Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I find it hard to keep free floating anxiety at bay. Realistically, overwhelming majority of couples end up breaking up at some point, especially within the first year. I read break-up forums and scare myself completely. My boyfriend didn't wish me good night last night or good morning this morning, So I texted him and he seemed receptive. I know that I am being irrational, but those sorts of things trigger my anxiety.... It's like every morning I wake up happy that I have him in my life and I am afraid of that being taken away. How do you deal with constant possibility of loss?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Interestingly enough, I fear heartbreak more than death.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 ES I'm also extremely insecure and constantly freak out inside my head about the future. At some point every day I worry that my BF will randomly leave. For reference, we've been together 3 months. I'm so neurotically bonkers that if he even mentions doing something next week my first thought is "If you haven't left me by then." That's ridiculous when I really sit down and think about it. In the past, I have called one of my girlfriends to tell them how I'm feeling. They always talk to me and calm me down and tell me everything is going fine. More recently I've started talking to my BF about it. He feels the same way. I think it's because we were both screwed over by our former spouses. I guess it's good that we are in the same boat because we don't mind to constantly reassure the other person that we are both really in this.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 My boyfriend didn't wish me good night last night or good morning this morning, So I texted him and he seemed receptive. I know that I am being irrational If you know it's irrational and you keep repeating these mistakes then you are doing yourself a disservice in every way. I have an ex-friend that had some extreme insecurity/jealousy issues. She could recognize the problems and admitted that she had them but she did little to fix the problem. She didn't take therapy seriously enough and refused medication when she probably should have taken it. With the way you sound like you live - you might as well be dead ES. You can't enjoy anything in regards to love to it's full extent. You are robbing yourself blind and you're so used to it that you don't truly grasp how incredibly f*cked up it is. One day - when you're actually on your deathbed you are going to really regret these years. It's going to be burning regret too. Nothing is worse than that kind of regret. So get real help and make an effort (a real effort, a gut-wrenching look in the mirror and kick your ass, kind of effort) to get better.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 ES I'm also extremely insecure and constantly freak out inside my head about the future. At some point every day I worry that my BF will randomly leave. For reference, we've been together 3 months. I'm so neurotically bonkers that if he even mentions doing something next week my first thought is "If you haven't left me by then." That's ridiculous when I really sit down and think about it. In the past, I have called one of my girlfriends to tell them how I'm feeling. They always talk to me and calm me down and tell me everything is going fine. More recently I've started talking to my BF about it. He feels the same way. I think it's because we were both screwed over by our former spouses. I guess it's good that we are in the same boat because we don't mind to constantly reassure the other person that we are both really in this. OMG, that is exactly how I feel! We have been together for about the same amount of time. Whenever he makes plans few weeks in advance I silently think (if we are together by then). I even tell my friends and family that. I asked my brother to hang out with us next week, then added "if he doesn't dump me by then". I even once freaked out and pre-emptively dumped him because I had a feeling that he is going to do it first. Last week in bed, I mentioned how silly I was being for pre-emptively dumping him that time and how I am going to be mature about it from now on. I told him "If you break up with me, I will be fine. S$it happens". He was kind of stunned and told me "Honestly, the thought of breaking up with you has never even crossed my mind. I would be a wreck if you left me."....and even with all that, I still freak out when he doesn't text as much or when he sounds less affectionate The thing is, feelings are SO volatile. You can be crazy about someone one day and then start losing interest the next. It happens ALL the time
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 With the way you sound like you live - you might as well be dead ES. You can't enjoy anything in regards to love to it's full extent. You are robbing yourself blind and you're so used to it that you don't truly grasp how incredibly f*cked up it is. One day - when you're actually on your deathbed you are going to really regret these years. It's going to be burning regret too. Nothing is worse than that kind of regret. So get real help and make an effort (a real effort, a gut-wrenching look in the mirror and kick your ass, kind of effort) to get better. Absolutely brilliant.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I told him "If you break up with me, I will be fine. S$it happens". He was kind of stunned... If he's falling in love with you, that would be devastating for him to hear. Why would you tell him that?
Cracker Jack Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) I honestly can't believe you even said that to him. Regardless of what he does, your anxiety will find a way to manifest in some form. It's really ashame that you can't just chill and enjoy your good man. He might begin to get agitated if you continue to show your insecurity, too, so hopefully you'll learn to gain control of yourself. Edited June 10, 2011 by Cracker Jack
thatone Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 you might get hit by the bus tomorrow. he might fall off of a ladder, hit his head, and never wake up. an asteroid might fall on you both. your house might burn down with the both of you in it. there are a million things that can happen tomorrow. if you worry about them today all you're doing is trading good time for bad.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I say a lot of things and so does he. I can't censor myself all the time. I have to be myself and he has to like me despite my flaws for this to work. He now knows that I tend to test him so he has probably taken my statement in the context of a test. And the other thing is, he still hasn't said "I am in love with you". ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I feel like he will never say it.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Have YOU said it? I have no idea why he'd make himself vulnerable like that with you telling him if he bailed/things ended right now you'd be just fine. I mean... gawd. That sucks.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 No, Star, I haven't said it. I REALLY want him to say it first.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 F*ck this. ES is going on my ignore list. She's borderline dedicated-troll. She posts the same stuff over and over again. People give her excellent advice which she blatantly ignores and only bothers to respond to the people that either A. Make her feel good by commiserating with her or B. Hound the crap out of her and be nasty. (I just turned into B with this post right here.) What more could anyone possibly say to her? She likes the attention. We're all supposed to do our little *happy dance* for her when she initiates the phone call when this guy is bending over backwards? My parents stopped doing their happy dance for my achievements after I was potty trained. Now I'm a girl with a backbone and too many good things in her life to give a crap if my phone isn't filled up with codependent texts. Let nature sort this crazy out on it's own. She'll continue to be a spoiled brat that thinks her issues are semi-charming. Let natural selection do its job with this one.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 F*ck this. ES is going on my ignore list. She's borderline dedicated-troll. She posts the same stuff over and over again. People give her excellent advice which she blatantly ignores and only bothers to respond to the people that either A. Make her feel good by commiserating with her or B. Hound the crap out of her and be nasty. (I just turned into B with this post right here.) What more could anyone possibly say to her? She likes the attention. We're all supposed to do our little *happy dance* for her when she initiates the phone call when this guy is bending over backwards? My parents stopped doing their happy dance for my achievements after I was potty trained. Now I'm a girl with a backbone and too many good things in her life to give a crap if my phone isn't filled up with codependent texts. Let nature sort this crazy out on it's own. She'll continue to be a spoiled brat that thinks her issues are semi-charming. Let natural selection do its job with this one. Now you understand some folks' (e.g., me) frustration...
Cracker Jack Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 You want him to say it first? Why does it matter what order it's said? If you love him, just say it. Dang, vsmini! I really liked reading your advice for ES.
vsmini Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine I told him "If you break up with me, I will be fine. S$it happens". He was kind of stunned... If he's falling in love with you, that would be devastating for him to hear. Why would you tell him that? Well this makes it official - the guy she is with is an idiot and would clearly date ANYONE if he is willing to hear a girl he is with talk to him like this. Seriously? What guy with a backbone would want that? Someone who has no other options. That's what.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 F*ck this. ES is going on my ignore list. She's borderline dedicated-troll. She posts the same stuff over and over again. People give her excellent advice which she blatantly ignores and only bothers to respond to the people that either A. Make her feel good by commiserating with her or B. Hound the crap out of her and be nasty. (I just turned into B with this post right here.) What more could anyone possibly say to her? She likes the attention. We're all supposed to do our little *happy dance* for her when she initiates the phone call when this guy is bending over backwards? My parents stopped doing their happy dance for my achievements after I was potty trained. Now I'm a girl with a backbone and too many good things in her life to give a crap if my phone isn't filled up with codependent texts. Let nature sort this crazy out on it's own. She'll continue to be a spoiled brat that thinks her issues are semi-charming. Let natural selection do its job with this one. Was that really necessary? To be honest, I am holding back from posting threads all the time. I wanted to post about 5 yesterday.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Well this makes it official - the guy she is with is an idiot and would clearly date ANYONE if he is willing to hear a girl he is with talk to him like this. Seriously? What guy with a backbone would want that? Someone who has no other options. That's what. He has options for sure. I am actually fun to be with most of the time. I told him jokingly yesterday "I kind of feel bad for you, having to put up with all my c%ap" He replied "Don't feel bad for me, I have never been happier :)" I guess the only good thing about him not saying ILY is that once he says it, he will really mean it.
alethean Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I find it hard to keep free floating anxiety at bay. Realistically, overwhelming majority of couples end up breaking up at some point, especially within the first year. And if this should happen, you will move on with life. Don't worry about it in the meantime, just enjoy what you have. I read break-up forums and scare myself completely. Stop. My boyfriend didn't wish me good night last night or good morning this morning, So I texted him and he seemed receptive. I know that I am being irrational, but those sorts of things trigger my anxiety.... If you know you are being irrational, challenge the irrational thoughts rather than satisfying them... It's like every morning I wake up happy that I have him in my life and I am afraid of that being taken away. How do you deal with constant possibility of loss? Do you choose to embrace every opportunity that life has to offer you? What if you were in a life-altering accident tomorrow? Seriously, think about it.
Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Well this makes it official - the guy she is with is an idiot and would clearly date ANYONE if he is willing to hear a girl he is with talk to him like this. Seriously? What guy with a backbone would want that? Someone who has no other options. That's what. Agreed. Or a guy who doesn't think he has other options or can't "do better," or a doormat with no self-esteem... He sounds like such a good guy, but the more I read about how she treats him and what she says to him, he just seems so...weak, and pitiful.
utterer of lies Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 F*ck this. ES is going on my ignore list. She's borderline dedicated-troll. Let nature sort this crazy out on it's own. She'll continue to be a spoiled brat that thinks her issues are semi-charming. Let natural selection do its job with this one. Oh, you noticed
utterer of lies Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Well this makes it official - the guy she is with is an idiot and would clearly date ANYONE if he is willing to hear a girl he is with talk to him like this. Seriously? What guy with a backbone would want that? Someone who has no other options. That's what. He also contacts her once an hour, writes long letters and eats all her **** without complaining. He's either a saint or an emotional masochist. He's probably even happy that she did called him once.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 OK, we ended up exchanging 12 e-mails today so I feel a bit less anxious. We are going to see a play tomorrow (I payed $200 for premium seats for both of us) and then I am cooking him dinner. So it's not like I do nothing for him. He is meeting my parents next weekend. I am SO SO SO scared. He is only going to be the second guy ever to be introduced to my parents. I am more worried about my parents making a bad impression. My dad tends to lapse into those boring intellectual monologues without caring if anyone listens. My mum gets over-excited and talks about the dumbest things, jumping from topic to topic. It's going to be such a disaster
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