Jump to content

He says he is going to break up with the other woman so should i ......

petal28

By petal28
in The Other Man / Woman

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

petal28 Member

petal28

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and this is my first post :) I was wondering whether i could get some advice or opinions on my stance please?

 

I recently started seeing a guy who lives in the same city as me and who is currently in a 4.5 year relationship with a girl from another city. The 1.5 years of their relationship was spent together but then he came over to my city and him and his g'friend have been having a long-distance r'ship since up til now (i.e. 3 years).

 

He says that he is going to break up with her soon and want to do it in person, which i believe. He has been seeing me for the last few weeks but we haven't been intimate with each other but have only hugged and kissed on the cheek. I want to kiss him on the lips (and so does he) but i feel like i just can't bring myself to do that nor can i give myself fully to this relationship because of this other girl and because of the fact that they are "officially" together despite him wanting to break it off with her. He is also respectful of the fact that i'm not ready to kiss him and hasn't forced me or anything.

 

He is going back to his home city quite soon and i "think" part of the reason is that he is going to break up with her (of course i can't be fully sure but if he doesn't break it off with her then then i am ending what we have). Do you think i should kiss him before he goes home? Sounds like a petty question but i would appreciate anyone's insight into what we have as i'm quite inexperienced in r'ships :o.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Hate to say this but she isn't the OW, you are. She is his girlfriend and has been for a long time, even if part of the time it's been long distance.

He is cheating on her and you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to get involved with someone who already is with someone else. He can tell you he's broken up with her, or things are on the way of ending .. How will you know for sure? He's proven already that he is capable of lying and cheating..

 

Don't kiss him. If you haven't yet, don't! Save it for when he actually IS free and single to date you.

LilyBart Established Member

LilyBart

Posted
Posted

Christ on a cracker!!!! It's just a friggin' KISS for God's sake!

 

Look, KISS HIM.

 

Maybe he's a really bad kisser and you'll be like, Ew, don't want anymore of that. On the flipside, maybe he will be an amazing kisser (and he thinks the same about you), giving even more incentive to end the LDR. And if he doesn't, you can always break it off (which is what you're thinking of anyway).

 

And regarding the so-called LDR....if after THREE YEARS one hasn't moved to the same city as the other, that relationship isn't that strong and probably on the way out.

 

I don't know how old the two of you are but GAWD, I'm rolling my eyes at the mention of "oh no darling, YOU are the OW" and jumping straight into the "how can you trust a known liar/cheater?". Whatever. Sometimes when you're dating, relationships overlap. Heck, it even happens when people are MARRIED.

 

But listen to your gut. Trust your instincts. If you're not getting a good vibe about him, don't ignore it. But if you ARE getting good vibes, I say KISS HIM before he leaves. ;)

  • Author
petal28 Member

petal28

Posted
  • Author
Posted

hahah...love the differences in responses. thanks for your opinions :)

 

I am in two minds about it and for exactly the same reasons as the posters above have mentioned. guess i can only see how it goes before he leaves.

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

woinlove Established Member

woinlove

Posted
Posted

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

 

Yes, if he is making his GF think he is committed and exclusive with her while keeping his R with you secret. No, if he is open and honest with his GF and they have an agreement which includes developing other Rs. If he has been lying, it may come as a big surprise to her that their R is "on its way out". That is, if it even is. Without more information, I can't tell if this man is open and honest or not. Perhaps you have a good idea of that. I was in a LDR for 4 years with my H. An LDR, in itself, does not mean a less serious R.

Ellin Established Member

Ellin

Posted
Posted
hahah...love the differences in responses. thanks for your opinions :)

 

I am in two minds about it and for exactly the same reasons as the posters above have mentioned. guess i can only see how it goes before he leaves.

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

 

I think calling someone a cheater, liar etc in any case of Rs "overlapping" is extreme.

 

Sometimes one R is slowly weakening and the ties are not quite there any more, so it is possible to start having feelings for someone else. That doesn't mean the moment someone realises they might be developing interest in a new person, they should immediatey "report" it back to that other person. It is natural to want to see how things go for a while and to want to have this conversation face to face and not on the phone etc.

 

It all depends on the circumstances. You don't know when someone is lying to you, you can only hope for time to tell.

 

At least this guy is taking it slowly and not pressuring you into anything. He seems to say the right things so all this is a good sign.

TurboGirl Established Member

TurboGirl

Posted
Posted

Ummm IMHO, "dating" is hardly the same as marriage. It's just not. All is fair and no explanation required, period, until you are actually married or engaged.

 

Is this guy engaged, perhaps? and maybe has not told you?

 

OP... sorry but this one sounds like a loser to me. Please kiss the guy and check it out. Nothing to lose there, right?

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
Ummm IMHO, "dating" is hardly the same as marriage. It's just not. All is fair and no explanation required, period, until you are actually married or engaged.

 

Is this guy engaged, perhaps? and maybe has not told you?

 

OP... sorry but this one sounds like a loser to me. Please kiss the guy and check it out. Nothing to lose there, right?

 

Bolded... ReallTheAtre couple can buy a house together and have kids and be together for a dozen years but you see that as no greater level of commitment as someone who's been dating 6 months?

 

Do you think people need to be married to own each other? To help prevent infidelity?

vsmini Established Member

vsmini

Posted
Posted
hahah...love the differences in responses. thanks for your opinions :)

 

I am in two minds about it and for exactly the same reasons as the posters above have mentioned. guess i can only see how it goes before he leaves.

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

 

 

Well let's put it this way. Say he breaks up with his girlfriend and you guys have a wonderful 1-2 year relationship. You love him and think he's the one. Then he breaks up with you because he's been with another girl, hanging out with her a lot and really likes her and wants to start something up with her.

Do you call it cheating? Does it really even matter?

LilyBart Established Member

LilyBart

Posted
Posted
hahah...love the differences in responses. thanks for your opinions :)

 

I am in two minds about it and for exactly the same reasons as the posters above have mentioned. guess i can only see how it goes before he leaves.

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

 

You know what? I'm going to say NO he is NOT A CHEATER.

 

Why? Because the two of you haven't even kissed each other!!!

 

To all the people who this doesn't sit well with, guess what? He's not married so you can't even classify this as an "emotional affair". Petal and he are 'really good friends' with potential for something more.

 

Obviously the guy thinks so too because he's working on ending his LDR.

 

Now of course, if they end up passionately making out and he doesn't break up with the LDR g/f and continues to further his R with Petal, THEN he becomes tagged with the label of cheater.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
I think calling someone a cheater, liar etc in any case of Rs "overlapping" is extreme.

 

Sometimes one R is slowly weakening and the ties are not quite there any more, so it is possible to start having feelings for someone else. That doesn't mean the moment someone realises they might be developing interest in a new person, they should immediatey "report" it back to that other person. It is natural to want to see how things go for a while and to want to have this conversation face to face and not on the phone etc.

 

It all depends on the circumstances. You don't know when someone is lying to you, you can only hope for time to tell.

 

At least this guy is taking it slowly and not pressuring you into anything. He seems to say the right things so all this is a good sign.

 

 

I would equate this to whipping your behind after you crap. No one would think of pulling up their pants without cleaning off the mess. It would stink and cause problems for everyone around them. Yet one can't finish a relationship before they move on. Same thing...clean up your mess before it runs everywhere.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted (edited)

changed my mind.

Edited by whichwayisup
editted and changed my mind.
fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and this is my first post :) I was wondering whether i could get some advice or opinions on my stance please?

 

I recently started seeing a guy who lives in the same city as me and who is currently in a 4.5 year relationship with a girl from another city. The 1.5 years of their relationship was spent together but then he came over to my city and him and his g'friend have been having a long-distance r'ship since up til now (i.e. 3 years).

 

He says that he is going to break up with her soon and want to do it in person, which i believe. He has been seeing me for the last few weeks but we haven't been intimate with each other but have only hugged and kissed on the cheek. I want to kiss him on the lips (and so does he) but i feel like i just can't bring myself to do that nor can i give myself fully to this relationship because of this other girl and because of the fact that they are "officially" together despite him wanting to break it off with her. He is also respectful of the fact that i'm not ready to kiss him and hasn't forced me or anything.

 

He is going back to his home city quite soon and i "think" part of the reason is that he is going to break up with her (of course i can't be fully sure but if he doesn't break it off with her then then i am ending what we have). Do you think i should kiss him before he goes home? Sounds like a petty question but i would appreciate anyone's insight into what we have as i'm quite inexperienced in r'ships :o.

 

Why would you kiss someone's boyfriend?

 

Don't continue seeing him until you have PROOF he has broken up with his girlfriend. Something is holding them together, even long distance.

 

I have a feeling he knows you are inexperienced and he has no plans to end his relationship. He is going to tell you what he needs you to believe so he can start having sex with him.

 

He isn't worth your dignity or your self respect. Stop seeing him. Find someone else who doesn't flirt with and tries to start an affair with someone while being in a committed relationship.

LilyBart Established Member

LilyBart

Posted
Posted
Why would you kiss someone's boyfriend?

 

Don't continue seeing him until you have PROOF he has broken up with his girlfriend. Something is holding them together, even long distance.

 

I have a feeling he knows you are inexperienced and he has no plans to end his relationship. He is going to tell you what he needs you to believe so he can start having sex with him.

 

He isn't worth your dignity or your self respect. Stop seeing him. Find someone else who doesn't flirt with and tries to start an affair with someone while being in a committed relationship.

 

She hasn't. The question was SHOULD she (kiss him)?

 

*sigh* Doom and gloom predictions are SO PREDICTABLE on this board. Sometimes people stay with each other because there's nobody else out there that seems desirable. Sometimes people have the mentality of "something is better than nothing" prolonging a R that isn't quite right. Sometimes people like having someone to be with before ending what they have.

 

I'm not arguing what's right and wrong or the morality of people's actions - this is what I have observed and witnessed over the years.

 

Petal, this doesn't mean the advice given shouldn't be heeded. But the sheer fact that your guy hasn't even pressed you for sex, is a pretty good sign that he's not a scumbag who's only looking for sex.

 

I still say KISS HIM - but get rid of him if he doesn't get rid of the LDR g/f. I still say you need to follow your gut on this one.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Nope, don't kiss him. If he wants a kiss from you, let it be when he's free and single! Let him wonder what it's like to kiss you from afar .. Let things happen as they will when the relationship he's in IS infact, over.

Ellin Established Member

Ellin

Posted
Posted

I have a feeling he knows you are inexperienced and he has no plans to end his relationship. He is going to tell you what he needs you to believe so he can start having sex with him.

Right, now the lying, manipulative b***** has been exposed.

 

Now we all know what he's thinking and conspiring.

 

Problem solved.:rolleyes:

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
Right, now the lying, manipulative b***** has been exposed.

 

Now we all know what he's thinking and conspiring.

 

Problem solved.:rolleyes:

 

You cheeky minx....

 

:laugh::laugh::lmao:

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
hahah...love the differences in responses. thanks for your opinions :)

 

I am in two minds about it and for exactly the same reasons as the posters above have mentioned. guess i can only see how it goes before he leaves.

 

might sound like a silly question but do you think he would be classified as a cheater as he's been seeing me whilst he is in a long distance r'ship that's on its way out?

 

If he would behave the same way towards you if his girlfriend was right there, then I would say no. If he says and acts in a way that he wouldn't if his girlfriend was right there, then I would say yes.

 

Yes, if he is making his GF think he is committed and exclusive with her while keeping his R with you secret. No, if he is open and honest with his GF and they have an agreement which includes developing other Rs. If he has been lying, it may come as a big surprise to her that their R is "on its way out". That is, if it even is. Without more information, I can't tell if this man is open and honest or not. Perhaps you have a good idea of that. I was in a LDR for 4 years with my H. An LDR, in itself, does not mean a less serious R.

 

Great post!

 

I would equate this to whipping your behind after you crap. No one would think of pulling up their pants without cleaning off the mess. It would stink and cause problems for everyone around them. Yet one can't finish a relationship before they move on. Same thing...clean up your mess before it runs everywhere.

 

ROTFLMAO

 

Thanks for the laugh this morning Bent!!

 

She hasn't. The question was SHOULD she (kiss him)?

 

*sigh* Doom and gloom predictions are SO PREDICTABLE on this board. Sometimes people stay with each other because there's nobody else out there that seems desirable. Sometimes people have the mentality of "something is better than nothing" prolonging a R that isn't quite right. Sometimes people like having someone to be with before ending what they have.

 

I'm not arguing what's right and wrong or the morality of people's actions - this is what I have observed and witnessed over the years.

 

Petal, this doesn't mean the advice given shouldn't be heeded. But the sheer fact that your guy hasn't even pressed you for sex, is a pretty good sign that he's not a scumbag who's only looking for sex.

 

I still say KISS HIM - but get rid of him if he doesn't get rid of the LDR g/f. I still say you need to follow your gut on this one.

 

I didn't say she kissed him, I asked her why she would want to kiss someone's boyfriend. I believe I mad that clear.

 

And he isn't "her" guy. He is with someone else.

 

And FYI - some people do maintain LDR for more than 4 years for various reasons. I guess I would wonder why some OW stay in LDR affairs for 5+ years...guess according to you that shows there is no real interest in ending a marriage to be with a mistress. Heck, many stay in affairs for years and they aren't LDR.

 

Ellin, no one needs your snarky comments. The thread was going just fine until you made your remarks. Maybe ignore me since you have such an issue with my opinion?

alexandria35 Established Member

alexandria35

Posted
Posted

I'm on the fence with this one. Maybe because I've never really understood the concept of long distance relationships, especially ld relationships that go on for years with no concrete signs of developing further. Of course we don't know what this guy tells his ld girlfriend so we have no way of knowing how serious this relationship is. It might just be that he has known the ld gf for a long time, enjoys the relationship for what it is, and maybe he has never had a reason to question it before. I don't know if we can automatically jump to the conclusion that he's exactly the same and just as bad as a guy who cheats on his wife. Maybe he is a liar and cheater, it's kind of depends on the nature of his relationship with the ld gf.

 

As for kissing him, I would say don't do it. Mostly because it sounds like you already told him you wouldn't until you are certain that he has broken up with the girlfriend. So mean what you say and let him see that you mean what you say. If you kiss him now after you already said you wouldn't he will see that your words hold no meaning and he will lose some respect for you. Also he might think that since you're willing to make out with him while he has a gf then what's the rush to break up with the gf. Why not keep the gf as my back up while I test drive the new model?

waytogo Established Member

waytogo

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and this is my first post :) I was wondering whether i could get some advice or opinions on my stance please?

 

I recently started seeing a guy who lives in the same city as me and who is currently in a 4.5 year relationship with a girl from another city. The 1.5 years of their relationship was spent together but then he came over to my city and him and his g'friend have been having a long-distance r'ship since up til now (i.e. 3 years).

 

He says that he is going to break up with her soon and want to do it in person, which i believe. He has been seeing me for the last few weeks but we haven't been intimate with each other but have only hugged and kissed on the cheek. I want to kiss him on the lips (and so does he) but i feel like i just can't bring myself to do that nor can i give myself fully to this relationship because of this other girl and because of the fact that they are "officially" together despite him wanting to break it off with her. He is also respectful of the fact that i'm not ready to kiss him and hasn't forced me or anything.

 

He is going back to his home city quite soon and i "think" part of the reason is that he is going to break up with her (of course i can't be fully sure but if he doesn't break it off with her then then i am ending what we have). Do you think i should kiss him before he goes home? Sounds like a petty question but i would appreciate anyone's insight into what we have as i'm quite inexperienced in r'ships :o.

 

I'm glad to read he is not a rapist. To force you to kiss him would be a form of rape. The way he is interacting with you is a betrayal to the one he hasn't ended things with yet.

 

This may not describe him; but there is something you should think about. There are many people who will not end one relationship until they have another, at least beginning. It's possible he held onto her even LD, until he had another to focus on before he ended it. It's also possible, he tells you he wants to give the curtiousy of a face to face break up with her to buy more time. If you don't measure up in some way, he may stick with what he's at least known, until he finds someone else more convenient than you.

 

Maybe none of these cases are true. They are possible. How much more information do you have, such as, when was the last time he could have done this 'manly' gesture of telling her in person? How long has she perhaps turned down fantastic dates believing in the last words he told her?

 

You may have a procrastinator on your hands. He may never say to one's face what he thinks they don't want to hear. That could be your face at some point also. I encourage you to ask more questions. He's not all about being considerate to this woman in a LTR with him. He's looking for everyway that is easiest for him from what I read.

  • 3 months later...
  • Author
petal28 Member

petal28

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm glad to read he is not a rapist. To force you to kiss him would be a form of rape. The way he is interacting with you is a betrayal to the one he hasn't ended things with yet.

 

This may not describe him; but there is something you should think about. There are many people who will not end one relationship until they have another, at least beginning. It's possible he held onto her even LD, until he had another to focus on before he ended it. It's also possible, he tells you he wants to give the curtiousy of a face to face break up with her to buy more time. If you don't measure up in some way, he may stick with what he's at least known, until he finds someone else more convenient than you.

 

Maybe none of these cases are true. They are possible. How much more information do you have, such as, when was the last time he could have done this 'manly' gesture of telling her in person? How long has she perhaps turned down fantastic dates believing in the last words he told her?

 

You may have a procrastinator on your hands. He may never say to one's face what he thinks they don't want to hear. That could be your face at some point also. I encourage you to ask more questions. He's not all about being considerate to this woman in a LTR with him. He's looking for everyway that is easiest for him from what I read.

 

Just wanted to provide everyone an update since this thread was created as i feel that i am now at a stage where i am emotionally able to do so....So, for your information, i did not kiss him. He went back home and did not break up with his GF (he also never told me straight up that he would break up with her although it was insinuated). He came back to our city, carried on with me as normal and did not have the intention of telling me that he didn't break up with her. He only told me after i asked the question. For the next few months we had an emotional affair and it was good at first but for a few weeks there were some very sour/damaging moments which ensued ONLY due to the fact that he was emotionally unavailble. During these few months, i was put on an emotional rollercoaster ride and the lows felt like hell to say the least. I ended it recently and am now recovering from it and feeling more emotionally stable. Yes, i know i was stupid and made a very big mistake but in my defence it took me awhile to realise that emotional infidelity was infact a form of infedility (we didn't pursue anything physical). I strongly believe the guy was also unaware of this too but i wondered whether he felt any guilt on his part as we were became very close. I certainly felt alot of guilt and was part of the reason why i ended it. BTW, i should mention that he was happy to continue on (with less intensity) even after i told him that it was a terrible thing to do to his GF and that it was infact a form of cheating - he tried to deny we were doing anything bad as no physical infedelity was involved.

 

Anyway, the lesson i have learnt from all of this is.....DO NOT PURSUE ANYONE WHO YOU KNOW IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILALBLE. Period.

 

Waytogo, what i have bolded in your post above rings true. From my experience, he is not good at dealing with serious matters/conversations i.e. runs away from problems. I believe that he has known for a while that he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend but is waiting for the "right time" to break up with her. I also think that she may have absolutely NO clue that he is feeling this way. What do you think?

woinlove Established Member

woinlove

Posted
Posted
Just wanted to provide everyone an update since this thread was created as i feel that i am now at a stage where i am emotionally able to do so....So, for your information, i did not kiss him. He went back home and did not break up with his GF (he also never told me straight up that he would break up with her although it was insinuated). He came back to our city, carried on with me as normal and did not have the intention of telling me that he didn't break up with her. He only told me after i asked the question. For the next few months we had an emotional affair and it was good at first but for a few weeks there were some very sour/damaging moments which ensued ONLY due to the fact that he was emotionally unavailble. During these few months, i was put on an emotional rollercoaster ride and the lows felt like hell to say the least. I ended it recently and am now recovering from it and feeling more emotionally stable. Yes, i know i was stupid and made a very big mistake but in my defence it took me awhile to realise that emotional infidelity was infact a form of infedility (we didn't pursue anything physical). I strongly believe the guy was also unaware of this too but i wondered whether he felt any guilt on his part as we were became very close. I certainly felt alot of guilt and was part of the reason why i ended it. BTW, i should mention that he was happy to continue on (with less intensity) even after i told him that it was a terrible thing to do to his GF and that it was infact a form of cheating - he tried to deny we were doing anything bad as no physical infedelity was involved.

 

Anyway, the lesson i have learnt from all of this is.....DO NOT PURSUE ANYONE WHO YOU KNOW IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILALBLE. Period.

 

Waytogo, what i have bolded in your post above rings true. From my experience, he is not good at dealing with serious matters/conversations i.e. runs away from problems. I believe that he has known for a while that he doesn't want to be with his girlfriend but is waiting for the "right time" to break up with her. I also think that she may have absolutely NO clue that he is feeling this way. What do you think?

 

Thanks for coming back to post your experience, Petal. And good for you for not getting in deeper and for recognizing that you deserve more and better than this man can give. I'm glad you are beginning to feel better. There are lots of others here in your position - still recovering.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...