Millard Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) I've been living with my SO for about 2 years now, and sex has REALLY fallen off the agenda. Like with other couples, we used to do it a lot. For us, it was about 3-4 times a week or so.. and now I'm lucky if I get it once every other month. I don't believe we've done it in about 6 months now. He's 31 & I'm 23. Before, he would initiate it a lot because I was a virgin & didn't know what I was doing. Then eventually, it became less & less until he just didn't want to do it anymore. I figured, maybe it's my time to try to initiate it once in a while. So, I've tried everything from being subtle to just outright saying that I wanted to make love to him. After futile efforts of getting nowhere, last night he finally told me that I came on too strong... So, I go from not getting your attention at all to coming on too strong? What's your problem? We've talked about possible issues since forever - about stress, going to the doctor, eating better, exercising more... but of course he doesn't want to eat better even though I'm the one always cooking..(I cooked him a nice meal the other day & I get "Did you forget I didn't like rice?" not even a thank you...) he doesn't want to go to the doctor or exercise to get in better shape, and I've given up on trying to do to the same for myself. I still feel sexy, but I have put on 10-20 pounds of weight since he doesn't seem to want me anymore. (Trust me, I still look good believe it or not ) I was sooo mad last night when he said I was coming on too strong.. All I did was give him a massage I thought the biggest problem was that he's ALWAYS preoccupied with TV & computer games, so I told him that maybe we should turn it off once in a while and get reacquainted with each other.. He doesn't even want to do that much. I was so upset yesterday, I think I'm just turned off to sex or anything for that matter..How can everything I try NOT WORK AT ALL?? At first I thought it was my fault because I was inexperienced.. but at the same rate, the guy's gotta like SOMETHING that I do. I've contemplated on cheating, but I know it won't fix anything at home. I'm just tired of being rejected ALL the time. This morning, I told him, "Well, why don't I just worry about myself for a while. I'm having a hard enough time making sure I keep my job, pass school, and keeping the house in shape let alone care about you too." and his response was, "Okay..well, maybe that's a good idea." Um..Okay, I can KIND OF understand why he would say that. Maybe he's stressed because I'm stressed - or maybe he DOES want me to leave him alone for a while - but I don't take it out on him and I try my hardest to make his home as comfortable as I can. But for all the hard work I do, I can't even have a nice evening with him? No, he just plops his ass in front of the TV all the time. I'm at my end. I hate him..and I hate the idea of trying so hard to please him, and I'm tired of "needing to ask for sex" Sure, sex is not the end all be all, but I think it's rather important, and it is bothering me very much. What should I do!? I'm tired of being rejected all the time! And I mean ALL the time!! If he doesn't want me, I can find someone else who might. Even if it's a one night stand..at least then I'll feel wanted for a few minutes - even if I'm JUST wanted for sex. It's better than absolutely nothing. Edited June 10, 2011 by Millard
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 together 2 years and no kids.... Why even bother???? Leave him and find someone who will love you and have all the sex you want. So damn simple......
Kivu Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 You have described my ex. I left him. It was simultaneously the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever done. If you stay with this guy the situation will never change. I stayed with my ex for five years and the situation did not change. Think about it - if you stay with him for another five years, that's five years of sex you are missing out on, and you may be hot now but you're not always going to be hot, so you're missing out on all of that hot sex!!! Get out of there, dump him. Best decision ever!
Author Millard Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Yeah, I figured it would just be way easy to just leave him. Not too easy though because leaving him means moving back in with parents.. Oh well, if that's what I gotta do I suppose..
quankanne Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 you just described my first "real relationship" 25 years ago ... I was a virgin when I met him, learned about sex from him and tried being a good girlfriend, always ready and willing. My guess is that for him, the novelty wore off because sex fell by the wayside after about a year and he began making comments about other women being more attractive, etc., toward the end. as trite as it sounds, it ISN'T you, but his response to your relationship. If you're coming on too strong just by simply being yourself, his brain and heart are already out the door, he's just physically there. do yourself a favor and end the relationship. You've given him the best of yourself, and this is the best he'll ever be able to give you from here on out. You're young, and I imagine attractive – why waste any more time on someone who doesn't appreciate you?
Author Millard Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Heheh, you're right, Quankanne. I feel bad because I believe things will change, but at the same rate it's already been months within a 2 year relationship, why would it change now? I am a good girlfriend.. Almost a wife, really. I cook & clean, trying my best to hold a job AND I'm going to school. Sheesh.
Charger79 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 You're situation reminds me of my buddy's story, he meets his future-ex-wife and they bang like rabbits for six months. I really don't think they saw the sun for those first six months. Eight months later, he moves in with her, and the number of times that they have sex dwindles. A year later, they get married and the sex is a little sporadic. Fast forward to two years later, they both are filing for divorce and the sex is pretty much non-exsitent to this point. I can really only speculate what's going on with him [your boyfriend], but my first guess, he just wanted to take your virginity. And now that he's done that, he's pretty much "conquered" that mountain. There's a reason why he's withholding or withdrawn, and it doesn't sound like he's to willing to offer any words on why. If you done all you can then there's no sense in waiting around; life's too short for crap such as this. You're still young and you sound like you're confident in your looks -- cut ties and find someone that wants to get nasty with you all the time. I mean that last line with the utmost respect.
Loni Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Run. Do not walk, run back to your parents if you have to. 23 is way too young to give up your sexuality.
Eve Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 He just sounds lazy to me. Do something else. Don't waste your love and get rid of the extra pounds. Please girl, it is easy to do at your age. Nature has a way of handing the weight gain you have now as a mid to late thirties present. Imagine another 20 pounds on top of where you are if you don't lose it now. Keep a balanced weight now and you will be able to fight that trial when it comes. Sorry for seeming fickle by focusing on that but all in all, the love you have you MUST protect... and a large aspect of this is your beauty. Lose iyour love and you could end up all bitter and vulnerable. Don't wait for him to make any further desicions. Believe in what you see to be the issue and move accordingly. There is someone able to love you in your future. I found mine and I love him so much and he is able to love me! Go home and get yourself all sparkly again and enjoy your life! Be the best you can be! Take care, Eve x
Author Millard Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Hahah! I agree with all of you who said that I'm too young to hang around with him.. That much is true. I have tried all I can, and sadly..well...we lack in communication when it comes to sex. Almost as if he's a little uncomfortable about it. It might be him afterall, but I can't wait around forever, right? Especially when I offered suggestions to help him already.. Thanks, Eve Your words are inspiring <3 I gained the weight cause I've been going to culinary school, haha! But, I would think that maybe my boyfriend would motivate me to keep my weight down by at least TRYING to act like he wants me or is attracted to me.. At one point in time, I cared more about my weight.. not it doesn't matter to me cause he doesn't care. I also figure that if I can't get rid of the weight so easily, someone else will still love me & be patient as I go through another dieting phase.. Lol!
Just A Joe Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 His loss, not yours. Think of it that way. It sounds like he has already checked out. I feel your pain. I'm in a marriage of more than 15 years and we have done absolutely nothing- no sex or affection in 15 years. I'm healthy and so is she. It has created a gap greater than the Grand Canyon and whole in my heart deeper than the depths of hell. Believe me, you don't want to be there. Don't become the bitter person. I had to stay here while my special needs children become more independent. (One child is not mine.) Others here are right. You do not want to waste yourself on someone like this. Cut him lose, move back in with your parents if you have to. And remember, it could always be worse. Imagine being married to this guy for more than 15 years and going without for five years. Not a pretty picture. Run, don't walk. Good luck.l
dangerstranger Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I know of a lot of men that lose interest in sex, it's often the "female" that is coined as the one that loses interest- but it happens with men too, a lot. It could be that he's lazy, maybe he has a low testosterone count, maybe he's checked out of the relationship and doesn't feel a sexual attraction anymore. Too hard to say. One thing you need to know- it doesn't improve, it gets worse over time. Sex is important in a relationship. You're young, I would suggest maybe dating someone closer to your own age. He doesn't appreciate you, and that's not likely to change either. Time to move on from this relationship. If you have to move back in with your parents, so be it...Do it. Don't stay with someone that doesn't make you happy, fulfill your needs, or appreciate you because it's convenient. Run, don't walk.
Eve Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Hahah! I agree with all of you who said that I'm too young to hang around with him.. That much is true. I have tried all I can, and sadly..well...we lack in communication when it comes to sex. Almost as if he's a little uncomfortable about it. It might be him afterall, but I can't wait around forever, right? Especially when I offered suggestions to help him already.. Thanks, Eve Your words are inspiring <3 I gained the weight cause I've been going to culinary school, haha! But, I would think that maybe my boyfriend would motivate me to keep my weight down by at least TRYING to act like he wants me or is attracted to me.. At one point in time, I cared more about my weight.. not it doesn't matter to me cause he doesn't care. I also figure that if I can't get rid of the weight so easily, someone else will still love me & be patient as I go through another dieting phase.. Lol! So you can cook too?! This guy doesn't know when he is born. I think that we women can over eat when unhappy - I have seen far too many women in unhappy relationships just balloon up. Step away from the biscuits and face up to what you need to do, I say. All in all, there are some men who no matter what you do they just are unable to give their hearts. Always work out whether they are capable of giving their hearts first before getting involved with them on any level, I say. Otherwise they will just try and drain the life energy out of you with their nothingness. You are in the draining process right now. Me? I dropped said personalities in a heartbeat and you know what? I didn't even miss them. Seriously. Run home girl. You know what you want. Don't doubt it. You are not cruel or bad for knowing what you want, especially sexually. Don't carry any guilt. You tried. Once back on safe territory, the weight will come off easily once you put your mind to it because you are young! I know it is fickle but as women we need to keep ourselves good to keep our esteem balanced. Be aware now of this tendancy to eat when unhappy. Loving ones body is really important, its the only one we get! All the best, Take care, Eve x
Author Millard Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Yep. I cook & do a lot for this guy But, I think the next relationship I get into, I won't put out so much of my heart first before deciding to stay with them.. I think that's what burns out the relationship too fast. Is that correct?
Eve Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Yep. I cook & do a lot for this guy But, I think the next relationship I get into, I won't put out so much of my heart first before deciding to stay with them.. I think that's what burns out the relationship too fast. Is that correct? Millard, I can only answer for myself. In this regard I cannot help but be affectionate and give my heart. I think I am just wired this way! I know my relationship now is good because my Hubby aims to move with me towards ways that we can both modify our behaviours. This way nothing really gets in the way of 'us'. Be honest with yourself about things that you could do differently next time around (if it comes to this) but I honestly think that the times such as the ones outlined by you are the times when you get to see the true state of ones relationship. I think it is inevitable and you will need your love in tact to make good decisions for yourself and hopefully with a willing partner at that time. So don't try to modify yourself too too much. Relationships are an interaction. If one side does too much it is not a relationship. Don't waste years figuring this out. Life is very short. Take care, Eve x
LittleTiger Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I missed this thread yesterday but I'm hoping that, by now, you've started packing and are getting ready to move to your parents. Even if you're stuck there for a year, that has to be better that a lifetime without sex!
musemaj11 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Have you ever thought that maybe you suck in bed? The novelty of having sex with a new woman wears off pretty quick.
LittleTiger Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Have you ever thought that maybe you suck in bed? The novelty of having sex with a new woman wears off pretty quick. Wow! I hope you're not planning to ever get married. I pity your poor wife if you do.
Els Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 While I see nothing wrong with Eve's advice for you to lose the 10-20 pounds, I also think that a guy who can completely lose sexual interest in you due to you gaining 10-20 pounds is just not the right guy for you. Hopefully that is not the issue. So what is? I agree that coming on too strong 'could' be an issue. Ie no one wants to be asked in a naggy voice, 'Hey, we gonna do it or what? You NEVER want to do it!'. But you mentioned that you just gave him a massage. Did he accuse you of coming on too strong just because of the massage? If you try not initiating for a couple of weeks, what happens?
musemaj11 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Wow! I hope you're not planning to ever get married. I pity your poor wife if you do. Why is it so outrageous for you that I suggested perhaps the reason he is no longer excited about his sex life with his wife because he finds her boring in bed? How are you so sure that this must not be the case?
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I have been in a similar situation and it changed - but my s/o was much more willing to help out than yours. It sounds like he's depressed, for starters - that could really explain the decline. Print out some information on depression and try to talk to him about it. Ask if there's anything bothering him. Is he stressed out with work (is he working?...I might have missed that part). Is he looking for a job but it's proving fruitless? Has he gained a lot of weight? He's obviously engaged in some lethargic stuff, so I don't think it's out of the question that depression is just clouding him up to the prospect of doing anything at all. Does he have any fears about intimacy - i.e., suddenly he's worried about having kids or something? In my situation, the sex started off slow and continued to be that way for a year (I was a virgin too). He always claimed he was paranoid about me getting pregnant, although we were using two forms of protection. When I started taking birth control (on top of condoms), suddenly he was much more in tune with banging. I think my advice would be to distance yourself a bit after talking to him about depression. Offer to help him get what pieces of his life together that you can - offer to drive him to therapy appointments, etc. But set a deadline for yourself in your mind. Pick a date. It could be in a month, it could be in 2 or 3. But you're resentful of this man - and rightfully so, given that the lack of attention makes you feel like there's something wrong with you - and that will only worsen if his laziness continues. I am sort of stuck between advising you to tell him about your plans (i.e., "I will not stay in this relationship as it is going and I have set a deadline for (x). (X), (Y) and (Z) need to improve and this is how," or just packing up your crap the day of and leaving if he doesn't make his changes. If you do give him an ultimatum, you have to stick to your guns and end the relationship. Good luck. It is not a good position to be in, especially when your partner is acting so selfish and lazy...
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 While I see nothing wrong with Eve's advice for you to lose the 10-20 pounds, I also think that a guy who can completely lose sexual interest in you due to you gaining 10-20 pounds is just not the right guy for you. Hopefully that is not the issue. So what is? I agree that coming on too strong 'could' be an issue. Ie no one wants to be asked in a naggy voice, 'Hey, we gonna do it or what? You NEVER want to do it!'. But you mentioned that you just gave him a massage. Did he accuse you of coming on too strong just because of the massage? If you try not initiating for a couple of weeks, what happens? This is good advice. Bodies change over time - I do think some attraction can be influenced if bodies change a little bit, but 10 pounds isn't much depending on frame size. I've gained 20 or more in the past before people noticed. Try not to initiate for a few weeks. I used to be the primary person initiating in my relationship - and then realized I was trying too hard. When he was -forced- to come to me to get it, suddenly he was much more interested in initiating. Now it's to the point when - ahem, excuse me, men - when it's "that time of the month," he's eagerly asking each day if it's over yet. And try to think of interesting ways to bring him into the bedroom. Buy toys (or more if you already have some). They sell sex board games, too. I ended up making a sex game based off of one I had seen online - we only needed one die. Each number correlated with an act - any act you want for each partner. My partner ended up really liking it, so we play it sometimes. I also started working on an original sex game. I've asked for some of his input. Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget that sexual side of ourselves, and we have to keep it in our lives one way or another - in my case, making sex board games. I have massage oil, so I'll give my partner a full-body massage (that culminates in something he rather likes. *winkwink*) a few times a month. Sometimes just being touched like that is enough. It's not directly sexually threatening or demanding - it's just a massage, and depending on environment and day, it doesn't have to lead to anything more. But it may turn him on enough that he says, "You know what? To hell with this 'no sex' thing."
Author Millard Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 A few of you are getting it backwards. -- I gained weight AFTER I noticed his affection towards me dwindled. Not the other way around. He didn't lose affection BECAUSE I gained weight. It started first with less sex.. I tried, then gave up & stopped caring because he failed to make an effort when I tried so hard. -- New woman or not, I think with me being his longest standing relationship so far says something. So, obviously I'm not THAT bad in bed. If anything, he's worse than me. Let alone that we haven't had sex in a while, I never really was satisfied the times we WERE having sex. I've changed that a bit in him in the sense that he finally started to try foreplay once in a while. But eventually, that stopped too. Perhaps you should ask first before assuming, Musemaj Just because someone else put you down in your suggestion, and now I'm doing the same . This is my thread, and so far you've been incorrect in your "suggestion". --He has been down lately because of financial stress. Since then, I have gotten a new, higher paying job in which I start next week. Maybe over time, he'll get back in gear because we'll be having some good money come in. --I'm taking birth control so there's no worry there In fact, I was so upset at the time I posted this, I haven't been around him in days. Suddenly, he wants to be near me all the time..but something also tells me it's because I've gotten a better job, not because I've been ignoring him. Because of circumstances, it's been hard to pinpoint exactly what it was that made him want me all of a sudden :\ I'm still considering ending the relationship though once I get some money saved up. We'll see if he really changes for the better (something tells me he wont..)
LittleTiger Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why is it so outrageous for you that I suggested perhaps the reason he is no longer excited about his sex life with his wife because he finds her boring in bed? How are you so sure that this must not be the case? I don't think it's outrageous that you suggested he is no longer excited about sex with his wife because he finds her boring in bed. That isn't actually what you said - though I guess it could be what you meant. Finding someone boring in bed is not the same as 'the novelty of having sex with the same woman wearing off pretty quick' - which is the part I found outrageous. If he does find her boring in bed then it's his responsibility to say so and suggest they change things up a bit and try something new. If he's just 'had enough of her' because the novelty has worn off, that's a whole different ball game. Guys who get their sexual kicks out of 'novelty' are usually players and, in my view, shouldn't get married - hence my previous post. In a long term relationship the 'novelty' wears off for women too, but usually the depth of feelings you have for your partner will continue to ignite desire for several decades - if you're lucky and the relationship is good.
LittleTiger Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 A few of you are getting it backwards. -- I gained weight AFTER I noticed his affection towards me dwindled. Not the other way around. He didn't lose affection BECAUSE I gained weight. It started first with less sex.. I tried, then gave up & stopped caring because he failed to make an effort when I tried so hard. -- New woman or not, I think with me being his longest standing relationship so far says something. So, obviously I'm not THAT bad in bed. If anything, he's worse than me. Let alone that we haven't had sex in a while, I never really was satisfied the times we WERE having sex. I've changed that a bit in him in the sense that he finally started to try foreplay once in a while. But eventually, that stopped too. Perhaps you should ask first before assuming, Musemaj Just because someone else put you down in your suggestion, and now I'm doing the same . This is my thread, and so far you've been incorrect in your "suggestion". --He has been down lately because of financial stress. Since then, I have gotten a new, higher paying job in which I start next week. Maybe over time, he'll get back in gear because we'll be having some good money come in. --I'm taking birth control so there's no worry there In fact, I was so upset at the time I posted this, I haven't been around him in days. Suddenly, he wants to be near me all the time..but something also tells me it's because I've gotten a better job, not because I've been ignoring him. Because of circumstances, it's been hard to pinpoint exactly what it was that made him want me all of a sudden :\ I'm still considering ending the relationship though once I get some money saved up. We'll see if he really changes for the better (something tells me he wont..) Relationships shouldn't be this hard Millard. Most people take around 2 years to actually leave a partner once they've started seriously thinking about it. Do you really want to waste that much time? Unless you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with him - just leave, before it gets any more complicated. If you're not ready to 'throw in the towel' right now you could try sitting him down and having a heart to heart - making it clear, in no uncertain terms, what you want from him. Try telling him 'it would make me really happy if....', although I'm not convinced he cares about your happiness from what you've said. You'll soon find out though. You could also try couples therapy or sex therapy, if you can get him to agree to it. What exactly are you getting from this relationship that is stopping you from leaving - apart from a roof over your head?
Recommended Posts