OW- why do you think the MM were drawn to you.

[vsmini]

What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives?

What did they tell you?

Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex?

 

I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you.

 

BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons?

[vsmini]

OK - let me rephrase it: Why do you think the MM left the marriage? Not what is it about you specifically that made him want you.

 

Kind of like - he told me he didn't feel appreciated at home and I could give him that.

[bittersweet memories]

Why do I think MM is drawn to me..

Lots of reasons really.. I think number one is our similarities they are just off the chart.

 

two would be my sexuality and openness about it. He says I exude sexuality and we we were talking about jobs

 

next I would say my craziness/uniqueness he often tells me I am crazy with a smilely face and says crazy is fun !!

 

And lastly I would say acceptence. I love him him how he is, he just finished a bachelors degree but wants to complete another one he is more interested in. I say go for it because it is his interest he is amazed that I say that and SO appreciate that I understand his passion. I say go for it, if that is what he wants, to bad nobody else seems to give him that support !!:love:

 

Thats not what she is asking...

[vsmini]

Thats not what she is asking...

 

Yea - it's not really a thread where people are being asked "so what about you was so amazing?"

 

I should have phrased that better in the OP

[Gentlegirl]

Totally about lack of affection, closeness, feeling wanted and useful, just being loved because he was himself.

 

He had been married for 48 years and I guess they were just sick of each other.

 

Gentlegirl

[turnstone]

My exH strayed because I believe he's a sex addict. He's a lot of other things as well, but this seems pretty high up the list.

 

We had sex, a lot of it, and I thought it was amazing, but it didn't stop him from seeking out OW - lots of them - and having sex with them too. When D Day came around he couldn't have been more repentant, and I believe that in his own way, he did love me and was devastated that I left him. But it doesn't matter how great I was for him, or how much he loved me, sex with one woman would never be enough for him. Infact sex with two or three or four wasn't enough either as it turned out!

[vsmini]

My exH strayed because I believe he's a sex addict. He's a lot of other things as well, but this seems pretty high up the list.

 

We had sex, a lot of it, and I thought it was amazing, but it didn't stop him from seeking out OW - lots of them - and having sex with them too. When D Day came around he couldn't have been more repentant, and I believe that in his own way, he did love me and was devastated that I left him. But it doesn't matter how great I was for him, or how much he loved me, sex with one woman would never be enough for him. Infact sex with two or three or four wasn't enough either as it turned out!

 

The sex addict. Ironically they sleep and have "been" with more women/men than most but are probably the loneliest people on the planet.

[Scarlett77]

Hello Ladies,

 

I am new here( have been lurking for awhile).

In regards to the question, my MM has never, ever spoke about his wife to me. I actually respect him immensely for this, if he spoke against her, I would loose respect for him. My impression is that he loves his wife

very much, and I am something that happened out of the blue. He did say after our first night together, that he felt strange going home, as home was normally such a happy place for him. I immediately felt guilty and broke it off, he pursued it though. It has been 2 years scince then, and I have asked him why he is doing this, all he can say is" I don't know"

BTW, I have never wanted him to leave his family, I know the devastation that would cause, to which end I broke it off finally last week. I would like to know about why he had the affair, but feel his relationship with his wife is none of my bussiness( I'm sure I'll get some heated replies to that)

 

And yes, I am grieving over the loss of him.

[Hazyhead]

Good question, vismini. Like with most it was probably a mixture of factors: bored with his routine life; the thrill of something illicit; a way to get away from responsibilities for a bit. What I learned much later into the A was that I was not his first - he'd had classic seven year itches throughout his relationship with his wife. I don't if even he will ever know the true reason. I think it is also to do with his insecurities as an A is a way to get such a huge amount of validation.

[MissBee]

He wasn't married...

 

But he never said why he stepped out on her. He said he loved her and that he loved me too and his love for her had nothing to with his love for me.Now that I think of it, I was really foolish as he told me specifically he didn't talk about his relationship to anyone, me included and he NEVER really said anything about it. He never complained or disrespected her, which I suppose is good in some ways, I suppose if anything is noble in the whole thing is that he never belittled her, blamed her and more or less protected her privacy in the whole thing . I asked once how is the relationship and he told me that "It's like any other, it has it's ups and downs" . That knocked the wind out of me as I was expecting him to complain or to give me a logical reason as to why he was stepping out...but he casually said nothing was wrong with it. On other occasions he said it wasn't perfect but no relationship is, so nothing he said about it was anything dramatic that told me why.

 

He told me that he never expected to fall in love with me and it shocked him when it happened as he was not looking for that. But yea....if I could interview him now, I'd question him about why he stepped outside his relationship as while we were together for those 2 years or so he never said anything significant.

[Scarlett77]

There is nothing wrong with his relationship, and he did, and probably does, love you.

 

2 people connect, and fall in love. Societies view of love is too one dimensional.

Not every MM is a bastard on the take, and not every OW wants to have him forever, or marry him, or " score" over the wife.

 

Doesn't mean we don't grieve when we give in to the hypocritical dictates of modern society, and let them go.

 

My ex had an affair with a close friend of mine, and the thing that kept me awake at night, was imagining them discussing all the private things that I had told both of them. So I suppose, being new to this affair stuff, the warning signals for me would be when a man starts disding his wife. To me, that shows dishonor.

 

This may go against popular opinion here, but his wife is none of your bussiness. We don't own people, or their thoughts, desires , wishes or emotions. Honesty is a privilege that us earnt , not a right.

[woinlove]

There is nothing wrong with his relationship, and he did, and probably does, love you.

 

2 people connect, and fall in love. Societies view of love is too one dimensional.

Not every MM is a bastard on the take, and not every OW wants to have him forever, or marry him, or " score" over the wife.

 

Doesn't mean we don't grieve when we give in to the hypocritical dictates of modern society, and let them go.

 

My ex had an affair with a close friend of mine, and the thing that kept me awake at night, was imagining them discussing all the private things that I had told both of them. So I suppose, being new to this affair stuff, the warning signals for me would be when a man starts disding his wife. To me, that shows dishonor.

 

This may go against popular opinion here, but his wife is none of your bussiness. We don't own people, or their thoughts, desires , wishes or emotions. Honesty is a privilege that us earnt , not a right.

 

I'm in an open M, so I know about dictates of society. However, in my opinion, being honest and not deceiving one you love and share your life with about what kind of life you are actually sharing is NOT a dictate of society. Most caring people care about deceiving those they love because of their own values and their ability to care for others. It is not just society. Of course, some people just aren't very honest and never will be. Some lie easily and don't care.

 

I like to be open and honest with those close to me and would detest the alternative. I feel it is my right to choose to be honest. I don't have to earn that right, it is a right I have. Don't let anyone take that right away from you or convince you it is a privilege to allow you to be honest.

[TurboGirl]

Have you READ any of the threads here?

 

The answers you seek are written about many many times in different threads.

 

Why are you asking this question? Are you a BS or a therapist!?

[bentnotbroken]

What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives?

What did they tell you?

Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex?

 

I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you.

 

BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons?

 

 

Mr. Messy gave me plenty of reasons/excuses

*He wasn't appreciated

*He thought I wouldn't find out

*He felt lonely

*It just happened

*She was my friend and her husband is a douche:rolleyes:

*yadda yadda yadda

 

The funny thing about all that is I felt the same way about a number of things, including my husband was a douche. With counseling I now understand it was never me and I could never do enough or do it right. He is a diagnosed NPD and that is all I needed to understand to move on with my life.

 

There are always going to be issues in a relationship and certainly in marriages. Looking for a reason to cheat can be the same reason that is used to fix the marriage or divorce instead of betrayal.

[Silly_Girl]

What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives?

What did they tell you?

Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex?

 

I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you.

 

BS's - your input is also valued. When your husband or ex was caught/confessed/etc....did he give you any reasons?

 

Wasn't sure from your post whether you were asking

 

"What did he perceive to be so bad about the marriage that meant he justified the cheating?"

 

Or

 

"What was it about the two of you that meant enough to him to want to cheat?"

 

maybe it can be either, or a mixture.

[Cabin]

What is the number 1 reason you think the MM is straying on their wives?

What did they tell you?

Did these men mention lack of affection? Appreciation? Sex?

 

I'm curious to know what they were unhappy with in their marriages when they came to you.

 

In my case, neither myself or MM were "looking" for someone else... it was just a case of "holy cow! lovestruck!" when we met.

 

Since then, he's said that he didn't know what he didn't have in his marriage until he knew... (and this was my experience as well.)

 

He said his wife was a mother, and a fine one at that, but not much of a partner/friend to him. He didn't realize until after we met and started our relationship that he wanted a partner to talk with, confide in, open up to, and be himself with.

 

I do not believe he wanted to be with me just for sexual variety - which people are quick to assume when MM cheat - instead I think it was for the emotional intimacy created through sex. He does appreciate having a lover who will talk about sex openly as his wife simply will not.

 

He also said his wife is an introvert, shy, doesn't drink, doesn't have any of her own friends and just sort of lives in his shadow, and he's such a gregarious outgoing guy that he would like the company of a woman who likes to laugh, socialize, go out and enjoy life a little more. In every way, I am the antithesis of his wife.

 

So to answer the question, I guess his number one reason would be "unmet emotional needs".

 

Actually, he and I read this book "When Good People Have Affairs": http://telling-secrets.blogspot.com/2008/06/when-good-people-have-affairs.html

 

and we each selected our top three reasons why we thought we began our relationship.

 

His were:

-Unmet needs

-Breaking through into selfhood

-Trading up

[carhill]

I don't have any experience with MM's, but can provide the MW side of the coin. Most, if not all, who have approached me have done so due to emotional isolation. Some have been abused, but it's not prevalent. It's mainly the classic 'he works all the time and doesn't listen to me'.

 

I've learned to assign a 50% modifier to everything I hear. In some cases, I've known the husbands and can concur with the isolation part, but the men IMO are pretty normal in their behaviors, affection, etc, compared to most men I know.

 

There have been a small number with psychological issues and/or addictions (alcoholism seems to be #1) and it's hard to discern whether the issue caused the problems in their M or their M incited the addiction. Regardless, the 'stuff' came along with them.

 

As opposed to a wonderful person to love, my take away has been that they rather see myself as a safe haven for their 'stuff', and one they can easily leave behind when finished. Perhaps, much like some MM's use OW's for vaginal sex, these MW's use me for 'mind sex' and view me more as a receptacle than a person.

 

Firmer boundaries have eliminated much of the longevity of such dynamics but I am still approached, usually with sex or sexual innuendo as the bait, as this is the classic way a woman attracts a man, much as 'charm' and 'assertiveness' is how men attract women.

 

People do what they do.

[Frogwife]

As a married woman having an affair, the reason I strayed was that my husband simply checked out of our marriage, preferring to play video games 40-50 hours per week. At the time, we had been married 2.5 years. I put up with it for 18 months - I couldn't force him to stop, it was something he needed to do on his own. Our sex life completely stopped. We have been married just over four years have had sex four time in the last two years.

 

However, during that time (the 18 months of video games), I just started developing a life without him - making new friends etc. (I'm an American who moved to France when we got married, so I was in a new country having to start my life completely over, dealing with a new country, new language, troubled marriage, etc.).

 

I met someone by chance, not looking for an affair, and we had a sexual relationship. That just opened up floodgates - both emotional and sexual - that had been shut for a couple of years and I couldn't stop. I have ended up having a series of short (often overlapping) flings over the last six months. The sex and excitement is addictive - I loved it - but I have decided to give my marriage another chance and cut out these men.

[Scarlett77]

I agree with what you are saying... But honesty takes courage, as you and I both know. What if your husband who is the most macho military guy you around is also a homosexual , a cross dresser? And you know it?

But it will chrusch him to expose it, if only to you. People don't automatically have to be honest in my book, I would love the world to be that way, but that also implies that the recipient of the honesty has the maturity to deal with it.

And as you and I both know, that maturity isn't often there. Sometimes the partner simply doesn't want to deal with the truth, whatever that is.

[woinlove]

I agree with what you are saying... But honesty takes courage, as you and I both know. What if your husband who is the most macho military guy you around is also a homosexual , a cross dresser? And you know it?

But it will chrusch him to expose it, if only to you. People don't automatically have to be honest in my book, I would love the world to be that way, but that also implies that the recipient of the honesty has the maturity to deal with it.

And as you and I both know, that maturity isn't often there. Sometimes the partner simply doesn't want to deal with the truth, whatever that is.

 

If partners have some mutual agreement to limit honesty, I would say that is between them. It is not something I would personally choose or participate in. In the example you raise, my own approach with a loved one would be to bring it out in the open between us and offer support and acceptance. I have never loved anyone who didn't benefit more from such open and honest love, compared to pretending to keep a secret while knowing.

 

I can't really relate to the idea of having a H/SO and feeling I have to decide what truth about me they have the maturity to know. I haven't viewed any of my partners that way - even when we weren't actually that mature! My impression is that often when people think like that, they really are just protecting themselves, not their partner. I think it is more common that people are dishonest because it serves their own needs.

[bentnotbroken]

If partners have some mutual agreement to limit honesty, I would say that is between them. It is not something I would personally choose or participate in. In the example you raise, my own approach with a loved one would be to bring it out in the open between us and offer support and acceptance. I have never loved anyone who didn't benefit more from such open and honest love, compared to pretending to keep a secret while knowing.

 

I can't really relate to the idea of having a H/SO and feeling I have to decide what truth about me they have the maturity to know. I haven't viewed any of my partners that way - even when we weren't actually that mature! My impression is that often when people think like that, they really are just protecting themselves, not their partner. I think it is more common that people are dishonest because it serves their own needs.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This. :bunny::bunny:

[spice4life]

If partners have some mutual agreement to limit honesty, I would say that is between them. It is not something I would personally choose or participate in. In the example you raise, my own approach with a loved one would be to bring it out in the open between us and offer support and acceptance. I have never loved anyone who didn't benefit more from such open and honest love, compared to pretending to keep a secret while knowing.

 

I can't really relate to the idea of having a H/SO and feeling I have to decide what truth about me they have the maturity to know. I haven't viewed any of my partners that way - even when we weren't actually that mature! My impression is that often when people think like that, they really are just protecting themselves, not their partner. I think it is more common that people are dishonest because it serves their own needs.

 

I agree that most are dishonest because it serves their own needs, but they may not be aware that they are doing so. Hense the lack of emotional maturity or a better explanation would be, lack of awareness of the motivation behind their actions. In my case, I didnt disclose certain information out of fear of abandonment and fear of hurting the other person. The reality was, they had a right to know and by not telling took away their ability to choose.

[spice4life]

To answer the opening post, mine was separated when we met and after they reconciled he never said a word about her. AND, I never asked. I think he was physically attracted to me from the start, we both were to each other, and it just took us by surprise the more we got to know one another.

[MissBee]

There is nothing wrong with his relationship, and he did, and probably does, love you.

 

2 people connect, and fall in love. Societies view of love is too one dimensional.

Not every MM is a bastard on the take, and not every OW wants to have him forever, or marry him, or " score" over the wife.

 

Doesn't mean we don't grieve when we give in to the hypocritical dictates of modern society, and let them go.

 

My ex had an affair with a close friend of mine, and the thing that kept me awake at night, was imagining them discussing all the private things that I had told both of them. So I suppose, being new to this affair stuff, the warning signals for me would be when a man starts disding his wife. To me, that shows dishonor.

 

This may go against popular opinion here, but his wife is none of your bussiness. We don't own people, or their thoughts, desires , wishes or emotions. Honesty is a privilege that us earnt , not a right.

 

I agree. I do believe he did love me.Even to this day, when all is said and done, and I'm older and wiser and have no interest in him like that anymore, I still can say I do have love for him and when we talk on the occasion he expresses the same sentiment.

 

I do believe that there is more to love than what society depicts and I do think that with that love comes integrity. I've said that while I am monogamist and am not "evolved enough" to practice polyamory, I respect those who make that their legitimate lifestyle because it allows for things to be forthright, for all parties involve to choose and it's an honest way of going about love.

 

I want a relationship where I can be transparent and truthful. Everyone reserves things just for themselves, but for the most part I want to know your soul and to be in the know about what's going on. I agree that the wife/gf is none of your business and that was what took me aback when he didn't discuss her in a personal way. I felt almost that it was my right to know about her and their relationship if he cared about me and we argued a lot about that. I remember one time I called him and she was by his house and picked up the phone....I didn't know it was her but figured.....our convo was brief and not affectionate like it normally was, then the next day in the middle of another convo he randomly said "By the way... last night that was Such-and-Such".

 

But yeaa all in all, I've learned that love triangles and other polygons are not for me but was glad to have experienced it to realize that and while I have many criticisms about what happened and while I don't see certain things in a positive light anymore, I do respect him for "standing on his own" in his affair and not dragging her name through the mud or making himself seem pitiful as though she was the one lacking so he was forced into it or some such.

[MissBee]

If partners have some mutual agreement to limit honesty, I would say that is between them. It is not something I would personally choose or participate in. In the example you raise, my own approach with a loved one would be to bring it out in the open between us and offer support and acceptance. I have never loved anyone who didn't benefit more from such open and honest love, compared to pretending to keep a secret while knowing.

 

I can't really relate to the idea of having a H/SO and feeling I have to decide what truth about me they have the maturity to know. I haven't viewed any of my partners that way - even when we weren't actually that mature! My impression is that often when people think like that, they really are just protecting themselves, not their partner. I think it is more common that people are dishonest because it serves their own needs.

 

Yepppps! Most times people lie to you, not to "protect you" but because they are scared of what being truthful will do to them and the repercussions it will have on their life.