Imajerk17 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I know I've heard it and said it. I think now I get it. One of the difficulties I think I experienced with online dating, is that a lot of the guys didn't really seem to know what they want and weren't looking for a relationship. They were chasing a fantasy, made to order online(as if you can.) Dating someone where things are easy and almost effortless, I wonder why I doubted myself in the 2 occasions where things didn't work out and I wanted them to. I think I felt I was doing something wrong. The guy I'm seeing now, is very, very different from me. It would make sense if either of us had called it quits after a couple of dates. But he really wants a gf. And he sifted through hundreds of profiles and only wrote one person. He knew what he wanted. I almost gave up on him early on. I dont' know why I didn't. He didn't fit the image of what I thought I needed. But something told me I had to give him a chance. Now, I can't fully understand why I thought to discard him so quickly, cos he's a cutie and a great guy. I think in the past, I have been so quick to rule guys out, because I really didn't want a relationship. I was offline chasing the fantasy. I think that if you're having a tough time finding someone, and you're letting a lot of options pass you by, maybe ask yourself if you're giving them enough time to get to know them. And if you really do want a relationship at this time. Cos not everyone's ready for it, despite what they say. Great thread!! And I give you all the credit in the world for looking past "first date chemistry" and sticking with it. And I am glad you are reaping the rewards....
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 To my benefit that is what I hear from a lot of women I meet online, that guys are not looking for relationships.. But there are also women not looking for relationships, just out to have a good time, which is fine with me Lol. Then you are indeed lucky.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 But couldn't you tell easily those that were green card chasers and hookers? The green card chasers are easy.. but the hookers and escorts some of them are harder to tell... I've had some talk to me for 6-8 emails then send you a link and you click it and it is their business website so then you are like block and delete.. You so get a feel for the fake profiles.. even if the picture looks non model and real if some of the questions are off that would be a red flag.. They might say they have a job in sales and marketing but they say something about working in finance somewhere else in the profile.. You can tell the fake profiles better after falling for them a few times.. After a while it gets like when you see the married guy red flags... delete I will never in my life understand men that send pictures of their "Mr Wiggles" to women on dating sites thinking "Oh.. when she sees this wonderful hunk of meat she will melt" and hit reply with her phone number and address. When I had my fake profile there were a few pictures of penis being sent to me.. and even guys who sent me links to their naked pics on their own websites... One guy sent me his website.. it was all normal pictures.. then he had had a nude tab..all pictures of him with his corvette and beach house.. I hit the link about 6 months later... It was his families website.. picture of his wife and kids..and he had been married a million years and his kids were like 10 and 12 years old.. Obviously married/separated or whatever.. hahahaha Men...
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Great thread!! And I give you all the credit in the world for looking past "first date chemistry" and sticking with it. And I am glad you are reaping the rewards.... Thanks. I had to change something up. I've had chemistry with a few guys over the last year. It was ephemeral, and looking back, some of them were just wrong for me. My new equation is great chemisty does not equal great relationship material.
Sanman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I do agree with this somewhat, but I think there are some guys out there who are a bit of both. I consider myself and average guy. While I am out there looking for a relationship, it is often difficult to not also be the guy who is not doing so. As a guy, I often find it hard to disengage from a women who likes me, but is not my type. Much like what you describe, it is hard to walk that line between fantasy and settling. However, as I get older, I have started to realize that gut feelings are not always the way to go and using your head (and good friends) is a better idea. Knowing yourself is also important. While passion and excitement are great, I know that for myself I am a much less exciting person once I settle into a relationship. I have learned that the 'boring' women I often away from in the pursuit of those more exciting/beautiful women are the ones that would have made me the happiest. I have also learned the value of patience and being to wait for the person want rather than simply taking what is available, running through many dates, etc. I do agree that I am certainly more comfortable and serious about seeking a serious relationship as I move through my late twenties and watch my good friends marry the women they love. Maybe I am the example you are speaking about though as I am much more pickier with my time and the women I approach. I would not hesitate to marry the woman I am getting to know now if she is as great as she seems. I can't say that about my previous relationships.
carhill Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I think that if you're having a tough time finding someone, and you're letting a lot of options pass you by, maybe ask yourself if you're giving them enough time to get to know them. One data point - All my life I have examined the options thoroughly, perhaps to my detriment, and have been very careful to not let any positive experience flow by unnoticed, even if otherwise infatuated, as I was for a number of years. I would say my minimum 'get to know' time *before* asking a woman out on a date has been at least a month, generally closer to two. I've met very few (less than five fingers worth) of women I'd want to date upon meeting them. It was only with time and exposure that most became interesting enough and attractive enough to date. I've never been interested in casual sex and always have had LTR's or been married. Anomaly? OK. I guess, in a way, we're all anomalies. Makes life interesting.
Sanman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 T I will never in my life understand men that send pictures of their "Mr Wiggles" to women on dating sites thinking "Oh.. when she sees this wonderful hunk of meat she will melt" and hit reply with her phone number and address. I pose mine in a hot dog bun to make it more appetizing for the women...and baseball fans.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I pose mine in a hot dog bun to make it more appetizing for the women...and baseball fans. You would get more dates if you were eating that hotdog bun while the picture was taken
Sanman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You would get more dates if you were eating that hotdog bun while the picture was taken If I could do that, why would I need the dates?!?
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 One guy sent me his website.. it was all normal pictures.. then he had had a nude tab..all pictures of him with his corvette and beach house.. I hit the link about 6 months later... It was his families website.. picture of his wife and kids..and he had been married a million years and his kids were like 10 and 12 years old.. Obviously married/separated or whatever.. hahahaha Men... Wow! That's pretty ballsy. What a douche. I've never had the penis shot, thank god. But I think I gave off an Amish vibe in my profile to stave that off. I did have a guy friend me on fb, a few months later ask me to play tennis with him, then a month after that (If I'm remembering correctly) he got married! I sooo want to let her know on fb. But I can't.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 You would get more dates if you were eating that hotdog bun while the picture was taken :lmao: The funniest part to me, was that I had to keep reading, wait a minute, scratch my head and then the light bulb went off.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I do agree with this somewhat, but I think there are some guys out there who are a bit of both. I consider myself and average guy. While I am out there looking for a relationship, it is often difficult to not also be the guy who is not doing so. As a guy, I often find it hard to disengage from a women who likes me, but is not my type. Much like what you describe, it is hard to walk that line between fantasy and settling. However, as I get older, I have started to realize that gut feelings are not always the way to go and using your head (and good friends) is a better idea. Knowing yourself is also important. While passion and excitement are great, I know that for myself I am a much less exciting person once I settle into a relationship. I have learned that the 'boring' women I often away from in the pursuit of those more exciting/beautiful women are the ones that would have made me the happiest. I have also learned the value of patience and being to wait for the person want rather than simply taking what is available, running through many dates, etc. I do agree that I am certainly more comfortable and serious about seeking a serious relationship as I move through my late twenties and watch my good friends marry the women they love. Maybe I am the example you are speaking about though as I am much more pickier with my time and the women I approach. I would not hesitate to marry the woman I am getting to know now if she is as great as she seems. I can't say that about my previous relationships. San, If you're 28 I doubt you're in the fantasy phase. You are still experimenting to figure out what you want/need. You should at this time. It's in your 30's you need to have it figured out. Also, when I talk of fantasy, I mean that check list or image of what that perfect person looks like or is. Like if you prefer blondes and you meet a package brunette, you might pass a great opportunity chasing the blonde. Or the redhead. Or Meagan Fox, who you're not getting anyway. I think those fantasies are silly and prevent people from experiencing awesome people. My friends that have seen my guy's photos have asked "why didn't you take him seriously at first? He's cute!" I'm like "I do not know. I thought I needed something else." I had a gf who did this too, before she married and had 3 babies with a good looking Italian guy. She didn't take him seriously because she wasn't in the right place in her head due to a breakup. But the guy persisted, despite her initial lack of interest. They ahve 3 beautiful babies. I don't consider it "settling." I consider it more opening your eyes in the present and seeing what's great, not the past which offers some fantasy.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 It was only with time and exposure that most became interesting enough and attractive enough to date. I've never been interested in casual sex and always have had LTR's or been married. Anomaly? OK. I guess, in a way, we're all anomalies. Makes life interesting. If more people were like you, there'd probably be more lasting relationships.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 A question daphne: Are you sure that this guy is not dating you just to have a gf, any gf will do? Are you sure you are not dating him for the same reasons?
DreamerGirl27 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You get it. I had great chemistry with 1 guy i met online. On paper, we were great for each other. But he dropped the ball and blew it and showed me he didn't really want a relationship with me that much. This guy, I would say there was little chemistry the first date, but I liked him as a person plus he's cute so there was attraction. He's not sarcastic, mean spirited, and doesn't criticize me. Interestingly, the other 2 I was interested in had one or all of these qualities. Maybe I'm ready to have another grown up, imperfect relationship myself! My problem is I'm sarcastic, mean spirited and I like to criticize, so I naturally go for jerks. I love a sarcastic, bad boy. Unfortunately, those types REALLY aren't looking for relationships. I just want a hot bad boy who has an edge about him to be mature and want a relationship. 'Cause that's me in a nutshell. lol I know, I sound horrible, but I'm just being honest with myself. I know who I am. I love sarcasm...absolutely love love love it.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 A question daphne: Are you sure that this guy is not dating you just to have a gf, any gf will do? Are you sure you are not dating him for the same reasons? No. He only contacted one person. If he was desperate, he'd have contacted a lot more. Also, he can afford to be discriminating. No. I have many options. I don't have to settle.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 My problem is I'm sarcastic, mean spirited and I like to criticize, so I naturally go for jerks. I love a sarcastic, bad boy. Unfortunately, those types REALLY aren't looking for relationships. I just want a hot bad boy who has an edge about him to be mature and want a relationship. 'Cause that's me in a nutshell. lol I know, I sound horrible, but I'm just being honest with myself. I know who I am. I love sarcasm...absolutely love love love it. Interesting. I don't think there's anything wrong with sarcasm. Mean spirited isn't fun to be around all of the time tho. I used to enjoy the witty banter with a sarcastic guy. Until I realized that it allowed little room for intimacy and trust. How can you trust someone when you're trading barbs? In my 20's, I was dating a guy who wouldn't stop. I told him if we were going to date, he had to disarm. I wasn't going into a minefield with mean. He couldn't do it, so I cut bait and opted to date a guy who was a lot sweeter. The hot bad boy who has an edge about him, is mature and wants a relationship. I don't think you're going to find that unfortunately..
DreamerGirl27 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Interesting. I don't think there's anything wrong with sarcasm. Mean spirited isn't fun to be around all of the time tho. I used to enjoy the witty banter with a sarcastic guy. Until I realized that it allowed little room for intimacy and trust. How can you trust someone when you're trading barbs? In my 20's, I was dating a guy who wouldn't stop. I told him if we were going to date, he had to disarm. I wasn't going into a minefield with mean. He couldn't do it, so I cut bait and opted to date a guy who was a lot sweeter. The hot bad boy who has an edge about him, is mature and wants a relationship. I don't think you're going to find that unfortunately.. Then I'm never getting married or losing my V card, because that's pretty much me in a nutshell. So if I can do it, I'm sure there are guys out there that could as well.
Sanman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 San, If you're 28 I doubt you're in the fantasy phase. You are still experimenting to figure out what you want/need. You should at this time. It's in your 30's you need to have it figured out. Also, when I talk of fantasy, I mean that check list or image of what that perfect person looks like or is. Like if you prefer blondes and you meet a package brunette, you might pass a great opportunity chasing the blonde. Or the redhead. Or Meagan Fox, who you're not getting anyway. I think those fantasies are silly and prevent people from experiencing awesome people. My friends that have seen my guy's photos have asked "why didn't you take him seriously at first? He's cute!" I'm like "I do not know. I thought I needed something else." I had a gf who did this too, before she married and had 3 babies with a good looking Italian guy. She didn't take him seriously because she wasn't in the right place in her head due to a breakup. But the guy persisted, despite her initial lack of interest. They ahve 3 beautiful babies. I don't consider it "settling." I consider it more opening your eyes in the present and seeing what's great, not the past which offers some fantasy. I spent my mid-twenties doing all the experimenting one could want. At this age I have probably dated close to 100 women just trying to get to know what works for me. Personally, I would think you should have it figured out a little earlier. Even after you figure it out, you are going to need to need to go through a number of people before you find the right one. The biggest thing for me was really knowing myself. Not knowing the me I think I am or want to be. but the real me and what I really need. It is funny that you guys mention the sarcastic bad boy. I'm actually very sarcastic and it is what drew my last gf to me. However, I was quite sweet/nice to her ans she used to get annoyed I wouldn't 'play' with her the way I do other people. I never felt the need to be mean to her and it annoyed me when she was trying to be mean/sarcastic to me. I guess I feel there is a time and place for such things..
Author daphne Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I spent my mid-twenties doing all the experimenting one could want. At this age I have probably dated close to 100 women just trying to get to know what works for me. Personally, I would think you should have it figured out a little earlier. Even after you figure it out, you are going to need to need to go through a number of people before you find the right one. The biggest thing for me was really knowing myself. Not knowing the me I think I am or want to be. but the real me and what I really need. It is funny that you guys mention the sarcastic bad boy. I'm actually very sarcastic and it is what drew my last gf to me. However, I was quite sweet/nice to her ans she used to get annoyed I wouldn't 'play' with her the way I do other people. I never felt the need to be mean to her and it annoyed me when she was trying to be mean/sarcastic to me. I guess I feel there is a time and place for such things.. Wow. 100 women? Then you should have a good idea of what you want. Wish I had done that when I was younger. That's a good thing, that you don't want to be sarcastic with the girl you're intersted in. It's not great for intimacy, because it's a little hard to let your guard down. And you're right. There is a time and place for such things. You sound like you know what you need. Just go find it!
soserious1 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 A large problem with online dating is that people will read profiles but not believe what they read or engage in magical thinking "he/she says they don't want a relationship but that's just because of X, Y or Z and that'll change if they fall for me" I am very clear in my online profiles that I seek only light companionship and non-exclusive sexual relationships.. I mean I've seriously spelled that out and have had several very uncomfortable endings with men who were shocked and angry at being rebuffed when they pressed for more. If somebody says in their profile that they aren't looking for an exclusive relationship, save yourself a lot of time and pain, believe them!
Mrlonelyone Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I am glad that Daphne has seen the light. Taking time to get to know a person first before a relationship forms is a good idea. For most people here it seems the ideal sequence of events is this. Attraction-->date -->chemistry -->"relationship" after the second date. When it really works best if it goes like. Strictly platonic friendly getting to know someone for a while -->Attraction -->date -->date (a little chemistry) --->date (a little more chemistry) ---> and so on --> realize after a few months your in a relationship. It's like people are in such a big dammed hurry to be "serious" about the first attractive person they can tolerate on a couple of dates. Then the same people wonder why it doesn't work out.
Sanman Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Wow. 100 women? Then you should have a good idea of what you want. Wish I had done that when I was younger. That's a good thing, that you don't want to be sarcastic with the girl you're intersted in. It's not great for intimacy, because it's a little hard to let your guard down. And you're right. There is a time and place for such things. You sound like you know what you need. Just go find it! Well, maybe not quite 100. I know I counted up one year and it was ~50 dates. I slowed down a lot since then, so the number may be closer to 80 or so in reality. I adopted the philosophy of having a cup of coffee or date with anyone that accepted my invitation. I figured I should hold off judgement until I at least got to know the person on one good date. It did a lot to break some preconceptions I had and a couple of my best relationships were with women I would have otherwise dismissed. I certainly do have a good idea of what I want. Unfortunately, easier said than done. I may really have something with this new woman though. She seems wonderful.
Author daphne Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 A large problem with online dating is that people will read profiles but not believe what they read or engage in magical thinking "he/she says they don't want a relationship but that's just because of X, Y or Z and that'll change if they fall for me" I am very clear in my online profiles that I seek only light companionship and non-exclusive sexual relationships.. I mean I've seriously spelled that out and have had several very uncomfortable endings with men who were shocked and angry at being rebuffed when they pressed for more. If somebody says in their profile that they aren't looking for an exclusive relationship, save yourself a lot of time and pain, believe them! I'm not sure how this applies. All parties afore mentioned also indicated a desire for a long term serious relationship. The 2 mentioned in initial post said it out right. But we all say we want something and may not be ready for it yet, whatever the reason.
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