carhill Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Live in the today and accept that the future is largely out of our control. We can take actions or say words today which *might* affect the future, but we have no real way of knowing how or when. Anything is possible. Example: Meeting the parents. If it happens, when it happens and how it happens are merely one path of many potential paths. Taking a past experience and delineating one future path from it describes one path. Certainly it is possible, but it won't be certain and undeniable until it, too, is in the past. A byproduct of this philosophy, I've noticed recently, is that, when things do become more chaotic and are going less fluidly, I feel less anxiety. OK, that's how it's working out. Let's go with that. It could change in ten seconds, but the here and now is something I can work with. I'll deal with things in ten seconds when I get there. Hope the parent meeting goes well. It will go, nonetheless. Nice couple picture in your avatar. Good luck
Ariadne Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 My boyfriend didn't wish me good night last night or good morning this morning, So I texted him and he seemed receptive. I know that I am being irrational, but those sorts of things trigger my anxiety.... You can´t force the guy to write you everyday and do those things because otherwise "you are unhappy" and he should "care." It´s a huge burden and he is going to feel like doing those things is a chore. Good luck with meeting the parents.
Jazzari Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I feel for you. It's hard to control emotions when something is so very important. The problem is that if you give into your fears, you can cause the very thing you are trying to avoid. I don't know how you can control how you feel. But you can control how you express it. Stop saying things to him like "if you break up with me I'll be fine". That's kind of a slap in the face. If you love him, you need to treat him better and not be so focused on your own feelings.
Kamille Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 There's two lines of thoughts here: 1) Digging into why (something which might only make you feel worse): Where are those fears stemming from? Why do you fear it so much? A part of me thinks what worries you the most about it is that you would end up feeling humiliated. Like it would prove to someone (who?) that what you're incapable of relationships. Meanwhile, all it would really prove is that you and your bf are incompatible. However 2) Acquiring skills to cope with the anxiety : You yourself are realizing that so far, your fears are unfounded. So start tackling your anxiety-based obsessive thoughts. Take notes: all the times you thought your bf's lack of communication meant he was pulling back, he actually wasn't. Instead of relying on how a situation makes you feel, start relying on past experiences. The last time your bf pulled back for a day or two, everything ended up being all right.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 OK, we ended up exchanging 12 e-mails today so I feel a bit less anxious. Is he going to have to keep up this level of contact every single day for the rest of his life for you to feel less anxious???
oaks Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 We are going to see a play tomorrow (I payed $200 for premium seats for both of us) and then I am cooking him dinner. So it's not like I do nothing for him. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. What are you cooking?
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 How much time do you two spend together? Part of what relieves my anxiety is that my BF and I both feel like if you really like the other person and want to see them, then it's ok to ask to hang out or to spend every day together. So when he's in town, we spend every night together. (Then we have this long breaks when he goes to see his son. He's a great Dad!) I think people that don't feel such high levels of anxiety don't get it. My BF came over last week and obviously something was "off." I immediately went into worse case scenario in my head and had a complete internal breakdown, tons of panic, felt sick to my stomach. I fought to hold back tears lest I look completely insane. Turns out what was "off" was that he had been having a day full of terribly insecure feelings (panic, sick to his stomach, etc.) We talked for a couple of hours and it helped so much. Granted I had a few tears but after we talked I felt like we were on solid ground. Insecurity like this isn't something people can just turn on and off. A lot of people don't seem to get that here. I assume it goes away with time in a relationship that is built on honesty where both people are invested and treat the other person right. I haven't had that since I got divorced so I haven't gotten back to a place where I feel totally secure with someone. Lord I hope it's possible!!
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Is he going to have to keep up this level of contact every single day for the rest of his life for you to feel less anxious??? Well the problem is....even with 12 emails and texts...she still feels anxious.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Insecurity like this isn't something people can just turn on and off. A lot of people don't seem to get that here. I assume it goes away with time in a relationship that is built on honesty where both people are invested and treat the other person right. I haven't had that since I got divorced so I haven't gotten back to a place where I feel totally secure with someone. Lord I hope it's possible!! You're right. Insecurity such as what you are talking about may not be easily turned off because it's obviously a deep issue. An issue that requires ACTUAL WORK to get rid of or ease. Therapy, logical reflection and sometimes meds......but it's hard and people tend to rather live with their insecurities (and bitch and moan about it) than help themselves. So it's not that we don't get it...it's that the people with serious insecurities don't get it...or don't want to.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 You're right. Insecurity such as what you are talking about may not be easily turned off because it's obviously a deep issue. An issue that requires ACTUAL WORK to get rid of or ease. Therapy, logical reflection and sometimes meds......but it's hard and people tend to rather live with their insecurities (and bitch and moan about it) than help themselves. So it's not that we don't get it...it's that the people with serious insecurities don't get it...or don't want to. I went to weekly therapy for over two years and still work on my insecurities on a daily basis. I'm very upfront when I meet anyone that I am still emotionally needy and that my biggest flaw in my ever present insecurity. I have no idea where ES gets her insecurity, but I know where mine came from. (Thanks exH douchebag.) I've also lost my Mom, Dad, and grandmother in the past three years. When that many people leave for life for whatever reason in such a short span of time (5 years since divorce) no amount of therapy and hard work is going to fix it all the time. I'm sure those who don't "get it" probably don't have such extreme traumatic experiences. It's not like I have the option to change the curveballs life threw my way, so I deal the best I can and keep going.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I went to weekly therapy for over two years and still work on my insecurities on a daily basis. I'm very upfront when I meet anyone that I am still emotionally needy and that my biggest flaw in my ever present insecurity. I have no idea where ES gets her insecurity, but I know where mine came from. (Thanks exH douchebag.) I've also lost my Mom, Dad, and grandmother in the past three years. When that many people leave for life for whatever reason in such a short span of time (5 years since divorce) no amount of therapy and hard work is going to fix it all the time. I'm sure those who don't "get it" probably don't have such extreme traumatic experiences. It's not like I have the option to change the curveballs life threw my way, so I deal the best I can and keep going. I'm sorry to hear about all your losses. I hope things get better.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Well the problem is....even with 12 emails and texts...she still feels anxious. I hear you. ES is broken, and instead of doing hard work on herself, she's expecting this guy and this relationship to fix her. Thing is, life isn't like the Coldplay song...he can't fix her.
Nexus One Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) How to deal with uncertainity about the future? This is how I approach this. I remind myself of the following: "For however long it lasts." What do I mean with that? If a woman sweeps me off my feet in such an intense way that I would start to fear a break-up, then I need to remind myself that I should enjoy every moment with her for however long it lasts. Why? Because if I don't and keep worrying, then I'm missing the very thing it's all about. Another thing is that if someone falls out of love with me and wants to break up, while I would still be in love, then I would deem it better to break-up too, because I'd want the love to come from both sides, not just one side. Who would want to be in a relationship that's a one way street right? So that rationalization would make such a break-up easier. It would still be hard, but easier. So reminding myself of those two things quenches fear about a future break-up sufficiently to enjoy "the now" of it all. Edited June 11, 2011 by Nexus One
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 This is how I approach this. I remind myself of the following: "For however long it lasts." What do I mean with that? If a woman sweeps me off my feet in such an intense way that I would start to fear a break-up, then I need to remind myself that I should enjoy every moment with her for however long it lasts. Why? Because if I don't and keep worrying, then I'm missing the very thing it's all about. Another thing is that if someone falls out of love with me and wants to break up, while I would still be in love, then I would deem it better to break-up too, because I'd want the love to come from both sides, not just one side. Who would want to be in a relationship that's a one way street right? So that rationalization would make such a break-up easier. It would still be hard, but easier. So reminding myself of those two things quenches fear about a future break-up sufficiently to enjoy "the now" of it all. Good advice. We insecure types should beat this into our heads.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 This is a great book that I recommend you read, one of a few that have helped me become very zen and in the moment. I have learned not to be attached to specific outcomes. I feel so strong and balanced right now. It has helped me enjoy dating and all kinds of relationships (friendships, business relationships, etc.) in a much more spontaneous, easygoing, and productive way. I am more productive, energetic, and lighthearted than I have been in years.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 I hear you. ES is broken, and instead of doing hard work on herself, she's expecting this guy and this relationship to fix her. Thing is, life isn't like the Coldplay song...he can't fix her. I told him about my insecurities. I even told him that I am broken. He chooses to stay with me and help me with those issues. It's not about fixing me. We are both making an effort.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 This is a great book that I recommend you read, one of a few that have helped me become very zen and in the moment. I have learned not to be attached to specific outcomes. I feel so strong and balanced right now. It has helped me enjoy dating and all kinds of relationships (friendships, business relationships, etc.) in a much more spontaneous, easygoing, and productive way. I am more productive, energetic, and lighthearted than I have been in years. Thanks Ruby, ordering it now. Sounds like something right up my alley.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Oh and last night I had a girl's night. We went out for few cocktails. Mine and bf's last e-mail was that he will see me tomorrow (today now). So he knew he was not obliged to contact me again. He sent me a text at 10pm "Hey beautiful, how is your night going?" So it's not like all the contact is some huge burden for him.
dangerstranger Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 ES, if you spend your life expecting that the bubble will burst- it's always going to burst. You know why? Because your anxiety is forcing you into thought patterns that send you into insecure mode. When you're insecure, you're likely to become desperate and needy- and you'll push the person away. Self sabotage.... You can't imagine things working out, so you test them to see how much they will endure, yet still love you. Something we all strive for I guess- unconditional love. It's nice in theory, but everyone has their breaking point. You have someone in front of you that is willing to work with your insecurities (believe me, that is rare), but you still question it, you still want more. You have to change your thought process. He's doing everything right, you're questioning it and wanting more security. What more do you want? He's giving you so much. Being chronically needy is sucking the life out of your partner. Men will put up with it in varying degrees- but as I said before, everyone has a breaking point. Accept this guy likes you a ton and dive in.
bittersweet memories Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Was that really necessary? To be honest, I am holding back from posting threads all the time. I wanted to post about 5 yesterday. Don't hold back. That's what Loveshack is all about, plus I enjoy your post. Some of us can relate to some of the things you are going through.
P&R Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I can sympathise with ES so much that it hurts as far as anxietys go.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Yeah, I think that so many people feel this way. Perhaps not to the extent I am, but it is quite common. When I talk to my friends in real life, none call me crazy over it and many are going through the same thing. The only difference in this relationship is that I was open with my boyfriend and told him that I am insecure and anxious and explained why (mainly due to past Rs where I was let down so many times). All those past guys seemed nice at first, only to turn around and lose interest or fade for unknown reasons. Another thing that makes me anxious is that bf told me earlier on that he seriously re-evaluates the relationship at 6 months mark. That's when he breaks up with a person if he doesn't see himself marrying her. The possibility that I will be dumped at that stage is very real
Ruby Slippers Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Humans are prone to anxiety. Honestly, I think at least 25% of the people I see day to day just walking around have major anxieties. And then another huge percentage have low-grade anxieties gnawing at them all the time, I'm sure. I don't think mental health and health in general is enough of a priority for many people, and we have so many distractions from our own inner peace. But anxiety boils down to fear, which is 'the dark side'. You choose love/light or fear/darkness. Relatively easy exercises can help you simply be at peace and let go of your need to control, obsess, and worry. The reason Buddhism is such a helpful philosophy is that it's all about accepting what IS, realizing that ultimately we have so little control over the flow of events in the world. You worrying is not going to change anything -- if anything, it will just make things worse.
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