The Great Gazoo Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Really falling apart here. Feeling so lost and just so tired. About 2 months ago my wife of 8 years had a one night stand with someone while we were on vacation (she snuck out of bed to meet this guy after I was asleep!!!). She then lied to me for a month after we returned home, while she actually started dating other people secretly and then after this month of lying --- then left me (not for anyone else) She is now actively seeking my replacement on eharmony (lying about being already divorced -- a really great way to start a relationship). She has actually told me she is looking for someone better than me and has told me all kinds of other really cruel things (put downs, personal attacks) that have really, really crushed my soul as I really valued and trusted her. She even told me I wasn't worth trying to make an effort to save the marriage for I didn’t see this coming at all, and I actually thought we had a pretty good relationship!?!? Not perfect, but good. So it really hit me like a freight train. I was almost incapacitated for two weeks in shock. I honestly felt she was my best friend and confidante and companion. Losing her was like I've had a limb ripped off. On top of this I also depended on her financially (she made a lot of money) as I had just finished a masters degree and I am currently in the middle of getting a professional certification --- all with her blessing and support. My income is very low because of this I am going to have to sell my car for a less expensive one and move out of the marital home for one half it's size with my teenage son (not hers) My lifestyle, financial security and future retirement plans have all been completely and utterly changed. So I've lost my wife, my home, my financial security and my dreams. Fortunately I had actually been doing a little better every day. Looking for a new job. Buying a smaller home. Even feeling a little more positive about the future. But now I'm completely falling apart again -- one of my closest female friends, who I knew for 15 or 16 years (long before the marriage) has now broken contact with me. She (my friend) has pretty much picked my ex over me and has been spending lots of time with her out partying and having fun and both of them pasting it all over bookface I haven't looked but have been told by others. (I'm sure my friends husband is on life support and she's about to pull his plug too as they've been on the rocks for a while) This person was like a best friend to me and I thought I was the same to her. She and wife were close but not that close. It really feels like a horrible betrayal all over again. Again, I'm in shock by the ****ty behaviour by someone I thought I could really depend on. Now on top of all this my dad has had 2 emergency surgeries yesterday and today and it's very serious. My mom is here at the marital home and I'm supporting her emotionally as best as I can and my kids are needing support too as their grandpa is ill. I am really feeling like I'm back to square one again. I just can't take all this weight on my shoulders right now --- I'm collapsing under it. I need some support. I've worn out all my friends over the last two months and don't want to burden them any more. I don't know what to do or where to turn.
Steen719 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Gazoo, I am so sorry you are having to cope with all of this at one time. I know this is difficult, but from what you say, your W is gone and what kind of true friend behaves like your "friend" has to you? It sounds as if her reasons for picking your W over you are self-serving and a means to an end to her marriage as well. I don't pretend to have answers that are just made for this situation, but I think if you can, you should just concentrate on your situation with your dad and helping your mom and your kids. Being there for them is most important now and even though you don't need to ask for it from them, they will be there for you as well. You don't need to discuss your problems with them, but knowing they are grateful for your presence will help you feel appreciated. I hope your dad is doing better soon and that you can feel less overwhelmed soon. If there is a meditation room at the hospital, try to go there for a few minutes by yourself and try to get centered. It helps to be quiet for a little while.
Soxfaninfl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Gazoo, I would suggest you see a counselor. It has helped me. I'm going through a similar situation. I've been working out which has also helped. My stbxw told me she didn't love me anymore, and is divorcing me. She stared a relationship with a man much older than I (15 years older). We are both 35 years old. We are living under the same roof (separate rooms)until our home sells. We've been married for 11 years, and she is fighting me for custody. I want 50/50 timesharing of our 7 year old son, and she wants 80/20. What is worse we work for the same company, so I may run into her at work. I got her a job there 4 years ago. Plus, the man she is seeing works on the same floor as I. I can't say anything to him cause I could risk loosing my job.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Lot's of cyber hugs..And I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much right now. I hope your dad gets better soon. Take everything one day at a time.. I do like the suggestion of counselling, it could really help you.
fltc Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm really sorry you had such a horrible experience(s) but here's the answer to your question: Turn here, we're here for you! There's a bunch of help and support here, don't be afraid to use it.
YellowShark Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Don't consider her "your wife" anymore Gazoo. She has proven herself to be "an enemy of the state." She has left the reservation and should be treated as such. Yes, it SUCKS huge. Yes, it hurts a lot. But she is gone. In her mind you are nothing, a dirtbag... so show her no kindness. She is cheating on you and advertising her availability on eHarmony. If that is not a slap in the face and wake up call for you then I dunno what is. Grab your huevos and cut this cancer-of-a-woman out of your life. When I kinda when through the same thing I found this quote on Loveshack and it really helped me through the rough times... "Less gravy... MORE steel." Best of luck, you can do it!
soserious1 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) Really falling apart here. Feeling so lost and just so tired. On top of this I also depended on her financially (she made a lot of money) as I had just finished a masters degree and I am currently in the middle of getting a professional certification --- all with her blessing and support. My income is very low because of this I am going to have to sell my car for a less expensive one and move out of the marital home for one half it's size with my teenage son (not hers) My lifestyle, financial security and future retirement plans have all been completely and utterly changed. So I've lost my wife, my home, my financial security and my dreams. . You've completed your degree? instead of feeling horrible here why not just say thank you for the 8 yrs of fiscal support that she did give to you and your son, surely your prospects are much brighter because of it? Going to work, day after day in order to support a man,knowing that everybody you know is whispering & laughing about how desperate you must be, how clearly inferior as a woman you are that you've got to pay in order to find a man willing to lower himself enough to marry you gets to be too heavy a load to carry after awhile. I've been there.done that and it wasn't fun. I don't approve of her cheating, don't approve of how she chose to exit the marriage but can certainly understand her reasons for doing so. Feeling like you are just some guy's ugly lil'l sugar mamma gets painful after awhile and it might have been a part of your dream but I'm betting it wasn't part of hers. Edited June 12, 2011 by soserious1
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 You've completed your degree? instead of feeling horrible here why not just say thank you for the 8 yrs of fiscal support that she did give to you and your son, surely your prospects are much brighter because of it? Going to work, day after day in order to support a man,knowing that everybody you know is whispering & laughing about how desperate you must be, how clearly inferior as a woman you are that you've got to pay in order to find a man willing to lower himself enough to marry you gets to be too heavy a load to carry after awhile. I've been there.done that and it wasn't fun. I don't approve of her cheating, don't approve of how she chose to exit the marriage but can certainly understand her reasons for doing so. Feeling like you are just some guy's ugly lil'l sugar mamma gets painful after awhile and it might have been a part of your dream but I'm betting it wasn't part of hers. Could you try and be a little more sexist?
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Thank you ALL for for your kind support. Today is a much better day than yesterday. Spent time with friends all day, it was fun. Steen, you are right this person was a fair weather friend at best. And good riddance. But the betrayal part still really hurts. You're very right I can't/won't call her my wife anymore -- she just simply doesn't DESERVE the title. Yellow shark, thanks, but I do not in any way shape or form want this woman I formerly called my wife (thanks steen) back in my life. Soserious, your response is amazingly sexist. I worked up hard until I went back to school -- partners do this thing for each other regardless of gender. Your response is very sexist and way off the mark.
soserious1 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Thank you ALL for for your kind support. Today is a much better day than yesterday. Spent time with friends all day, it was fun. Steen, you are right this person was a fair weather friend at best. And good riddance. But the betrayal part still really hurts. You're very right I can't/won't call her my wife anymore -- she just simply doesn't DESERVE the title. Yellow shark, thanks, but I do not in any way shape or form want this woman I formerly called my wife (thanks steen) back in my life. Soserious, your response is amazingly sexist. I worked up hard until I went back to school -- partners do this thing for each other regardless of gender. Your response is very sexist and way off the mark. Sorry but this "sexist" supported a man during her marriage and is now stuck supporting him for the rest of her life via alimony. Reading your posts made it pretty clear that the thing you miss most about your wife is her money, how upset you are that she's ruined your fiscal dreams .Personally I'm cheering for your wife, glad she wised up. You got to ride the gravy train for 9 yrs, you're waking away with a Master's Degree, why not just be grateful for that? Edited June 13, 2011 by soserious1
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Sorry but this "sexist" supported a man during her marriage and is now stuck supporting him for the rest of her life via alimony. Reading your posts made it pretty clear that the thing you miss most about your wife is her money, how upset you are that she's ruined your fiscal dreams .Personally I'm cheering for your wife, glad she wised up. You got to ride the gravy train for 9 yrs, you're waking away with a Master's Degree, why not just be grateful for that? Seriously? I'd prefer you take your bitter, venomous attitude out of my thread.
soserious1 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Seriously? I'd prefer you take your bitter, venomous attitude out of my thread. I've taken the time to read your posts about your impending divorce, in every single one of them you talk about just how upset you are that's she's derailed all your fiscal dreams and disrupted your financial security by deciding she no longer wants to be married to you and legally obligated to support you. I'm suggesting here that you had 9 yrs together, that she did help you achieve a master's degree, something that will increase your earning power for the rest of your life. Why be mad? why not just be grateful for the years of support and help she did give you?
Woggle Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Don't sweat the comments and your friend. Sorry to be sexist but most of the time women will side with other women no matter. I wish men had that kind of unity. Just dust your self off and move on with your life. That is the only thing you can do.
Steadfast Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I went through the emo/financial/shock as well. And the kids too; had, and still have them full time. During the ex's move out/affair period my dad passed away. Now, three years past what was a burden is now a blessing; even the financial stuff. Ruined, but don't care because what's growing behind the ruins is one hell of a lot better. Be prepared to bust your ass. Whoever said what doesn't kill you makes your stronger was very wise. My advice? Bad marriage or not, it's really hard to be successful when you have so many balls in the air. Having too much going on at once can add to the feeling of being overwhelmed. The truth is, you still control it...the key is realizing that you can. One thing at a time, priorities first. The friend? An illusion. The friends? Call them again and apologize for wearing them out, then thank them for the time they did spend comforting and counseling. You still need (at least) one good local friend to share with...one who understands what's involved. If that isn't possible then use LS more. Many do. This a generally a great bunch, but once and awhile you get one or two with something wedged sideways. Ignore them. Bad things happen to good people. It's on her. One day at a time.
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I've taken the time to read your posts about your impending divorce, in every single one of them you talk about just how upset you are that's she's derailed all your fiscal dreams and disrupted your financial security by deciding she no longer wants to be married to you and legally obligated to support you. I'm suggesting here that you had 9 yrs together, that she did help you achieve a master's degree, something that will increase your earning power for the rest of your life. Why be mad? why not just be grateful for the years of support and help she did give you? I am not saying she is obligated to continue to support me, I am saying that she has broken her vows and her commitment through lying and cheating --- and as a result my future has been completely changed and my financial security has been affected to a great degree. How is that not yet another loss to mourn? I mention it in every post because it is a big loss in addition to the emotional losses. If you suggest I just accept it and be happy/grateful. By the same token, if the courts have decided you have to pay alimony to your ex husband -- why not STFU and accept it w/o bitterness. Also, what does any of this have to do with my gender?
soserious1 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I am not saying she is obligated to continue to support me, I am saying that she has broken her vows and her commitment through lying and cheating --- and as a result my future has been completely changed and my financial security has been affected to a great degree. How is that not yet another loss to mourn? I mention it in every post because it is a big loss in addition to the emotional losses. If you suggest I just accept it and be happy/grateful. By the same token, if the courts have decided you have to pay alimony to your ex husband -- why not STFU and accept it w/o bitterness. Also, what does any of this have to do with my gender? First off I don't approve of your wife choosing to end a marriage that she was sick of being in by cheating, I was cheated on, used as a walking wallet and didn't like it a single bit. You should receive more than 50 % of the assets acquired during the marriage due to her conduct. Having qualified my remarks, your statements bother me for several reasons, the biggest one being that it appears the thing you "mourn" most about your marriage ending is the loss of access to your wife's wallet and the lifestyle you were accustomed to and the nice early retirement you were planning for yourself. From what you've said she supported you and children who aren't hers for several years, it also sounds like she did that generously, you will walk away from this marriage equipped with a Master's Degree in a field of your choosing, an asset that will provide you with increased earning power over the rest of your lifetime, you will also be legally entitled to 1/2 the assets acquired during the marriage, money to help you as you begin to build a new life.Sorry but I fail to see what it is exactly that you are mourning here? As to why I don't just "STFU and pay my alimony, there are a couple reasons. 1. he lied and cheated, his conduct was the cause of the marriage ending 2. we had no children together, he didn't earn dime one over the course of the marriage, he lived large though via the sweat off my brow 3, He has been rewarded for his conduct with an alimony award that combined with court ordered insurance etc allows him to live quite nicely and punishes me for the rest of my life as I probably will not be able to afford to retire. 4, he cries to everybody who will listen about how he "got screwed out of the life he deserves" and how unfair it was that I wasn't ordered to sell this house and give him half (I owned it outright prior to marriage" I didn't cheat on anybody, I didn't deny my spouse all sexual contact for over 2 years, I was the only one who ever had to break their ass by going to work to earn a paycheck.. yet he like you is mourning his fiscal losses? Sorry but I have a problem with people in childless marriages of short duration under 10 years) mourning the loss of the higher income spouse's wages. Edited June 13, 2011 by soserious1
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 First off I don't approve of your wife choosing to end a marriage that she was sick of being in by cheating, I was cheated on, used as a walking wallet and didn't like it a single bit. You should receive more than 50 % of the assets acquired during the marriage due to her conduct. Having qualified my remarks, your statements bother me for several reasons, the biggest one being that it appears the thing you "mourn" most about your marriage ending is the loss of access to your wife's wallet and the lifestyle you were accustomed to and the nice early retirement you were planning for yourself. From what you've said she supported you and children who aren't hers for several years, it also sounds like she did that generously, you will walk away from this marriage equipped with a Master's Degree in a field of your choosing, an asset that will provide you with increased earning power over the rest of your lifetime, you will also be legally entitled to 1/2 the assets acquired during the marriage, money to help you as you begin to build a new life.Sorry but I fail to see what it is exactly that you are mourning here? As to why I don't just "STFU and pay my alimony, there are a couple reasons. 1. he lied and cheated, his conduct was the cause of the marriage ending 2. we had no children together, he didn't earn dime one over the course of the marriage, he lived large though via the sweat off my brow 3, He has been rewarded for his conduct with an alimony award that combined with court ordered insurance etc allows him to live quite nicely and punishes me for the rest of my life as I probably will not be able to afford to retire. 4, he cries to everybody who will listen about how he "got screwed out of the life he deserves" and how unfair it was that I wasn't ordered to sell this house and give him half (I owned it outright prior to marriage" I didn't cheat on anybody, I didn't deny my spouse all sexual contact for over 2 years, I was the only one who ever had to break their ass by going to work to earn a paycheck.. yet he like you is mourning his fiscal losses? Sorry but I have a problem with people in childless marriages of short duration under 10 years) mourning the loss of the higher income spouse's wages. I'm not sure what's with the personal attack. Perhaps you should get some counselling for your bitterness. I am mourning the loss of my partner, and my future with her and yes a part of that is a financial too. My new household income is less than 1/5 of what it was -- think about that -- less than 1/5. That's a HUGE lifestyle change for me and my kids.
soserious1 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) I'm not sure what's with the personal attack. Perhaps you should get some counselling for your bitterness. I am mourning the loss of my partner, and my future with her and yes a part of that is a financial too. My new household income is less than 1/5 of what it was -- think about that -- less than 1/5. That's a HUGE lifestyle change for me and my kids. I fail to understand how "counseling" is going to make me happier about never being able to afford to retire, besides,I can't afford it, have to make sure my ex has enough money to wine & dine big breasted young babes or the judge will jail me for contempt. As far as your income being only 1/5 of what it was, all I can say is this, in addition to getting a job with your new Master's Degree and using the settlement you'll surely get from the divorce maybe you need to find a lawyer to pursue your kid's mother for child support if you aren't already collecting it, the children are certainly entitled to it. Oh and my comments aren't a "personal attack" they are a direct response to your remarks about me being "sexist" I read your posts,what jumps out at me most is your constant references to your wife's money & the lifestyle her labor enabled you to have. I didn't hear a shred of gratitude for the years of support,the help she did give you, the fact that she supported and helped children who aren't hers or any appreciation for the Master's Degree you are walking away from this marriage with. Sorry but to me it reads very clearly that the thing you miss most about your wife is her money.Perhaps she got that feeling too, that she was nothing but a gravy train to you. Sorry but as I sit here firmly yoked into paying alimony to a man who also somehow couldn't ever manage to earn much, I cannot help but cheer to read about a high earning woman who's going to get to walk away fiscally bruised by a divorce settlement but will get to keep her future earnings intact. I wish I'd been that smart. Edited June 14, 2011 by soserious1
Author The Great Gazoo Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 I fail to understand how "counseling" is going to make me happier about never being able to afford to retire, besides,I can't afford it, have to make sure my ex has enough money to wine & dine big breasted young babes or the judge will jail me for contempt. As far as your income being only 1/5 of what it was, all I can say is this, in addition to getting a job with your new Master's Degree and using the settlement you'll surely get from the divorce maybe you need to find a lawyer to pursue your kid's mother for child support if you aren't already collecting it, the children are certainly entitled to it. Oh and my comments aren't a "personal attack" they are a direct response to your remarks about me being "sexist" I read your posts,what jumps out at me most is your constant references to your wife's money & the lifestyle her labor enabled you to have. I didn't hear a shred of gratitude for the years of support,the help she did give you, the fact that she supported and helped children who aren't hers or any appreciation for the Master's Degree you are walking away from this marriage with. Sorry but to me it reads very clearly that the thing you miss most about your wife is her money.Perhaps she got that feeling too, that she was nothing but a gravy train to you. Sorry but as I sit here firmly yoked into paying alimony to a man who also somehow couldn't ever manage to earn much, I cannot help but cheer to read about a high earning woman who's going to get to walk away fiscally bruised by a divorce settlement but will get to keep her future earnings intact. I wish I'd been that smart. Why do you need counselling? Well maybe b/c you seem rude, judgmental & bitter?. You really know nothing about me or my situation, other than the few posts I've made where yes, I've talked about being very emotionally AND financially damaged by my ex's actions, yet you continue to judge me and my motivations based on your experience with your husband. You also continue to whine about your finances, I can't be concerned about finances in my divorce, but you can? That seems hypocritical. I loved my wife and appreciated everything she did for me. But I also took care of the household and everything around it while I was in school, taking the parenting and domestic role. Her actions have hurt me extremely deeply and I've really been struggling to move forward in my life. I turn here looking for support and you attack my character? Nice.
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