someonesomewhere Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) Hi all, I've been dating this great guy for almost a year now. For the most part, things have been great. We've had our ups and downs, mostly due to some baggage he has from his previous relationship that ended badly and some commitment issues and some major differences in circumstances that he has concerns about (certain health issues, money, etc.) Nonetheless, we've gotten very close, emotionally. We haven't had sex (see the aforementioned "certain health issues"), but we have made progress in demonstrating physical affection. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll be moving away for an unknown, but hopefully short, period of time. We took some time apart while he was on a business trip to think about what to do, and he came back saying that it's too much uncertainty, and that he wants to maintain our friendship but end the demonstrations of physical affection. This worries me, because I think now that we've opened the "physical intimacy" can of worms, suddenly scaling it back is going to cause some serious feelings of apprehension, isolation, and distance. I do think it would be good to re-establish some independence from one another, because things had begun to get a little strained recently, anyway, and it seems like a good skill for dealing with an impending separation. I also agree that because we don't know what will happen, we should limit making any additional requests from each other (in terms of developing our relationship further). But my intuition says that "going backwards" is a bad idea, and that in a situation like this more than ever, it would be important to preserve the level of closeness we'd achieved so we don't forget it while we're apart (and so there's no flare up of anxieties over the dramatic changes right before I go away). I'd be very interested to know how you guys might suggest approaching this. One problem we have is that he sometimes has trouble accepting responsibility for the fact that his actions impact other people's feelings and is not always immediately willing to make compromises. I do respect his desire to stand his ground, but my gut says there needs to be a certain willingness to compromise for the sake of the relationship, and I'm not sure how to communicate this point to him so he can be open to finding a positive strategy. Edited June 11, 2011 by someonesomewhere
heartshaped Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 We took some time apart while he was on a business trip to think about what to do, and he came back saying that it's too much uncertainty, and that he wants to maintain our friendship but end the demonstrations of physical affection. So wait.. Is this man your boyfriend or isn't he? You say you've been dating him for almost a year, but he tells you he wants to "maintain your friendship"?
Author someonesomewhere Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Well, his commitment issues have made labels a little tricky. He is essentially my boyfriend but we haven't reached a point where he has felt comfortable codifying it. Nonetheless, our relationship has been pretty much indisputably romantic in nature, What he means when he says he wants to "maintain our friendship but end the demonstrations of physical affection," I think, is that he wants to preserve our emotional closeness but eliminate the physical gestures.
HeavenOrHell Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't see how he can be your boyfriend if he doesn't want physical affection? Would you be happy having a partner who doesn't want to touch you?! How can you build on what you have if he wants to stop physical affection, and he calls it a friendship rather than a relationship? To me it doesn't sound there's any hope of a future with him But maybe you haven't given us all the facts, I don't know, from what you've said so far it doesn't sound great, sorry. The only reason I am happy in my LDR is because we have plenty of contact when we're apart, which is loving as well as sexual, and as much physical contact as we can cram in when we're together. Well, his commitment issues have made labels a little tricky. He is essentially my boyfriend but we haven't reached a point where he has felt comfortable codifying it. Nonetheless, our relationship has been pretty much indisputably romantic in nature, What he means when he says he wants to "maintain our friendship but end the demonstrations of physical affection," I think, is that he wants to preserve our emotional closeness but eliminate the physical gestures.
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