I'm back in my old town and I miss my ex-fiancee more than ever...

[Desensitized]

I miss her so much now that I'm back in town after moving so far away... I have this song on repeat and it's killing me:

 

I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. My view on women has become so cynical and I hate it. My ex-fiancee had an extensive sexual past that I refused to accept because she was too perfect--I couldn't believe that my one and only could do those things... I feel so much hatred when I go to the clubs or when I even go to parties to get my mind off her. I try to meet new women but I feel like what's the point? I have slept with 2 people and my ex slept with 30+. Still breaks my heart to think about that b.s.--one of the main reasons i broke up with her was because of that little detail. I thought I could get over it, but I was wrong.

 

I just feel like every woman I meet is going to be like my ex. Promiscuous, dishonest, and sadistic... mainly due to the BPD, but I'm still a bit traumatized from it.

 

I've been almost 6 weeks NC. I haven't talked to her since I last saw her before I left.

[Lilmisus]

I'm sorry dude, it's always tough being back where memories are everywhere, especially after being gone for so long.

Nobody ever wins at the numbers game though. Ever. Don't think about it as "she slept with over thirty, I slept with two" think of it as.."did either of us sleep with others while we were together?" No? Then that's all you should focus on at this point. Seriously dude, you're driving yourself crazy over her past..something that you should not be doing at all at this point. Your relationship is over..her past shouldn't be apart of yours anymore.

 

That being said..not all women are "promiscuous, dishonest, and (especially) sadistic". Your ex has a mental disorder...which isn't her Get Out of Jail Free card for the matter..but it is her "reason" for doing what she did and for being who she was. You honestly need to work on your empathy here and realize that hey..when you are impulsive like she is..then you do some things that you'll most likely regret later on...sleeping with multiple people so happens to seem to be one of those things for her. I'm not saying that you should ignore it by any means, and I'm especially not saying that you should turn the other way and try to get back together with her..but you should try to start letting this go. All this resentment that you have from your relationship with her, isn't healthy by any means, and the first step to moving forward is letting go of what's holding you back from doing so. Whether you need to seek therapy, take a bunch of drugs till you forget everything, wait a few years, date around, or even talk to someone about it (face to face, who has been in her shoes or knows her personally), it's up to you. But do whatever you need to do to try to put her past behind you.

 

Now...back to the reason that I'm sure is why you posted this thread in the first place. You miss her. It's understandable. You're back in your old town..reminders of her and memories of where y'all went and what you did together and how "perfect" she seemed to be in your relationship, is all around you. So of course you miss the chick. I feel ya there, dude. It's normal. It's also normal to play a song (especially a good one like that) on repeat when you're feeling nostalgic. You'll get through this little bump in the road though. Blast some Rebecca Black's "Friday" now, and try to turn your mood around

 

Just do me a favor: work on how you view women now, especially your ex. She was a human with a problem. You were a man who loved her, and who was hurt by her and how she deceived you..but forgive and forget..it's the best thing you can do now (this is like the pot calling the kettle black, I know!). Trust me...you need to move forward, but in order to do so, you need to let go of the past first and foremost, and I know you can do it, no matter how much time it takes. You got this, dude (Oh, and..sorry..I'm all about tough love, ya know?)

[Desensitized]

Yeah, I am driving myself crazy over her past. I always used to dwell on her past when we were together, but now, I don't think about it as much as I used to. Thank God. And yeah, I know that not all women are promiscuous, dishonest, or sadistic. It's just that my ability to think clearly has taken a toll from my prev. relationship. I also don't know why, but I am unable to feel empathy towards her. Or at least, feel a lot of empathy for her :/.

 

Just do me a favor: work on how you view women now, especially your ex.

I'll try. Though, it will take a while.

 

Thanks for the reply, Lilmisus.

[Millard]

I don't understand why people get so bend up about someone else's past. The past is the past. As long as they aren't cheating on you NOW, why worry about it? It already happened, and you can't fix it. What she dishonest, sadistic and promiscuous when she was with you? Now, THAT would be understandable. If she had changed her ways since, why care about what she USED to do? Is that all you're gonna think about when you're with a new woman? What she USED to do rather than what she can do for you now? I sure wouldn't stay with a guy that long if he was preoccupied with stuff I did years ago.. That shows insecurity, and insecure men are no good for any woman to be around.

 

Find some way to get past her, and worrying about women's lives. Our lives are our own, Especially the past. What if you eventually meet up with a virgin woman who was constantly harping on your past 2-3 women? You wouldn't like that very much yourself now, would you?

 

I'll be honest, when I met my boyfriend I was a virgin. Before me, he had almost like 5-7 previous girlfriend Yes, in the beginning I felt very uncomfortable with that ONLY because I felt inadequact and unexperienced, but that's not his fault. It still runs in the back of my mind occationally, but it's nothing worth breaking up over..

Edited June 11, 2011 by Millard

[Desensitized]

I don't understand why people get so bend up about someone else's past. The past is the past.

True. But, the past is the prologue to the present and often describes who a person is. People don't change overnight.

 

What she dishonest, sadistic and promiscuous when she was with you?

She was dishonest and sadistic. Never promiscuous, though.

 

If she had changed her ways since, why care about what she USED to do?

That's the thing, you DON'T know if they've changed because they're WITH you. I care about what she used to do because it reflects who she is/was.

 

Is that all you're gonna think about when you're with a new woman?

*sigh* No.

 

I sure wouldn't stay with a guy that long if he was preoccupied with stuff I did years ago.. That shows insecurity, and insecure men are no good for any woman to be around.

That's often the common misconception. People think that this problem derives from insecurity, but in my case--it doesn't.

 

Yes, in the beginning I felt very uncomfortable with that ONLY because I felt inadequact and unexperienced, but that's not his fault. It still runs in the back of my mind occationally, but it's nothing worth breaking up over..

Thing about me is that I don't feel inadequate or unexperienced. I've dated many women before dating my ex-fiancee--even dated more women than she did men. However, I didn't sleep with all my girlfriends, only two. And that's including my ex-fiancee.

[Millard]

Yeah, my boyfriend didn't sleep with all his girlfriend either. Also, I get that people just don't change overnight, so I can see why would still be wondering..

 

But I hope you don't let it consume you.. especially since now she;s your ex. Granted, it will take time to heal if that also includes getting help to eventually get over it.