Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 is that the more things you try that don't work out in the long run, the more desperate you feel. I've been fighting depression, social phobia and "addictive love disorder" for over a decade now. I've seen countless counsellors, therapists of all kinds, have done homeopathy, anti-depressants, Bach flower remedies, yoga, relaxation, self-help books, self-help tapes, exercise, special diets, the list goes on... Some of it has helped, a little, or a lot, but in the end, the main issues remain : the unability to make a living through a job that doesn't make me wanna die, and the unability to maintain a happy stable relationship. (oh and, by the way, the only "mental health hurdle" (I use quotes because I don't believe in labelling various shades of unhappiness and unappropriate coping behaviors as mental illnesses) the only issue of this kind that I ever completely overcame, is severe eating disorders that I developed after my first breakup 8 years ago, that stayed with me for a couple of years and which I ELIMINATED TOTALLY, on my own, don't even know how exactly, I just got fed up with them if you can say so, decided they were ruining my life and below me and finally found other things to fill my mind with and obsess over. But if I remember correctly, getting better is something that sort of just happened, not something I fought for tooth and nail, driving myself crazy.) I'm at a point now where I don't want to try anything else and risk ending up even more disappointed and desperate when it doesn't work out again. I've been eyeing this book - "Working on yourself doesn't work" by Ariel & Shya Kane which seems to come from about this place that I am now. Yet another self-help book, lol, you can tell how deep into a rut I am. Please, people, I really need your opinions on this, this is the forefront concern on my mind these days, even more so than my ex. I do want to improve my life and win against adversity at last, but I'm just terrified that the more I fight and find I still lose, the more desperate and paralysed I'll end up. Hence why I'm not doing or trying much these days, not making much effort and basically indulging like I've never ever done in my life. I want to make an effort to improve my life because I know I'll feel better doing it, not just because this nagging voice in my head is telling me this is what I should do even if I really feel it's all doomed to fail. Thoughts... please!
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I guess the short way to put it is that the things you most desperately wish for will always stay beyond your reach. But how could I not desperately want to be able to provide for myself and have a loving relationship in my life??
RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I guess the short way to put it is that the things you most desperately wish for will always stay beyond your reach. But how could I not desperately want to be able to provide for myself and have a loving relationship in my life?? I don't know if I can help much sadly as I'm stuck in a similar place myself. I too have read countless self-help books, articles online and watched numerous self help videos on youtube. And although a lot of them offer helpful advice and give me comfort for a short time it never seems to last. However, there was a time in my life when I was much more emotionally stable and able to enjoy life. Sure I was lonely and often longed for a loving relationship (someone to love me for who I was and someone that I loved), but before I loved and lost I was stable at least. I was my own best friend and I loved myself, I valued myself (at least enough to give me the inner strength and motivation I needed to get on with life and pursue my dreams and goals). And that could be the most devastating loss after my break up as I am now my own worst enemy and instead of loving myself I continuously punish myself and devalue myself. But that happy time in my life, when I was my own friend, when I valued myself and was able to enjoy things is the point in my life to which I am trying to return. I don't know if you had a similar point in your life? I can relate to many of the problems that hinder you, as they hinder me also (depression, social phobia, obsessive love disorder, love addiction, anxiety, obsessive thinking etc). Sorry I can't offer much constructive advice, but maybe we can help each other through our problems? Exchanging any ideas that we find helpful and just generally being supportive to each other? I know we've been doing a lot of that already, but I would love it if we could continue to be friends on here and help each other out through this dark time? I promise to try and dampen my negativity a little. I know its been really overwhelming lately.
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Ruined : nope, can't say I ever really loved myself, and that I ever was really happy - except when I was a child, I guess. I have had happy moments and moments when I loved myself though, of course. I don't hate life, I actually love life and all it has to offer. I just hate my life. Well, not all of it, by far. But some aspects of it I just feel I can't deal with anymore. I have a lot in my life to be grateful for, family, friends, pets, health, lots of things I'm passionate about such as making music or ballet training... But none of these things are enough to make me happy. People will tell you that you need to make yourself happy blah blah blah, but it's just human to want (and even need) someone to share your life with. I don't think I'm a freak because I feel like a great deal of what brought happiness into my life has been taken away from me now that me and my love aren't together. This is totally off-topic by the way, lol, and I should be back to my point which is try and gather opinions about how can you go after something without risking to be crushed if you don't get it. Or something to that effect.
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 ... I can relate to many of the problems that hinder you, as they hinder me also (depression, social phobia, obsessive love disorder, love addiction, anxiety, obsessive thinking etc). Sorry I can't offer much constructive advice, but maybe we can help each other through our problems? Exchanging any ideas that we find helpful and just generally being supportive to each other? I know we've been doing a lot of that already, but I would love it if we could continue to be friends on here and help each other out through this dark time? I promise to try and dampen my negativity a little. I know its been really overwhelming lately. This is so sweet of you to say! In my mind I'd already deemed you my "breakup buddy" because we're in such similar places and I can relate to so much of what you're going through. I'd actually started to worry about if I was posting too much on your threads and getting annoying. Thank you so much for offering your support, I will gladly take it and try to offer any that I might have to give!
Cee Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't know how bad your career problems are, but I have several mental health issues (most serious bipolar) and I couldn't hold a job for very long. Sometimes I'd quit or I'd land in the mental hospital. At a certain point, I thought I was unemployable and should go on disability. But my disability benefit is so low ($800 US per month), I would be in poverty. I applied the simple concept of "structure" and it worked. I went to work every day no matter how miserable I was. I finally learned that doing work made me feel better and I became happy. I have no ambition to be top of my field. I am happy to be a valued employee at a mid-level job. Since I've been gainfully employed, I took on new projects such as building a social life. In the past 5 years, I have developed a circle of deep friendships. And once I had a stable job and many friends, then I went into the dating world. I was finally healthy and I eventually met a loving man. It's a very long road to self-actualization. But try to keep it simple. Only make the improvements that really matter to you and ignore what society says you "should" do. And try to be happy with what you have right now. You only have today. There is no tomorrow.
RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 So its settled then. We'll be break up buddies! Now to find helpful ideas... thats the tricky part... But if I do find anything I'll be sure to let you know I guess I've never truly loved myself either, although I don't know really know what truly loving yourself means. I've always felt like an outsider and was bullied a lot at school so that always put a dent in my self esteem and made it difficult for me to interact with others in a positive way. When I say there was a time when "I loved myself" I guess what I really mean is there was a time when I didn't hate myself. I don't know its hard to remember what I felt like before I loved and lost I guess. It was a time of innocence. A time when I couldn't imagine the pain heartbreak would bring. "I don't hate life, I actually love life and all it has to offer. I just hate my life. Well, not all of it, by far. But some aspects of it I just feel I can't deal with anymore." Yes I can completely relate to this. I too can see great potential in life to learn, love and explore. But I just feel I am incapable for getting those positive things out of life, especially now in my depressed state. "I don't think I'm a freak because I feel like a great deal of what brought happiness into my life has been taken away from me now that me and my love aren't together." I completely agree with you here too. I feel like having someone to share your life with can bring so much happiness into your life, and hopefully make you feel special and secure if its the right person. This video helped me a little in seeing the importance of having self-love first. I won't lie I was skeptical when I first watched it and I still am a little. Also the women in the video is over-the-top enthusiastic and displays hippy-esk qualities. But the overall message rings true. She uses "roses" as a metaphor for love. And explains how we instinctively seek out roses (love) to fill an empty void inside us. That instead of growing our own roses (love) inside our self (i.e. loving ourselves) we seek out love from others which doesn't last. She then explains that when you learn to love yourself first (grow your own roses)... you become free to appreciate love from others without needing that love to fill an empty void inside yourself, as that void is already filled with your own self-love. I know its another "self help" video with advice that is easier listened to then implemented. But I think it is an important message. Sorry if I've made it sound complicated, to summarize the message is simply this- "Love yourself first and then you can appreciate the love you receive from others and have it add to your life, but you won't need the love of others to sustain your happiness."
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Also the women in the video is over-the-top enthusiastic and displays hippy-esk qualities. lol, I totally get that you would hold that against her ^^ Off to watch that video now.
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) lol, I'm half way through the video, all of what she's saying rings totally true but the fact that she's so young and pretty and over the top, she seems to me like she's right out of a Woody Allen film ^^ Edit : I'm having serious hair envy -_- Edited June 11, 2011 by Karala hair envy
RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 lol, I'm half way through the video, all of what she's saying rings totally true but the fact that she's so young and pretty and over the top, she seems to me like she's right out of a Woody Allen film ^^ Edit : I'm having serious hair envy -_- Yeah she is sickeningly beautiful and annoyingly upbeat, if only her message was like a magic spell that transformed us all into pretty happy go lucky types like her..
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 She has good points though! I watched several of her videos and she's all going about universal love and being happy now and I was just like "yeah, right. I want your hair". ^^
RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 She has good points though! I watched several of her videos and she's all going about universal love and being happy now and I was just like "yeah, right. I want your hair". ^^ Mmm.. yeah she has got good hair. I'm sure your hair isn't that bad though. Mine is because I have neglected it a lot since my break up I know, bad times. Just doesn't seem to be any point now.
Author Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I'm the same, I find myself not caring a wit about my appearance, going no make-up etc, and that is SO not like me. My hair is long and not that bad, just really fine and straight and for some reason I've always wanted wavy hair. I'm obsessed about my hair and about long hair. Don't even get me started on hair, lol.
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