Taking a relationship to the "next level"

[vsmini]

The issue of cohabitation and marriage reminds me that commitment is key. And I shouldn't move in with somebody because it's convenient.

 

EXACTLY! I live in NYC and moving into a new place with my boyfriend is tempting as all hell. With our combined income we could comfortably live in a really nice BK/NYC apartment. DAMN! That takes some self control. NYC realestate will drive couples to do the damndest thing.

 

I sound like Shaun-dro now

[Ruby Slippers]

What I've noticed from my friends (male, female, married or in serious relationships) is that when they feel like they've found "the one" (though we hate using that term) they have a very strong feeling of calm. No drama, no pressure on the future (but no slack either) I've been to a couple weddings in the last year or so and this theme of calm seems to come up again and again.

I have heard this many times, too -- that with the right person, it feels EASY. No drama, no second-guessing -- just a feeling of calm confidence that it's right, and an almost effortless flow of good energy.

[allina]

Cee, I think you should just go for it and have the time of your life

[tigressA]

I'm not sure that "commitment" is the issue unless Cee wanted to get married... and she doesn't... so that is not really the issue. They're not having kids either. So what does commitment mean in this context? It means dealing with problems directly in the relationship as they come up, not shoving them under the rug, not dealing with them passive-aggressively, or looking for ways to get "out" as soon as they hit any speedbumps.

 

Since they don't want to get married/have kids, I don't really see a huge issue with moving in together at 6 months. But I would make sure that financially both keep enough independence so that if things don't work out, neither is in a situation where they have dug in so deep they can't negotiate a split.

 

If I recall, I moved in with my ex at 9 months, and we got engaged 3 months later. I don't think we moved in together too soon at all, he was practically living with me anyway.

 

I do also think it takes a long time (longer than 6 months) to really know someone very well, but my thought on that is in most instances, it's really hard to get to know someone well enough to ensure you can stay with them through thick or thin.

 

Let's face it -- most courting is done: without kids, without day-to-day daily grind, with romance and dinners and ski trips and vacations. Even if you've been dating a couple of years without living together you're not going to really see EVERYTHING about a person. No matter what--love is a risk and there is no way to completely safeguard/protect against eventual relationship failure. So that's why I think there really should be a strong foundation of love, attraction (both physical and mental needs to be there) so that you can say to yourself: I will give this my all --through thick and thin.

 

I love this post. I agree with all that's in it.

[youaretheone]

People can change after marriage. Living together and dating each other from time to time are complete different things.

 

My parents are divorced because they realized the other does not show their true self when they are dating. I am not blaming any of my parents as the reason for divorce, but I observed that people could be an angel before you marry and could reveal their dark sides when you settle down and wear the ring.

 

My father's advice to me, which I also take to be correct, is to live with the person you want to marry before you propose to them. It is a great way to see if you can really have a family with them. Otherwise, it is too late after you wear the ring and put your signature. (I am not even talking about making a child afterwards and discovering that the other person is totally different from what is seen from the outside.)

[Cee]

OliveOyl wrote:

 

No matter what--love is a risk and there is no way to completely safeguard/protect against eventual relationship failure.

 

^That is truly brilliant. That is the absolute truth. And eventual relationship failure happens to the vast majority of couples. Even the ones who have good relationships. Relationships have a shelf life and often wither. And death takes the rest.

 

I promised myself when I met my BF that I would savor every moment and enjoy the relationship however long it lasts. It's been the happiest months of my life. But it's still a one day at a time thing. I must remind myself of that.

[Dan The Stud]

cee youre over 40 and you dont get teh basics? id only go with you if you were super hott.

[Stung]

 

I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above?

 

 

My experience has been to combine a little of both. I am simply an evolver, and I make the next step if it's what feels right, but within some practical limitations. For example, I would never move in with somebody if I didn't have the resources to move back out and support myself if everything went awry.

 

For what it's worth, I am a HUGE believer in living together before marriage, and I moved in with my now-husband after we had been dating for only six months (although we had known each other as friends for about a year before that). I was moving back to a very expensive area I had thought I would never return to after six months of whirlwind long distance love craziness, and was a little concerned that I might have lost my mind, but it felt right and I knew sometimes you just have to jump. Sometimes things just--fall into place. However, you have to have the good judgment to be able to recognize those times and know when it's right to jump and when it's better to pack up and go home.

 

Do you trust your judgment?

 

If you do, why even ask us? We don't know jack.

[alexlakeman]

In my case, it was from necessity/convenience more than anything else,

 

Not a good reason to move in.... then again, see below, lol

 

I'm on a month-to-month lease so I can leave whenever I want.

 

I want to ask about what the next level feels like?

 

I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above?

 

I would not move in at this point with him since he's moving to a new place. Make sure it's not for cash flow, but only you know that... I lived with an ex gf for 3 yrs, and we actually moved in together after 3-4 months, it was "supposed" to be temporary when I had sold my property, until they finished the new property...and we ended up together for 3 yrs at my place, .. go figure.. IF I would have thought LONG TERM moving in, I certainly would've said no way..

 

How did it feel like ? We were very much alike, it felt great, she was neat as I am, organized, same taste in how to keep the place, we liked the same foods, had the same schedule.. just little details I didn't take for granted, but some might.

 

Finances? I gave her a set amount (average) that covered the basics, including groceries.. after that it was "go with the flow", never an issue about $. It ended for other reasons

 

FAST FORWARD a few years...

 

My last serious gf , we were together for about a year, and I was seriously considering it after the 5-6 month mark as something to look into down the line.. Why? We got along great, and we seemed to spend more and more time at each other's place, either I'd be 3-4 days at her place or she would be at my place 3-4-5 days...so our lives were just morphing together on their own... I know I could've done the "moving in" at that point, But I f)cked up and didn't... So, go with the flow, if it feels right, do it..

 

BUT, are you guys comfortable enough that you've shared income, expenses, debts, etc?

 

Good luck

 

Some studies show that married people that lived together before marriage get divorced more often that those who maried withou prior cohabitation.

 

Do you have a source for those studies? Was it a university in the states? Let me know, I'd be interested to review it.

 

I wouldn't move in with a guy until there was a marriage proposal in place.

 

Depends on the age of the couple...When younger, say under 30 and never married? yes I agree.. if not, just move in and take it from there..

[alexlakeman]

cee youre over 40 and you dont get teh basics? id only go with you if you were super hott.

 

 

Wow, for a new troll.. I mean user, you sure have made a lot of constructive posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=16237783

[Dan The Stud]

Wow, for a new troll.. I mean user, you sure have made a lot of constructive posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=16237783

 

since you cant get girls like i do you call me a troll. thats rich. go back to your computer and masturbate to porn.

[Stung]

cee youre over 40 and you dont get teh basics? id only go with you if you were super hott.

 

She's one of those "super hott" 40-pluses who generate such magnitude of wicked sexual heat they burn the parts of lesser men down to nubs.

 

I wouldn't stand too close if I were you.

[Cee]

Alexlakeman & Stung have delivered on the useful guidance based on lived experience.

 

It's nice to start a thread not sure what I advice I need and then get some great practical wisdom. The apartment discussion happened on Thursday and it's been shelved. It was interesting to test out the idea of a long-term future with my boyfriend, but it's not the time yet.

 

I like Stung's idea of letting things evolve. I follow the concept of doing "the next right thing." I prefer small steps for now, which includes getting to know and enjoy this person for right now.

 

Love, love, love that someone hurled a comment about me being 40+. I'm the first to joke about my age. That's because I'm confident in my youthful energy, wisdom developed from making colossal mistakes, and my hawt-ness (of course).

 

I know none of have any real answers, but it's fun to kick around ideas on this forum. I have come to feel at home here and I've learned so much.

[alexlakeman]

Your welcome, cee..

 

One other thing.. I have always preferred and still do, for the woman to move into MY place vs me move into hers.. I rather be the dumper vs the dumpee out in the street if things go wrong...NOT that I think negative, just reality. Then again, the exception the recent g/f I talked about , I probably would've moved into her place, lol..

 

AND if I were to rent somewhere with a s/o, I would make sure I could pay it on my own if they bail out, I don't want to be stuck with a huge payment I couldn't afford myself...

 

The thing about moving into someone's place is will I feel like a visitor? Will I be able to say it's MY/OUR place, knowing full well its really THEIR place... and I'm just a long term guest?? Lots to think about.

[Stung]

Well, let's not take those studies too seriously, since there are numerous factors unaccounted for in them, things like age and religious beliefs--many couples who marry before cohabitating do so for religious reasons which they take very seriously, and which also prohibit divorce. And many cohabitating couples are very young, and idealistic, and just beginning to learn the skills and tools they'll need to use to keep their next relationships. One other interesting thing to note, is that divorce statistics have been going DOWN in recent years and those studies are potentially old news in social science time.

 

I lived with a few different serious boyfriends before I lived with my husband, and that is WHY I'm such an advocate of cohabitation. If I had married those fellows instead of just living with them for a year or two--honestly, while they were good enough people on the whole, I shudder to think of being married to them, as I learned first-hand why it would simply not have worked. Sometimes it was more to do with me than them, but it was an impenetrable dissonance nonetheless, and I'm so grateful I didn't have to suffer through the dissolution of a marriage to learn from my mistakes and part amicably. Having lived with him for a few years, my decision to marry my husband was a well-informed decision based on real experience as his partner.

 

I also could not disagree more that you can truly know someone after, say, a year of weekend dates and a few vacations. It's just not the same, unless perhaps the person is pretty one-dimensional. A complex personality can take years to explore, and the fact is that people exhibit different sides of themselves when under different pressures and stimuli. After several years of living and parenting with my husband, we do know each other pretty well--and yet we are still figuring out what makes the other tick, at one and the same time.

 

But I'm not sure any of that is really relevant to THIS discussion. I admit I skimmed, but I don't think Cee is waiting and hoping and circling pictures of sparkly rings in magazines and writing her name as Mrs. Cee with bubbly hearts all around it in pink ink.

Edited June 11, 2011 by Stung

[alexlakeman]

It takes a minimum of two years to know someone.

 

Based on what, Sherlock?

 

My ex wife divorced me after 14 years.. SHE had no clue I was cheating on her throughout all the years, AND I had NO clue she was going to divorce me... and it was past your "minimum two years" mark.