RuinedLife Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) Does anyone else dread having to check their emails since their break up? Terrified that your ex won't have contacted you, or worse, that they will have contacted you to say horrible things? I put myself in a particularly bad position lately as I was trying to keep in touch with my ex as causal friends, but then I went all out last week and virtually poured my heart out to him again. I know it was stupid. Really stupid. But its out there now. I checked my emails last week and he hadn't replied which unsurprisingly brought on one of my despairing episodes. And since then I've been too terrified to check my emails. Terrified of having no reply or a negative reply, saying all kinds of even more hurtful things that I dare not even contemplate. How did my ex become my tormentor? It seems so utterly backward. Once he was the source of all my happiness and now he's the source of all my misery. 3 years we were happy together, best friends, supporting each other through touch times, and laughing together through the good times... and now... his actions or lack of actions terrify me. And his rejections make me feel worthless beyond belief... How could this happen? Edited June 9, 2011 by RuinedLife
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I'm kind of the opposite, I would be sitting there waiting and obsessing for an email, even a negative one would be better than no response. Like, I would plan in advance what time of day is the most optimal for me to get a response and then send an email at that time, and then sit there staring at my blackberry until I get a reply. And if I don't get a reply within like 5 minutes I get all depressed.
ahoy Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I hope I never hear from her again. I get a twisted kick out of watching my phone ring and letting it go to voice mail, then deleting the voice mail. I don't really, I just find it funny that she thinks I am going to open the doors to communication after I've made it quite clear I do not wish to speak to her (at least that's what I think never returning calls or replying to texts/emails would give a clear picture of).
fresh8 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I set up a second email because me and my ex were dating on the down low - hiding it from her family. Since breaking up, I deleted all the saved messages and the messages in my inbox. I then deleted the account on Hotmail. After 2-3 months, I missed her so much and wanted to see if she ever sent me another email so I logged back in, restoring the email. I was a bit disappointed that she didn't send me anything. I then looked at the sent items and looked at one of our past emails. It was the only thing I had kept of us as I've pretty much wiped out everything else... it was nice but sad at the same time. I haven't logged back into that account since then.
Ladyfuzz Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I sit hoping for an email that i know will never come, and if it does come i suspect its going to be a few weeks in the future when he gets off his high horse and realises im not going to come running back and begging for him to take me back and his love, because i so cant live without it . I wait for the day to see an email, but i know that day isnt going to come anytime soon.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I am literally terrified to check my email these days. Its like I have an actual phobia of email checking. Maybe thats a new phobia for the new millennium. What would be the Latin for that?
Mag-Lone-Freak Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I hate checking my e-mail..Yup, I'm definitely that type. I remember when I was still looking for a boyfriend online... At first I'd be like a kid on Christmas morning eager to find a response from my crush on myspace, but after being ignored time and time again AND seeing that he "read" them, I'm now an e-mail phobe. Checking my e-mail is terrifying or feels like a depressing chore. You just gotta buckle up and take the truth. If he doesn't respond or says something nasty, it'll suck but thats the reality. Have back up, if he doesn't respond, e mail a guy who WILL respond Thats what I would do to recover after being ignored. M
Author RuinedLife Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I hate checking my e-mail..Yup, I'm definitely that type. I remember when I was still looking for a boyfriend online... At first I'd be like a kid on Christmas morning eager to find a response from my crush on myspace, but after being ignored time and time again AND seeing that he "read" them, I'm now an e-mail phobe. Checking my e-mail is terrifying or feels like a depressing chore. You just gotta buckle up and take the truth. If he doesn't respond or says something nasty, it'll suck but thats the reality. Have back up, if he doesn't respond, e mail a guy who WILL respond Thats what I would do to recover after being ignored. M Having a reliable back up friend in general is a good way to go. But my ex was my best friend. The best friend I've ever had and I don't have anyone else who would respond, at least not rapidly.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Haven't checked my email in over a week now and I can't bring myself to do it. Even thinking about it causes my heart to race a mile a minute and my stomach to churn and tie itself in knots. What am I going to do? I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack when I think about it and it aggravates my illness, giving me these incredibly painful stomach cramps. Can even make me feel dizzy and cause my fingers and nose to go numb.
Bluebelle38 Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You have to just suck it up. The worst has already happened - he has broke up with you and in the previous weeks has not been in touch. I think you need to bite the bullet and get on with your life. I know it will be baby steps at first but you are giving him waaaaaaay too much control over your life and emotions. It is not healthy. Check your email. If he hasn't replied by now, it is doubtful he will in the near future anyway, and even if he does down the line, you will be further on your way to getting over him and will cope. Your life goes on.
betterdeal Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 You feel sick at the idea of hearing from him. Maybe ask someone you trust such as your mum to access your email for you and to delete any messages from him, if there are any, and to not tell you anything. Or just get a new email account. Start afresh. Do the same with you phone number.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 You feel sick at the idea of hearing from him. Maybe ask someone you trust such as your mum to access your email for you and to delete any messages from him, if there are any, and to not tell you anything. Or just get a new email account. Start afresh. Do the same with you phone number. I would, but I have to see him again at some point as he still has loads of my stuff at his house.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 You have to just suck it up. The worst has already happened - he has broke up with you and in the previous weeks has not been in touch. I think you need to bite the bullet and get on with your life. I know it will be baby steps at first but you are giving him waaaaaaay too much control over your life and emotions. It is not healthy. Check your email. If he hasn't replied by now, it is doubtful he will in the near future anyway, and even if he does down the line, you will be further on your way to getting over him and will cope. Your life goes on. Yes I know life goes on. And I know using denial as a security blanket is not healthy, but I've been really emotionally unstable lately and I don't want to fall apart again. I know I'll have to check it sooner or later, but I am absolutely terrified, its turned into an irrational phobia, like a fear of spiders or something. Some people see a spider in the bathroom, shut the door on it and then are terrified to go in the bathroom until someone else has gone in there and removed the spider. This is a similar thing
betterdeal Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I would, but I have to see him again at some point as he still has loads of my stuff at his house. Is there anyone you can ask to be a go-between? A friend, colleague, parent, sibling? Someone just to arrange and collect your stuff.
light_vader Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Yes it is funny how much attention we still can give to that person, not going on with our lives and basically letting them have the control. Out life is... OURS!! And it's there to be happy, not to cry over something that is over now. I know how you feel, and I know it sucks. But you need to overcome this phobia, I think. You should just go ahead and check it! If you want read the mails if there are any, later on in your life they could be a good source of laughs about how stupid you were at the time being or how one can even get to the point of thinking "I will marry this person", when they were not worth it after all.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Yes it is funny how much attention we still can give to that person, not going on with our lives and basically letting them have the control. Out life is... OURS!! And it's there to be happy, not to cry over something that is over now. I know how you feel, and I know it sucks. But you need to overcome this phobia, I think. You should just go ahead and check it! If you want read the mails if there are any, later on in your life they could be a good source of laughs about how stupid you were at the time being or how one can even get to the point of thinking "I will marry this person", when they were not worth it after all. Yes very true. A lot of my emails could be a source of laughter in the future I'm sure of it. And the whole situation even as both mine and my ex's reactions and responses have been completely over the top at times to what could have been a manageable easily resolvable situation if we'd both just sat down and talked about it. Or better yet I'd kept my anxiety under control and kept my feelings better hidden from my ex. People keep telling me that you have to be honest in a relationship (and maybe to an extent if you do it in the right way) but sometimes its better not to say anything and I said it in the wrong way.
betterdeal Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 Sweetheart, hiding anxiety is like papering over a crack in the brickwork. Phrases like "could have" just means, "didn't". Everything happens for a reason. Now I happen to believe the reason is in the past not the future, but your future is where you're heading, not your past. You can use this time now to work through what causes anxiety and get to know who you are and, when you're ready (and not before) you will have another loving relationship, and it will be better than the last one. You did the best you could with what you were given. You're going to keep doing that. You're hurt, you're confused and you're sad. This is natural. And this will pass. It will take time, but you have all the time in the world. You're lovely, amazing, beautiful, kind, funny, generous, thoughtful, sensitive, wonderful. Remember that. Say it to yourself every day. Say it when you feel worried. It's okay.
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Posted June 11, 2011 Sweetheart, hiding anxiety is like papering over a crack in the brickwork. Phrases like "could have" just means, "didn't". Everything happens for a reason. Now I happen to believe the reason is in the past not the future, but your future is where you're heading, not your past. You can use this time now to work through what causes anxiety and get to know who you are and, when you're ready (and not before) you will have another loving relationship, and it will be better than the last one. You did the best you could with what you were given. You're going to keep doing that. You're hurt, you're confused and you're sad. This is natural. And this will pass. It will take time, but you have all the time in the world. You're lovely, amazing, beautiful, kind, funny, generous, thoughtful, sensitive, wonderful. Remember that. Say it to yourself every day. Say it when you feel worried. It's okay. Thank you! Yes must write those words on a piece of paper and stick it on the wall beside my bed I think. Because I'm always telling myself I'm the opposite of all those things you just mentioned. I have a real problem with internal negativity I think. And since this ugly break up self hatred has become the norm for me. Hopefully it'll get better in time. Has been over 4 months already though and to me it feel like the break up happened yesterday. I can't believe its been 4 months. I just play the events over and over in my head so much it seems like it happened yesterday. My obsessive thinking just perpetuates the situation and drags it out. On the list for CBT which starts in 4 weeks so hopefully that will help me cope better and stop obsessing so much. Also I think about my ex 24/7 like his image has been imprinted on my brain in indelible ink, so that doesn't help. I'm so glad I have this place to come to though. Have made some great "break up buddy" friends here and they have really helped me cope, as I don't have any other friends to turn to in the real world. My ex was my best and only friend. I have family, but they get so fed up of me. I'm sure people on here get fed up of me too, but knowing everyone on here is going through the same heartbreak and post-breakup depression feelings makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
light_vader Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm sure people on here get fed up of me too NOT. Work on loving yourself. I don't know you, obviously, but I'd like to think of you as a great person, with a lot to offer to the world. So never mis-appreciate you, you're better off saying I'm sure people on here will love to hear about my progress Remember, always a positive attitude. Always think of yourself as a great person, not as an annoying one (in this case).
betterdeal Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Thank you! Yes must write those words on a piece of paper and stick it on the wall beside my bed I think. Because I'm always telling myself I'm the opposite of all those things you just mentioned. I have a real problem with internal negativity I think. And since this ugly break up self hatred has become the norm for me. Hopefully it'll get better in time. Has been over 4 months already though and to me it feel like the break up happened yesterday. I can't believe its been 4 months. I just play the events over and over in my head so much it seems like it happened yesterday. My obsessive thinking just perpetuates the situation and drags it out. On the list for CBT which starts in 4 weeks so hopefully that will help me cope better and stop obsessing so much. Also I think about my ex 24/7 like his image has been imprinted on my brain in indelible ink, so that doesn't help. I'm so glad I have this place to come to though. Have made some great "break up buddy" friends here and they have really helped me cope, as I don't have any other friends to turn to in the real world. My ex was my best and only friend. I have family, but they get so fed up of me. I'm sure people on here get fed up of me too, but knowing everyone on here is going through the same heartbreak and post-breakup depression feelings makes me feel like I'm not so alone. See? Happy faces! Go buy yourself some flowers, have a long hot bubble bath, say nice things to yourself. It really does work. "Heal thyself, physician" it says in the Bible. I'm not a believer, but I do believe that. Self-care is first aid. Find things to do that cheer you up, and do them. You will get better.
Fufu Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 I still check my email, though initially I was always waiting for his e-mail. However, I am sick of waiting and I thought to myself, why stop the things I do for someone who already walked out of my life.
Mag-Lone-Freak Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Haven't checked my email in over a week now and I can't bring myself to do it. Even thinking about it causes my heart to race a mile a minute and my stomach to churn and tie itself in knots. What am I going to do? I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack when I think about it and it aggravates my illness, giving me these incredibly painful stomach cramps. Can even make me feel dizzy and cause my fingers and nose to go numb. I've been there! Sometimes I wouldn't check my email for months! I'd have the same feelings, even before going on his myspace to see the date of his last log on...
Mag-Lone-Freak Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Haven't checked my email in over a week now and I can't bring myself to do it. Even thinking about it causes my heart to race a mile a minute and my stomach to churn and tie itself in knots. What am I going to do? I literally feel like I'm having a panic attack when I think about it and it aggravates my illness, giving me these incredibly painful stomach cramps. Can even make me feel dizzy and cause my fingers and nose to go numb. One thing that helped push me to open my inbox sometimes is thinking "well, maybe he responded and is waiting for ME to get back now, so, if I keep putting it off he might think I'M ignoring him and move on.."
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