first time posting - read - very depressed after an ugly break up after 4+ yrs

[kittycat95]

Alright, so me and this guy, my college sweetheart, have been together since I was 19 and he was 18 (around when we met...we are about 5 months apart). Things haven't always been easy between us but we've managed to stay together this long. We experienced a lot of problems that many young couples experience (being immature, changing lives, for example I left school and moved home about 2 years ago and started grad school last year, meanwhile he was there for the year and it was tough on him to deal with). So we've "broken up" a whole lot, mostly he gets upset and tells me to leave him alone, I do, and he comes around eventually.

 

We have been very close. In April 2010 he asked me to marry him.

 

Over the past year, year and a half or so when we would have these "break ups" I would get angry and say that I was leaving him. This would hurt him a lot, he would not come back so readily. I feel like I have been "chasing" after him for a long time now.

 

Anyway, fast forward to last May. We were both dealing with Final exams and it was a very hard time. He was upset and emotional, very sensitive, with me, would get hurt over things. He stopped speaking to me. I kept trying to reach out to him and it wasn't working, he would talk to me long enough to say he just didn't care, and he'd act very cold, and I eventually got frustrated and said I gave up on him.

 

Then we didn't speak for two weeks.

 

Finally I initiated contact with him after this time, and he was speaking to me, but was saying we were broken up and it was over. I kept trying to get him to talk to me and open up to me. We spoke together for a few weeks, and it looked like things were finally looking up. He moved back home about a week ago. We spoke for most of the ride home. He was very attentive to me, would text or call just to see how I was doing. We hung out one time and it was really, really lovely. In short, I was really happy that we worked through our problems, that he was finally moving back home and things can be a normal, natural relationship.

 

This past Friday night we spoke on the phone and he apologized for not seeing me, and for being busy, and thanked me for being supportive (also, all week he was thanking me for my support, which I freely gave!) and I said of course and I understood. We made some tentative plans to hang out the next day. Well the Thursday prior we'd also made tentative plans, but when I called him to confirm that night he didn't pick up, and I brought that up on Friday. I shouldn't have because I know it hurt him/turned him off. I texted him after our phone call and said I might be busy, or too busy to wait around at least. This led to a little texting exchange between us, during which time he angrily said to cut it out and that I was stressing him out. I apologized and said to just please be clear with me about our plans, etc. He said okay, and that he would call me the next day after soccer and we'd hang out.

 

So I felt really happy, excited that I handled the issue decently enough, that I stayed calm and didn't lose my cool or get upset/emotional myself. I made brownies for him, planned my outfit, gave myself a facial, in short, got very excited to see him the next day.

 

The next Saturday he calls me, after soccer, and things started out okay in the conversation. I was in the middle of putting on my sunscreen when he did call. Anyway I couldn't talk much at home, and said I needed to step outside to speak, so I'd have more privacy. For some reason he was kind of upset at me (probably from the night before) and said he always spoke to me at home, and that he gave me more consideration than I gave him. I started to get upset myself because I didn't know why he was getting so mad at me for. He was saying things like, you're supposed to give me support and encouragement, why do I have to ASK you to do it. ANd I'm like, calm down, I HAVE been supporting you, remember, you have been thanking me for it, what have I been doing wrong. He goes, I don't know, I just feel so distant from you. He said he was giving me a "progress report" and saying things I "didn't want to hear" but that I should.

 

Well, I got frustrated, sad, and upset, because the conversaton was not going at all like I wanted...I thought he would call me to tell me when we might be hanging out, not getting into a heavy conversation like this, and I started to cry and get very emotional. He didn't know how to deal with it, he just wasn't being very helpful, so I said we should get off the phone and he could call me later if he wanted to.

 

I go to my yoga class, crying the entire time, I call him a few times, no reply. I call him after class and say I was cooled down and was wondering why he got so upset at me, he couldn't really talk, and said he wanted to get off the phone and that we'd talk later. I waited an hour and he didn't call me back, so I called back, and he kept hitting ignore. I kept getting more and more upset, I left a few voicemails saying why did he treat me this way, and sent more emails, I finally sent an email saying since I knew he would break up with me, I was going to do the breaking up.

 

I felt sad and regretted this, sent another email saying so. Basically between Saturday and Sunday I tried a whole bunch of times to call and email him and he almost fully ignored me. He picked up once Sunday but said he didn't want to talk and being on the phone was upsetting and pointless - "what's the point" he said.

 

Monday I did the same thing, called and emailed a lot, saying I was sorry, begging him to just talk to me, that this was all so ridiculous, saying how happy he had made me, and why did he have to be so cold. He barely spoke to me, except on Monday to say we are broken up, get over it and when I asked him if he cared about me at all he said no, stop wasting your time.

 

This caused me since Monday to drop into a deep depression. I just sleep a lot. I try not to call or bother him and to leave him alone for the most part but I've been averaging about 3-4 calls a day, and 2-3 emails a day, saying the same thing, saying I am sorry, and I don't know why things got so stressful, but why was he being so cold, etc.

 

My friends say I should stop contacting him, but I don't want him to think that I do not care about him, or that I am not concerned. But this is too much, he's been ignoring me for days now, and I feel there is nothing I can do anymore.

 

Can anyone give me some advice, or some kind of wisdom on how to deal with all this? I have been feeling very bad, sleeping too much, not exercising, barely getting out of the house. I know this is very bad. I've lost about 4 lbs too. I made an appointment with a psychologist for this Wednesday and I am going to go on a 5-htp regime starting today, and go to a yoga class today hopefully (5 htp is an antidepressant), and a male friend agreed to monitor me to not call my love until July 31st.

 

Please help!

[Fedor]

After reading your story, the break up seemed inevitable. All that fighting, the disagreeing and lack of compromise lead to this. You both are at stressfull points in life. He may not be ready to just settle down at such a young age. He nit picked every problem he hadwith you. This was a sign that he was probably trying to drive you away. My opinion anyway. But, what you can do now is pick up the pieces and live your life. You have been with the same man for 4 years! Your an emotional wreck right now because of this man. Maybe this is a sign that your 4 year relationship wasnt as good as you thought it was. Just some food for thought. And yes, keep NC. Your looking desperate and weak and that is not attractive. Keep your head high.

[fetish]

yes stop contacting him. i second fedor that you're making yourself look desperate by begging him to talk when he's made it clear that he really doesn't want to. Good on you doing the yoga classes. That's a good self help and should help keep your mind and body occupied.

[kittycat95]

Thanks for the responses. I am just heartbroken at the thought he will never talk to me again... How likely do you think it is that he WILL talk to me again? He has already told me in the past he hates it when I act needy and desperate and finds it very unattractive, so I know I must stop. Today I have stopped, and plan not to contact him until July 31... But will he contact me?

[Fedor]

Thanks for the responses. I am just heartbroken at the thought he will never talk to me again... How likely do you think it is that he WILL talk to me again? He has already told me in the past he hates it when I act needy and desperate and finds it very unattractive, so I know I must stop. Today I have stopped, and plan not to contact him until July 31... But will he contact me?

Why July 31st?

[kittycat95]

Why July 31st?

 

 

I just wanted to give myself a definite time period where I can commit to not contacting him. Things have been rough between us for a while, and this past Saturday (June 4) was where it sort of reached the breaking point I talked about, so waiting a couple of months, til end of July (practically all summer) seems like a good idea.

 

I just wonder if he will even miss me, or wonder about me. I understand I have to stop trying to contact him and get his attention. I feel so pathetic and foolish and just plain sad . It is especially bad in the mornings when I wake up because sometimes I dream of him.

[kittycat95]

I went to a yoga class tonight and feel a little bit more sane. It's comforting to read this forum and realize many have gone through this process and it's hard on everyone, but that you are not alone. That said I really hope he contacts me...but I know that's just a foolish dream.

[Fedor]

I went to a yoga class tonight and feel a little bit more sane. It's comforting to read this forum and realize many have gone through this process and it's hard on everyone, but that you are not alone. That said I really hope he contacts me...but I know that's just a foolish dream.

 

Great to hear! But try not to have hope. It will only let you down in the situation.

[RuinedLife]

Great to hear! But try not to have hope. It will only let you down in the situation.

 

I agree. I've been living in denial with false hopes for over 4 months and its really set me back. Is like the break up just happened to me as I keep hoping my ex bf will change his mind and come back to me.

 

Such a foolish dream when he told me straight, "I'm happier without you"

 

Me and my ex fell out in a similar way due to text message based arguments and misunderstandings and my ex also grew distant and refused to talk to me.

 

We have been trying to stay friends with email contact, but I sent him a crazy email over a week ago and have been too terrified to check my emails in fear that he'll have sent a negative reply or no reply. I know its really pathetic.

 

Anyway you are not alone. We are all here to support each other.

[Fedor]

I agree. I've been living in denial with false hopes for over 4 months and its really set me back. Is like the break up just happened to me as I keep hoping my ex bf will change his mind and come back to me.

 

Such a foolish dream when he told me straight, "I'm happier without you"

 

Me and my ex fell out in a similar way due to text message based arguments and misunderstandings and my ex also grew distant and refused to talk to me.

 

We have been trying to stay friends with email contact, but I sent him a crazy email over a week ago and have been too terrified to check my emails in fear that he'll have sent a negative reply or no reply. I know its really pathetic.

 

Anyway you are not alone. We are all here to support each other.

Why are you trying to stay friends!

[RuinedLife]

Why are you trying to stay friends!

 

Because I'm in denial and... well I don't know what his reason is.. guilt I suppose.

[Badenov]

See if you agree with this assessment:

 

His attention is like a drug. You feel good about yourself when he's nice to you. After awhile, you need another fix. Without it, you feel worthless. You over-analyze everything he does says, looking for indications about how he feels about you. You make excuses for how he treats you convince yourself he really cares.

 

Kitty, this is a self-esteem issue. Even if he DOES call you & make everything better, it's not healthy for you to rely on someone else for how you feel about yourself. No relationship is better than an unhealthy one.

 

How likely do you think it is that he WILL talk to me again? He has already told me in the past he hates it when I act needy and desperate and finds it very unattractive, so I know I must stop.

 

This is not something you can fake--you can't just act like you're over him, you need to be over him. Find ways to feel good about yourself without him. Only then can you have a give-and-take relationship with him, but by that time you may be surprised to find you don't really need him anymore.

[RuinedLife]

See if you agree with this assessment:

 

His attention is like a drug. You feel good about yourself when he's nice to you. After awhile, you need another fix. Without it, you feel worthless. You over-analyze everything he does says, looking for indications about how he feels about you. You make excuses for how he treats you convince yourself he really cares.

 

I know you weren't asking me really, but I agree with this assessment for the most part. Although now I'm terrified to check my emails in fear that my ex hasn't responded to my last message or has sent a negative reply. So in that way that assessment is almost reversing itself for me.

 

This is not something you can fake--you can't just act like you're over him, you need to be over him. Find ways to feel good about yourself without him. Only then can you have a give-and-take relationship with him, but by that time you may be surprised to find you don't really need him anymore.

 

I really wish I could get to this point already.

[kittycat95]

See if you agree with this assessment:

 

His attention is like a drug. You feel good about yourself when he's nice to you. After awhile, you need another fix. Without it, you feel worthless. You over-analyze everything he does says, looking for indications about how he feels about you. You make excuses for how he treats you convince yourself he really cares.

 

Kitty, this is a self-esteem issue. Even if he DOES call you & make everything better, it's not healthy for you to rely on someone else for how you feel about yourself. No relationship is better than an unhealthy one.

 

 

 

This is not something you can fake--you can't just act like you're over him, you need to be over him. Find ways to feel good about yourself without him. Only then can you have a give-and-take relationship with him, but by that time you may be surprised to find you don't really need him anymore.

 

Badenov, I very much agree with that assessment. The issue with our relationship is the on-and-off nature of it, which for me means that I'm never sure if it's really over, or not. So over the years we have fallen into a sort of pattern where we don't speak for a while and I wait for him to contact me. So it is tough to get out of that pattern.

 

I'm trying to make the best of the situation and use the time to focus on myself and my own mental well-being and sanity. I am one of those types of women, as I suspect many to be, who "cares" or "gives" too much (call it co-dependency, or insecurity) and puts the man's needs before her own.

 

Today, a friend of mine told me a guy friend of his, told her that my (ex) is bipolar. I feel sorry for him, and worried that he might get hooked on any medications they might be giving him. I know that he was seeing a therapist, but I didn't tell anyone that. I also know he went on Ritalin, but didn't tell anyone either. It's interesting to me that a male friend of his would say that about him. But, as they say, you can't help people until they choose to help themselves. And maybe our relationship's been incredibly strained for a long time, but believe me when I say that when we WERE together it was really lovely, a lot of it. That plays a large part in me missing him.

 

But I have to stay firm and not contact him. I don't know what will happen. Maybe he will fully move on, maybe he will contact me when he has some break through. I feel like ok, maybe I acted badly sometimes, but perhaps he was unfair to me too. Like, he would say I was very unstable, and I made him nervous, when he was the unstable one, and I was the one who should have been nervous.

 

My apologies for rambling. And let me just say I really appreciate having this board around, it gives me a whole ton of comfort that I didn't expect to have during these days.

 

To all my ladies, Stay Strong!