Men - Is feeling appreciated the most important thing to you in a marriage?

[vsmini]

Just watched a few clips on youtube of studies on why men cheat. Many said overwhelming numbers of men said the main reason they strayed was because they did not feel loved or appreciated for their contribution at home. Affection from their wife was on the slide.

 

So - This is NOT a thread about why men do or do not cheat but rather - is it safe to say that feeling appreciated is what is most important for a man?

 

I have to say...as a woman...it's pretty much at the top of my list too.

[Mz. Pixie]

Emotional needs are different for everyone but I would say that from what I have read that is true.

 

That is why it is so important to read about emotional needs and know what your partners are- and your partner should know yours-and set about trying to meet them.

[carhill]

I didn't mind not being appreciated, like 'attaboy' for doing the dishes, et al. It was the emotional abandonment, the lack of simple affection or reciprocation of same, which drove the love out of me. Combine that with Hoover in-laws and my love bank ran dry completely and irretrievably. I must say those flashbacks are the most persistent and pervasive and consistently impel me to disconnect people who show signs of those behavioral styles. Ain't going back to that place ever again.

[Entropy3000]

1) Sexual Fullfillment

 

2) Admiration / Respect

 

3) Affection

 

4) Companionship

 

5) Attractive Spouse

 

These are my top five. If #1 is not there the other really do not matter much. In reality after number one the other sneeds to be there and the rank varies over time for me.

 

HNHN -- His Needs Her Needs

Edited June 11, 2011 by Entropy3000

[giotto]

I didn't mind not being appreciated, like 'attaboy' for doing the dishes, et al. It was the emotional abandonment, the lack of simple affection or reciprocation of same, which drove the love out of me.

 

Same here... I like to be appreciated for who I am, not for helping at home.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

hit the nail on the head.

 

Of course I expect to offer the same for my spouse and work on that all the time. Of course as we have read over and over on LS #1 on Entropy3000's list can be easily removed from many a woman's list.

 

Being sexist I think #1 would be replaced by financial security......

[participation]

Being appreciated for the things I do is one thing. But more important is appreciated in the sense of feeling needed and wanted. It's recognition of my worth as a unique and beautiful person. Lack of appreciation will kill a marriage. By not feeling appreciated, I feel unloved; unwanted. This is a very painful thing. The pain causes hurt and the hurt leads to hatred. I do not want to be around someone that hurts me. So, I avoid the person and ultimately leave the hurtful situation.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

That sounds more like an excuse than a reason, and a way to put the blame for their own behavior elsewhere. People who claim to betray their spouse because their spouse didn't appreciate them enough are often found to be bottomless pits of admiration needs which could never be filled by one person. That's why they seek out two or more. They think they 'deserve' it.

[scaredandalone1223]

I agree. Don't get me wrong sexual fulfillment is also very important to men too. My husband has always said when he hears of others cheating it is usually because a man goes looking for what he is not getting at home.

 

There was not an affair on either side but we came very close to divorce last year. One of my husband's major complaints was I put 'the urgent over the important'. What that means is I would let what we needed to get done, where we needed to go, what we should be doing take presidency over our relationship. He has always been such a great provider but I often failed to acknowledge how hard he was working to make sure the bills were paid instead I was trying to find more ways to spend the money.

 

It's the little things that count. You don't need to say you appreciate them you need to show them! As a SAHM I usually never got up @ 6 w/ my husband unless it was during school and I would get up only to get the kids ready. Now I get up a little earlier and make his coffee, get his vitamins out for the day, make his breakfast, even at times when it's just a bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit and hand him either a wrapped sandwich or some leftovers for lunch as he's walking out the door. Doesn't take a whole lot of energy on my part but it shows I appreciate him going to work. I have supper done most nights when he gets home or within an hour of him arriving. If it's something that requires slicing veggies he'll often sit down at the counter and pick up a knife and do that part for me. Sure I say thanks but he's doing it to show he appreciates I'm taking care of him. When I go grocery shopping I pick up something I know he really likes that we don't get often. I try not to ask for help with household chores because being a SAHM to 2 school age children I feel they are my job. But when I'm busy and he moves a load of clothes to the dryer or puts the sheets on the bed because I made a big, delicious supper it shows me he appreciates what I'm doing.

 

This in turn makes sex come easy (not that it has ever been a problem even during our worst times). If emotional needs are met, sexual ones follow. If only sexual needs are met the emotional ones may not follow, so yes I do believe emotional needs ESPECIALLY SHOWING APPRECIATION is one of, if not the number 1 thing, men desire. Whether they verbalize it the way my husband did or not is a whole other thread!

[Entropy3000]

hit the nail on the head.

 

Of course I expect to offer the same for my spouse and work on that all the time. Of course as we have read over and over on LS #1 on Entropy3000's list can be easily removed from many a woman's list.

 

Being sexist I think #1 would be replaced by financial security......

 

Since I am a man #1 is Sexual Fullfilment. The following are typical for women:

 

1. Affection 2. Conversation

3. Honesty and openness

4. Financial support

5. Family commitment

[shadowofman]

Anal. Definitely anal.

[Radagast]

I didn't mind not being appreciated, like 'attaboy' for doing the dishes, et al. It was the emotional abandonment, the lack of simple affection or reciprocation of same, which drove the love out of me.

 

Coupled with a complete inability to understand that I could have a view distinct and different from her own, the above sums it up well for me, too.

[Just A Joe]

Wow Scaredandalone. Do you have a sister? Really!

 

Yep, I have some years on me and soon-to-be dissolved marriage almost went two decades. That's a long time.

 

Men certainly enjoy appreciate- be it a hand on the shoulder, a kind word, a wink, something special in the bedroom, or just regular sex (meaning on a regular schedule, but not necessarily scheduled).

 

Any guy likes hear compliments or thanks or words of appreciation from his woman. If he doles those out and does more than his share (or at least his share) around the house, the yard, on the cars, with the kids, etc., then he deserves it. If he's not getting that, you can bet your last dollar that he will be looking elsewhere soon.

 

Believe me ladies. I waited five years and didn't see it and I have a foot out the door and an appointment with a high dollar attorney. See my posts.

[Woggle]

Very much so. When I know it will be appreciated I will go to the moon and back for a woman.

[crazycatlady]

While being appreciated had nothing to do with my husband's cheating (that was his selfishness and situation avoidance coming to play, and in his words, it was the worse side of him coming out and she was feeding it and he was feeding hers) but during the time that we came closest to splitting up was lack of appreciation for each one of us. Me not appreciating all he did for us (working while I didn't etc) and him not appreciating all I did for us (all housework, child care, bills, etc everything but bringing in money, and I mean everything, he did no help). And both of us were so intent on getting our own hurt feelings across we didn't hear the other.

 

And lack of appreciation meant lack of sexual interest for me, and lack of him wanting to go the extra mile to help me get off sexually which killed that (it was still fairly regularly). So appreciation is a key point.