Feeling like you're not good enough for anyone?

[TheLawmaker]

This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Yes, it's true that some of it comes out in misogynistic anger, but normally I am not hateful towards women.

 

However, I feel...hopeless...in my ability to change. It feels like this is who I am, and who I am destined to be. I was not ever meant to be in a relationship, with anybody, simply because I am not good enough.

 

I desire love and affection, but I have set a timetable. If I don't find love in the next year or so, I will seriously consider suicide. Because being over 30 and a virgin is something that I don't want to be.

 

I dunno, does anybody else relate to this?

[carhill]

You'd be surprised how many women have told me directly that they feel exactly the same way, and not as a 'let carhill down easy' line. These were long-term female friends and acquaintances.

 

The difference is, due to relationship dynamics, they merely have to let it happen with a man who approaches them, so they can self-loathe within a relationship whereas a man, as pursuer, will remain largely impotent if he thinks himself unworthy.

 

The term I heard most often was 'I'm not worthy of being loved'.

 

Having had the experience of being a virgin into my 30's, my takeaway from that period was more one of not finding a good 'fit' rather than not being good enough. TBH, I've never had that problem. I think we're all great in our own ways. Unique. Special.

 

Hope it works out

[P&R]

This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Yes, it's true that some of it comes out in misogynistic anger, but normally I am not hateful towards women.

 

However, I feel...hopeless...in my ability to change. It feels like this is who I am, and who I am destined to be. I was not ever meant to be in a relationship, with anybody, simply because I am not good enough.

 

I desire love and affection, but I have set a timetable. If I don't find love in the next year or so, I will seriously consider suicide. Because being over 30 and a virgin is something that I don't want to be.

 

I dunno, does anybody else relate to this?

Yes. See anyone of my threads. Suicide is a bad option. You only got one life and to take your own so young would be a pity.

 

Relationships are not all they're cracked up to be. In reality they are a lot of work, and can really leave you down and out.

[vsmini]

I was going to PM you but you're not established so I can't.

 

I know this is an annoying thing to hear but it needs to be said - are you in therapy? have you considered it?

 

OK - that's out of the way.

 

Putting a timetable on this, or a ticking timebomb, on finding love is never a good idea. You can't always control these kind of things and the more pressure you put on it the harder it is to find.

 

Have you tried speed dating? singles mixers? group meet ups?

 

What is it about yourself that you don't feel good enough about? Your low self-esteem is obviously contributing to your frustration about finding someone and affecting the results. You can't find the love you want until you work on yourself. Love can't fix you inside. You gotta take care of that stuff first....then comes love. Sounds really cheesy but it's 1000% true.

Get busy fixing yourself because that's your only option....and when you think about it...it's not a bad one.

[stepka]

You'd be surprised how many women have told me directly that they feel exactly the same way, and not as a 'let carhill down easy' line. These were long-term female friends and acquaintances.

 

The difference is, due to relationship dynamics, they merely have to let it happen with a man who approaches them, so they can self-loathe within a relationship whereas a man, as pursuer, will remain largely impotent if he thinks himself unworthy.

 

The term I heard most often was 'I'm not worthy of being loved'.

 

Having had the experience of being a virgin into my 30's, my takeaway from that period was more one of not finding a good 'fit' rather than not being good enough. TBH, I've never had that problem. I think we're all great in our own ways. Unique. Special.

 

Hope it works out

I feel worthy but I never have been loved so not sure if feelings of worth have anything to do with it. I wonder if at my age it ever will happen and the thought that scares me the most is that I could easily live another 40 years--alone. Suicide is not an option though--there's a reason we're here--a mission to accomplish and true love may not happen within this lifetime and we'll just have to deal with that. Think of all the people who lived before us and they married for convenience and then were stuck with that partner till death. Things are much better these days but we have to make our own way and that can be hard.

 

It is very much a misconception that men have that all women have to do is just wait and a man and a relationship will approach her. Many women never get approached. Sure she could go to a bar and get herself picked up at closing time, but not too many of us want that and it's not a relationship anyway. And in this I'm not even sure that beautiful women have it any better b/c a lot of men will hit on her, but again, it's not a relationship. Being beautiful would be like always being in a bar at closing time--no thanks.

 

I dunno Lawmaker--I just have the feeling that there is someone out there for you and the best thing to do is be confident that it's so--easier said than done I know. I had a friend who got married for the first time at 48--she hadn't dated since her 20's and she had completely given up but then found love and she's crazy about him. I think she has a deeper appreciation for what she has than all her friends who got married much younger.

 

And Lawmaker, there is a book that may help you--it's called Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting. It's about the law of attraction and talks about how being positive about what you want is the way to attract it into your life and being negative about it will actually keep it away. Even if you don't believe in that stuff, it's an interesting theory and I've had it manifest in my life in many ways so I believe in it. Also, even if you fail to attract the thing you want, you'll be happier and there's a lot to be said for that. And, are you happy with the other things in your life? Friends? Family? Job? Some improvement in those things would help your state of mind too.

[carhill]

Regardless of psychology, the examples I'm drawing upon were rarely alone for more than a month or two. I remember, early on, hearing similar from my exW when we were dating but that mitigated over time and, predictably, after we split up, she was already living with another man before we were divorced and she's no svelte spring chicken. However, I do have a few examples of what you describe, and they are 'alone' because they choose to be. One was my exW's best friend of many years. She divorced and was single nearly the entirety of our M. She could knock over any man with a feather, though I always saw her as somewhat of a cast iron biatch. But man, she could collect guys when we went out. Didn't want any of them.

 

The advice about finding happiness and being 'good enough' in other aspects of life, including strong friendships, is well-taken. I see it as critically important for a man. The good news is that no female approval nor validation is required. It's self-actualizing. Great stuff

[TheLawmaker]

I am not in therapy anymore, although I need to go back. I feel it was really helping me, although with severe social anxiety, it's pretty bad to get girls.

 

I have mild social anxiety now, although I still am terrified of relationships.

 

I have many dating and relationship help books. Dating For Dummies, The Shy Single, etc. None of it seems to touch on the key aspect, which is if, you don't have the social skills to show a girl you're interested, you're sool (sh*t out of luck.)

 

I hate people calling me a troll. Just so you know, these recent "beliefs" about women are just that...recent. Even in 2009, I didn't have these beliefs...they're new. However, I have recognized that a lot of men feel this way, and it's somewhat of a crutch, because I can blame something else. If I have to blame myself, I wouldn't know where to start...because I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

 

I used to be scared to leave the house, because I would have severe panic attacks. I wouldn't go anywhere. Now I go to college, to the store, to coffeehouses, etc. From 2006-2009, I wouldn't even go into a favorite bookstore, even though I love to read, because I would be scared of the people.

 

I suppose I still am somewhat scared of what people think of me. Now it's not the general population, but still...if I had to show a woman who I really was, I am afraid that she would hate me for who I am.

[somedude81]

I'm feeling the exact same way you do. Have been for the past 10 years. Now I'm just a few months shy of 30. My tentative date is the day before I turn 30.

 

For men who don't know what they are doing, getting women is near impossible. And I'm tired of trying and failing.

 

Right now I'm trying very hard to get a woman who seems perfect for me, but whom has already turned me down several times. So I feel like a complete idiot who has no hope. I'm basically waiting for us to have a big fight where she kicks me out of her life. That will give me the motivation I need to do something. For some reason I still have a tiny bit of hope that I can actually win her over.

 

That small amount of hope that I'll find somebody is the only reason why I'm still around.

 

I completely understand what you mean by misogynistic anger. One of my most common recurring thoughts is, "I hate women." I really like women, but the frustration is so intense that it is completely messing with my emotions and I often feel that I'm going crazy.

 

Heh, I think I'm actually in love with this girl and hate her at the same time. When I'm alone in my apartment I call her names all the time, and saying stuff like "I hate you, you f-ing bitch, please love me."

 

I truly am my own worst enemy.

[carhill]

I kinda had that problem, perhaps not as severe, a mild social anxiety, mainly due to sensory overload, and cured it back in my early 30's by starting to travel the world. 20 years and as many countries later, those issues are largely moot. Getting married also helped, even with divorce. You'll find your path. None of us is perfect. Always remember that.

[somedude81]

One common thing I see with men who have similar issues is that they have social anxiety. Afraid to talk to women and get panic attacks etc.

 

What's really weird to me, is that I don't have any of that stuff and I still have no luck with women at all.

 

At least if I had social anxiety I would have a reason why I do bad with women. But since I don't, I honestly can't think of anything that's preventing me from dating. It's a f-ing mystery.

[vsmini]

Get back in therapy and remember that when you do meet or start to date a girl - not everything has to come out at once. You certainly don't want to lie to her but you don't have to get into your anxiety and everything on the first few dates. Do you live in a populated area? A city nearby?

 

Self-help books are great and so is positive reflection and introspection but at the end of the day you have to face the monster and get out there.

It can be scary as hell and for you, probably moreso, but people have to face their demons and in order for anyone to make real progress in their lives they just have to get a little uncomfortable sometimes.

 

Rejections happens, it's happened to you before, it's going to happen to you again - everyone goes through it. EVERYONE. Your life is full of regret right now. It's the worst way to live.

You gave yourself a deadline of a year - and though it's clear it's an awful and ugly thing to talk about suicide.....you gave yourself a year....so you better make it your beeswax to make it the best god damned year of your life.

[Datura]

You desire suicide should a woman not enter your life (and a loving one at that) in one year's time. Not only would such an act be a grave mistake, it would be a mistake to enter a relationship with such thought processes going on. A codependent relationship could easily develop.

 

I have many dating and relationship help books. Dating For Dummies, The Shy Single, etc. None of it seems to touch on the key aspect, which is if, you don't have the social skills to show a girl you're interested, you're sool (sh*t out of luck.)

You'd likely benefit more from a book on tackling fears and improving self worth.

 

If I have to blame myself, I wouldn't know where to start...because I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Blaming yourself isn't necessary. Personal accountability usually is. Hating others may give you some solace temporarily, but in the long run you will continue to be hindered.

 

I wouldn't go anywhere. Now I go to college, to the store, to coffeehouses, etc. From 2006-2009, I wouldn't even go into a favorite bookstore, even though I love to read, because I would be scared of the people.

Great.

 

if I had to show a woman who I really was, I am afraid that she would hate me for who I am.

Do you hate yourself for who you are? (rhetorical) You are not your virginity, you are not your age, so if those are factoring in, they don't belong.

[RovingReporter]

You can start by reading "the game" by Neil Strauss. That book should get you on course to becoming confident talking to women, assumIng you're not grossly overweight and have good hygiene

[nyc_guy2003]

Don't mean to be an @sshole but I'm actually kind of shocked that there's so many seemingly well-adjusted people who are virgins going into their 30s. And here I thought I was a late bloomer for having been a virgin going into my 20s.

[Kamille]

 

I desire love and affection, but I have set a timetable. If I don't find love in the next year or so, I will seriously consider suicide. Because being over 30 and a virgin is something that I don't want to be.

 

 

Maybe I missed something important in your history theLawmaker, but who says sex has to be linked to a relationship? Why not just go out, meet women, have fun? It seems to me that by linking sex, love and relationship, you're really raising the stakes too high too quick. Date to have fun getting to know people. That's the best outcome to focus on. Else, you might come off as too intense or desperate in the initial stages.

[Cee]

There's a social anxiety subforum (subreddit) on Reddit. Someone posted on how he recovered from social anxiety and it's been circulating on the site ever since. I suggest you check it out (if you haven't already):

 

[Disillusioned]

This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Yes, it's true that some of it comes out in misogynistic anger, but normally I am not hateful towards women.

 

However, I feel...hopeless...in my ability to change. It feels like this is who I am, and who I am destined to be. I was not ever meant to be in a relationship, with anybody, simply because I am not good enough.

 

I desire love and affection, but I have set a timetable. If I don't find love in the next year or so, I will seriously consider suicide. Because being over 30 and a virgin is something that I don't want to be.

 

I dunno, does anybody else relate to this?

 

I used to, but not anymore.

 

I turned my perspective around 180 degrees. I've had a steady job and steady income for over 20 years, I ended up owning the house and I have no debts, I don't drink, smoke, or use dope, I cook, and I sew, so I'm pretty sure I can be a good provider (we Leos would never give anyone 2nd best), so hey, if some woman out there would rather be with her bummy jerk of a man, that's her problem, not mine.

 

I've worked on myself, and I've still got a ways to go with the weight loss thing and cleaning up the yard and the house... but what about a woman who doesn't make an effort to stop being attracted to men who are lazy or abusive? She needs to work on herself too.

[OliveOyl]

I desire love and affection, but I have set a timetable. If I don't find love in the next year or so, I will seriously consider suicide. Because being over 30 and a virgin is something that I don't want to be.

 

I dunno, does anybody else relate to this?

That seems amazingly drastic. Obviously you must be depressed to even consider such an action. Yet being depressed will make it much more difficult to connect with someone and create the loving relationship you want. Have you consulted with a therapist? Looked into any medication?

 

How is your social life overall? Do you have friends? Are you a part of any community? You don't need a relationship to be happy. When I was your age I was not in a relationship but I had a couple of good friends that kept my spirits lifted.

 

Although I wasn't a virgin at your age, I had very few real relationships and none longer than a few months until I met my ex at age 31. It's never too late.

[TheLawmaker]

My social life is pretty much nonexistent. I post on the computer, and that's it.

 

I've tried making friends. It's hard. I had lots of friends in high school, but after I left, I can't seem to make friends easily anymore.

[Queen Zenobia]

My social life is pretty much nonexistent. I post on the computer, and that's it.

 

I've tried making friends. It's hard. I had lots of friends in high school, but after I left, I can't seem to make friends easily anymore.

 

You got any hobbies or activities you like to do? Picking up a sport might be a good idea if you're into sports.

[OliveOyl]

I was going to recommend trying out something like a hiking club or meetup (http://www.meetup.com). The exercise will make you feel good (release endorphins) and it's a low-pressure way to socialize with other people, whether it's a one-time chats, friendship, or more. It will get you out there and moving (physically and socially).

[TheLawmaker]

I've tried all that before.

 

Listen, I don't have the skills to be social in a way that attracts women, other than friends. That is my problem.

 

I have had girls interested in me before, but they all leave when they learn I have no social skills.

[Queen Zenobia]

I've tried all that before.

 

Listen, I don't have the skills to be social in a way that attracts women, other than friends. That is my problem.

 

I have had girls interested in me before, but they all leave when they learn I have no social skills.

 

Well I sympathize with the fact that you struggle to attract women, but there really is no valid excuse not to make friends. If you can make friends then you'll be one step closer to getting a girlfriend.

[TheLawmaker]

Well I sympathize with the fact that you struggle to attract women, but there really is no valid excuse not to make friends. If you can make friends then you'll be one step closer to getting a girlfriend.

 

Tell that to all the female friends over the years who didn't want to date me.

[Cracker Jack]

So, what do you plan to do about it?