Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Crash course on me: married more than 15 years, two special needs kids, wife with no time for me or the kids and no affection for five years. It's not there and will never be there. Tried EVERYTHING. I have been completely loyal and have worked hard to make it work. Question: After a separation (with the son & daughter), when would it be proper for me to date? I do NOT have anyone in mind. There is no target or destination, but I miss having a woman by my side, talking to women, the touch of a woman and sharing a bed. Not a monster, just a guy. Some friends say I'm a great father and a few have called me a saint. Not really a saint, but I'm no bad guy either. Never hit her (or anyone), never cheated and never considered it. But I am dying for affection. I can't get beyond this and just feel like my entire life is frozen until I can get away with kids and start anew. Any advice appreciated- esp from women (all ages).
ShatteredReality Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Take enough time to let the drama from the separation pass. You will experience a litany of emotional changes...you will need to take a moment to redefine who you are as a person as opposed to who you are with her...no one can give you an exact date - but if that's what you're looking for it's most likely going to be about a year. The reason is - it takes that long to extracate your life from hers and create a whole new one - the most important thing will be that you are able to be content with yourself and happy and that any woman you date is a wonderful addition to your life. It is entirely possible that those with an emotional involvement in all of this would never say you handled it correctly, so go with logic first, heart second.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You should definitely wait it out. You might not have that much luck at this point because not many women would be interested in getting involved with a guy that was still married. Even for just casual dating - you might find women really turned off by that. I know I wouldn't want to date a married guy. Give it some more time.
Author Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I can't begin to think about dating yet, but I can dream. No one in mind, but you're both right. Been through all the stages of grief. It has an extremely difficult road. We had a death in the extended family (my side) this last year and we had a brush with it in my immediate family. Those sort of things really open up your eyes. Life doesn't last forever. This is not a dress rehearsal. Think I'll become a monk for a year, or at least the better part of one, while I get back on my feet. I know the kids will feel better when the dust settles. Not sure what kind of woman would find anything in this situation even remotely attractive, but God bless her if she's out there.
ShatteredReality Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm a woman - just to clear that up. I saw that you had another post started. As far as the prospect of separation...the government or states usually offer help to single parents with children with special needs. Do the kids get SSI or anything like that? My sisters boy has a heart condition and qualifies for SSI even though he will most likely be able to work when he's older...so it kind of depends on which types of disabilities the kids have as to how much assistance you can get. I can jump to the other thread if it's more lucrative for you - let me know....or I can go away too if my advice isn't along the lines of what you're looking for - lol - either way!! I don't know how you can become a monk. I mean, I know what you're referring to...but you have needs. If your wife isn't willing to meet them then you need to tell her you're leaving and then begin to make plans to do so. I don't know if you're religious...but it's even in the Bible that a woman (or man) needs to care for her SOs sexual needs. As far as the love and other affection is concerned...like I said...you need to put your foot down and tell her you're drowning...if she won't fix this thing then it's time to make plans to move forward...your kids will learn all about how to love and be in a relationship from watching you...if you are miserable they will learn misery...if you are happy and loving they will learn that.
Author Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Figured as much Shattered. That handle sounds a little tragic and too close to home. This whole experience has changed my perspective on life, but has taught me what I don't want to be or become. I'll try to teach the same to my kids. They will probably never work and one may not make it through school. The future has a lot to hold, but it's beyond frightening at the same time. I worry about the kids way too much, but someone has to. Her parents, family and her friends have all jumped out of the scene. Her parents only live 90 minutes away and we've seen them once or twice in 15 years. Yeah. Same with her brother and sister. None of them respond to cell msgs or emails or FB, but they certainly seem to be having fun amongst themselves. I can at least count on my own friends and family. Not sure if that'll last much longer if I have to lean on them any heavier. Feel like a train wreck waitin to happen. My other therapist is questioning my sanity for enduring another day, but I can only afford to live with my parents right now and this would kill them. Literally. They're not strong enough.
ShatteredReality Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Being just the aunt of a child with a serious condition - and having two kids of my own to worry about nonstop - I completely understand the pain involved with worrying. However, I am not a parent of a child with special needs (nothing past ADHD anyway), so I know that I probably still cannot begin to comprehend the level of emotional turmoil you experience just when it comes to the children. I also know how difficult it can be to be the family that has to help out with these situations as well...and understand that predicament a lot. I had a boss who had two kids with CF. Life was not easy for him and his wife. They told him his daughter would not graduate highschool. It's simply heartbreaking. If I may ask their conditions? If you aren't comfortable answering that's fine. I would never advocate cheating - the heartache involved can be even more crippling than you imagine. I would say that making out some kind of plan is going to be necessary for you unless you want to remain unhappy forever. If there is any way to get your wife to turn around that would obviously be the best scenario to play out. However, if you cannot get her to come around and treat you properly you will need to at the very least discuss your options of a shared home separation. I personally could not live with my H if we split, but some find themselves in need of that situation....and it's the only way they can begin to move on. I guess I am basically saying more of what I said before - you need to tell her that you're ready to walk out the door and if she doesn't want that she needs to make some changes...NOW.
Author Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 The kids have different degrees of autism. Son is high functioning, but still high maintenance. He requires a daily regimen of medicine, sees several docs a month, has some spec ed involvement, but in gifted classes. He may make it to college. Daughter is complete opposite. While son is living in a non-reality world, we cannot see or begin to comprehend her world. She can communicate some with rough sign language. She may be in diapers for life. I don't see her going into main stream education ever. I work with her as much as possible on language skills, simple alphabet, numbers, but she's nowhere near it and cannot stay on task. It's much more than ADHD. I wish it was just that. She has been in speech therapy for years (with a team), but has made little progress. She had severe sensory issues early, as did my boy, but hers are worse. It affects her eating and she is a tiny thing bec she does not eat much. She refuses everything. Tried every game in the book, nutritionists. Docs said just feed her whatever she'll eat. She eats ice cream, yogurt, sometimes string cheese and small crackers. They both get major supplements, etc.
Jazzari Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I you need love and affection, then go out and find it. Now. I see no reason that you should have to struggle through these hardships alone.
ShatteredReality Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) The kids have different degrees of autism. Son is high functioning, but still high maintenance. He requires a daily regimen of medicine, sees several docs a month, has some spec ed involvement, but in gifted classes. He may make it to college. Daughter is complete opposite. While son is living in a non-reality world, we cannot see or begin to comprehend her world. She can communicate some with rough sign language. She may be in diapers for life. I don't see her going into main stream education ever. I work with her as much as possible on language skills, simple alphabet, numbers, but she's nowhere near it and cannot stay on task. It's much more than ADHD. I wish it was just that. She has been in speech therapy for years (with a team), but has made little progress. She had severe sensory issues early, as did my boy, but hers are worse. It affects her eating and she is a tiny thing bec she does not eat much. She refuses everything. Tried every game in the book, nutritionists. Docs said just feed her whatever she'll eat. She eats ice cream, yogurt, sometimes string cheese and small crackers. They both get major supplements, etc. My heart goes out to you. I have a few friends who have children with autism - only one child in each family. Actually a friend of mine has a daughter with severe depression - bi-polar I believe, and then one child with ADHD and her youngest has autism. He's not in diapers and can communicate fairly well, but he will never be able to care for himself alone. When I met them he was 4 but looked 7, which made things even more difficult for them b/c other people expected him to be much more advanced than he was...he finally aged to catch up to his size, though. Have you looked into the support groups available to parents like yourself? You should not be alone in this journey. I do have one question for you to try to understand your wife. Was she ever abused or anything when she was younger? And before the last five years or so, was she affectionate? So was this more of a change from before or was she always a bit unaffectionate and it's just gotten loads and loads worse? Edited June 11, 2011 by ShatteredReality sp
OliveOyl Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm a woman - just to clear that up. I saw that you had another post started. As far as the prospect of separation...the government or states usually offer help to single parents with children with special needs. Do the kids get SSI or anything like that? My sisters boy has a heart condition and qualifies for SSI even though he will most likely be able to work when he's older...so it kind of depends on which types of disabilities the kids have as to how much assistance you can get. They don't help much. If you have savings over $2k (even a retirement account) you are not eligible. You pretty much have to be dirt poor and practically no income to qualify. Sorry for the threadjack... back to the original thread... In a similar boat as the OP but just one kid on the spectrum, moderate-severe. Married similar length of time; we separated for similar reasons. It's been about 1.5 years. Ex started seeing someone I'm guessing about 9 months after separation. I started seeing someone when more than a year had passed. Autism is a very tough road and I agree there's no need to have self-imposed limitations; you and your kids need all the support you can get, period.
alexlakeman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't have much to say, just good luck. You MIGHT be better off staying married, so the kids have two parents, AND you have help.. and just go on the side and date outside the marriage.. I AM serious.. It will be cheaper than divorce, and easier on your life, as you'll have the mom involved.. Why not give custody to the mom again? In this case it might be the best. Let her carry the burden , etc.. I don't know, NOT in your shoes, but I do have two children in elementary and am divorced.
Author Just A Joe Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 I don't have much to say, just good luck. You MIGHT be better off staying married, so the kids have two parents, AND you have help.. and just go on the side and date outside the marriage.. I AM serious.. It will be cheaper than divorce, and easier on your life, as you'll have the mom involved.. Why not give custody to the mom again? In this case it might be the best. Let her carry the burden , etc.. I don't know, NOT in your shoes, but I do have two children in elementary and am divorced. +++++ I do appreciate the honest feedback from everyone, but I could never give her custody of both. Maybe just one. She's not equipped to handle both and has rarely done that. She checked out years ago and I have been primary caregiver. All the doc, therapy, education meetings. All the illnesses and all the explanations and apologies on behalf of my kids. She has threatened the oldest numerous times and assaulted him several times when I wasn't present, but later denied it. He's afraid of her and afraid to sleep at night because he fears she's going to injure him or worse. Ammo and weapons have been moved off the premises for his protection and mine. They are locked and in a safe place.
Author Just A Joe Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 My heart goes out to you. I have a few friends who have children with autism - only one child in each family. Actually a friend of mine has a daughter with severe depression - bi-polar I believe, and then one child with ADHD and her youngest has autism. He's not in diapers and can communicate fairly well, but he will never be able to care for himself alone. When I met them he was 4 but looked 7, which made things even more difficult for them b/c other people expected him to be much more advanced than he was...he finally aged to catch up to his size, though. Have you looked into the support groups available to parents like yourself? You should not be alone in this journey. I do have one question for you to try to understand your wife. Was she ever abused or anything when she was younger? And before the last five years or so, was she affectionate? So was this more of a change from before or was she always a bit unaffectionate and it's just gotten loads and loads worse? +++++++++++ I have asked her that question over the years. Her dad was a cop and menacing. Big tough guy in his time, but a baby at times too. His wife was very sick for a long time. I think he suffers/suffered from mental illness of some kind. Seems unbalanced. So, I don't believe there was sexual abuse, but I think she was sexually assaulted once. Her ex cheated on her and she is now with him (and has been for at least four years). The oldest told me in graphic details and I had evidence. She now has GPS on her vehicle and I cry every week when I check the routine. She parks the car, goes with him to their love nest apartment (a cheapo joint for fun) or they'll go to the same restaurants they did as a younger couple. Got the portable GPS after the kid confided in me. I found the evidence first- a souvenir cup from the apt complex. Yeah, I confronted her and she denied it all, called kid a liar. The cup disappeared and then it became a non-cup. Cup? What cup? And such is life in the House of Madness that I call life.
alexlakeman Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) Umm, then, I don't know ... YOU do need support, weather family, state run facility, something.. There is NO WAY you'll be able to handle it, well, maybe you are stronger than I am...umm. sending you a pm... edit... Guess, no PM for you since I am "not" a paid subscriber, just a visitor here, but I have two boys between ages of 9-15, and one has a similar issue as you've described... so I can only imagine.. I am not disclosing any more on this open forum, but man, you need some back up, no way, on your own.. I "AM" VERY involved with my children, but fortunately I do have access to a very expensive baby sitter (the parasitic ex wife)...doesn't seem to be the case for you, though.. How about wife's sisters or family or your familly???? Just brain storming. Edited June 12, 2011 by alexlakeman
ShatteredReality Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 +++++++++++ I have asked her that question over the years. Her dad was a cop and menacing. Big tough guy in his time, but a baby at times too. His wife was very sick for a long time. I think he suffers/suffered from mental illness of some kind. Seems unbalanced. So, I don't believe there was sexual abuse, but I think she was sexually assaulted once. Her ex cheated on her and she is now with him (and has been for at least four years). The oldest told me in graphic details and I had evidence. She now has GPS on her vehicle and I cry every week when I check the routine. She parks the car, goes with him to their love nest apartment (a cheapo joint for fun) or they'll go to the same restaurants they did as a younger couple. Got the portable GPS after the kid confided in me. I found the evidence first- a souvenir cup from the apt complex. Yeah, I confronted her and she denied it all, called kid a liar. The cup disappeared and then it became a non-cup. Cup? What cup? And such is life in the House of Madness that I call life. Woa. You just introduced a whole new wrench into this story Joe. She's been CHEATING on you for four years???? Is that TRUE??? Ok ok ok - time for an open marriage. You can't afford to leave her - fine...she obviously is still with you for the same reason...you can find yourself a girlfriend - one who appreciates you...like I said before - you can have an inhouse separation - one where you are no longer together for any reason other than financial ones. You could even divorce her if you wanted, but still share the same residence. I mean...if she's already got herself a mantoy on the side - it's probably best if you're not having sex with her anyway - you don't know where he's been or who he's been with or how often he is with someone other than her...last thing you need is some crazy disease on top of dealing with all the stuff with the kids. I know all the advice in the world is easier said than done...but there has to be a solution...pitch the open marriage idea to her and see how she responds. Tell her you need physical attention and she's not giving it to you so you'd like to find a girlfriend...I mean...I would not normally tell a person to go outside the marriage - it goes against my moral beliefs of what's ok and what's not...but in this case I don't believe there is much of a marriage left. Ideally you would divorce first...but at this point...you need to feel loved or you will eventually wither away....
Author Just A Joe Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Umm, then, I don't know ... YOU do need support, weather family, state run facility, something.. There is NO WAY you'll be able to handle it, well, maybe you are stronger than I am...umm. sending you a pm... edit... Guess, no PM for you since I am "not" a paid subscriber, just a visitor here, but I have two boys between ages of 9-15, and one has a similar issue as you've described... so I can only imagine.. I am not disclosing any more on this open forum, but man, you need some back up, no way, on your own.. I "AM" VERY involved with my children, but fortunately I do have access to a very expensive baby sitter (the parasitic ex wife)...doesn't seem to be the case for you, though.. How about wife's sisters or family or your familly???? Just brain storming. ++++++++++++ No worries Alex. It's cool. You're right tho. It will probably kill me. Much of the network I've built up is women and they just end up closer to wifey because of gender. Maybe that will change when the truth all comes out. Can't count on wife's family or wife's friends. None of them have done anything with the kids, although I have certainly watched, entertained their kids and even taken them on vacations. All on my dime. But I can't get these people to watch my kids once a month for a date night. (Silly me, no need for that any way.) Wife's brother is a cop and he's a little unbalanced too- like his dad. He has offered to take my oldest shooting. It was be a nightmare of a bad idea to put a loaded weapon in my kid's hands. Someone would be hurt or worse. So, don't know how this gonna play out. She'll probably take the youngest, which I'm fairly confident is not mine, but the oldest tells me almost daily that he wants us to leave. Heard it several times today. His mom, the wifey, wrote him a I love you note and I found it destroyed in his room. What does that tell you? I got rid of the evidence and talked to him about it. He doesn't like it when he's left alone with her.
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