RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I feel so alone right now. Before I had a best friend and a lover and now I have neither. Feels like my ex has shoved me in a box and posted me off to Timbucktoo (sorry for the spelling error) What am I supposed to do without him? Its like he sucked out my happiness and tossed me in the trash.
wilsonx Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Stop dwelling... Move Forward One Day at a time Write down 2 things you want to do tomorrow...tape it to your wall Wake up tomorrow, do the first thing... come home check it off... then do the second thing... You have to make that first step and dont dwell
superchiefs Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I feel so alone right now. Before I had a best friend and a lover and now I have neither. Feels like my ex has shoved me in a box and posted me off to Timbucktoo (sorry for the spelling error) What am I supposed to do without him? Its like he sucked out my happiness and tossed me in the trash. What you need to do is realize that just because he is gone, you will find someone else that appreciates all the great things you have to offer. Before you know it, you will have a new best friend and hopefully one that wont stab you in the back like your last one did.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I feel so alone right now. Before I had a best friend and a lover and now I have neither. Feels like my ex has shoved me in a box and posted me off to Timbucktoo (sorry for the spelling error) What am I supposed to do without him? Its like he sucked out my happiness and tossed me in the trash. I'm sorry Ruined. It's normal to feel this way. They become, and we make them such a big part of our lives so when they're gone, they leave a huge void. It's almost like a death in our lives. All you can do is grieve the loss. I know you feel discarded. It's hard to swallow, hard to accept and hard to believe. Talk about it with your friends and family when you need to. Don't keep it in. But don't dwell. Try to focus on doing things for yourself. Plan your weekend so you are busy and distracted. As you go along you can start to map out things that you need to start doing so that you can begin rebuilding your life again because for the longest time you were probably living your life through him. Allow yourself time to cry, grieve, mope...just a little while though...you don't want to stay there too long and get stuck feeling permanently defeated. You have to keep moving forward. It's hard, I know. But it's a slow process. You have to through it. Post here. Ask for help
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Stop dwelling... Move Forward One Day at a time Write down 2 things you want to do tomorrow...tape it to your wall Wake up tomorrow, do the first thing... come home check it off... then do the second thing... You have to make that first step and dont dwell Ok 2 things to do tomorrow... 1) Discover a theoretical way to travel back in time and change events in the past in order to prevent my break up. 2) Invent a machine or develop a telepathic mechanism which can be used to achieve this time travel to the past. Too ambitious? Ok.. 1) Take anti-anxiety tablets 2) Obsessively read coping with depression and heartbreak self-help advice, watch 'how to get over your ex' and 'how to achieve spiritual enlightenment' videos on youtube.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Ok 2 things to do tomorrow... 1) Discover a theoretical way to travel back in time and change events in the past in order to prevent my break up. 2) Invent a machine or develop a telepathic mechanism which can be used to achieve this time travel to the past. Too ambitious? Ok.. 1) Take anti-anxiety tablets 2) Obsessively read coping with depression and heartbreak self-help advice and watch 'how to get over your ex' videos on youtube. None of the above!
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 None of the above! How about writing a poem and drawing a picture of a robot?
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 None of the above! I have to take my anti-anxiety tablets. Although a side effect is depression and suicidal thoughts. Crazy right?
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 How about...it's Saturday and... 1. Don't lay in bed when you wake up and stare at the ceiling. 2. Get up and get moving. 3. Go to the gym and work out for an hour or so. 4. Meet a friend for lunch. 5. Go watch a funny movie. 6. Go for a long walk. You get my drift. Fill your day so you are distracted and occupied. Map out your day so you're not 1) sitting alone at home and feeling depressed 2) having too much idle time drawing robots and thinking of ex
fetish Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 RuinedLife, i would honestly suggest counseling. I had been going for a while and plan on conitinuing at least another couple of sessions when my counselor comes back from maternity leave. Breakups are very hard. I don't even remember the death of my grandmother hurting this bad and for this long! If you really loved the person, a piece of your heart actually goes with them, that's why the metaphor with the heart with the crack in the middle is the perfect metaphor. You never really think in detail about it until it happens to you. Hang in there. Cry your eyeballs out, journal, get a new hobby, meet friends, go to the gym. All those things are things i've been trying to do. hey geegirl. how long would you say is too long for a person to mope and cry over their lost love?
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I have to take my anti-anxiety tablets. Although a side effect is depression and suicidal thoughts. Crazy right? Good grief! What good does that do!! I'd rather skip the tabs and just deal with the anxiety! Are you taking it because of the break-up? Doctor's orders? Did he suggest counselling or therapy to that?
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 RuinedLife, i would honestly suggest counseling. I had been going for a while and plan on conitinuing at least another couple of sessions when my counselor comes back from maternity leave. Breakups are very hard. I don't even remember the death of my grandmother hurting this bad and for this long! If you really loved the person, a piece of your heart actually goes with them, that's why the metaphor with the heart with the crack in the middle is the perfect metaphor. You never really think in detail about it until it happens to you. Hang in there. Cry your eyeballs out, journal, get a new hobby, meet friends, go to the gym. All those things are things i've been trying to do. hey geegirl. how long would you say is too long for a person to mope and cry over their lost love? I think there are two parts to that. When I say mope and cry just after a break up, I mean almost in a depressive, "vegitative" state. I was that way for about a week. Then almost mechanically, as if your body is telling you it's time to move, I felt hungry. I remember never being hungry for a week. I was living on water and sleep. When I stared eating, everything else started falling in place. I wanted to shower, wanted to clean my house, wanted to go outside...step by step. It was slow, the pain was still there but I was moving. To remember, think, love, feel sad/hurt, miss a lost love, those feelings will be there for as long you want to hold on to them and depending on how this person affected you. The intensity of that grief and those feelings of loss will fade in time but the memory stays. It all depends on how much time you want to invest in your grieving and healing process. The more time you dwell, the longer you take to find that indifference. No one can decide that for you but yourself.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Good grief! What good does that do!! I'd rather skip the tabs and just deal with the anxiety! Are you taking it because of the break-up? Doctor's orders? Did he suggest counselling or therapy to that? I was on anti-anxiety meds before but they made me really sick so I stopped taking them. These new ones I have to take no matter what. I have been told that my parents must monitor me, make sure that I take it twice at specific times as they are pretty strong. At the moment I am considered "critical" so therapists have been coming to check on me every day. Tomorrow could be the last day but they are assessing me to see if I need further monitoring due to my dark thoughts. I am also on the list for CBT but is 4 week wait yet.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 How about...it's Saturday and... 1. Don't lay in bed when you wake up and stare at the ceiling. 2. Get up and get moving. 3. Go to the gym and work out for an hour or so. 4. Meet a friend for lunch. 5. Go watch a funny movie. 6. Go for a long walk. You get my drift. Fill your day so you are distracted and occupied. Map out your day so you're not 1) sitting alone at home and feeling depressed 2) having too much idle time drawing robots and thinking of ex I'm too ill to go to the gym or walk far. I'm so ill I have to spend most of my day in bed or on the sofa, just don't have the energy and I'm in too much physical pain to do much else. Can watch funny movies and TV shows. Don't have any other friends, but have my family around me and therapists have been coming to check on me. Tomorrow might be the last day, but has given me a chance to interact with some new people I guess.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I'm too ill to go to the gym or walk far. I'm so ill I have to spend most of my day in bed or on the sofa, just don't have the energy and I'm in too much physical pain to do much else. Can watch funny movies and TV shows. Don't have any other friends, but have my family around me and therapists have been coming to check on me. Tomorrow might be the last day, but has given me a chance to interact with some new people I guess. I will say, even with all that, you have a good sense of humor. I was chuckling at your responses! I'm glad to hear that you have people around you who are supportive. Lean on them. Just don't be alone. Funny movies is a good start! You have a knack for writing...yes write a poem...a funny one! None of that sad, mellow, sappy love stuff that keeps reminding you of what you're going through.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 You have a knack for writing...yes write a poem...a funny one! None of that sad, mellow, sappy love stuff that keeps reminding you of what you're going through. Yeah I've written some really dark poetry lately. And you're right I used to love writing fan-fiction stuff with a socially unacceptable comedy twist. And I used to have a real flare for tangling convoluted metaphors into my typed out musings and mixing newly concocted wordicles into my flights beyond the thesaurus, but as you can see this heartbreak and depression has zapped a lot that zing out of my zazam. And trying to regain that Caribbean shirt-esk quirk of an eccentric off-the-event-horizon writer has proven frustratingly elusive, leaving only perplexing fragmented nonsense, consisting of sentences that are impossible for even the most fastidious of English literature interpreters to comprehend.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I had to read that several times. English is my second language so it was much needed! Your zing will come back. You're emotionally defeated right now and you've lost what once motivated and nourished you. I'm sure it's added stress that you are not well. I hear the quick wit and humor in your post. Just keep writing. Even if it's not what you hope for, keep at it. It can only get better. If it was there before, it's surely still somewhere in there.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I guess I've always just felt like an outsider. And my ex made me feel like someone valued me, that someone thought I was special, that someone thought I was cool. But now that he's rejected me, that sense of 'belonging' of feeling special has vanished.
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I guess I've always just felt like an outsider. And my ex made me feel like someone valued me, that someone thought I was special, that someone thought I was cool. But now that he's rejected me, that sense of 'belonging' of feeling special has vanished. Why have you felt like an outsider? I think everyone goes through feeling devalued and discarded after a break up. After all, we were put on a pedestal at one point. They made us feel special, beautiful, smart, unique, etc. But just because they're not around to do that anymore, it does not mean that we're not all of the above. It was probably what attracted them to us in the first place. We were all those things way before they even came into our lives. You don't need someone else to give you validation as to what you are worth. You are that person before you he came into your life, when he came into your life and now, even when he is gone. He valued you because you have value, Ruined. You don't need him to show you that or reinforce that. I understand how you feel though. It's almost as if someone was supplying you with emotional and mental nourishment and now the tube has been cut. So you're starving and you don't know how to fend or feed yourself. It takes time. I too feel this way. Sometimes empty and almost withering away. But life was not given to me so that I could latch on to someone else and live it through their thoughts, perceptions and evaluations of me. I determine what I am worth, in every aspect of my life. You determine your sense of belonging, uniqueness and value. Letting someone else have that power and responsibility over who you are will always leave you disappointed. People can view and regard you any which way they want to but at the end of the day, when all that is lost, if you love and value yourself, you're the only person that truly needs to know and believe how amazing you are.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Why have you felt like an outsider? I think everyone goes through feeling devalued and discarded after a break up. After all, we were put on a pedestal at one point. They made us feel special, beautiful, smart, unique, etc. But just because they're not around to do that anymore, it does not mean that we're not all of the above. It was probably what attracted them to us in the first place. We were all those things way before they even came into our lives. You don't need someone else to give you validation as to what you are worth. You are that person before you he came into your life, when he came into your life and now, even when he is gone. He valued you because you have value, Ruined. You don't need him to show you that or reinforce that. I understand how you feel though. It's almost as if someone was supplying you with emotional and mental nourishment and now the tube has been cut. So you're starving and you don't know how to fend or feed yourself. It takes time. I too feel this way. Sometimes empty and almost withering away. But life was not given to me so that I could latch on to someone else and live it through their thoughts, perceptions and evaluations of me. I determine what I am worth, in every aspect of my life. You determine your sense of belonging, uniqueness and value. Letting someone else have that power and responsibility over who you are will always leave you disappointed. People can view and regard you any which way they want to but at the end of the day, when all that is lost, if you love and value yourself, you're the only person that truly needs to know and believe how amazing you are. That my friend is VERY good advice!! I think I need to write that out and stick it next to my bed so that I can read it every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Why have you felt like an outsider? I've always felt like an outsider for as long as I can remember. I never fitted in at school, was always bullied a lot and people often made fun of me and shunned me. I've been an observer most of my life. Just watching other people. But whenever I try to interact and take part in things (i.e. try to make friends, or have a relationship) I seem to always 'mess up' in some way and things go bad. I just feel like no one really understands my way of thinking and the only person I've ever connected with, really been able to share all my passions and crazy far out ideas with, was my ex bf. So now that he is gone, like you say, that nourishing tube supplying encouragement and praise has been cut and I am struggling to survive on any small drops of support I get from people on this forum and from my family around me. I just can't turn on that self nourishing supply inside myself. I've had plumbers round (therapists) to try and fix it. But so far the pipe remains sealed and occasionally some self-love will leak out, a few molecules here and there, but its as if that tap is broken and it'll probably take a lot of work, maybe many plumbers to fix it.
fetish Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 RuinedLife. I may not be in a place to really give advice but I understand. I know how crippling a breakup/heartbreak situation can make you. My and ex and i ended things right before valentines day after 8 years together. Things will get easier. I'm not going to lie to you, i'm still not over it and still feel pain. It's no where as intense as it was in February/March but i have faith that it will get even less intense as time progresses. Another thing that i've learned is that our thinking has a way of making us feel bad about ourselves. You need to quit thinking of yourself as an outsider and start telling yourself that you are likeable, and just as worthy as anyone else. Another thing i've also learned is to stop focusing on your past, bullying, and past failures. You don't need to carry that stuff over to your adult life. Start back by writing your poetry, even in your darkest hour. I'm a songwriter and write poetry myself. Things like this really make your best stuff come out You really should listen to geegirl. She is definitely a 5star poster on here and very strong and supportive. It's funny, alot of things i was reading in her above posts are replicas of things i'm currently reading in a book called "Living Above Your Circumstances" by Bob George. You have worth just being a human. You had value before this guy came in to your life and you have value now. Oh and geegirl what is your first language?
geegirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 RuinedLife, Your first step is changing your moniker! You've already set the tone with negativity. I don't know how old you are but you've decided the fate of your lifetime as ruined even before you've completely lived it! Fetish is right. You need to stop wallowing in the past and allowing it to predict your future. Your life is not set in stone. Stop labeling yourself. You've been putting yourself in this little box labeled "outsider" and there you intend to stay. How about you change that label on the box, better yet, tear the box down and get out of it. You're unique in your own way. Just as how your ex valued and saw your uniqueness, others will see it too. You've focused on his validation and his acceptance so much that you truly believe that he will be the only person on earth that will understand you. But just as he saw it, others will see it too. You just have to spread your wings. I don't even know you and I think you have a great sense of humor and I'm envious of how you write. I can only imagine what it would be like to know you in person. Stop beating yourself up. If you constantly think negatively, you will start to breed it within you. Before you know it, you'll be stuck in self destructive and self defeating thoughts and behaviors. Get back to your writing. What are other things that you are passionate about? What were you involved in or found motivating before you met this guy? Fetish: My first language is Malay. By the way, you're doing great! I'm following you in your posts. Also good to see that you are supporting and giving advice. It's progress. Means that you're now starting to be able to relate your experience to others rationally and realistically, which is a good thing as you are slowly beginning to detach emotionally.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) RuinedLife, Your first step is changing your moniker! You've already set the tone with negativity. I don't know how old you are but you've decided the fate of your lifetime as ruined even before you've completely lived it! Fetish is right. You need to stop wallowing in the past and allowing it to predict your future. Your life is not set in stone. Stop labeling yourself. You've been putting yourself in this little box labeled "outsider" and there you intend to stay. How about you change that label on the box, better yet, tear the box down and get out of it. You're unique in your own way. Just as how your ex valued and saw your uniqueness, others will see it too. You've focused on his validation and his acceptance so much that you truly believe that he will be the only person on earth that will understand you. But just as he saw it, others will see it too. You just have to spread your wings. I don't even know you and I think you have a great sense of humor and I'm envious of how you write. I can only imagine what it would be like to know you in person. Stop beating yourself up. If you constantly think negatively, you will start to breed it within you. Before you know it, you'll be stuck in self destructive and self defeating thoughts and behaviors. Get back to your writing. What are other things that you are passionate about? What were you involved in or found motivating before you met this guy? Wow! Yet another post over-flowing with inspiring words of wisdom! Thanks again for all the support and encouragement geegirl! You are clearly an incredibly kind, caring soul. And I have to hand it to you, you really know how to make people feel good about themselves and realize their inner worth. Which is truly an amazing superpower to have! Although I'm not sure why you envy the way I've been writing lately, as I'm all too aware how poorly some of my sentences have been constructed. Your english on the other hand, is truly remarkable considering that its not your first language! Indeed, if you hadn't told me that it wasn't, I would never have guessed! A lot of your grammer is far better than mine! True my brain has been somewhat addled with medication and sleep deprivation lately, but still you have a very clear, easy to follow and most importantly, comforting, way of writing. And I really appreciate those comforting words right now, as I've been in a very dark place, inside my box of negativity and you've helped give me the strength to try and tare down those walls and break out into the light once more! May take awhile still, but I'm going to try. I feel I've made a number of new friends on this forum and you have got to be one of the most supportive! I wish I could meet you in person too, so I could buy you a cake or an ice cream to thank you properly! For now I'll just stick a 'Thank You Bunny' in here as a symbol of my appreciation - Edited June 11, 2011 by RuinedLife
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Sorry, I know I've just been trying to be positive. But I can't lie to everyone here and myself I just feel so depressed now. I know its ridiculous and crazy and I have my whole life ahead of me, but it just feels like the end. I can't really explain it better than that. My thoughts are just so dark and my feelings towards myself so negative. I don't know how to escape. Maybe if I didn't feel incredibly guilty and heartbroken at the same time it would be easier, but the combination of the 2 is really eating away at my soul and I don't know how to recover that person I used to be. The self sufficient loner who knew how to look after herself and enjoyed life. I don't know how to be that person again. Its like my ex took all that positive energy from me when he left, and I pushed him away with it. Its like I gave him my positive energy and then shoved him out of my life. Why? I can't forgive myself for this, how can I? I've tried, for over 4 months I've tried. I just can't seem to find away to forgive myself, put it behind me and accept that my ex is gone and is never coming back.
Recommended Posts