TearyEyedPride Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 "I just want you to know you'll always be in my heart. I love you. Goodbye" Those were his last words before I entered no contact. I think they're screwing me over because I believe him. I really do. I almost teared up when I typed that. Those words are seeming to haunt me right now... Friday would make my breakup officially two weeks long, and 5 days complete no contact. So far I haven't been going completely bonkers. I think I've been ok. I miss him. I've thought about him countless times during the day. I've checked my phone more times than I'd care to admit, but I think it's normal for me. Sometimes I actually feel ok, which scares me... because it's only been like two weeks. What does that mean? Am I heartless? Am I not really healing? Am I finding someway to mask the pain? I've been thinking about it. I said i'd go into NC to see if I can get over being "in love" with my ex, just to get to a point where we could really be just friends. I think I've accepted that it's over... but something lingers, and it doesn't necessarily hurt alot anymore but it does ache. Maybe i'm over-analyzing? Maybe I'm desensitized? I keep thinking about those words... "I just want you to know you'll always be in my heart. I love you. Goodbye" what if i'm not making the right decision?! I keep telling myself that he dumped me. He ended it. He's been planning this for awhile and is already many steps ahead in getting over me. He's probably relieved... but how can that be the case if i'll always be in his heart? Ugh. Maybe he lied. All the things he's promised me will end up becoming lies anyways. Our future kids... lies... getting married... lies...being the love of his life... lies. All the verbal commitments he made to me are f*cking lies now!! BUT GUESS WHAT!?! I meant to deliver on all of my promises! I think I'm slowly approaching the angry phase. I've been cycling through denial and depression, but I feel betrayed and like there's this throbbing ache in me that no longer stings but is still sore and annoying. Love is supposed to endure and he chose to quit on me after I gave him all my effort, my mind, my body, I let him see my soul and after taking almost three years of my young adulthood... he decides it wasn't good enough?! Ugh I wanna regret it... but I feel bad saying that. I just need a reason to punch someone or something in the face.
dangerstranger Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Hey, sorry you are going throught this. The first couple weeks into my break up were crazy. I was up and down, back and forth, okay one second and not the next. I would have these little moments of clarity where I'd realize how wrong we were for one another- but then that moment would fade and I'd yearn to find that clarity again. NC is the hardest thing to practice, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself. I don't know how I've made it to 3 months without contacting him. Thinking that my ex felt relief I wasn't in his life anymore made me sick to my stomache. I think the reason I have been able to not reach out is because I am afraid he's going to either say he's seeing someone, not answer, or tell me nothing has changed for him. Any of those likely responses would kill me all over again! You just have to take baby steps in the beginning. Set short term goals to help you cope. I even set aside a time in the day for myself to grieve. I wake up in the morning thinking of him, but I'll tell myself- you have to go to work, get everything you need to do settled, then you can come home and have a hot bath and let it all out. The bath tub has always been my crying place, lol. You're going to experience a lot of phases, and it's normal. Believe me, if you can grab those moments where you feel okay about what happened- don't feel guilty about it, embrace those moments! Anger is good too. It's one big roller emotional roller coaster ride- and there is no "right" way to ride it. As long as you get to the end without falling off- you're going to be okay when the ride ends.
california15 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Heey - I'm glad you made it this far NC... set little goals for yourself and keep on! =] And while we may incessantly check our phones, I'm not too worried because I know that will wear off too. And we're similar too because I've been relatively OK and so I wonder if I'm healing or still in denial. But either way, I take the no-crying days as they come. Don't second guess your decision (decision of NC?). This is for the best and look! 5 Days and you said it yourself you're doing OK. The world didn't end when your relationship did(although it certainly feels like that sometimes). you're doing great and you'll be fine
Nohbody Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Everything you are feeling is normal. The only advice I have to proffer (based on my own experience) is to look at what they are doing, not on what they are saying or have said. Actions speak louder than words. You are doing fine, you will get through this.
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