blugirl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, I need a serious advice. I'm driven up the wall by my overbearing and overprotective mother (yes, I'm the only child). I'm gonna graduate from bachelor degree studies in a few weeks and I've already enrolled into the international internship programme. I wanna go abroad to my SO's city, we never met yet IRL so it's even more important to me to finally see him. I'm not doing this for anyone, I'm doing this out of my own free will. He isn't financially capable of buying a plane ticket and see me, nor am I (as for now) so it's the only way. Yet my mother has apparently different plans for me, i.e. going onto master's degree NOW, her argumentation is that if I don't go this year, I will never complete it which is bull**** because I know I will. But no, she 'knows better', as always :/ So when she heard me just mentioning that I'd like to go on an internship in 3 months' time, she totally flipped and screamed bloody murder that I 'absolutely must continue studies now' and 'it's the stupidest thing you would do now if you went abroad' and she was so furious that I was scared of her :/ Btw, she doesn't know anything about my feelings for the person in another country. That would make the matters even worse. The thing is, I'm working part-time now and I will be able to cover all the costs needed by myself so I'm not financially dependent on her when it comes to internship - but I still live with her cause I don't have enough money now to support myself and move out. Now, I know that I will continue with the internship preapration and will search for jobs available but then.... I can't imagine that I would have to face her one day in 2 months from now on and tell her that I'm going and it's already prepared and she can't do anything about it.... she would probably kill me. I don't know how to deal with her, I never can talk with her calmly because she flames immediately and never wanna even listen to what I say, only repeating all the time what she thinks :/ But I don't wanna resign from my plans, if I told my SO now that we can't meet this year after all.... I don't know how he would react. Maybe he would get fed up? Cause how long someone can wait? I'm feeling so down now =( Should I not mind whatever she says and just run away on the internship? But what then? I'm so lost, please help me. Any advice will be much appreciated. Edited June 10, 2011 by blugirl
carhill Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Congratulations on your completion of your undergraduate studies Now, with due respect to mom, it's time for you to become your own woman. However, there is a price tag for that decision. Can you clarify about your travels..... are they strictly to visit your LDR or are you also going to be interning/working or ?? How long do you plan to stay? TBH, asserting independence like this should be combined with assuming a fair share of financial obligations while living at home in the parent's house. As an example, until I bought my first house, I lived at home and paid rent to my parents. It was cheaper than market rent for an apartment but it was a contribution to the household in recognition of the independence I was asserting. IOW, I couldn't just do what I wanted and make my own decisions unilaterally whilst still depending on my parents for support and expecting them to just roll over on everything. That's not fair nor equitable. Your mom likely fears your failure and/or that you'll slide down that slippery slope into 'whatever' land. Her part is trusting that she socialized you in a healthy way and now it's your time to make your decisions and accept responsibility for them. You're ready for that, right?
Author blugirl Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) Can you clarify about your travels..... are they strictly to visit your LDR or are you also going to be interning/working or ?? How long do you plan to stay? I always wanted to go on a student exchange/internship abroad and now there's a perfect timing cause I could kill 2 birds with one stone: make my dream come true + live in my SO's city for 8~10 months so we can get to know each other well. We've known each other for 1.5 yrs and decided to be exclusive since last October cause our connection is just genuine and can't wait until we can meet. I would be working there and earning enough money to live while I'm there and then when it's done... I don't know, probably I would come back and finish my studies first (though my dream is to finish studies abroad, too.....). But my mum is like, now or never, full stop and she thinks it's my childish unrealistic fantasy and that I won't cope by myself But I can't wait anymore!!! Edited June 11, 2011 by blugirl
carhill Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 If you're thinking of living with a person you've never met nor interacted with in person in real life, that would be a reasonable concern of mine as a parent, especially in another country. A peer might not have such a concern. If you were going to live separately and get to know each other IRL, I would be less concerned. Other than that issue, IMO taking a break from studies to experience the world can be a positive thing, provided you can afford it. Each person has their own path. Hopefully you'll get some other input. There's an LS'er who was in a LDR for a long time and moved to her BF's country to continue her studies whilst living with him. Perhaps give her a shout out and see if she has an opinion or experience to share. You'll need 100 posts or a subscription to PM her. Good luck
Author blugirl Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I would be living on my own there, not with him, I'm not so stupid Thanks for the tip
pincher76 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 If you're able to support yourself, and do not need to rely on your mother financially, than make your own choices. She has raised you, and she at some point has to let you go and grow up and be an adult. You have to make your own mistakes. (or at least have the opportunity to!). I'd say that if it's what you really want to do - than do it. Only you know how your heart feels, and if you're doing it for the right reasons. Your mother may get irritated about it, but ultimately, she loves you and always will, even if you go against her wishes. We all have to grow up sometime!
AudiHax Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 What if you and your boyfriend met up and it turned out that you didn't get on? It didn't feel right in person? Would you still be happy being there on the internship alone, even if you and your boyfriend decided to call it quits? I'm in a situation right now where I feel my parents' opinion matters. Even though I'm an adult, I don't want to disappoint them, but I found that it makes me miserable to keep them satisfied...I finally told my parents about my true feelings for my boyfriend and it turned out that they understood and told me to go for it if it's what I really wanted. I think you should make up your own mind about this. Nobody said that you needed to finish college all in one go. You have plenty of opportunities to go back and finish your bachelors, but you may not have another opportunity to meet your boyfriend or experience life in another country with him. I think you should go and enjoy yourself. Your mom will be upset, but she will get over it once the reality of your plans sets in and the realization that you're growing up and making your own decisions.
creighton0123 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I hope you have a great graduation. Your mother is incorrect here. There's nothing wrong with taking a year off between undergraduate and graduate studies. There is a deeper psychological issue here, I think. It isn't that your mother is so desperately afraid of you ruining your life. You obviously wouldn't be. The end of undergraduate studies usually coincides with the time when a parent becomes less of a parent and more of a friend - it's when you start seeing your mother and father as individual adults rather than as "mummy and daddy". At the same time, it coincides with her needing to stop looking at you as a child and start looking at you as an adult. Tell her to get some plants and develop a green thumb. That's one good way to fill the empty nest. My advice: Make the choice that feels right for you. Once you're on your feet and successful, go back to your mother and laugh about her reaction with her over a glass (or bottle) of wine.
Author blugirl Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 What if you and your boyfriend met up and it turned out that you didn't get on? It didn't feel right in person? Would you still be happy being there on the internship alone, even if you and your boyfriend decided to call it quits? Yeah, I always wanted to go there anyways so it would be fine for me either way... besides I'm a risk-taker so I just will keep going until I am where I want to be I hope you have a great graduation. Your mother is incorrect here. There's nothing wrong with taking a year off between undergraduate and graduate studies. There is a deeper psychological issue here, I think. It isn't that your mother is so desperately afraid of you ruining your life. You obviously wouldn't be. The end of undergraduate studies usually coincides with the time when a parent becomes less of a parent and more of a friend - it's when you start seeing your mother and father as individual adults rather than as "mummy and daddy". At the same time, it coincides with her needing to stop looking at you as a child and start looking at you as an adult. Tell her to get some plants and develop a green thumb. That's one good way to fill the empty nest. My advice: Make the choice that feels right for you. Once you're on your feet and successful, go back to your mother and laugh about her reaction with her over a glass (or bottle) of wine. Thank you I think so, too. Sometimes she would say otherwise but I can see she would love to stay near me for the rest of my life and the more she clings to me, the more I am desperate to fly far away and live on my own. *sigh* I hope I can resolve that issue for good someday. Hopefully it's gonna be like you said
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 oh your mom just don't want to lose you, i guess...and maybe this is her way of telling you this. when i was telling my parents about my plans going to Japan before they were dismissing it, thinking it's not going to happen. but when i got the job, they freaked out and told me scary things about Japan (well one of 'em happened XD). though your situation is a bit different, i think your plan is more of to know the person you love. if it's hitting 2 birds with one stone, then hell it's pure win! my parents have known me to be stubborn so i always go with what i want but they know if i fail or anything, i will be able to bounce back.
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