MissMoni Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Hi guys, it's me again. It's been 8 months. I can't help but keep track of how long I have been dealing with the feelings of inadequacy, hopefulness, anger, and sadness. I have, for the most part accepted that our relationship didn't work out for a reason, but I honestly did hope we could be friends because I loved him. Today, I came to realize that the couple of months that I had gone complete NC and deleted him from my FB were amazing for me. I really was starting to get happy. Then I mistaked that for me being fully healed, re-added him on FB, and tried to re-establish some kind of normal friendship. Again, I was let down. I barely heard congrats from him for graduating or even on my new job, even though all this time he has said that he "only wants the best for me" and wants me to be "healthy and happy". Screw that. My heart broke all over again today when I realized that I probably won't ever be friends with my ex. We weren't friends before we dated, and it's been 8 months of him avoiding me, even though he was the one who said he wanted to be friends at first. Even when I told him 4 months later that I needed time to be his friend, he said, "As your friend, I understand that." But..his actions never changed. I told him I felt like I was the only one still reaching out, and still nothing has changed. I don't want to beg anyone to be my friend. I know I am a great person with wonderful qualities and I already have a lot of great friends. But how do you get over the heartbreak of knowing that that person...needs to be completely cut from your life forever? I at least thought we could be friends. With his birthday coming up in two weeks, I have resolved that I'm not going to say anything to him. What's the point? I figure if he hasn't even tried to talk to me, he's moved on. So it's time I did so as well.
Author MissMoni Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Also...does anyone have any thoughts of whether it is rude or not to ignore an ex's birthday if it is posted on facebook...?
Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Also...does anyone have any thoughts of whether it is rude or not to ignore an ex's birthday if it is posted on facebook...? Don't ask yourself if it's rude or what, just do what's best for you. I am only on day 10 of NC but I find myself to be one of its strongest advocates, so I don't even think your ex should be on your Facebook friends list anymore. Today, I came to realize that the couple of months that I had gone complete NC and deleted him from my FB were amazing for me. I really was starting to get happy. Obviously thay was working for you, wasn't it?
Author MissMoni Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Problem is I deleted him for 3 months, then re-added him again. So if I delete him, it's just going to look bad on me. I do think I'm just going to continue to keep NC but something about it doesn't feel right about ignoring the birthday of someone you once loved, and still do - especially since even after I deleted him from FB he still wished me a happy birthday. I know these things shouldn't matter..but they do.
Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I can understand that... I'm having the same problem with my ex who's having his birthday in 3 days. After much mulling over, I decided not to break NC with any birthday wishes. Yeah, it seems cruel but 1)Hello, he dumped me, it's not like he couldn't have had me by his side for his birthday, but he's decided to go without me, let him live with it and 2) (This is probably true for you too) he probably knows that you don't hate him or ignore him on purpose, and that you'll be thinking about him on his birthday. Problem is I deleted him for 3 months, then re-added him again. So if I delete him, it's just going to look bad on me. I can totally understand that concern, but I think it goes second to you being able to move on and heal.
Author MissMoni Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Luckily having him on FB hasn't really set me back because I don't see a thing he does - I have had him and all of our mutual friends blocked from my newsfeed since the breakup
nowherebound25 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Honestly, it sounds like this guy is not adding anything positive to your life and if that's the case, why let him be a part of it? Even if it's only a small part. It's not like facebook notifies people when they've been defriended and by the sounds of it, this guy isn't giving you a lot of his time so I doubt he would spend much time thinking about why you defriended him. But if you don't think you can pull the trigger, do the next best thing and block him from your wall and your newsfeed. It will really help when it comes to being tempted to contact him. As for the birthday thing, I honestly don't think it really matters either way. Again, I don't think this guy is spending a lot of time thinking about why you do or don't something so just do what's right for you. Haha I hope I didn't come off sounding like a bitch. I'm going through a very similar situation and I broke NC after 3 months with just a simple email about getting coffee. He didn't even respond. It sucks but you just have to remember that only you know what's best for you and you have to stick to whatever that is.
Author MissMoni Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 He'd probably notice. The first time I deleted him, he was up at all hours of the night, checking my blog 2 or more times a day, and then he went and de-tagged all of the pictures we had ever taken together. So it's safe to say he'd care. Why, I'm not sure. I don't understand why he acts like he doesn't care but then would get offended when I deleted him from facebook. I almost feel obligated to tell him happy bday since he said it to me. Then again, you both are right I should focus on what's best for me. Honestly I saved up $300 last year to fly out to visit him for his birthday with him and his family, and I spent months picking out the perfect gift / making him a card. It's just the kind of person I am. I have wished him Merry Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years up to this point...but I also know that saying happy birthday will probably just bring back the memories of me being with him on his bday last year. Which seems selfish..
Karala Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) I almost feel obligated to tell him happy bday since he said it to me. I'm gonna sound like a bitch too and say, when he told you he'd rather be without you, did you feel obligated to mirror that? Pardon the tough love ;] Edit: I read that on another thread and thought of you : It took me months to delete my ex, I waited around and debated it until she started uploading pictures of her and another guy. Stuff like that is bound to happen sooner or later (no everybody is the type to post pictures of them with their significant other being all lovey dovey, I sure am not, but everybody (hopefully) will be with someone again and they probably won't go through the trouble of making sure never to mention anything about it on their Facebook). Imagine if that were to happen after many more months have happened, and they you just have to delete him because it hurts too much. Then you would really look bad, like "wow, X more months have passed and she's still not over it' The sooner you do it, the safer. Edited June 12, 2011 by Karala stuff to add
RuinedLife Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I can't ever imagine being able to stay friends with my ex bf. And he doesn't seem that bothered. What really hurts is knowing that his perception of me has totally changed now. I'm convinced that he doesn't respect me as a person (and being co-dependent as I am, I take that lack of respect from him and convert it into a lack of respect for myself) Its been over 4 months since my break up and we've tried to keep in touch by email by a couple of weeks ago I sent him an overly long email and discussed things in a way I shouldn't have. This relationship was my first serious relationship and having problems with love addiction, anxiety etc, I have made my ex bf the center of my world. And I know however much I try and detach and just be his friend ultimately it won't work, because I love him too much and he just doesn't really care about me (this is a very harsh truth I am only starting to come to terms with and its a very painful truth). Its so hard to adjust though, when someone has been the center of your world for so long, your best friend and your lover and then suddenly after an argument you started they're gone. Sorry I'm venting a little here. I don't mean to spill out emotionally onto your thread. The main thing I want you to know is that you're not alone. And as hard as it is to accept that these people we once loved can turn so cold, we will survive and find more loving and caring people to share our lives with.
Author MissMoni Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 I guess I struggle on how I could mean so little to him. We dated for almost 2 years, and he can just walk away and pretend I don't exist. He never once tried to see me at all after the breakup (it was an LDR and he broke up over the phone). He came to my town on two separate occasions, and never even tried to see me. I guess that hurts the most. That I am such a horrible person he didn't even want to see my face.
Karala Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I guess I struggle on how I could mean so little to him. We dated for almost 2 years, and he can just walk away and pretend I don't exist. He never once tried to see me at all after the breakup (it was an LDR and he broke up over the phone). He came to my town on two separate occasions, and never even tried to see me. I guess that hurts the most. That I am such a horrible person he didn't even want to see my face. I think we all struggle with that line of reasoning, "how could I mean so little to him? How can he just ignore me, he doesn't care a wit about me now" etc. We need to stop wallowing in those thoughts, our exes DO care about us!! Just not enough for them to want to be with us. Just not as much as we would like them to. It's so painful, I think sometimes we'd rather think they hate us, or don't care about us at all, than to think they do care but just not THAT much. The fact that he's moving on now, and hence, not reaching out for you, does NOT mean that he's forgotten all about your time together and that those 2 years mean nothing to him. And it certainly doesn't mean that you're a "horrible person". Unless you pulled a nasty stunt of some kind on him, why would he think such a thing, and why would you think such a thing about yourself?? Come on now.
Trovador Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 You should have suspected of yourself when you were interested again in rekindling the friendship, although I think you hoped for something more... If you have wishes of contacting your ex, not matter how long has been since NC's implementation, you are not healed, you just have been keeping silence... Look, I've been fine lately, I feel almost normal and even feel happy. I expect to be out of this ridicule drama for good, in a month or so. And I am being generous. But even so, I'd never contact my ex. Screw that pep talk about reuniting with your ex in 4, 6 or whatever months. It's like quitting nicotine. After some time of feeling good, why would you try another one? Believe it or not, you can ignore anyone even if he is all the time at your side. My ex is a coworker and I saw her every day. The former one was also a colleague and I moved on without too much trouble. If you really want out of this unhealthy relationship you can do it, not matter emails, fb and the likes. But for that you have to be really convinced that the whole thing is over, for good. While you entertain thoughts of being friends or even acquaintances, the way out of this will be hard as hell. Do it of your free volition, before you find yourself forced to do it. Seeing your ex making out with another girl o someone telling you that he and his new girlfriend were seen getting in an automotel, are good motivators...
Author MissMoni Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 I understand what all are saying. Our relationship wasn't the healthiest perhaps because it was both of our firsts and we had issues communicating at times. But I did care, and there were some good times - there were some very good times. He wasn't an *******. He broke up with me because that's what he felt he had to do, that that was best for him - and honestly, it was best for us because I was just holding on to something that could never be. Am I still angry about this ? Of course. Do I hate him? No...I don't hate him. I do admit I have trouble remembering the good times because I have blocked them out for so long. His birthday is less than one week. One part of me says, just say happy bday, what's the worse that could happen. The other part of me says saying happy birthday won't change a thing. I've always been the "nice girl" so it bothers me to even actively do nothing. I care about him, and what kind of message does not saying happy birthday say? I think it's even harder because he said happy birthday to me. Is there any one out there who dumped someone who later didn't hear from their ex and got upset on the bday? I just feel like a liar for saying I want to be friendly and then doing something like this. Friends don't ignore birthdays, right?
Karala Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Don't do it :] (I said it before and I'll say it again)
Author MissMoni Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 I feel like that's such a jerky thing of me to do :/ like it will look like : "I'm so not over you I can't even wish you a happy birthday." ...will this backfire, I am wondering
Karala Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 Backfire, as in what? "I'm so not over you I can't even NOT wish you a happy birthday" sounds more like it to me! Can't tell for sure which one of them conveys that message more than the other. What's for sure though, is that when you do wish him a happy birthday and he response to you is not what you would have liked it to be, you'll be sorry that you went ahead and did it. But if you keep your quiet, you'll probably thank yourself eventually. If you really can't bear the thought of not wishing him a happy birthday, go ahead and do it, but be prepared to feel disappointed with his reaction or lack thereof. just my 2 cents!
Author MissMoni Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 I can see your logic, karala. I don't want to open conversation with him because I know that he's not going to be like "Hey, how are you? I've been waiting to hear from you!" but on the other hand, me not wishing him happy birthday because I am afraid of being hurt seems selfish..he was so important to me, and I don't want him to have a bad day, but I guess it's not really my responsibility to wish him happy birthday anymore. I guess from his perspective its : "Gee, I ignored you this long, only talk to you once in a while, you claimed I broke your heart, but you're still trying to talk to me." I feel pathetic. It's been 8 months, I should be over this by now!
Author MissMoni Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 And also, because he is the kind of person who would notice I didn't wish him anything (at least, he was). He had a lot of problems keeping friends when he was younger and it's hard for him to trust people. I just don't want to hurt him. Sadistic, but true. Even if he did hurt me, which I don't believe he did intentionally.
batsheba Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 You should have suspected of yourself when you were interested again in rekindling the friendship, although I think you hoped for something more... If you have wishes of contacting your ex, not matter how long has been since NC's implementation, you are not healed, you just have been keeping silence... Look, I've been fine lately, I feel almost normal and even feel happy. I expect to be out of this ridicule drama for good, in a month or so. And I am being generous. But even so, I'd never contact my ex. Screw that pep talk about reuniting with your ex in 4, 6 or whatever months. It's like quitting nicotine. After some time of feeling good, why would you try another one? Believe it or not, you can ignore anyone even if he is all the time at your side. My ex is a coworker and I saw her every day. The former one was also a colleague and I moved on without too much trouble. If you really want out of this unhealthy relationship you can do it, not matter emails, fb and the likes. But for that you have to be really convinced that the whole thing is over, for good. While you entertain thoughts of being friends or even acquaintances, the way out of this will be hard as hell. Do it of your free volition, before you find yourself forced to do it. Seeing your ex making out with another girl o someone telling you that he and his new girlfriend were seen getting in an automotel, are good motivators... please go back to NC and delete the facebook altogether, never mind what he would think. focus on your own healing first. look, after all the NC's and post BU pain, would you put yourself through this what if's? i say no. eventually if he is meant to be your friend, it will happen. i am friends with two of my ex's but only after a year or so of being apart and NC. all of us have healed and realized, friendship is better than a relationship with these people. as for my most recent ex, it will take time. because like the post that i quoted, if you still have the desire to contact an ex, it means you are not completely healed yet. i will not take that chance to get hurt again. so please do the same. give yourself a little bit more time.
Kilty Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 You would be wishing happy birthday to someone who doesnt care whether you do or not. His actions over the past few months show that You clearly still have feelings and he doesnt so why pussy around anymore ? Get him deleted and if you get any comebacks about it (which i doubt) then just ignore it. Honestly dont know why anyone would want to be friends or on friendly terms with an ex unless there has to be a reason for it e.g kids.
Author MissMoni Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 When I told him I felt like I was the only one reaching out, he said he didn't know how to reach out to me, and that he didn't know how I was dealing with the breakup. So maybe not talking to me is his way of letting me heal..I don't know. I feel like not saying happy bday is kinda akin to, "I hate you." ...overthinking maybe. I don't hate him, after all.
Kilty Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) Yep - overthinking. If you want this guy back then the secret is to be indifferent and not make yourself so readily available and accessible. Whilst at the same time you try and heal and move on. Its been said a million times and as one i can verify - guys like the chase and become lazy with someone where they dont need to. If this guy wants back with you he will tell you - but he needs to miss you and not see you as Miss always around predictable. Wishing him a happy birthday after he has been so uninterested in you is the wrong move. However your mind will probably make decisions based on emotions at this juncture and will talk you into doing it. If so i suggest you are not the first to post it on his facebook page, let most of the day go by and try and slip your comment in between others. A simple "happy birthday" will suffice No "have a great day" "miss you" or any of that cack and under no circumstances put a kiss or kisses at the end of it ! Edited June 19, 2011 by Kilty
Author MissMoni Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I'm still not sure if I will or not. I guess by trying to talk to him every now and then (the longest NC I went was over 70 days, but my recent NC is just about to be a month this week) it makes me wonder if he ever knew how much he did hurt me. Do you guys think our exes know the pain they have caused? My friend told me that by talking to my ex I am kind of validating that he "isn't that bad". He's not a horrible person, but he did hurt me and I don't want him to think that my pain was just nothing just because I tried to reach out because I cared..we did date for 2 yrs
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