dcdabe Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 This is going to be a long post, there's lots of details and lots of things have happened all which are pretty important IMHO. I thought about posting here at the start of things but I thought I would be able to make it through myself. I'll try to keep things in chronological order, just a keep some kind of sense to it. I struggle with grammar so if anything doesn't make any sense then let me know. I've done some really crazy things as part of this break up which I'm not proud of and I know that they were wrong at the time I wasn't thinking straight, a bunny in headlights if you will. I love my wife dearly, I've analysed the situation, been to therapy, read books and I'm still at a lost as to what to do. I have laid out how I feel in front of me and have objectively looked at the situation. I'm made sure I'm doing what I'm doing for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. I.e. I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife because she is the one, I believe that we can have a happy, fulfilling and in a loving relationship once more and not because I want to have control over her life again. So on to the story so far. My wife is 27 & I'm 29, we've been together for 7 years, 3 or which have been married. For the past 2 & half years our lives together haven't been easy and there have been some very HIGH highs but also some very LOW lows. I noticed a change in my wife’s behaviour, she would want to go out more and more, sometimes 4 nights in a row without us ever getting any us time. We went through this process many times where she would find a new guy friend and their friendship would become so intense that I felt threatened and we would argue that this wasn't appropriate behaviour for a married women. I was happy for her to have friends as I think it's healthy in a relationship, but when your wife is driving 100 miles to see one person and not telling you about it something doesn't add up. Previously to this I had caught my wife arranging to meet up with guys on the internet but she told me that she never followed through with it which caused a lot of distrust in the relationship, I ended up checking her phone etc. In October last year my wife met a new (old) friend, she knew this guy 10 years ago but never really spoke to him. Their friendship grew and they would regularly meet up in their group of friends. I had started to be included in this, we went all went out together, had them round the house for party / movie nights and I thought everything was going good. At the start of the year I confronted my wife about her job, she has a part-time job where she can choose how much work she does a month, she had gradually lowered her income to a point where we (as I felt) wasn't pulling her weight. I said that I wanted her to get a job with a fixed income so that we weren’t living from month-to-month. This turned in to an argument where she burst and said that for the past 2 & half years she hadn't been happy. She listed a lot of things that, The main ones being: I didn't listen to her, I didn't show her I loved her, I didn't help out around the house enough, I pressured her too much for money and we didn't do enough as a family. We said that we would try and work on things and we did, I thought things were getting better. I had made changes, so I would help out around the house, do the washing, cleaning & spend more time doing fun things as a family. So fast forward to the end of February, we would still argue but we were making progress, we had sought the help of relate (relationship counselling) and had an appointment booked to help us deal with things. I found out that she had been inviting the her male friend round the house with out my knowing (despite me confronting her evidence of someone else being in the house), she told me that he had come round every day for the past couple of weeks and had been going with him to pick up our daughter and doing all sorts of activities together. To the best of my knowledge (and she is adamant that) they never slept together. We talked about what had happened and said that we could still work through things and she agreed that she'd keep in in the loop with things that were going on in her life and that she wouldn't lie. The next day I found out that her and this guy went swimming together with our daughter. I was devastated, after the whole conversation the night before I really felt like we had gotten somewhere, I felt betrayed and upset. So I left work early and went home to wait for them to come back. I had planned to be reasonable at this stage and talk to my wife about why she didn’t' stick to our agreement but after I saw the two get out of the car I just lost it. We argued and I shouted at and asked asked did she want to remain married or did she want to carry on with this behaviour. She chose her friends. As a result of her choice I felt I had no other I had no other option other than to leave. I was so hurt that she hadn't chosen me, I wanted her to see her how much I did bring to the house as I didn't feel I was valued. So I took the car, setup maintenance payment and that was it. she had a part-time job but that no where near covered the rent/bills. After being moved out for 4 days I realised that this wasn't the right decision, I missed my daughter & my wife so much and I wanted to work things out. I met my wife at the house and talked to her she was adamant that she did not want me back, she felt relived that she could now do what she wanted when she wanted and be free. She told me that I should get on with my life. This is when her male friend swooned in on her, and gave her everything she needed. He lent her his car, bought her shopping, comforted her when she was upset etc. He took her (and my daughter) on a holiday for a week. Then the big thing came, she asked him to be her lodger, she couldn't afford rent by herself and he was looking for a place to live (as he has just split up with his wife). This was all after only a month of me and my wife being separated. In fact the decision for him to move in was made only 2 weeks after I left. My wife and I went to our counselling session where a lot of things about our relationship came to light, I realised that my behaviour in the relationship too was unacceptable. There were times when she would stop me from leaving an argument by standing in front of the door and I would shove past her. There were times where I made her feel guilty for going out with her friends. For the past 14 weeks I have been an emotional mess, dealing with out being with my daughter and the one I love for not to want to be with me. At the same time I've been trying to concentrate on myself. I have sought therapy for my behaviour, I've start swimming to get in shape and I've been doing my photography. I've also made tons of new friends which have helped me through this time. I've used the time to reflect on my marriage and my relationship with my wife and think about what was good as well as what was bad and I am positive that she is the one I want to be with, she is an amazing women, we would always laugh together, we would have great conversations, we loved the same thing, we bounced off each other and there were never dull times, our likes complicated each other and we were a solid parental unit and our core values aligned. We had differing beliefs with money and friendship but overall the majority of the time we were in love and happy. Around 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she did not see any way for us to work, she felt so angry of all the horrible things that had happened, not only the horrible things that I had done, but also what she had done and she just couldn't see past it. I told her for that to happen that I would need NC between the weekends that I didn't have our daughter. Up until that point I was calling every day to speak to my daughter, of course my wife and I ended up talking as well. I told her it was so I could come to terms with what she wanted. I managed to stick to the NC, she text'd me a couple of times asking how I was but that was it. The day I was due to pick up my daughter for the weekend my wife and I had exchanged some nasty (not too bad, but bad enough that I could tell we were both rubbing each other the wrong way) texts in the morning. I went to pick up my daughter, and a couple of things I saw made me upset and I was on edge. My wife and I ended up arguing and I shouted at her in front of her lodger and Ellie. She then asked me to leave and come back in half an hour, which I did. I was distraught, I hadn't seen my daughter for 2 weeks and here was my wife preventing me from going on our weekend together. We managed to sort things out and I took my daughter for the weekend. I told my wife that the NC between two weeks wasn't working for me and I'd like to put my daughter to bed a couple of nights as week, she agreed and that was that. This Monday my wife told me that she and her male lodger friend are now going out. They had been doing things together, then went to a theme park together, the pub, they would go shopping together. To say this devastated me is an understatement. Not only because of the fact, but because I now looked over all the things that happened and see that they were heading to this point. Whether consciously or not. She was so emotional When she told me, she was crying, half of me thinks that she was doing this to save face, but I like to think that after 7 years of being together I know how to read her and she looked genuinely upset. She told me that she doesn't know where things are heading with this OM now, she never wanted our family to be broken apart and that makes her really upset still. At the same time she said that she was relieved that it was out in the open. When she told me, instead of my instinct behaviour to go crazy and tell her that I knew all along I was strong, and I bit my tongue and accepted it, I was upset but I said (and truthfully so) that all I want is for her to be happy and that is the most important thing to me. If I can't make her happy and this man does then so be it. I left and went to be with my thoughts/cried for a couple of hours. I then called her to see if she could talk, she said yes so I went to see her. I told her that regardless of what she told me I know that there's still something special for us and we still have a chance, she said that may be but right now she wants to see where this goes. The last thing she said is that she hopes we can move on & focus on my relationship with Ellie. I didn't sleep Monday night, I was to emotional I sat on my bed just thinking, I decided to write her a letter and buy her some flowers. She text'd me to say she had got them but put them in the bin after she read it as it was making things tough with the new OM. I told her that I couldn't make this easy for her because I still know that there is a lot worth saving. A couple hours later I sent her a text in a desperate attempt to remind her of the good times, I reminded her of things we had done that were fun, she replied to it stating the horrible things that followed after wood And said that whilst there were good times there were bad times too. We had agreed the previous week I would go round Wednesday to put my daughter to sleep, so even though I was hurt and upset I wanted to do this for my daughter, the thought of going in to the home where I used to live a happily married life was daunting to say the least. I managed it for my daughters sake and enjoyed putting her bed. After my wife and I ended up talking, nothing heavy just had fun, talked about fun stuff, tv etc and generally just had a nice chat rather than arguing or things being stressed. Thursday night she called to chat, she had seen a car I photographed and wanted to tell me in that conversation we talked about good memories and other good times she again said that she didn't know where things were heading with this OM. In the conversation she said that how nice was it was to just chat and have fun, she said it remind her of the 'old me' and of the things likes about me and not the things she didn't like. She said that I'll always be in her life and she doesn't regret anything because I gave her the most amazing gift, our daughter. Just a couple of key points which I think is probably worth mentioning. When my wife and I started going out she had a boyfriend at the time, she broke things off with him and we started going out pretty much straight away. 5 months later she was pregnant with our daughter. So I guess is karma coming round to bite me and I should have seen it coming My wife does not like to hurt people, she finds it hard to make difficult decisions and will always look to someone else to make those decisions. She does not like things being complicated. The advice I'm seeking from you experts is how's the best way to reconcile my marriage with my wife. I know she still loves me, I can see it in her eyes when we see each other. I want to be the one that makes her happy and I want our family unit back together.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Dude, I am going to be blunt here: You are being used. Your wife is using you and your emotions against you. She is manipulating you and you are letting her. Your marriage is over. I am sorry to be so blunt on this but it is needed. There is no reconciliation. It is obvious by now that she has been cheating on you for sometime and is using your own emotions against you to justify your behavior. You have nothing to be sorry about, I don't think you did anything wrong in your marriage. Of course you yelled at her, she was abandoning you and your daughter and going out partying with men. What man wouldn't yell at their wife if she did that and then lied about it? I think you need to prepare for divorce, otherwise she is going to walk all over you as she has been doing for the past several months. You need to close all joint bank accounts, and all credit cards, anything that is in both your names you need to close and cancel and keep the cash yourself. You need to get a bull dog lawyer and tear her apart. She has no remose for what she has done, she has been cheating on you for months and you allowed it. Now is the time to take back your pride and self respect as a man.
EgoJoe Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Emotional manipulation is real and you need to do some research. That gut feeling you may have had isn't premonition it's your sub-consciense alerting you to something awry. Call her out on it. Do what Collegeguy says and then file for divorce.
Nantucket1984 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 dcdabe, I already made up my mind about your story only halfway through. All the advice you have been getting so far is right on the dot. You seriously need to leave her. You have done NOTHING wrong in my opinion. NO ONE likes being lied to, used, manipulated. You did nothing wrong. You even fixed what she wanted you to do and she was still doing things a married woman should not be doing. Do not think this is the end for you, do not settle. If you stay then you are telling her that everything she is doing is okay. If you stay, your going to have a million questions going through your head when she is "at the store" or "at work" or "with her girlfriends." That is not a way to live a life. Who knows why people do the things they do. They see all these soap operas and shows on TV where its all about sex, money, hook ups, etc but thats not reality. No offense, but she is not a good person and if I was in your shoes I would divorce her right now. I know your hurting but your are in for a life of hurt if you continue a marriage with this woman. Please leave.
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