daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I know I've heard it and said it. I think now I get it. One of the difficulties I think I experienced with online dating, is that a lot of the guys didn't really seem to know what they want and weren't looking for a relationship. They were chasing a fantasy, made to order online(as if you can.) Dating someone where things are easy and almost effortless, I wonder why I doubted myself in the 2 occasions where things didn't work out and I wanted them to. I think I felt I was doing something wrong. The guy I'm seeing now, is very, very different from me. It would make sense if either of us had called it quits after a couple of dates. But he really wants a gf. And he sifted through hundreds of profiles and only wrote one person. He knew what he wanted. I almost gave up on him early on. I dont' know why I didn't. He didn't fit the image of what I thought I needed. But something told me I had to give him a chance. Now, I can't fully understand why I thought to discard him so quickly, cos he's a cutie and a great guy. I think in the past, I have been so quick to rule guys out, because I really didn't want a relationship. I was offline chasing the fantasy. I think that if you're having a tough time finding someone, and you're letting a lot of options pass you by, maybe ask yourself if you're giving them enough time to get to know them. And if you really do want a relationship at this time. Cos not everyone's ready for it, despite what they say.
TheLawmaker Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I disagree. Plenty of men are online, looking for a relationship. The problem is that the women are not seeking a relationship, with them.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 This is a very good post. I don't know if it's a maturity thing because men and women can act like idiots at any age and never really grow up but....after a few chases and a few tough lessons learned - by my age now (28) I finally decided to date with an open mind and stopped yapping on and on about chemistry. Yes - CHEMISTRY - 9 times out of 10 chemistry on a first date is just your hormones going and wanting them to want you or vice versa. Chemistry in this sense is topical and a lot of people use chemistry as their principle to justify staying with a guy. Even if he treats you like crap. "Oh but the chemistry was sooooooo amazing" "Really? And he hasn't called you in a week?" OK. I shut my ass up and went out on 3rd and 4th dates with guys that I normally would have skidaddled on by the first date. I learned a lot. I also learned that I probably passed up a lot of good guy opportunities. While chemistry and attraction are indeed important for any relationship - make sure you know what kind of chemistry you're talking about. Chemistry is not an erection. Chemistry is not validation.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I wasn't making a statement that no guys online are looking for a relationship. I'm saying that, there are quite a few and there is a difference between those "looking" and those who are "looking with intent." I now know such a difference, and will recognize it if this relationship doesn't work out and I'm back in the dating pool.
TheLawmaker Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You can make the same argument about women. They are not looking for a relationship, just sex with hot guys.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You can make the same argument about women. They are not looking for a relationship, just sex with hot guys. If there is anything more or as annoying as a poster who makes really stupid gender generalizations it's the people that are so defensive over an innocent mostly gender-neutral post. "all women are sluts and want your money." Stupid. vs. Oh - this post was written from a women's perspective and mentions her relationships with men as she sees them and isn't really making any bold claims so let me point out the already obvious fact that the same fact goes towards the other gender. Just As Stupid.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 This is a very good post. I don't know if it's a maturity thing because men and women can act like idiots at any age and never really grow up but....after a few chases and a few tough lessons learned - by my age now (28) I finally decided to date with an open mind and stopped yapping on and on about chemistry. Yes - CHEMISTRY - 9 times out of 10 chemistry on a first date is just your hormones going and wanting them to want you or vice versa. Chemistry in this sense is topical and a lot of people use chemistry as their principle to justify staying with a guy. Even if he treats you like crap. "Oh but the chemistry was sooooooo amazing" "Really? And he hasn't called you in a week?" OK. I shut my ass up and went out on 3rd and 4th dates with guys that I normally would have skidaddled on by the first date. I learned a lot. I also learned that I probably passed up a lot of good guy opportunities. While chemistry and attraction are indeed important for any relationship - make sure you know what kind of chemistry you're talking about. Chemistry is not an erection. Chemistry is not validation. You get it. I had great chemistry with 1 guy i met online. On paper, we were great for each other. But he dropped the ball and blew it and showed me he didn't really want a relationship with me that much. This guy, I would say there was little chemistry the first date, but I liked him as a person plus he's cute so there was attraction. He's not sarcastic, mean spirited, and doesn't criticize me. Interestingly, the other 2 I was interested in had one or all of these qualities. Maybe I'm ready to have another grown up, imperfect relationship myself!
TheLawmaker Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 If there is anything more or as annoying as a poster who makes really stupid gender generalizations it's the people that are so defensive over an innocent mostly gender-neutral post. "all women are sluts and want your money." Stupid. vs. Oh - this post was written from a women's perspective and mentions her relationships with men as she sees them and isn't really making any bold claims so let me point out the already obvious fact that the same fact goes towards the other gender. Just As Stupid. I don't see what's so stupid about the first quote. Women don't stop sleeping with the attractive creeps, until their babymakers start sending out warning signals. Then they go for the good guys.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 You can make the same argument about women. They are not looking for a relationship, just sex with hot guys. Of course. But I don't date those women.
somedude81 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I think the problem is that you are attracted to a certain type of man. And those are the guys who end up not wanting a relationship.
TheLawmaker Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Of course. But I don't date those women. You are a woman, so therefore you date the hot guys.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't see what's so stupid about the first quote. Women don't stop sleeping with the attractive creeps, until their babymakers start sending out warning signals. Then they go for the good guys. HAHA I knew a guy was going to respond with this exact comment - I knew it. I actually deleted out "and no - it's not because I want a baby so I'm going to get my head right." Ahhh bitter men are truly predictable. I don't even know if I want kids. But....very nice how you don't even want women to be rational beings...because then who would you blame all your problems on. You don't want to believe that women are capable of wanting good guys because then you don't have a villain. Because if women out there do want good guys.....and you're not finding them....you'll think something is wrong with you. It's much easier to just think it's us.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I think the problem is that you are attracted to a certain type of man. And those are the guys who end up not wanting a relationship. Nah. I have dated myriad types of guys. Most successful guys do tend to be a bit overbearing. I have not always dated successful guys. I am starting to see why now. I think that statement was overall untrue and kind of makes no sense to be honest.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Because if women out there do want good guys.....and you're not finding them....you'll think something is wrong with you. It's much easier to just think it's us. It's like you live in my world. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you hold out for a good guy, you're too picky. If you let your guard down, give a guy a chance and he turns out to be an ass, you like bad boys. Even if you don't have a history of it. One guy you dated for a short period disrespects you, and you like abusive guys. (I actually received a post from someone here about that.) To be honest, I see a lot of abusive males around, not just in this forum. It's not easy finding a good guy with a backbone. And I don't mean the self proclaimed nice guys.
somedude81 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Nah. I have dated myriad types of guys. Most successful guys do tend to be a bit overbearing. I have not always dated successful guys. I am starting to see why now. I think that statement was overall untrue and kind of makes no sense to be honest. There tons of men on online dating sites. Usually only the best looking ones are the guys who get noticed by women and get to go out on those dates. Odds are those guys aren't looking for a serious relationship. Why should they, when they can date a lot of women online?
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 It's like you live in my world. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you hold out for a good guy, you're too picky. If you let your guard down, give a guy a chance and he turns out to be an ass, you like bad boys. Even if you don't have a history of it. One guy you dated for a short period disrespects you, and you like abusive guys. (I actually received a post from someone here about that.) To be honest, I see a lot of abusive males around, not just in this forum. It's not easy finding a good guy with a backbone. And I don't mean the self proclaimed nice guys. Eh - I don't take what that guy says personally. I'm smart about my relationships with family, friends and men. Mistakes happen but I take responsibility for myself and I wish these sh*t stirrers like the one above would as well. It's not my problem you can't find a girl and George Clooney can. Really. I know they want it to be but it's not. I have my respectable and logical reasons for dating or not dating certain guys and if it get's these guys all worked up....Oh Well! I wonder about what you say though - I think I've found a lot of nice guys. They didn't all end up in LTR's but who says they have to end in marriage? When do you usually "find out" these guys aren't all that great?
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Back in the day when I was single... Just a thought.. but it would be my hunch from having a fake profile, I was a girl. (I used it to check out the competition)(you also could read mail without paying) that many of the guys that hit on my fake profile were married guys or guys with GF's.. We men have it tough in that many hookers ,escorts, and green card/money gimmicks use online dating to troll for customers and women have it tough because many of the guys out there are married or in a relationship. It really is a crap shoot and you have to play the numbers.. You have to have a great profile and weed thru the bad eggs and get to the good guys... Just like in real life dating without the internet..
TheLawmaker Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 HAHA I knew a guy was going to respond with this exact comment - I knew it. I actually deleted out "and no - it's not because I want a baby so I'm going to get my head right." Ahhh bitter men are truly predictable. I don't even know if I want kids. But....very nice how you don't even want women to be rational beings...because then who would you blame all your problems on. You don't want to believe that women are capable of wanting good guys because then you don't have a villain. Because if women out there do want good guys.....and you're not finding them....you'll think something is wrong with you. It's much easier to just think it's us. I know some women are rational, but not the attractive ones. The more attractive you are, the more irrational. This goes for both men AND women.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 There tons of men on online dating sites. Usually only the best looking ones are the guys who get noticed by women and get to go out on those dates. Odds are those guys aren't looking for a serious relationship. Why should they, when they can date a lot of women online? Ok, this smells like a personal agenda but I'll bite. Neither of the two that I wanted to see something happen with were the best looking guys I dated. They were above average, not too high on teh looks scale. I dated a couple of others that were very good looking. One was a French guy that modeled in his 20's. Current guy is also better looking than either of the two. Probably one of the reasons I wanted to rule him out because I didn't think he'd be a relationship guy. Turns out quite the opposite.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I know some women are rational, but not the attractive ones. The more attractive you are, the more irrational. This goes for both men AND women. ALSO not true. Well...I don't know...maybe. Depends on age and maturity (not bio clock). The more attractive, no doubt, get more people....therefore more experience and can learn lessons faster. I'm telling you - I wouldn't have figured out the sh*t I figured out had I not been in past relationships/dating situations. That's actually a good idea for a thread.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I wonder about what you say though - I think I've found a lot of nice guys. They didn't all end up in LTR's but who says they have to end in marriage? When do you usually "find out" these guys aren't all that great? I haven't found a lot of truly nice guys. I've found guys who would bribe me with acts and gifts to get laid. But then retaliate when he doesn't get his way and feels rejected. That's not a nice guy. The guy who carries himself with integrity, is kind to those who can't help or hurt him, and doesn't take any crap is a rare find imo. I find out by listening to what they say, and watching how they talk to me and other people. It's almost formulaic. That's why I like to go slow. To find out what the person's like and see if they lower their guard and tell the truth about themselves. We usually do.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Back in the day when I was single... Just a thought.. but it would be my hunch from having a fake profile, I was a girl. (I used it to check out the competition)(you also could read mail without paying) that many of the guys that hit on my fake profile were married guys or guys with GF's.. We men have it tough in that many hookers ,escorts, and green card/money gimmicks use online dating to troll for customers and women have it tough because many of the guys out there are married or in a relationship. It really is a crap shoot and you have to play the numbers.. You have to have a great profile and weed thru the bad eggs and get to the good guys... Just like in real life dating without the internet.. I hear grandpa's voice from the Simpson's "well in MY day..." I suspect that there were a lot of marrieds/guys with gf's too. I couldn't pinpoint why always, but they just seemed less forthcoming. Plus the photoless profiles. Could you tell for sure those that were already in relationships? One guy I went out with told me that he dated TWO hookers from there. He said he learned to discriminate after the 2nd one. Great marketing tool I guess. But couldn't you tell easily those that were green card chasers and hookers? I.e. Beautiful Russian/Eastern European women and women with short profiles and no real standards? Maybe they're craftier than I thought. True. There are all kinds off line too. They're looking to get laid fast just like those online.
Author daphne Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I know some women are rational, but not the attractive ones. The more attractive you are, the more irrational. This goes for both men AND women. You're a funny troll. I'll concede that. Even if you're not trying to be funny.
RovingReporter Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 A lot of butt hurt internet males up in this thread. Quit worrying about whats wrong with all those "whores" online fellas and instead take a good look in the mirror.
alexlakeman Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I wasn't making a statement that no guys online are looking for a relationship. I'm saying that, there are quite a few and there is a difference between those "looking" and those who are "looking with intent." I now know such a difference, and will recognize it if this relationship doesn't work out and I'm back in the dating pool. To my benefit that is what I hear from a lot of women I meet online, that guys are not looking for relationships.. But there are also women not looking for relationships, just out to have a good time, which is fine with me
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