fooled once Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives? What did they tell you? Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex? I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you. BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons? Men use any excuse to cheat. I highly doubt the majority of them have miserable sexless marriages like they claim. I know many OW refuse to believe that, believing that this guy is being truthful with them, not with the wife I heard the lack of communication, lack of love excuse. If these men were so unhappy and miserable, they would divorce. But the majority of them don't divorce (notice I said MAJORITY, not all) Rarely does a MM leave his wife/family for the mistress. If the MM does leave, we have seen on here from several people that it isn't all that great to have the guy fulltime. Lots of trust issues, and some even say they can see why the wife got sick of him and threw him out And that's another thing; the few who do leave, leave because they are kicked out. Again, very few voluntarily leave and then have a happy life with the former mistress. (the above is just my opinion, not based on statistics).
Silly_Girl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Men use any excuse to cheat. FO, when you feel that way, how do you trust the man in your life, or your dad/brother/male friend? Do you think all men are the same? If the MM does leave, we have seen on here from several people that it isn't all that great to have the guy fulltime. Lots of trust issues, and some even say they can see why the wife got sick of him and threw him out And that's another thing; the few who do leave, leave because they are kicked out. Again, very few voluntarily leave and then have a happy life with the former mistress. (the above is just my opinion, not based on statistics). They only leave when kicked out? Utter tosh! They leave when being begged to stay sometimes. 3 men in my life (across 2 generations) easily had the chance to go back, and 2 of them would have been returning to little in the way of consequences/fallout. They chose to go.
fooled once Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 FO, when you feel that way, how do you trust the man in your life, or your dad/brother/male friend? Do you think all men are the same? They only leave when kicked out? Utter tosh! They leave when being begged to stay sometimes. 3 men in my life (across 2 generations) easily had the chance to go back, and 2 of them would have been returning to little in the way of consequences/fallout. They chose to go. Silly, not sure where you got the impression that I believe all men are the same *shrug* I trust the men in my life because they are above cheating. My father has never cheated on my mom (and yes, I know this for a fact); my son hasn't cheated on girlfriends, and again, I know this for a fact. And my husband has never cheated on anyone -- girlfriend or his former wife nor me, and yep, fact again. They have different morals and ethics than men who cheat. Men who cheat, imho, are cowards and selfish people. Their concern is their needs and have no respect for their wife nor their mistress. My dad, son and husband all respect the women in their life and in the case of my dad and my husband (including my ex husband) honor their vows to not betray their spouse. It really isn't that hard to do. I mean, there are millions of people who aren't into infidelity or cheating. It doesn't require extra schooling to learn how to be faithful nor does it require a certification or a degree. Its just part of who they are. *shrug* whatever utter tosh means. I never said they ONLY leave when kicked out. Yeah, sure they leave when being begged to stay Sure they are telling the truth to the mistress about that. Only time will tell if a cheater stays with his mistress LONG TERM. Sure, some get married. Sure some make it work; but IMHO, the majority of those relationships don't make it long term. When your MM divorces and makes the decision to commit to you, come back and tell us how things are going after 10 years of marriage. I personally only know of one marriage where the couple ended up together successfully after their affair - and they just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary. They do regret how they got together, albeit they both had started separation plans before they met in person.
Anna101 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives? What did they tell you? Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex? I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you. BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons? Lack of affection, lack of sex (not because he wanted SEX as such, but because it felt like a rejection). He felt unloved. Both of them are non 'talkers' and so didn't discuss anything enough, or when it was discussed, it was forgotten and they fell back into the same patterns. I am naturally more affectionate and more into sex, and so it was definitely the attention thing at the beginning.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 There's no way you could possibly know this "for a fact." You MAY believe yourself to be such a keen judge of character that somehow you know your dad could "never" cheat, ever, but a lot of other people have thought that sort of thing and been wrong about it. ...and again, you don't "know" and again, it's not a "fact." The only "fact" is that you are so arrogantly sure of yourself that you are MORE likely to be cheated on than someone who is more grounded in reality. And this isn't a fact. It only appears to be a wish.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 It's an absolute fact that people who are in total denial are much more likely to end up blind-sided by unpleasant reality. Such as yourself. I'm sure you NEVER thought your husband was capable of cheating on you...until he did. And here you still are...10,000+ posts later, and counting... Blind sided yes. Most of my life had unpleasant realities. I am a black woman in the south. And yes I plan to stay here....counting which I would wager that in the morning your won't be after reading you few posts. Cheerio.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Why not just admit you were wrong, and got called on it, rather than bringing racial issues into it (WTF???) Not only am I not wrong...I stand by the fact that life is full of unpleasant realities, including being a black woman in the south. Being born with something outside of the norm. Being raped. Being poor and homeless. These are unpleasant aspects of life. Some I have experienced, some I have not. You need to be right go ahead. Won't change anything for me or anyone else on this board.
TinaniT Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) He said the marriage was dead, that they were incredibly different people (he gave me some specifics though I misunderstood some at the time, weird mindset then), she had depression she refused to get treated for and it had worn on them and that much of the failure of the marriage was his fault, they hadn't had sex in years. He had asked her to divorce him a year before, said that he couldn't do it; He told me he was a coward. Very soon after we met, he proceeded with what he should have done before. Everything he told me was the truth. That's why he stepped out, as he thought it at the time. Not that any of it is an excuse but how it was. I cheated because my ex was abusive and held my fears over me against leaving when I tried before. I wanted something. I was very open to something (though not "looking") when I met my husband. Why we were drawn together? We are a good match. Though there was also more that allowed us to get into the situation before either of us had any business being involved with anyone else, and all that would be too long to write about. That both were willing to get involved with married partners, likewise. I'm sure we both realized quickly those attributes in the other in the initial tiptoe before friendship became affair. Edited June 12, 2011 by TinaniT
Silly_Girl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 *shrug* whatever utter tosh means. I never said they ONLY leave when kicked out. Yeah, sure they leave when being begged to stay Sure they are telling the truth to the mistress about that. Who said anything about 'telling the mistress', one of these is the betrayed wife who I'm related to, and one is the betrayed wife I've been friends with for 18 years. So are you saying that WS would not leave a marriage they are being begged to re-commit to? I couldn't tell from the tone.
Silly_Girl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 The only "fact" is that you are so arrogantly sure of yourself that you are MORE likely to be cheated on than someone who is more grounded in reality. Any form of denial leaves one more vulnerable. I don't know about more likely to be cheated on, but perhaps more likely not to notice it because the premise is 'it could never, ever happen to me'.
bentnotbroken Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 It's not an unpleasant reality to be black or a woman or from the south or all three. If you feel that way, go get some counseling. Also none of those three things have anything to do with the issues at hand. Of course some people have a need to make their issues be "the" issues in any discussion. You are right. Now doesn't fulfill your neediness for today.
OWoman Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Yeah, sure they leave when being begged to stay Sure they are telling the truth to the mistress about that. While I've never been a mistress so can't comment on what they're told, I do know that my H's xW did beg him to stay. I've seen her begging emails, read her begging letters, witnessed the begging phone calls. Only time will tell if a cheater stays with his mistress LONG TERM. Sure, some get married. Sure some make it work; but IMHO, the majority of those relationships don't make it long term. When your MM divorces and makes the decision to commit to you, come back and tell us how things are going after 10 years of marriage. I personally only know of one marriage where the couple ended up together successfully after their affair - and they just celebrated their 5th wedding anniversary. They do regret how they got together, albeit they both had started separation plans before they met in person. I know of several couples. My father and his W are going on for 25 years. A colleague and his W have been together more than 30. My H's mother and stepfather recently celebrated their 50th. There are plenty of fAP couples around in long term Ms - but I guess they only disclose that information to people who they can trust as open minded enough to respond maturely to that information.
fooled once Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 There is nothing wrong with his relationship, and he did, and probably does, love you. 2 people connect, and fall in love. Societies view of love is too one dimensional. Not every MM is a bastard on the take, and not every OW wants to have him forever, or marry him, or " score" over the wife. Doesn't mean we don't grieve when we give in to the hypocritical dictates of modern society, and let them go. My ex had an affair with a close friend of mine, and the thing that kept me awake at night, was imagining them discussing all the private things that I had told both of them. So I suppose, being new to this affair stuff, the warning signals for me would be when a man starts disding his wife. To me, that shows dishonor. This may go against popular opinion here, but his wife is none of your bussiness. We don't own people, or their thoughts, desires , wishes or emotions. Honesty is a privilege that us earnt , not a right. I'm confused .. if he talks about his wife, he is showing dishonor? Not that he is screwing another woman? Affairs are built on lies and dishonesty. Why the heck to do many OW throw up the "we don't own anyone" line? Do OW really believe that or do they just say that because they know that THEY don't own the MM? What is meant by owning? As in "he is mine"? Well, my H IS MY husband. My son IS MY son. My H also has his own mind and his own heart. I just don't get this whole owning stuff. Lastly, people don't accidentally fall in love OR start an affair. Both are conscious choices. You dont fall in love without knowing the person. You may fall in lust, but no love. It is an excuse /justification to say it just happened.
wheelwright Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I'm confused .. if he talks about his wife, he is showing dishonor? Not that he is screwing another woman? Affairs are built on lies and dishonesty. Why the heck to do many OW throw up the "we don't own anyone" line? Do OW really believe that or do they just say that because they know that THEY don't own the MM? What is meant by owning? As in "he is mine"? Well, my H IS MY husband. My son IS MY son. My H also has his own mind and his own heart. I just don't get this whole owning stuff. Lastly, people don't accidentally fall in love OR start an affair. Both are conscious choices. You dont fall in love without knowing the person. You may fall in lust, but no love. It is an excuse /justification to say it just happened. Hi FO I sense some anguish in this post. Partly because you don't believe what some OW tell you. It is possible to fall in love when you didn't mean to in a way. You can't help it. It is huge and very upsetting when it happens in the wrong circumstances. And still retains its inherant beauty. You do have to be open, but you can't help being open. The head does not rule the heart, even if it does rule actions. I am comfortable thinking that heart and soul may steer us sometimes, even if that leads us into difficult emotional conflict. The head can do the same -marrying the wrong person for instance. I don't own anyone - whether M ot not. I find it hard to imagine anyone who thinks of Rs in terms of ownership. Even my children are not mine - they are in my safe-keeping yes, and I love them hugely. But they are themselves first. There is no ownership over another.
tami-chan Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives? What did they tell you? Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex? I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you. BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons? He strayed on his wife (now x) because they were unhappy and have gotten to the point where they quit working on their marriage. Divorce was an eventual reality.
gerib38 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 In my case , she was disabled and could not be intimate with him , they sought many doctors to find what was wrong and could not find any answers, he said not only was there no sex but no touching talking or anything else, they lead seaperate lives, he was truly in love with her at one time, but it just made them grow apart , it may have been different if they had been married a long time .. but it had only been a few yrs and they only dated breifly before they got married , i guess what im saying is there was not alot of years invested in his marriage or maybe he/they would have tried harder ... i dont know.. he said he felt like he was just her roomate.
ladydesigner Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My H cheated because of lack of affection and sex. He is like a bottomless pit that needs constant attention. It gets old after awhile having to constantly give attention, almost like having another child lol. Anyways we had kids, life got hectic and chaotic, we weren't connecting as much as we had before kids, you know the drill... We were having sex 2x a week, but it wasn't apparently enough. Now my H realizes how childish he reacted in that it was all about him:rolleyes: My XOM was drawn to me because he thought "I was hot":laugh: I really think that was about it. We laughed a lot and had a great friendship and underlying chemistry too.
Got it Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives? What did they tell you? Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex? I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you. BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons? Well the reason for being drawn to me and straying on his wife are two totally separate reasons. Straying on his wife - I guess the same cliched lines, was done with the marriage, in it for the kids, had an exit plan in place but taking care of financials. Had found out about her affair a few years prior and never really mended from that, she refused therapy, etc. Wanted more in a marriage but didn't want to hurt the kids. Yes, lack of affection and sex. They had sex on a pretty quarterly basis. Drawn to me - well because of me! I think my independence, my fiery nature, my love of life.
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