iriedawta Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Just short of 2 weeks would've been 25 yrs since I've been with him, never married. We bumped into each other the summer I grad from high school. There is a 10yr diff btwn us but he looks young. Anyway after much googling it appears that he fits the narcissist profile and in turned I have developed into an enabler and I have co-dependency issues. I used to chuck up his occasional rude behavior to him being neglected & abused as a child. There I go making excuses for him. As for the disrespect and put downs towards me and our kids, I take responsibility for not standing up to him. I don't know how I became a doormat. I had goals and an idea of what I would've wanted in a good man. I met him, had children before I was ready...to please him. Worked many jobs at once to hold down the fort..while he needed time to "get his act together". And I forgave him for cheating on me twice..that I know of...and giving me a std...luckily curable but periodically I still get checked for AIDS/HIV. My self-esteem is shot and I am always more concerned about him than myself and even our kids. Lately he has become distant and has been showing favoritism towards a high school friend that he reconnected with who is going through a divorce. It is very obvious that this is a one-sided interest. I have met her and I feel that there is definitely no intentions other than friendship on her end. I am jealous of the attention he is giving her and of the motivation to do things for her that he would hesitate to do for me. He says he see her only as a friend. He immediately comes to her place when she needs someone to talk to (her place is across the street from my boys school). I work in that town so I see his car there on my way to & from work sometimes. I have had a gut feeling about the situation, I have lost 20lbs, and I have anxiety. I am looking for a therapist because I find myself stepping out of the office to drive and see if his car is at her place. He never held down a steady job (too much free time), he has never had his own place (we’re living in my deceased Dad’s house) and he has barely helped me take care of our kids financially or physically. Last week I found out that he was sextxting her so I kicked him out of the house. No apology from him just a look of frustration that I saw the text and a comment about “I never look at your phone”. I’ve heard from his cousin that his “friend” ignored the txt and keeps the conversation platonic. I am going to meet “the “friend” for lunch next week to discuss things. We have spoken to each other a couple of time in the past about neutral things (family and such). I still feel sad that my efforts to save our relationship is gone in the wind and that I wasted sooo many years. He was my 1st and I wanted to try to stick it out and see if he would change and appreciate me. I am easy to please, a low maintenance woman. So now I feel like I've had enough of taking care of him, chasing him and I have started NC. It has been 2 1/2 days. I’ve gotten one call from him to talk about some random picnic at his job and the next time he called, I didn't answer. He would love for me to break down and contact him but I gotta stay strong. Which is why I'm here. I am missing his arms, smell, and the few times he smiles at me and touched me. Our sex life was great..but I realized I did it for the attention and just to feel him hold me. This is the 1st time I am getting my heart broken and I wish I should've dated around more. What can I do to get rid of this mental anger? I feel like he's won (his freedom to happily pursue women w/o me around to answer to) and he still doesn't take responsibility to help me financially with our kids. I feel like I've lost because I have invested so much of me in this relationship while I am still the sole provider for or children's needs, household & medical bills, etc. I hardly have time to focus on me.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) You have a chance to run... At 43 you still have some life to live... and hopefully your kids are far enough along so that you will be able to do some of your adult living without needing to dote all over them. The telling factor in your story is that he was 28 when you were 18. The fact that he was abused as a child serves only to aggravate the factors which had 28yo him looking to 18yo you. There is nothing wrong with your having adored the attention of the much-older guy, but at the same time, his having been showering you with that romantic attention, underscored his flaws. (flaws unseen by you, but known to many or most of those he would've been around back then) Edited June 13, 2011 by SincereOnlineGuy
Author iriedawta Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I fell off the nc wagon head first last weekend and slept with him. Things seem to be going ok but a little something inside said that we would be back to the same issue within a week...meaning he would get caught with his "friend". So I said we should try friendship w/o sex and that he shoould really tell her how he feels about her...if he didn't already. I am clueless as to what's going on and being said btwn them. We were getting along pretty good and he came by my job to have a good chat with me. It was good to see him, I had his attention, and I enjoyed his company. He is a great charmer. I have been using a ficticious male friend as a way to get his attraction for about a month and said that I was going to watch the Bruins game with my "friend". He (my baby's dad) didn't look jealous, said have a good time and wanted to know if we could hook up later on tonight. I told him that he was already working on getting a f..k buddy (referring to the sex text that he had sent to his "friend"). I reminded him of no more sex with us. Later on the afternoon I rode my bike from work and decided to go to a bank near his "friend's" apt. I nearly lost my breath when I saw that his car was there. I called him and asked "what's up?". He said that he was taking a nap. I said "really? I see your car?", he said "You see my car?...Well I just got here 2 minutes ago". I said "yea and now you're sleeping at M..'s place?. I thought you said gas costs $...blah, blah". I was angry that he lied and is still carring on with this person and that I am stupid for not knowing beter. Besides...I did say that we should be friends so why get upset, right? I don't want to see him or talk to him. I need time away from him to heal, however, he has a tendancy to drop by my house and claim he is here to "see his kids". Personally I think he should call them...they are teenagers now...and meet them somewhere. Do you suggest that I go nc again or if we cross paths, say that I accept/acknowledge that he has moved on and try to keep the conversation platonic? I also heard the best revenge is to act happy for them or act like you don't care and then you will eventually feel happy and not care about what they are doing. Thanks for your advice.
Author iriedawta Posted June 19, 2011 Author Posted June 19, 2011 Thank you Sincere for the feedback. I am on day 4 of NC. Our children are young adults & teenagers so I can get a life. They were waiting for mommy to wake up and do not miss having their dad around. Our house is tension free..even the cats are relaxed. As I slowly take off the "glasses", I see that I was the only one trying to keep everyone together. Our kids didn't like the situation and he was always resistant on handling his responsibilities as a dad. I still cry bcuz I gave So much of myself and it has gone unappreciated. I feel like I'm losing a part of me and I know it can't work and I feel stupid for missing someone like that. I wish I could take comfort in knowing he's doing me a favor by not wanting me.
Author iriedawta Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Day 6 of nc, I get a call from my ex and we meet up to talk. The talk turned into a 4 hr conversation...more like me venting my anger on his cheating & way behavior and him on complaining about being kicked out of the house (because I saw a sex txt to is friend). Basically, I told him I am not happy about him putting her before his obligation to our kids. He needs to be in touch with his feelings about her and see where things can go with them and that I need to work on myself. He briefly tried to coax me into having sex and I almost did but I restrained myself because something said he would have the upper hand...again. I feel good that I got to vent and that I was able to stand up to him. I am now moving on to LC as a friend who is less available for him and responsive to strictly family/business matters.
Forever Learning Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 (edited) And he is a compulsive, pathological liar. People with Narcississtic Personality Disorder usually are. I have been with a similar man for 15 years. We are getting divorced, we too have kids, younger than yours. I am your age. I worked the multiple jobs and kept the house afloat as you did. I am also a co-dependant and enabler. Narcissists seek us out to support their deceitful life. You had no idea of course when you were 18 hooking up with him (at which time he was already a wise and practiced 28 year old liar. You didn't have a chance of knowing that! And, women are raised to believe in fairy tales which don't help in being able to see the reality of a situation.....) Seek counseling for yourself ASAP. Join a codependent 12 step group or womens group. Consider even joining a 12 step program for Love Addiction/Sex Addiction. You need people to talk to. Also continue to vent online. You need all the venting and support you can get to break free from this very bad man. The difference in our story is your husband had a high sex drive and is a cheater. Mine had a low sex drive (that was hell believe me, I suffered in many terrible ways due to his complete lack of desire for sex. 15 years is waaaaaaay too long to live like that, I know that now). One thing you need to realize about sex is that it releases chemicals in your brain that are addictive, even moreso for women than men. It called "Oxytocin", and has a longer lasting effect on women, putting them in a 'bonding' state of mind. Very difficult stuff when trying to leave someone. The Love Addiction/Sex Addiction folks recommend not having sex at all, with anyone, when trying to get yourself out of a mess like this, in order to clear your head and help you in leaving him. I know others would say get yourself a new man, to rebound with. I don't agree with that, I think you should leave men alone for a while and get focused on getting divorced from this one. You will get child support ordered for the teenage children - even if he is not working, a minimum amount of support will be ordered and begin to accrue. File divorce now instead of waiting too long and getting less child support. There are low cost divorce outfits online, such as 'ReliableDivorce.com', etc. Just to name one that comes to mind. There are many out there. You could even get the forms and file yourself after doing some research on the internet. You are not alone, but you MUST seek out the support of others (via womens groups or 12 step groups, or divorce care groups, just google that term) who can relate and help you distance yourself from this man. There is life after divorce in your 40's. The best is yet to come, once you have your head on straight again and you can stand, emotionally, on your own two feet again. Just takes time and support. All the best to you! Edited June 26, 2011 by Forever Learning
Author iriedawta Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Thank you for your much needed feedback. I am in the proess of seeking counseling. We were never married so, thank goodness, I don't have to deal with that untanglement however, I agree about the child support. I can't think of no other way to get him to man up without bringing in the court. That was eye-opening info about sex addiction. I can definitely see how the sex-bond thing can happen and trust me, I don't have a problem leaving it alone for awhile. I had..& admittly still have,..sexual feeling only for him so I don't see myself getting with anyone else. At this point, I truely believe I would have to be in love with another man to take it to that next level. I think I would prefer to be in a group therapy but I'll see what I can find and see what resources my employer can provide. Thank you so much again for your input.
Author iriedawta Posted June 2, 2012 Author Posted June 2, 2012 It's a good thing that I have kept a journal on my rel - or lack of- with this man. My writings have revealed a pattern of break ups & his manipulations to make up. It is almost a year to the day that I am done with him (my last post). I intent to keep it that way. It has been cemented in my head that he is no good for me...just not in my heart. Any suggestions out there that would help me stay committed to healing myself? I feel like I have to grieve/mourn but I always get interrupted by my kids, friends who need help with their issues, life in general. I even tried to find time/space to cry one evening so I went bike riding to a quiet place and just as I was about to let loose, 2 bums showed up wanting to have a conversation (I live in a city). Everyone (friends & family) are happy to see that I kicked him out and they want me to stay strong. It has been 8 days since his departure and I am going thru emotional ups and downs. I am sad but not too surprised that he is not making the effort to try to work things out. The only thing holding me back from contacting him is that I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. I cannot give him that power. I know things will be alright down the road but it's so hard to see that right now. Hopefully he finally realizes that he needs to work on his issues and will take things from there. I feel like a zombie with a heartache.
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