brightrose Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I asked a guy I know out "to coffee" and while he said YES right away I was also perceiving an awkwardness to the situation... like he was just being nice. I was hoping you all might offer some feedback. We are friendly acquaintances that know one another on a semi-professional level (one of the reasons this situation might be more awkward...). Semi-professional as we don't actually work together, though, yet him turning down my offer might not work to his advantage "business-wise." So, what are the chances that someone would just say "yes" to the situation to avoid confrontation? He is a lot older than me, he might have just not been expecting this question??? There's many possibilities. Anyway, we were parting ways at that point and no "date" was set (I'm just trying to make a friendly meeting to get to know him better...). Do you think he meant it: YES or NO? Also, what would be a good way to approach this situation next time I see him, so as to not make him uncomfortable but perhaps get a finalized answer (and perhaps a plan set in place!)? What I am really interested in is getting together with him in a non-professional setting where I can get to know him better. No serious dating, just like I'd meet up with a friend. It should be simple!!! SHOULD be! Thanks so much!
Jazzari Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You've already let him know you're interested. I would wait and let him make the next move. If he doesn't, then I would guess that he was just being polite.
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 What I am really interested in is getting together with him in a non-professional setting where I can get to know him better. No serious dating, just like I'd meet up with a friend. Well if you really, honestly just want to meet up with him as a friend and that was it then what more do you have to do? If it was just a friend you wouldn't worry this much about it. You'd mention coffee and then eventually one of you would make a date for it to happen. If he wants coffee I'm sure he'll bring it up again. If he's not interested he won't.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Do you know for sure that he is available in a nonprofessional manner ? He might have not understood how you meant it.. do you think he thought you met professionally have coffee ? if so.. maybe he was non committal becuase he was busy..
Author brightrose Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 That's a good idea to wait and let him make the next move. I'll see what happens next time I see him. Yes, I do want to just meet up like I would with a friend, but it's also because I find myself unusually attracted to him and I want to get to know him better to possibly date in the future. He's much older than me, he could just see me as a daughter OR he could be pleasantly surprised if he knew how I felt.
Author brightrose Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Do you know for sure that he is available in a nonprofessional manner ? He might have not understood how you meant it.. do you think he thought you met professionally have coffee ? if so.. maybe he was non committal becuase he was busy.. I know he has some extra time on his hands now, but I don't know if he's dating anyone (sure would be helpful to know...) if that's what you mean by available. He definitely has extra time now, so it's a matter of if he wants to or not... I guess he knows I'm interested since I said something (it's taken me months to get the nerve up to ask... and, goodness... when it comes to asking my male friends to coffee I have NO problem, with this one it's just because of the specific situation that I don't want to make awkward...).
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 BrightRose... 2 thoughts.. one is that you can just let him make the next move.. but you seem a little like he doesn't know that you are "That" Interested... or.... Make it known for real.. nail him down.. Email him if it would help.. "Hey Blank,.. Just wanted to let you know that next week would be a good time for me to go get coffee.. Let me know what day you would like to go"..
dangerstranger Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 How much older are we talking? He may be confused as to whether your invitation is romantic or business related. If he's ALOT older, he might not even fathom that someone your age would consider him for dating. I'm in my 30's and if a 20 something guy asked me for coffee I'd be stumped as to why.
Author brightrose Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 How much older are we talking? He may be confused as to whether your invitation is romantic or business related. If he's ALOT older, he might not even fathom that someone your age would consider him for dating. I'm in my 30's and if a 20 something guy asked me for coffee I'd be stumped as to why. Good point! That is exactly one of the reasons why I am feeling a bit cautious about how I approach this. He's about 20 years older than me (yes, a considerable difference!). While I've never dated anyone that much older I don't have a problem with this (that's why I want to get to know him better to know the person... I am intrigued by what I do know about him!), but he might have pleasantly shocked feelings or even be creeped out. By the way, this is NOT a situation where the younger woman wants an older man because of his money, I think I'm probably better off than he is in that area...
dangerstranger Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Good point! That is exactly one of the reasons why I am feeling a bit cautious about how I approach this. He's about 20 years older than me (yes, a considerable difference!). While I've never dated anyone that much older I don't have a problem with this (that's why I want to get to know him better to know the person... I am intrigued by what I do know about him!), but he might have pleasantly shocked feelings or even be creeped out. By the way, this is NOT a situation where the younger woman wants an older man because of his money, I think I'm probably better off than he is in that area... Are we talking you're 20, he's 40, or you're 30 and he's 50? Knowing that makes a difference in the advice you'll need.
Author brightrose Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Are we talking you're 20, he's 40, or you're 30 and he's 50? Knowing that makes a difference in the advice you'll need. I don't know his exact age, but it's quite close to I'm 30 and he's 50. Thanks again!
dangerstranger Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't know his exact age, but it's quite close to I'm 30 and he's 50. Thanks again! Okay, that info makes a difference. You're not a young 20 something where you're maturity level could be off. 30/50 is better than 20/40. I still think he might be wondering what your intentions are though.
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I still think he might be wondering what your intentions are though. I agree... Because of the age gap he certainly isn't going to run with the ball on this without a more definitive idea of what she wants.. He doesn't want to make a mistake and think "She is hitting on me" when she might only want coffee professionally. He would then come off as a creepy old guy who got the wrong idea... I think if you want him to make a move then you have to make yourself crystal clear.
Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm a more mature guy. He might be flattered, or he might be afraid. He's probably questioning your motive and wondering what the heck your intentions are. He's not going to proceed, if he's wise. And especially if he's seeing anyone else. You have to make the next move, but proceed with caution and move slowly. Just ask him if he'd like to get that coffee on Saturday morning at Einstein's or Starbucks (or wherever). Pick a location and a time (or several). If he declines the first, offer a second time. If he doesn't bite, they let him pick or let it go. Some older guys have been hurt too bad or too many times and would just rather plow on alone. Seen it. Others would be pleased to hear from you. Good luck, but be careful and take it slow.
dangerstranger Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I'm a more mature guy. He might be flattered, or he might be afraid. He's probably questioning your motive and wondering what the heck your intentions are. He's not going to proceed, if he's wise. And especially if he's seeing anyone else. You have to make the next move, but proceed with caution and move slowly. Just ask him if he'd like to get that coffee on Saturday morning at Einstein's or Starbucks (or wherever). Pick a location and a time (or several). If he declines the first, offer a second time. If he doesn't bite, they let him pick or let it go. Some older guys have been hurt too bad or too many times and would just rather plow on alone. Seen it. Others would be pleased to hear from you. Good luck, but be careful and take it slow. Agreed. You have to make your intentions clear. All I can tell you is that I have male friends approaching 40. They love the idea of dating younger women, because of the hot factor. It's totally appealing to them! However, the complaints come to fruition within a couple of months because once the sexual attraction wears off- there isn't a lot of glue to hold the relationship together. Essentially what men want is a woman that looks like she is 22, but has the maturity of 42. Not going to happen.
Velociraptor Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Offcourse it was awkwardness to the situation... Women ask men out for coffee maybe 1 time for every million men who asks a woman out for coffee. The point is that it's so unusual that it happens that every time a woman asks a man out it's going to be awkward. But, since you only like him as a friend I don't get why it matters who makes the next move or not. You dont want to date him. You are not intrested in him on a romantic level. The social norm that he makes most of the "moves" is irrelevant... thats only for when you want to date on a romantic level. Why does making friends have to be so complicated?
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thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Essentially what men want is a woman that looks like she is 22, but has the maturity of 42. Not going to happen. true, but the compromise that's acceptable is late 20s/early 30s women who are professionally successful. at least there's something you can point to there and say "look, she's not a kid anymore". the red flag here is her mentioning that his refusal could be harmful to him. if she has some sort of professional status above him that could affect him negatively, he will be reluctant due to that unless he's not that smart.
Author brightrose Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Offcourse it was awkwardness to the situation... Women ask men out for coffee maybe 1 time for every million men who asks a woman out for coffee. The point is that it's so unusual that it happens that every time a woman asks a man out it's going to be awkward. But, since you only like him as a friend I don't get why it matters who makes the next move or not. You dont want to date him. You are not intrested in him on a romantic level. The social norm that he makes most of the "moves" is irrelevant... thats only for when you want to date on a romantic level. Why does making friends have to be so complicated? I'm sorry to be confusing, I definitely AM attracted to him on a romantic level. BUT, I also am trying to be rational about the situation and proceed, but with caution for both our sakes. Since I don't know him on a very deep level right now I'd want to be more sure of it by getting to know him better, first (why I want to get together with him for something like coffee, outside of the professional setting...). I don't want to jump into something that will last only two weeks and ruin our current "professional" relationship. But, ultimately, my goal with this whole thing is to investigate possible romance. If that doesn't work, then I'd love to make a new friend out of it at least. Sorry to not be clear about the romance part. Thanks for everyone's advice and thoughts. It's great to hear it all!
Author brightrose Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 true, but the compromise that's acceptable is late 20s/early 30s women who are professionally successful. at least there's something you can point to there and say "look, she's not a kid anymore". the red flag here is her mentioning that his refusal could be harmful to him. if she has some sort of professional status above him that could affect him negatively, he will be reluctant due to that unless he's not that smart. In this particular situation he is definitely smart and it's his experience and intelligence for something I love that really draws me to him. We have both had successful careers but he is going through a tougher time latey and sort of a transition. I have more of a current stable career. His has been more unstable in the past couple years, but definitely in a respectable profession that he takes seriously. I just feel life it too short and I don't want to let this go as I feel there's a reason I'm curious about this romance... Currently I have a friend who's about 10 years older than me and another 2 years younger than me who are trying to date me, but it's this one who's 20 years older that I feel the most intrigued by. I am VERY curious to explore this, I'm also finding it the most difficult to do so... Thanks again!
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