spiderowl Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 The essence of your complaint is that she isn't making you a priority. She isn't, that's true. She should have a balanced life, making time for her work, her family, herself and you. She has a long working day and must get tired. It's no wonder she sees you out after 11pm if she has a half-hour journey to take you home and needs to get up at 7am. Having said all that, you need more and she doesn't. If you have to leave in the evenings, then you can't spend the night with her and that's one way that couples do spend time together, cuddling in bed. She is taking a lot of time for her own needs. There's nothing wrong in that except that you want her to spend that time with you. It sounds like she is 'managing' your access to a certain extent, limiting it. I have done this myself because I've felt I need to wind down and need some time alone but, quite honestly, if I was really into someone, I'd be looking forward to the next time we could be together. I would still need a certain amount of time to myself for chores. In the past, I have felt that guys haven't understood that I have a heavy workload and get tired. Your girlfriend is young though and isn't looking after children too and running her own household, so there are some differences there. Point is, you are unhappy with this level of contact and she's not going to change it. I have a feeling talking about this won't help because she is limiting you. Even if she understands how you feel, will she want to change? All you can do now is to talk about it but be prepared for her to draw the line. One last thought, are you working? You seem to have a lot more free time and energy than your girlfriend. Is that perhaps why you notice her unavailability so much? Just a thought.
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) The essence of your complaint is that she isn't making you a priority. She isn't, that's true. She should have a balanced life, making time for her work, her family, herself and you. She has a long working day and must get tired. It's no wonder she sees you out after 11pm if she has a half-hour journey to take you home and needs to get up at 7am. Having said all that, you need more and she doesn't. If you have to leave in the evenings, then you can't spend the night with her and that's one way that couples do spend time together, cuddling in bed. She is taking a lot of time for her own needs. There's nothing wrong in that except that you want her to spend that time with you. It sounds like she is 'managing' your access to a certain extent, limiting it. I have done this myself because I've felt I need to wind down and need some time alone but, quite honestly, if I was really into someone, I'd be looking forward to the next time we could be together. I would still need a certain amount of time to myself for chores. In the past, I have felt that guys haven't understood that I have a heavy workload and get tired. Your girlfriend is young though and isn't looking after children too and running her own household, so there are some differences there. Point is, you are unhappy with this level of contact and she's not going to change it. I have a feeling talking about this won't help because she is limiting you. Even if she understands how you feel, will she want to change? All you can do now is to talk about it but be prepared for her to draw the line. One last thought, are you working? You seem to have a lot more free time and energy than your girlfriend. Is that perhaps why you notice her unavailability so much? Just a thought. I don't mind the fact that that she wants me out by 11 but the fact that she constantly checks the clock, and she tells me by 10:15-30 that we need to go soon makes me feel rushed and unwelcomed... She usually says it 2-3 times before we actually leave. (Just FYI it's a hour total from my house, about 15 minutes each way. ) Another peeve of mine is she never gives me any weekend days. She reserves Saturday for "sleep" and Sunday for friends. I see she has plenty of free time, yet I have to fight and claw to get anytime with her. Yes I do have a job... but it's early in the morning and I usually don't require much sleep, or I nap 1-2 hours when I get home if I am. Needless to say I still have a lot of freetime. Also.. as I said.. I'm starting to know less and less about her life. This is the part that bothers me. Our relationship has stalled and taken a step backwards. Edited June 11, 2011 by P&R
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Just got a "I'm missing you a lot today" text from her. What a farse, it's so fake it makes me want to vommit in disgust.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Grow some balls man. Text her back: I would love to see you tonight
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) Grow some balls man. Text her back: I would love to see you tonight I've done that before; I do it all the time... the results? "I would love to see you tonight too" Then 20 minutes of I miss you's, compliments, and then nothing. Or I would love too but.... I'm just not even going to text her today... I don't feel like dealing with her, she'll just keep up that I miss you talk and I'll end up disapointed, and angry. Edited June 11, 2011 by P&R
snug.bunny Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I've done that before; I do it all the time... the results? "I would love to see you tonight too" Then 20 minutes of I miss you's, compliments, and then nothing. Or I would love too but.... I'm just not even going to text her today... I don't feel like dealing with her, she'll just keep up that I miss you talk and I'll end up disapointed, and angry. I think you need to put your foot down by communicating to her that the current dynamic is discouraging for you. You have wants too, and it's okay for you to express them to her. Avoid curtailing your feelings in order to appease someone, if we don't speak up about things because we may dislike confrontation, it festers.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Then just pull back and don't text her or be cold if you do respond to her texts. When she asks what's wrong, just tell her and don't hold back.
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I think you need to put your foot down by communicating to her that the current dynamic is discouraging for you. You have wants too, and it's okay for you to express them to her. Avoid curtailing your feelings in order to appease someone, if we don't speak up about things because we may dislike confrontation, it festers. Well... I would confront her about it if I didn't do it two weeks ago. I completely jumbled my words and messed the talk up. So her understanding was "so 6 days without seeing me is your limit?" I was talking about her road trips... For various reasons, and events she went out of state for road trips 2 weeks in a row for the weekend. During this time I saw her once every 6-7 days. I told her that it wasn't enough time for me. She came up with so 6 days is your limit? She completely misunderstood and randomly came up with seeing me every 4-5 days. I don't even know where she even pulled this number from. Basically, I'm having reservations about having another talk with her because I just had one. I'm doing a good job playing things off right now but if this keep up I know I won't be able too. What would you do if you In my situation? Just have the talk? I really will come off as needy and insecure if I broach this subject again.
snug.bunny Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Well... I would confront her about it if I didn't do it two weeks ago. I completely jumbled my words and messed the talk up. So her understanding was "so 6 days without seeing me is your limit?" I was talking about her road trips... For various reasons, and events she went out of state for road trips 2 weeks in a row for the weekend. During this time I saw her once every 6-7 days. I told her that it wasn't enough time for me. She came up with so 6 days is your limit? She completely misunderstood and randomly came up with seeing me every 4-5 days. I don't even know where she even pulled this number from. Basically, I'm having reservations about having another talk with her because I just had one. I'm doing a good job playing things off right now but if this keep up I know I won't be able too. What would you do if you In my situation? Just have the talk? I really will come off as needy and insecure if I broach this subject again. If you ask her "so when are we hanging out again", it comes across as you asking her permission to spend time together. If you live close by, why not just stop by to surprise her during the days you don't see each other. Or say something funny like "next Saturday night we are spending together...so make sure you get plenty of rest beforehand"! When I was in a relationship with someone who lived close by, I recall that we would just go over to each others house, sleep over, etc. Or, we would go do things together (he was more so a planner in that department than I was), but it seemed to work out in terms of frequency.
bittersweet memories Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) She works your typical 8 hour day... She just gets up early so she can take a shower, get herself ready, etc, etc. Parking where she works is really expensive so she opts to take the bus instead. (Rant) Right now just to sum everything up I'm feeling frusterated... deprioritzed, and I'm questioning whether this girl even cares for me. That "I need Saturday for sleep" comment she made is what really sets me off. You don't need 24 hours of sleep... Last Saturday she said the same thing and when I asked how her day was she went into specifics about what she did... You want to know what she did? A whole lot of nothing. Another thing she does is always watch the clock. Whats more is on a work night she stayed up until 2 talking with her friend one night. She knew we were hanging out the next day and she was dead when I saw her. When I'm there she always keeps an eye on on the clock. I feel like I'm not wanted, I feel like I'm a burden and an obligation rather than a joy. I talked about this once and what she took away from it was "not to go more than 4 days without seeing me"....... When I said hey when do you want to hang out next? (fyi we only spent 1 day together this week) She said we could hang out Monday and Friday! Really? She made sure to count out exactly 4 days. I'm starting to get angry, really angry and I just need to vent hence this rant. *****delete Edited June 11, 2011 by bittersweet memories
Queen Zenobia Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Is she just not into me or is it just her personality mixed with the fact her dad can't stand to be around people to much? My gut feeling on this is that she knows she's the only game in town and can act accordingly. She sounds like a good girl, which is why she's so affectionate (when she is) but she's also not too terribly interested (which is why she acts distant otherwise). This of course is irrelevant to the real problem here. You don't seem happy with the way things are and it doesn't seem like things are going to change. Only two solutions exist: a) you accept things the way they are or b) you end the relationship. If you're happy, then stay, if you're not well then don't. But do not, under any circumstances stay because she's the only option you have right now. That is not a healthy relationship.
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 My gut feeling on this is that she knows she's the only game in town and can act accordingly. She sounds like a good girl, which is why she's so affectionate (when she is) but she's also not too terribly interested (which is why she acts distant otherwise). This of course is irrelevant to the real problem here. You don't seem happy with the way things are and it doesn't seem like things are going to change. Only two solutions exist: a) you accept things the way they are or b) you end the relationship. If you're happy, then stay, if you're not well then don't. But do not, under any circumstances stay because she's the only option you have right now. That is not a healthy relationship. Oh believe me... I have other options including my ex. I'm not staying because she's the only option I have. She also has options. She was multi-dating so It's not like I'm her only option either. She said before me, her longest time dating somebody was 4 dates.
Author P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 If you ask her "so when are we hanging out again", it comes across as you asking her permission to spend time together. If you live close by, why not just stop by to surprise her during the days you don't see each other. Or say something funny like "next Saturday night we are spending together...so make sure you get plenty of rest beforehand"! When I was in a relationship with someone who lived close by, I recall that we would just go over to each others house, sleep over, etc. Or, we would go do things together (he was more so a planner in that department than I was), but it seemed to work out in terms of frequency. The thing is her dad is the wildcard... As I said... he is extremely introverted and he has trouble staying around people. He likes me but if I come over when he's in his anti-people mood he'll start getting frusterated. She might have plans too... Or what if her best friend is over... she see's her about as much as I do so there is a good chance I would run into her.
heartshaped Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 What I'm so confused about is why are you so determined in staying in a relationship that you are obviously unhappy with? You've tried talking to her and things haven't changed. Obviously, you just would like to see her more than she wants/needs to see you. It just seems imbalanced and I don't know how you would ever reconcile this issue.
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 The thing is her dad is the wildcard... As I said... he is extremely introverted and he has trouble staying around people. He likes me but if I come over when he's in his anti-people mood he'll start getting frusterated. She might have plans too... Or what if her best friend is over... she see's her about as much as I do so there is a good chance I would run into her. I don't know if you're making excuses in general, or making excuses for her. So what if her friend is over? You're her boyfriend, you should be able to go over and see her anytime you'd like. If the father is an issue, what about your house? Or, go hang out somewhere together, if you're uncomfortable with her father's moods.
spiderowl Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Also.. as I said.. I'm starting to know less and less about her life. This is the part that bothers me. Our relationship has stalled and taken a step backwards. I think that's it really. You don't feel you are advancing only retreating. She is keeping you at bay. Reserving the weekend for herself seems bizarre to me if she's into a relationship. I'm sorry but I suspect she's not as into it as you are. If she seems keen to usher you out and is watching the clock then she's not so interested. Quite honestly, I would not be surprised if she starts to be even busier with other things. She is loving when with you but not eager to see you. She is eager to see you leave though. I've been where she is and I haven't been into the guy but not always realised it myself at the time. She will soon. You can do better than have a girl who's only half-interested.
Author P&R Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 No she cares about me... One time she thought I was breaking up with her and her response was tears and stress. She is into me... somewhat but she takes me for granted. I had a talk to her today and she was angry that I didn't respond to her text for the past 2 days. She was also angry because she doesn't know when I'm going to get pissed off at her. I didn't get to explain everything because she was frusterated and shutdown. I approached it in a different way. I said at first I was angry but then I realized something.. "you're somebody who needs space, and downtime to recharge your batteries." Then she asked me why I was mad and I explained what I could until she got angry and shutdown. I think I came off as not looking needy and insecure, which is good but she was livid. It looks like round two will happen sometime in the next two days...
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