam Posted April 20, 2004 Posted April 20, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme May I ask how... long and serious you were? Curly, have you designs on our Tony? Imagine asking him how 'long' he is!!!! Of course, inquiring minds do want to know LOL. As for serious - well, I'd never dream of answering for him, but it is my observation that he is serious about a third of the time and humourous the rest. I meant how long was his serious relationship.... ROTFL Geez, what were you thinking, moi... I'd never... Well,on the other hand, I guess it does depend on the size of the ... what werewe talking about, again? Ah yeah, rock, that is!
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