Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Yesterday, I tagged along while my boyfriend looked at an apartment. By the way, the place is a huge 2BR on the first floor of a house. It had this amazing backyard for gardening. We then got dinner at his favorite watering hole. And he started to tease me about my complaints about aspects of his neighborhood. I loved his teasing because it showed we had gotten to the point of ease with each other. And then he commented that I guess I wouldn't consider moving in with him. We then talked about moving in together. It wasn't a long conversation and basically I said, yes, I'd move in with him in his apartment if/when the time was right. I was teary-eyed when we talked because I was moved by how well our relationship is going. I slept over and I had insomnia (not related to the talk, another issue). I sat in his living room and began to think about moving in with him. And to be honest, I drew a complete blank. I have no idea how people "know" when they are ready to move things to the next level. I have no understanding of this issue. I basically use time as a guide. On moving day in August, we will be together for 6 months. So how do people get to the next level? Do couples have discussions, do they do personal soul searching, and/or you simply evolve into the next level? I'd love to hear your thoughts. This is an exciting time and I am in uncharted territory.
Janesays Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I wouldn't move in with a guy until there was a marriage proposal in place.
tigressA Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 From what I experienced, and what I know of other couples, there's usually a talk beforehand. Someone's lease is ending soon, there's insane roommate drama, you finally have enough for a down payment on a house, you're talking about marriage, there's a desire on one or both sides to cohabit that's brought up because it feels like "it's time". I think you should just take your time with it. If the topic comes up again, by all means talk about it. Talk about it as much as you need to--your expectations, contributions, etc. You'll both know when the time is right. If I remember correctly you don't want to be married again, so the common 'moving in with no ring' dilemma isn't a problem for you, yes? Anyway, I'm very excited for you!
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Too soon. Also - if you want marriage one day and you see it with this guy...make sure the future has been discussed and you can tell with sound judgement that he is serious about the relationship moving forward. There are no guarantees but I've seen countless women move in with their boyfriends really thinking it will lead to marriage and never does. You might get the famous "things are fine the way they are, why ruin them?" kind of routine.
Jazzari Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I think using time as a guide is a mistake. You should use your heart as a guide. I know a couple that met and were married within weeks. Scary as that sounds, its been 20 years and they are still going strong. Others don't take the plunge for a couple years and do equally well. I'm really happy for you. Sounds like things are going great!
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Six months is not enough time to know a person. It takes a minimum of two years. This is relative of course.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 24 months is more than 6 months. hmmmm - are you sure?? Of course it is. I was saying that your statement of "it takes a minimum of two years to know someone" is relative. That doesn't apply to everyone.
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) I think using time as a guide is a mistake. You should use your heart as a guide. I know a couple that met and were married within weeks. Scary as that sounds, its been 20 years and they are still going strong. Others don't take the plunge for a couple years and do equally well. I'm really happy for you. Sounds like things are going great! My heart is telling me that if things continue to stay the course, this man is it for me. I have a decent amount of relationship experience and this feels very right. Instead of red flags, this man gives green lights. The main hesitancy I have is I don't want to mess up a good thing by stressing us too much. So my heart tells me not to move in August. But, I could consider a move a bit later, maybe December. I'm on a month-to-month lease so I can leave whenever I want. I appreciate the comments from everyone. I want to talk about more than time frames though. I want to delve into this issue a little more deeply. I want to ask about what the next level feels like? I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above? Edited June 10, 2011 by Cee
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 From what I experienced, and what I know of other couples, there's usually a talk beforehand. Someone's lease is ending soon, there's insane roommate drama, you finally have enough for a down payment on a house, you're talking about marriage, there's a desire on one or both sides to cohabit that's brought up because it feels like "it's time". I think you should just take your time with it. If the topic comes up again, by all means talk about it. Talk about it as much as you need to--your expectations, contributions, etc. You'll both know when the time is right. If I remember correctly you don't want to be married again, so the common 'moving in with no ring' dilemma isn't a problem for you, yes? Anyway, I'm very excited for you! Yes, I don't plan on getting married again, nor having children. My BF agrees 1000% on that. In fact, he told me he didn't want children before I told him I didn't. I do consider him a potential life partner. I want to spend my life with him.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 My heart is telling me that if things continue to stay the course, this man is it for me. I have a decent amount of relationship experience and this feels very right. Instead of red flags, this man gives green lights. The main hesitancy I have is I don't want to mess up a good thing by stressing us too much. So my heart tells me not to move in August. But, I could consider a move a bit later, maybe December. I'm on a month-to-month lease so I can leave whenever I want. I appreciate the comments from everyone. I want to talk about more than time frames though. I want to delve into this issue a little more deeply. I want to ask about what the next level feels like? I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above? What I've noticed from my friends (male, female, married or in serious relationships) is that when they feel like they've found "the one" (though we hate using that term) they have a very strong feeling of calm. No drama, no pressure on the future (but no slack either) I've been to a couple weddings in the last year or so and this theme of calm seems to come up again and again. Yea - that's pretty vague and I'm sure is different for many people. maybe that helps
allina Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I moved in with a bf (now my husband) after dating for just under 6 months. At the time I was 23/24, and it was a bit of a leap in faith, but it felt right. We were on different schedules at that time but still spent most nights together. One day I think he just said "want to move in with me" and I said "ok." I know that many people on LS will preach the don't move in till you're at least engaged but I think you should do what makes you happy. Most couples getting married today are already living together. Personally, I think that learning how to run a household as a team builds love, trust and understanding, I'm for it. Maybe I'm biased because I'm now very happily married to the guy I moved in with
tigressA Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I appreciate the comments from everyone. I want to talk about more than time frames though. I want to delve into this issue a little more deeply. I want to ask about what the next level feels like? I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above? In my case, it was from necessity/convenience more than anything else, although we did love the idea of seeing each other every day and sharing our lives in this way. Many people--including me--would say it was "too soon". We both worried a bit (it's normal!) and I was stressed out at the time over some other things, but we were mostly really excited. We talked a lot, about all our feelings. Once we got my stuff in his place, it felt totally right. There have been a couple of bumps in the road but overall, it's been wonderful. Like vsmini said, a strong feeling of calm. We didn't talk much on expectations until after I moved in, but everything worked itself out. It may seem a bit chaotic at first, but you'll naturally fall into a routine that works. Thinking about it now, it's perhaps a good idea to just let certain things fall into place naturally. If you try to structure it too much before moving in then there's a greater sense of expectation, which can lead to disappointment. IMO, you'll have a really good sense of how things will be if you just pay attention to how things are now and have been. I paid a lot of attention to how things were between BF and I when we stayed with each other on weekends, how he kept his apartment, how he spent his down time, how he spent his money--his habits, basically. And I had to decide along the way if they were compatible with mine (they are). Things have stayed pretty much the same, with a few tweaks to fit current circumstances.
allina Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above? You just decide that when you think of home, that picture includes your SO. You should follow your heart but do discuss money and expectations with him. Will you be splitting the rent and bills? How much are the expenses? What are your and his expectations on cleanliness? Having friends over? Time together/alone time? Also, what does moving in together mean to you? Does it mean a proposal is to follow? Talk about this stuff, make sure you're on the same page, or at least ok with your SO's point of view.
Shadesofgray Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Cee - You and I are in the same boat as far as how long we have been dating. I have lived with other boyfriends in the past..and it very much felt like I was playing house. Since you are not planning on being remarried..I don't really think that issue would apply to you. However, I have personally decided that I don't want to move in with another boyfriend unless there is a marriage date set. That doesn't mean that's how it should be with everyone..that is just how I decided to do things. My reasoning behind it is..I don't want to ruin something great. I am so happy with my current boyfriend and definitely see a future with him. I think because I have a solid living arrangement currently..(and he just bought a house) that there is no rush to move in together. Sometimes I feel like it would be more convienient because we both are very busy and it would provide time for us to see each other we wouldn't normally have... My advice though is just to not jump into it. Make sure it's very thought out before you do anything drastic that could change anything. If he's the one..he will be around and there is no rush.
allina Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Some studies show that married people that lived together before marriage get divorced more often that those who maried withou prior cohabitation. Yes, everyone knows that. However it's been shown that living together is NOT THE CAUSE of divorce.
snug.bunny Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I suppose statistically and logically, it would not be the wisest choice to move in with someone you've known for such a short period of time. However, there are couples who have known each other for shorter periods of time, moved in together, and have a successful relationship. Then there are couples who have been together for a longer period of time, then decided to move in together as the next level. Some of those relationships lasted, others dissolved. I do think it is far better to know the person for a good amount of time and enjoy the relationship in it's new state, before cohabiting, living with someone is wonderful but also brings a completely different dynamic to the relationship and can stir up things that may be fragile to a brand new relationship. Whatever you decide, make sure you've given it a realistic review, discuss with each other the finances involved and how those will be split/handled, and keep the emotional dynamic separate when doing so, because money can be the number one argument factor when living with someone. Household chores and living style are also things to take into consideration. Good luck with whatever you both decide!
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) This thread is great. I'm learning so much. Yeah, I think snug.bunny nails it by saying why rush? My relationship has been evolving on its own anyhow. Pierre makes a good point about not repeating past mistakes. My failed marriage was a rebound relationship in which I eloped with a guy who was my polar opposite. But I learned from it. Vsmini brought up the feeling of calm, and omg, that is exactly it. I feel so calm with my BF. He feels like home to me. Thanks allina for sharing your love story. I guess I need to take a leap of faith and not worry about the outcome. As for the marriage business, I'm not into it. But if he insisted we get married, I'd be fine with it. But no wasting money on rings, dresses, receptions, etc. I'd rather put the money into a bank account and save up for a big trip or the motorcycle he's been eyeing. Or maybe invest the money for retirement. I like to be practical rather romantic. Edited June 10, 2011 by Cee
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Yes, everyone knows that. However it's been shown that living together is NOT THE CAUSE of divorce. Well, that's not really true. There hasn't been any evidence that it is NOT the cause or that it IS the cause...but there's a very real correlation.
Jazzari Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I really want to know how you all know when you are ready to take a big step like moving in together. Do you follow your heart? Do you talk brass tacks like finances? All of the above?With my late husband, the heart came first and foremost. There was never a shred of doubt about what I wanted and when I wanted it - NOW! LOL! But we did have other considerations. I had to think about my 6 year old son and he had financial concerns. When he accepted a job that was several states away, we married. As hard as I tried, there wasn't much thought that went into the decision. I needed and loved him desperately. I'd never been so soul deep sure of anything in my whole life. I knew I was going to marry him from day 1. I've been with my current SO for 6 months. I can see it leading to marriage but I'm not ready just yet and I don't think he is either. There is still alot to learn about each other. We haven't had a fight yet or seen each other through bad times. There are no financial concerns and I would be willing to relocate to be with him. He is playing it slow and cautious (which I'm fine with) and I'm still heart sore from losing my husband. When I can give myself 100% to him, then I will be ready. We love each other and are happy together. For now, that's enough.
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Wow, Jazzari, I didn't know you lost your husband. I'm tearing a little bit right now because my mom was a young widow, too. The anniversary of my Dad's death was 2 days ago. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences on love and commitment.
Jazzari Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Wow, Jazzari, I didn't know you lost your husband. I'm tearing a little bit right now because my mom was a young widow, too. The anniversary of my Dad's death was 2 days ago. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences on love and commitment.I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I feel for you and your mother. I hope she is doing well - it's a shattering experience. My husband has been gone for 1 year tomorrow. And I've been with my SO for 6 months exactly today. I feel like celebrating today and yet almost sick with grief about tomorrow. Ugh.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Divorce rates and living together before marriage: Well, that's not really true. There hasn't been any evidence that it is NOT the cause or that it IS the cause...but there's a very real correlation. My friend is a therapist and is doing massive studies on this. It dosen't mean that her research is the end all be all but....there is one major thing that people keep saying. A lot of the divorced couples decided on living together BEFORE future committment/marriage was ever seriously discussed. A lot of them felt like they got married "just because it was the next step." and didn't put all that much thought into it. Which makes sense. They didn't want to break up or move out...so...get married. I'm sure that's a huge factor for many.
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I feel for you and your mother. I hope she is doing well - it's a shattering experience. My husband has been gone for 1 year tomorrow. And I've been with my SO for 6 months exactly today. I feel like celebrating today and yet almost sick with grief about tomorrow. Ugh. Wow, the first anniversary of a death is so significant and a time of grief and reflection. I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad has been gone for 21 years. I was an adult (20) when he died, but my little sister was 7. She suffered the most because she had the least amount of time with him. I don't mean to threadjack my own thread. But I like to share about my Dad. I still love him and feel he's with me at all times.
Author Cee Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 The issue of cohabitation and marriage reminds me that commitment is key. And I shouldn't move in with somebody because it's convenient.
OliveOyl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I'm not sure that "commitment" is the issue unless Cee wanted to get married... and she doesn't... so that is not really the issue. They're not having kids either. So what does commitment mean in this context? It means dealing with problems directly in the relationship as they come up, not shoving them under the rug, not dealing with them passive-aggressively, or looking for ways to get "out" as soon as they hit any speedbumps. Since they don't want to get married/have kids, I don't really see a huge issue with moving in together at 6 months. But I would make sure that financially both keep enough independence so that if things don't work out, neither is in a situation where they have dug in so deep they can't negotiate a split. If I recall, I moved in with my ex at 9 months, and we got engaged 3 months later. I don't think we moved in together too soon at all, he was practically living with me anyway. I do also think it takes a long time (longer than 6 months) to really know someone very well, but my thought on that is in most instances, it's really hard to get to know someone well enough to ensure you can stay with them through thick or thin. Let's face it -- most courting is done: without kids, without day-to-day daily grind, with romance and dinners and ski trips and vacations. Even if you've been dating a couple of years without living together you're not going to really see EVERYTHING about a person. No matter what--love is a risk and there is no way to completely safeguard/protect against eventual relationship failure. So that's why I think there really should be a strong foundation of love, attraction (both physical and mental needs to be there) so that you can say to yourself: I will give this my all --through thick and thin.
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