skipsy Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 So here is my attempt at a summary of what I'm trying to deal with: I had been dating my college sweetheart of 6.5 years (2.5 of them long distance) until just a few days ago. I ended things, leaving him heartbroken, because I haven't felt totally invested in this relationship for quite some time. I have found notes I wrote to myself from 2 years ago describing things that bother me about the relationship! Between the distance and whatever else, I feel we've grown apart. To make things more complicated, about 3.5 years ago, I became involved in my best friend's older brother. Our relationship literally just existed once a year, when we'd see each other. As cliche as it is, we have pretty incredible chemistry--although it's tough to tell if that's just because we were in a "forbidden" sort of situation; up until a few weeks ago, he was also in a long-term relationship. Him and his girlfriend have since broken up. I am not grappling with whether or not I made the right decision. The ex-boyfriend has called me in tears the last few days (which is quite strange to hear since he is usually a very emotionally closed off individual). He begged me to reconsider and said he would do anything to be with me - even move here! I don't want to make him feel guilty, but on one hand, it feels like "too little, too late"...that would have been great a year or two ago but no longer am interested! He also says that when I am able to move in a year and things are no longer long distance that things would be better. In addition, I do know that if things ever worked out we would have a comfortable life together--he works hard and is very ambitious. The "amazing chemistry guy" on the other hand is not incredibly ambitious with regards to a career which sort of clashes with my beliefs. I am second guessing my decision and feeling incredibly guilty. I of course, also feel guilty for keeping up this charade with the other guy while I was with my boyfriend, though I don't want to tell him as it would totally crush him. I feel quite stupid being so unsure in this decision since I am in the mental health field myself, but hey, I'm hoping some wise people reading this might be able to help! Thanks very much.
ShatteredReality Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Think logically about "amazing chemistry" guy. Is he a logical long term choice for you? The ambition issues aside...what other iddues do you two share or not share?? As for your now ex boyfriend - are you second guessing the break up because you are just used to being with him for so long that now you have to find out who you are again? Basically right now you have to stop and figure out who YOU are - just you, not defined by who you are with or who you WANT to be with...and then think about if either of those men would compliment who you want to be. Now...have you been who you want to be on a permanent basis in either of these relationships? Cheating on your bf - is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? You have a lot to consider, you have a lot to learn about yourself...take some time to think about it. As for your bf...just tell him you need some time to become yourself again. If, in the end, you decide you want him back, then think good and hard about whether you would want to know about the cheating if he had done it. If the answer is yes then you might want to think about fessing up before getting back together. You're already broken up, so I won't go preaching telling him out of fairness or any of that - but I will tell you that if you have guilt you will not be able to give him all of yourself. That will interfere greatly with the relationship as a whole.
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