sandcast123 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I have been dating someone for about 7 months. He is in his early 60's and I am in my mid 50's. Things have been going along pretty well and we have had some adjustments but I felt pretty good about things. Until now. I have noticed one thing about him is that he says he is not prejudiced but his actions say otherwise. If I say I am having a problem with someone at work with our financial issues, he asks if they are Jewish. He mentioned to my daughter that "Jewish people have books about the holocaust but the blacks have not written about their history. Black people should write books." Or he asks me if I knew that many congressmen were gay in the US house. I am not prejudiced at all so these things bother me. I feel like when he is out with my family and friends, I have to monitor what he says. That is not ok. I know I can't change him. It is too late for that. I have told him how I feel about this and he says he is not prejudiced but when I look at what he says/does, I disagree. I am trying to decide whether or not to continue with this relationship. Ideas?
Jazzari Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 The Jewish comment could have been on off-color joke. The rest of the comments are not necessarily negative. Saying that black people should write books about their history would be a positive thing. Though I find it hard to believe that there are no such books already written. How many gays in congress could just be a honest question. If the number is high, that would be surprising. But not necessarily negative. It depends on the follow up to these statements and how they are delivered. He says he is not prejudiced. Has he ever used the "N" word? Ever ranted about a particular race? Said that he wanted to throw all gays out of public office? Does he treat minorities badly?
Author sandcast123 Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 He does not use the N word. He does go on about Jewish people and Israel often. He thinks Jewish people are all about money and have lots of power because of it. I was talking about Daniel Pearl's death one time and he said that he didn't feel bad about it because Daniel Pearl should have known it was dangerous. He said Jewish people feel entitled to things. When we have been with black people, he treats them just fine. So, it is confusing. I think part that was hard was when my daughter said the thing to me about overhearing talking about black people writing books - she said that there were thousands of books written by black people and their history. So, she was offended. I don't want to be with someone who offends my children. Very hard to figure this out for me.
Author sandcast123 Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 He insists he is not prejudiced. However after I told him, he said something about blacks in the same conversation. I don't want to ask him to change. He is who he is. I am old enough to know this.
Tybalt Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 My dad is British and in his 60's. He is definitely one for puns and jokes, and many of them are not politically correct at all. For example, he used to refer to my ex-fiance privately (who was half Vietnamese) as the "yellow peril." He did this partly because I'd get so angry at him. He never meant it seriously though, and he was the first to be outraged and angry when a good friend (a latina woman) told him that her boyfriend (who is african-american) was pulled over and physically roughed up because the police basically assumed he must be a drug dealer (he isn't). My dad referred to me as a "wog" growing up because I have irish and american blood as well as english. I know he will never stop and I will never quit rolling my eyes and telling him I hate it either. On the plus side, my dad has been with my mother for 37 years and has always been a steadfast, committed man with a lot of integrity. I guess if this man seems preoccupied with labeling people as "other" than himself I'd find that problematic. If he is simply referring to people in a context that is more generational (he grew up with certain terms etc), and he enjoys bucking the system and being a bit controversial, then it becomes a decision about whether you can tolerate the comments.
Cee Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Ugh, I couldn't handle that. I have Jewish heritage and I hate racial prejudice. I majored in civil rights history in college and I would have told the guy to read something the legendary historian and sociologist W.E.B DuBois wrote. DuBois wrote many legendary books about the African-American experience including "Souls of Black Folk" in 1903. I dated a Jewish man who was openly prejudiced on race. I tried to put up with it, but eventually it eroded my respect for him. We soon broke up. The fact that he denies his prejudice is the main problem. He's unwilling to see it and be open to new understanding. That to me is more offensive than his ignorant comments.
Author sandcast123 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Well, I finally had enough and ended things today. He was denying he was prejudiced and when he brought up the thing about blacks not writing history books, he kept harping about my daughter misunderstanding him and she was only in her 20's and how she has not marched for gays and he has and on and on. He even started talking about Cambodians and Jewish people again. So, I said I was uncomfortable with that kind of talk around my family and friends as well as myself. He got angry and started listing all his awards for veteran of the year and decorations in the army and awards from the city. He said that people who get awards are way up here (holding his hand high) and others who don't are down here (holding his hand low). I felt so much like we couldn't even really talk about this. I was so sad. I also asked him why he only came for one overnight at my house in seven months and I had come to many at his (we live one hour apart). He said it was because the weather was bad in the winter - I asked him why it is ok for me to drive in bad weather and not him. And on and on. So, I told him I was done. I left and even though I believe it is best, I miss him. I guess I just want to hear from someone as I feel really alone in this tonight. I miss the potential of him and the potential future we could have had. I liked his family very much.
Author sandcast123 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Oh, I meant to mention that he went on about Archie and Edith Bunker - from that old TV show - and how Archie was a bigot but Edith loved him and supported him even though he was. She supported him. He said I should support him the same way, even if he was a bigot. I should stand by him. I just don't agree.
thatone Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 he's the stereotypical 60 year old that sits around watching fox news all day and that's all he knows about the world, and he's become belligerent about it. no reason to be around such people. if you haven't gotten any smarter in 60 years you're not going to figure it out now.
Author sandcast123 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 He does watch a lot of news on TV, not Fox though. He reads a lot of newspapers. He likes to be known as the expert on things and asks me "Did you know x?" all the time. If I don't know, he reminds me of it later than I didn't. Oh, I guess it is better it is over. I just feel like a failure as it is just another relationship that didn't work out.
thatone Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 i don't understand what happens to people at 60+ that makes them experts on the world by watching the news all day. you'd probably know better than me. strangely enough, kids in their early 20s are the same way. maybe it's something to do with the moon and even numbered decades. who knows. either way i think you did the right thing. don't beat yourself up too much about it. you're in your 50s, this can't be the first one that didn't work out .
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2011 Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) He does watch a lot of news on TV, not Fox though. He reads a lot of newspapers. He likes to be known as the expert on things and asks me "Did you know x?" all the time. If I don't know, he reminds me of it later than I didn't. Oh, I guess it is better it is over. I just feel like a failure as it is just another relationship that didn't work out. He sounds like a man that's a bit naive about the world around him, and maybe trying to compensate for that by prending he knows more than he does. Pfrobably makes him feel good about himself on a small level. No, you can't change a person's understanding of the world around them in a monumental way, but you probably could gradually, on a smaller level. If he's a war vet, he's seen and done things that the rest of couldn't possibly comprehend- might have something to do with his perspective and the way he views the world. Edited June 19, 2011 by D-Lish
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