Waiting For Nothing

[RuinedLife]

I feel like I'm constantly waiting for my ex to change his mind and contact me. Which is completely crazy, especially since I haven't checked my emails in over a week so even if he had contacted me in a positive way I would have no idea that he had.

 

I just feel my life has no real point without him, and I spent most of my relationship waiting for him to come and see me or waiting to hear from him.

 

And now he's gone.

 

I'm waiting for nothing. How do I change my way of thinking? Because I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. I need to stop waiting for my life to happen, for someone else to trigger the start of my life. That is such a warped way of thinking

 

I just have nothing else to look forward to in my life at the moment. Watching a DVD with my parents has been the highlight of my day for months now.

Not that I did anything really exciting with my ex either, but it was exciting just being around him.

 

Sorry guys, I guess I'm just venting again.

[RuinedLife]

I listen to music to help myself feel better but I think of my ex no matter what I'm doing, listening to, watching or reading.

 

And my favorite music makes me crave him more than ever. How can I possibly still crave him so much when its been over 4 months since I've seen him!?!! Its ridiculous! And its driving me completely insane!!

[ItsRainingAgain]

I listen to music to help myself feel better but I think of my ex no matter what I'm doing, listening to, watching or reading.

 

And my favorite music makes me crave him more than ever. How can I possibly still crave him so much when its been over 4 months since I've seen him!?!! Its ridiculous! And its driving me completely insane!!

 

Wish I could suggest some helpfull advise but I too feel the same way about my ex bf. Hopefully some members here can give us some good advise. It does help me when I spend time with my friends but when I return home alone...I hurt all over again. The morning is the worst...another day I have to deal with this pain.

 

I too keep thinking and wishing he would call or email one day. It's been a month and a half since I last seen him and almost 4 weeks since I last made contact. Time isn't healing me at all...I feel worse every day that passes.

 

 

Every song on the radio reminds me of him and I. Never realized there are so many break up songs until now.

[bikinibeach]

i 've been here. currently am at the moment.

 

i find the best recourse is to take your power back. change your number and block his email or close that account.

 

no more waiting.

 

let it go! so hard though, i know. but it must be done.

[lovesickmonkey]

Watching a DVD with my parents has been the highlight of my day for months now.

 

My God I am so happy that there is at least someone, and perhaps thousands of people, who are going through the exact same thing. I am tired of checking e-mail, Facebook, my phone, for messages of hope that are not going to come. But I keep checking. I feel uncomfortable about not checking. But I know I won't hear from her. And I don't know why I want to hear from her. The last time I saw her she was perpetrating the worst act of cruelty I have ever had done to me. I haveto move on but the damn optimism or whatever it is had me stuck, checking for messages.

It's true though. The phone and computer were always full of messages from her deciding what we would do this weekend. This is tough to get through.

[geegirl]

How can I possibly still crave him so much when its been over 4 months since I've seen him!?!! Its ridiculous! And its driving me completely insane!!

 

You don't want to let go. You want to dwell. If you don't make a conscious effort to focus working on you and other areas in your life, well, then the focus will stay with him.

[RuinedLife]

I know you're right geegirl. I know.

 

But I wake up every morning in agony after vivid dreams of my ex bf, who I think about constantly. Knowing that the break up was my fault. And I honestly just want to die, I feel I deserve to die and I feel like its the only way to get rid of this despair for good. I know logically that doesn't make sense and with time and medication I should start to feel better, but right now, I honestly just don't want to exist anymore.

 

To my mind I've failed, I've been rejected (therefore I must be evil and my ex must really hate me for the things I said to him, must think I'm pathetic beyond belief, will never be able to forgive me). Also I brought this pain on myself as I caused this break up because of my insecurities and my self hatred is so intense it constantly under minds my self esteem. I invested so much in my relationship and became so co-dependent to the point where my life has no meaning without my ex by my side.

 

And I know all these things sound ridiculous, absurd and down right pathetic. But this is how I feel, its worse in the mornings but I feel this way most of the day. Honestly, its been over 4 months now and many days I only feel I'm getting worse as my comforting blanket "denial" slowly disintegrates and leaves me exposed to the agonizing torture of reality that my already wilting being is far too ill equipped and weak to cope with.

 

The only realistic future I see at this point is in a mental hospital, and that would be horrible I'm sure. I struggle on for my family as I know they love me to bits and I know how much it would hurt them if I wasn't here. But I honestly feel, that other than sparing my family that pain, there is no point to me existing anymore. As ridiculous as that sounds. If I could find away to block my ex and my overwhelming guilt and self hatred from my thoughts I would but nothing I try seems to work. I guess its just another illustration of how weak my spirit has become and I know only I have the power to change things, except that I don't feel I have that power anymore. So I just don't have the inner strength needed to cope and move forward. I don't want to leave this world. I just don't want to suffer this pain anymore. My consultant psychiatrist is visiting me on Monday, I will tell him all these feelings I've had, and hopefully get some anti-depressants. I realize that there is no magic pill that can suddenly cure all this heartache and self hatred but its something and maybe it will help stop me thinking in such a negative way about myself and my break up.

 

I'm sorry to be so dramatic and negative, I really am, but I know when you feel these things its best to talk about them and reach out to others. I hope it doesn't upset anyone too much. I'm pretty sure I'd never act on such thoughts as I love my family too much to hurt them like that. But I still feel the hopelessness and worthlessness that makes me feel my existence is now empty and meaningless. I know thats the depression talking. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Edited June 12, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Trovador]

I spent most of my relationship waiting for him to come and see me or waiting to hear from him.

 

There is something I found peculiar about my ex. Every time I saw or called her, she was doing something. Always. Reading. Working. Working out. Yoga classes. Playing the damn Wii (ha ha!). Walking the dog. A few times watching a movie. You name it. She was always doing something. And she never expected a call from me. Meaning: she was happy by herself. Maybe I added some joy to her life, but she was doing fine with or without me.

 

That's was why she took so well our break up. She had tons of activities, projects and hobbies to immerse herself. She was busy. She surely is busy right now. In the process she acted very cold towards me, but that's another story.

 

The morale is that happiness shouldn't depend on anybody and that our SOs should enhance our lives, not to be them. Good thing is that it's not late to start getting busy, proactive, creative, enthusiastic, optimist, etc...

 

Let's do something new today!

 

(In case you are wondering, I am following my own advice... I am writing a poetic piece, but not about love ha ha!)

[Mack05]

Ruined I replied to one of your threads yesterday, seems to have gone in one ear out the next. What yourself and too many people seem to be doing is focusing all your effort and energy on your ex. I know because I did the same.

 

At some stage, we all get over our current heartbreak, but the whole experience is pointless unless you really learn something about ourselves. In my last relationship (for various reasons), I made more mistakes then all the others combined. Yet for the first month of NC, all I did was blame my ex and try to find out what was wrong with her and why did she treat me like this. Had I kept doing that then at some stage I would have moved on, but I guarantee you I would be making the EXACT same mistakes in my next relationship.

 

This is the time instead of focusing on him and his faults, to turn all this inwards to you. A relationship breaks down because it's broken. The success rate of people getting back together after a breakup cannot be high because it takes two people to break the relationship. Most times, its easier to move to pastures new instead of trying to pick up a million pieces and try putting them all back together.

 

Sure it helps to know the role your ex played in the breakup but it is FAR more important to realise your own role. I have played back over and over the mistakes I have made in my last relationship. This is not easy, as its much easier to blame other people. I'd rather not be a coward and kid myself, that will just get me in more and more trouble..The one thing I am beyond determined to do in the future is not to make the same mistakes in my life going forward. The only way I can do that is look deep within myself. Accept that I am far from perfect and focus all my attention on fixing myself, no matter how hard or uncomfortable that process is (and it is). What my ex does did with me or with her life going forward is no longer my concern or problem. Just forgive them for the role they played in the breakup and wish them well.

[RuinedLife]

Ruined I replied to one of your threads yesterday, seems to have gone in one ear out the next. What yourself and too many people seem to be doing is focusing all your effort and energy on your ex. I know because I did the same.

 

At some stage, we all get over our current heartbreak, but the whole experience is pointless unless you really learn something about ourselves. In my last relationship (for various reasons), I made more mistakes then all the others combined. Yet for the first month of NC, all I did was blame my ex and try to find out what was wrong with her and why did she treat me like this. Had I kept doing that then at some stage I would have moved on, but I guarantee you I would be making the EXACT same mistakes in my next relationship.

 

This is the time instead of focusing on him and his faults, to turn all this inwards to you. A relationship breaks down because it's broken. The success rate of people getting back together after a breakup cannot be high because it takes two people to break the relationship. Most times, its easier to move to pastures new instead of trying to pick up a million pieces and try putting them all back together.

 

Sure it helps to know the role your ex played in the breakup but it is FAR more important to realise your own role. I have played back over and over the mistakes I have made in my last relationship. This is not easy, as its much easier to blame other people. I'd rather not be a coward and kid myself, that will just get me in more and more trouble..The one thing I am beyond determined to do in the future is not to make the same mistakes in my life going forward. The only way I can do that is look deep within myself. Accept that I am far from perfect and focus all my attention on fixing myself, no matter how hard or uncomfortable that process is (and it is). What my ex does did with me or with her life going forward is no longer my concern or problem. Just forgive them for the role they played in the breakup and wish them well.

 

I completely agree, and believe me I know I have many faults, many many faults as it is my faults, my insecurity and anxiety that ruined my relationship. And I don't blame my ex at all, sure he played a part as it takes two people to make or break a relationship, but really I only blame myself.

 

And I have analysed my own issues in depth, read loads of articles on the internet and talked to therapists every day about my issues as they come to check on me during my darkest days.

 

I know I suffer from anxiety, social phobia, depression, obsessive thinking, obsessive love disorder, love addiction, co-dependent behavior.

 

And many more things too. And I am an incredibly inward thinking person. I live in my own imagination and memories a lot of the time and I find it very difficult to connect to the real world.

 

All these issues I have I want to address and learn how to manage (or if possible recover from) but at the moment I am really struggling to cope alone.

I've just been so overwhelmed by all these things and I'm lacking that inner strength and resolve to really push forward and escape from their grip.

 

It doesn't help that I'm still in denial that my relationship is now truly over forever, or that I'm very isolated because of my illness. But I still want to get better, to get through this depression to the other side.

 

I have obsessed over and over about all the mistakes I made in the relationship, mainly the break up and know pretty much exactly what I did wrong my end and why the relationship was so unhealthy. Mainly due to my own co-dependent behavior and insecurity issues and inability to communicate these issues properly with my ex, when our relationship was stable.

 

I also realise I am incredibly immature for my age and have a lot of emotional growing up to do. I've been incredibly dependent on others for a long time now due to my long term illness and that has made it difficult for me to come to terms with this feeling of abandonment and rejection. But I know I can get better, I know I can become a more dependent, self loving person, its just going to take a lot of time. The first step on the journey is to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made in the relationship, accept that the relationship is now over and my ex is not coming back and then move forward and work on all my issues so that I can become a better person and have better relationships in the future.

[Exit]

Ruined I replied to one of your threads yesterday, seems to have gone in one ear out the next.

 

I was thinking the same thing. New threads and posts every day about the same stuff: mornings are the hardest, being very depressed, future in the mental hospital, meaningless life.

 

You've GOT to break yourself out of this cycle. Look out the window and appreciate that the sun still rises in the morning. Appreciate that you do not have a terminal illness. All over the world there are kids in childrens hospital who are battling cancer instead of enjoying childhood. I know we are ALL here moping about something so I am not trying to attack you, but you seem stuck and definitely need a kick in the booty. Call a friend and go out to dinner! Take yourself shopping. Rent a movie. Go for a run to get rid of some of your anxious energy. Go volunteer somewhere and do a good deed. Anything.

 

Your life is not meaningless. This is the thought process that set your relationship up for failure in the first place. Your life needs to have meaning whether or not 1 certain person is there with you. A person who comes and goes should only have the power to remove that 1 thing from your life - themselves. They shouldn't be taking all of your happiness and lust for life with them.

 

You need to do something, and soon. I'm just as upset about my breakup, but I let my friends convince me to go to a bar on Saturday night which I hardly ever do, they bought me three drinks and suddenly I was laughing and having fun. Sunday I cleaned out the garage and then went for a drive.

 

If you can't snap out of this it may be time to talk to someone for some professional help. If you don't want to be in constant pain anymore then take steps to stop it -- and no that doesn't mean ending your life or anything crazy.

 

You WILL be okay. I believe in you, and I'm asking you to do yourself (and me) a favor and do something that you will enjoy today, okay? Go walk around a bookstore or something and buy yourself something interesting!

[RuinedLife]

I was thinking the same thing. New threads and posts every day about the same stuff: mornings are the hardest, being very depressed, future in the mental hospital, meaningless life.

 

You've GOT to break yourself out of this cycle. Look out the window and appreciate that the sun still rises in the morning. Appreciate that you do not have a terminal illness. All over the world there are kids in childrens hospital who are battling cancer instead of enjoying childhood. I know we are ALL here moping about something so I am not trying to attack you, but you seem stuck and definitely need a kick in the booty. Call a friend and go out to dinner! Take yourself shopping. Rent a movie. Go for a run to get rid of some of your anxious energy. Go volunteer somewhere and do a good deed. Anything.

 

Your life is not meaningless. This is the thought process that set your relationship up for failure in the first place. Your life needs to have meaning whether or not 1 certain person is there with you. A person who comes and goes should only have the power to remove that 1 thing from your life - themselves. They shouldn't be taking all of your happiness and lust for life with them.

 

You need to do something, and soon. I'm just as upset about my breakup, but I let my friends convince me to go to a bar on Saturday night which I hardly ever do, they bought me three drinks and suddenly I was laughing and having fun. Sunday I cleaned out the garage and then went for a drive.

 

If you can't snap out of this it may be time to talk to someone for some professional help. If you don't want to be in constant pain anymore then take steps to stop it -- and no that doesn't mean ending your life or anything crazy.

 

You WILL be okay. I believe in you, and I'm asking you to do yourself (and me) a favor and do something that you will enjoy today, okay? Go walk around a bookstore or something and buy yourself something interesting!

 

Yes ok I promise I will do something I enjoy today.

 

But think maybe you didn't read my last post? The one I just submitted before yours?

[RuinedLife]

But I know I can get better, I know I can become a more independent, self loving person, its just going to take a lot of time. The first step on the journey is to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made in the relationship, accept that the relationship is now over and my ex is not coming back and then move forward and work on all my issues so that I can become a better person and have better relationships in the future.

 

Sorry... correction needed.

[Sugarkane]

Sure it helps to know the role your ex played in the breakup but it is FAR more important to realise your own role. I have played back over and over the mistakes I have made in my last relationship. This is not easy, as its much easier to blame other people. I'd rather not be a coward and kid myself, that will just get me in more and more trouble..The one thing I am beyond determined to do in the future is not to make the same mistakes in my life going forward. The only way I can do that is look deep within myself. Accept that I am far from perfect and focus all my attention on fixing myself, no matter how hard or uncomfortable that process is (and it is). What my ex does did with me or with her life going forward is no longer my concern or problem. Just forgive them for the role they played in the breakup and wish them well.

What about if you really didn't do anything wrong? I don't think there is much more taht I could improve upon. My ex is the one who jumps from girl to girl, like there's no tomorrow. I also wouldn't dump someone in a really cruel way, especially out of the blue.

I was a good girlfriend and never cheated. I only saw him on weekends, so I was far from clingy. Yet my ex dumped me by text completely out of the blue and insulting me. He refused to see me, let alone even talk to me. He was verbally abusive and blamed everything on me. How could someone be so utterly callous? Would you dump someone like this? I never heard from him again. I never broke NC.

If my ex ever does contact me I'll probably laugh my head off. I'll say well you had the best girlfriend and dumped her completely callously. You made your bed, now lie in it.

[Mack05]

What about if you really didn't do anything wrong? I don't think there is much more taht I could improve upon. My ex is the one who jumps from girl to girl, like there's no tomorrow. I also wouldn't dump someone in a really cruel way, especially out of the blue.

I was a good girlfriend and never cheated. I only saw him on weekends, so I was far from clingy. Yet my ex dumped me by text completely out of the blue and insulting me. He refused to see me, let alone even talk to me. He was verbally abusive and blamed everything on me. How could someone be so utterly callous? Would you dump someone like this? I never heard from him again. I never broke NC.

If my ex ever does contact me I'll probably laugh my head off. I'll say well you had the best girlfriend and dumped her completely callously. You made your bed, now lie in it.

 

Sugarkane I honestly can't answer that question for you..I have no doubt you are a great girl (I read your posts and I know your a class act) so I have no idea why this guy would have left you and I certainly would not even try to speculate. I am 36 (sure I am a good bit older then you are) and I have had 3 serious relationships (one that lasted 7 years) before my last one. I always felt I was a good boyfriend, so when those relationships failed I always blamed my partners for the demise of the relationship and focused on their shortcomings. That helped me move on, blaming everyone else but me. Turns out that is a very unhealthy way of doing things. It was only when I lost my last girlfriend, did I say to myself "hang on here, your 36 and single this is no longer someone's problem, it's yours". I have been going over texts/emails alot lately between my ex and I. Not only that, but I have been going over emails with the girl I was seeing before my last ex. I saw something that really shocked me. I more or less sent them the exact same types of emails (only difference was that they were 3 years apart). I couldn't believe the pattern I was seeing. I then started digging more and more and it's only now am I realising these faults that I have. I have just been ignoring them for so long. These are faults that I have to resolve or I will not be able to give the right woman the happiness she deserves. It is important to know your ex's faults in the relationship, we can learn from that but it's alot more important to figure out where you went wrong in the relationship. Otherwise how can we bring those lessons forward?

Edited June 13, 2011 by Mack05

[Movingthrough]

There is a book out called Attachment theory, amazon it and check it out if you can. You obviously have an anxious attachment style which is fine, a lot of people do.

 

One thing that helped me a lot was knowing that as humans we want other people around, we want a companion and we dont like being alone. Obviously, every one is different but accepting the fact that you feel the way you do because it is normal to want someone around has helped me a lot.

 

Looking inward is good to do, being happy with yourself is good, but the other person caused issues too and it takes two to tango. The problem nowadays is if there was one issue in the relationship it usually doesnt get addressed then it spins off into something else, and then one person moves on. Ive been posting a lot about this lately because its all i read or hear about, its easier to move on then to fix a problem.

 

The point im getting at is its not all you, it was something that couldnt work, so remember that when you are down, and if you are "doing nothing" and always thinking of him, its proof that its a learning phase you need to go through. I was in the same boat as you where i was doing nothing and just "waiting" for her to call, but when i stopped and thought about it, i was like why am i waiting for the call? What difference would it make? I remember sitting with a freind one day and thinking "you know what, maybe this is the whole point of this", when you are at rock bottom its like the earths way of telling you "hey this isnt working", so you get back up and vow to never make that mistake again.

[Sugarkane]

Movingthrough- I have read Attachment theory too. It made sense of my exes behaviour,why he always had one foot out of the relationship and sort of kept me at arms length.

 

Mack05- I understand what you're getting at. But how do you know what to improve on if the ex leaves you without even saying goodbye? I didn't even get a conversation with my ex. Talk about a complete mind****.

Due to the hostile way my ex brokeup with me, without even an explaination, I'm positive I was cheated on. Why else would you do that to someone?

[lovesickmonkey]

What about if you really didn't do anything wrong? I don't think there is much more taht I could improve upon. My ex is the one who jumps from girl to girl, like there's no tomorrow. I also wouldn't dump someone in a really cruel way, especially out of the blue.

I was a good girlfriend and never cheated. I only saw him on weekends, so I was far from clingy. Yet my ex dumped me by text completely out of the blue and insulting me. He refused to see me, let alone even talk to me. He was verbally abusive and blamed everything on me. How could someone be so utterly callous? Would you dump someone like this? I never heard from him again. I never broke NC.

If my ex ever does contact me I'll probably laugh my head off. I'll say well you had the best girlfriend and dumped her completely callously. You made your bed, now lie in it.

 

The SAME thing happened to me. I mean, why not just say that things didn't work out, that I fell out of love, etc, etc. I don't understand how someone who knows that they are the center of your universe could leave you and insult you on the way out the door. The psychologists say that it is to cover for their own guilt and lack of a reason for leaving but can't they see that, on the face of it, they are injuring someone horribly? That the wounds will be much more painful and take much longer to heal. Why do seemingly nice people become such fiends when they want to beg out of a relationship? Are the TRUE reasons even more painful? I doubt it.

[novus69]

I went through a recent lengthy break up. We went back and forth, I tried to give him another chance, only to find him betray me again. I don't know if my pain is caused by the fact that I do miss him or at least the good times that we shared or if the pain is caused by my anger towards me for ignoring all the red flags throughout this relationship (see my post "the forest of red flags").

 

I understand how you feel. You are grieving. I don't know what you did to be so hard on yourself, but either way, if you did wrong or not, it is just one of the most painful things to go through. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, start loving yourself!

 

It has been only a few weeks for me....I cry at some point every day....I find myself just laying on the couch not being able to move....I feel as if I have let myself down.....I no longer trust myself, my judgement.....

 

I even thought about ending my life at one point....I snapped out of it after doing a grueling amount of self-evaluation. You have to become very honest and clear with yourself why you feel the way you do.

 

I realized it's not really my ex that I'm crying about....I am crying because I betrayed myself and hung on to an "idea" of a relationship, the dream of "what could be"....and realized, when looking at everyday life that I had with him, it was nowhere near that dream and never would be.

 

We put these ideas in our heads and cling to them, we hear what we want to hear, we see what we want to see. We are lead by our fears and insecurities.

 

Yes, I try to keep busy, I'm going back to school full-time, I can't wait, I will meet new people and keep busy, I will be forced to. I also started to volunteer at a homeless shelter for abused women with their children. An old friend of mine did this before and she said it made her problems pail in comparison. It sure has put things into perspective!

 

If my ex could not appreciate me and make me feel good about myself, so be it. You don't nor should you need another person to make you feel whole. YOU need to make YOU feel whole and then you can be ready to receive love fully.

 

I am going to give my love and devotion to the universe one way or the other. Be in service to others and you will feel love all around you.

[RuinedLife]

I do feel a little better about myself now and I'm doing things for myself now. Which is good.

 

But every day I still feel like I'm waiting for my ex to contact me, apologize for leaving me so coldly and tell me how much he loves me again. And every day when there is no email from him, no text, no instant message breaks my heart.

 

I love him so much still and just knowing he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want me anymore really hurts still even after 5 months have gone by.

 

Its silly really but every day I still feel like I'm forever waiting for him to come back to me.

 

My brain just can't seem to comprehend that he's just stopped loving me after all we've been through together. But I've analysed our relationship every which way and I think I have a good grip on what happened now.

 

My fear of abandonment triggered my insecurities triggered his conflict avoidance, fear of commitment and intimacy and caused him to want to distance himself from me and pull away from the relationship.

 

It hurts but I've read soo many psychology articles and books now I could easily write a thesis on our relationship if I put all the possibilities into a report.... Crazy huh?

[RuinedLife]

I just keep feeling these set backs, because I feel like I'm waiting for my ex to come back

 

Almost expecting him to come back. Its so silly.

 

I don't know why my life seems so meaningless without him. I need to focus on other things and help other people. I will try and offer others more helpful advice and post more positive videos to give others support and motivation to get better.

Edited June 19, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Kilty]

The reality is that deep down you are not waiting for HIM to come back - you are just missing the companionship - something that you have been used to for so long.

 

You dont believe that at the moment as all your thought processes are being fed by your emotions.

 

The majority of human beings hate change and we would rather be lazy and continue with what we are constantly used to.

 

You have gotten used to this person, went all through the getting to know one another , got comfortable with each other etc etc

 

The thought of having to start again with someone else at the very beginning is an ominous thought when the easy lazy option is to fall back with what you have been used to where you wouldnt need to go all through the beginning of a new relationship again.

 

However another reality that your mind is making you forget is that a new relationship with someone else should be mostly exciting.

 

Everything is new, everything is different, everything is unexpected and unexplored.

 

Some will not be as good as your ex and some, particularly one will be a million times better - thats the deal.

 

Its just life but if you give up and hold onto the past then you will be where you are forever and miss out on a great deal.

 

Obviously we all are at your stage after a break up - but you eventually get there and come to that realisation.