rafallus Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Question is: would you feel bad, if his brother DIDN'T see you? Well, you probably will need to answer that one on your own and not publicly (I'm quite sure if you say "yes", many here won't believe you).
Author Elisa89 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Uhmmm... my heart certainly wasn't involved when talking to that other guy.
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 But your mind wasn't in your own relationship. It is true that physically the heart isn't the source of love and betrayal.
Author Elisa89 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Question is: would you feel bad, if his brother DIDN'T see you? Well, you probably will need to answer that one on your own and not publicly (I'm quite sure if you say "yes", many here won't believe you). Since my answer to this question is no, I guess, I can answer it here. As I said before, I did not realize that other people would attribute a different meaning to the situation than I did. To me I had a conversation with some random guy, got some attention and that made me feel good. But I never had any intentions to let this guy in my personal space, so it didn't meaning anything to me. It was the way his brother looked at me that made me think about the way others could perceive this.
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 You emotionally moved on to another man even if it was just for the moment and cavorted with him yet you claim to not understand how this is a problem when you already had a man you hadn't properly broken up with? You knew it was wrong before the brother sighted you. You were hoping to let yourself off for this. All the brother's presence did was bring you back down to Earth and reality. Being the lithe mental gymnast you are wasn't going to be enough to get yourself out of this after you were caught red handed. At least you are capable of some shame but you are still dangerous to any guy who would want anything more from you than a ONS.
stepka Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 You emotionally moved on to another man even if it was just for the moment and cavorted with him yet you claim to not understand how this is a problem when you already had a man you hadn't properly broken up with? You knew it was wrong before the brother sighted you. You were hoping to let yourself off for this. All the brother's presence did was bring you back down to Earth and reality. Being the lithe mental gymnast you are wasn't going to be enough to get yourself out of this after you were caught red handed. At least you are capable of some shame but you are still dangerous to any guy who would want anything more from you than a ONS. Oh for heaven's sake, let's just hire a chaperone for the lady so she won't have to worry about controlling her "wild behavior." Cavorted with him? Do you even believe this stuff you're spouting off? The man she's been seeing is not ready for a relationship--he's told her that. When you're in a relationship you're faithful. Until then--well it's not anything goes, but it's okay to talk to other men I should think. Are you really trying to get me to believe that if you were in the same position with a woman and she told you she likes you but isn't ready for a relationship, you would just cut off all contact with all other women anyway? That's not even rational. And confused guy--nowhere in her post did I get the impression that she thinks guy #1 is the bad guy. Not being ready to be in a relationship does not equal bad--esp since he was honest about that fact. I do agree with you that she shouldn't apologize to him though because she didn't do anything wrong and if she apologizes she'll give him the impression that she did do something wrong--something worse than what she actually did do.
ConfusedGuy28 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) It's a lot of "i don't know what I mean" First - You want to go NC because you don't want to be involved with him anymore Then - you flirt with another guy (it really doesn't matter what you're "intentions" were - the road to hell is paved with good intentions) You get 'caught' by the brother - and it's like "damn" - that whole reaction makes me think you're leaving some key component of the story out. maybe you're not. Now - you want to talk to the guy. why? do you want to 'get back together' (even though is his eyes you were never apart). It really doesn't make any sense. If the point is to tell him face to face you no longer want to see him - then fine - and don't bring up the other night. ---------------- On a side note - what the hell happened to everybody? What happened to meeting someone, dating that one person, and not have to set a damn guideline for the entire process "OK - you and me are dating, but not exclusively. No sexual contact, but you can do things over the clothes. Kissing, no tongue. If alcohol is involved, touching under the clothes is OK, but only touching. After 12 weeks of this, I may eventually choose you, or not. Hopefully we get to bang it out at least once and see if we're compatible there. Then we can move to a non-exclusive multiple sexual partners thing......" Edited June 12, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28
Ouroboros Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Oh for heaven's sake, let's just hire a chaperone for the lady so she won't have to worry about controlling her "wild behavior." Cavorted with him? Do you even believe this stuff you're spouting off? The man she's been seeing is not ready for a relationship--he's told her that. When you're in a relationship you're faithful. Until then--well it's not anything goes, but it's okay to talk to other men I should think. They have been in a relationship whether one or the other wants to admit it. They have given up pursuing others for each other until now. She should have broken up beforehand. Are you really trying to get me to believe that if you were in the same position with a woman and she told you she likes you but isn't ready for a relationship, you would just cut off all contact with all other women anyway? That's not even rational. I wouldn't involve myself with such a person. I wouldn't consider them for anything but a ONS and probably not even that. Actually that's a common way for women to jerk around guys and hold on to multiple men. Besides I don't believe in relationships because of people like OP. Most are out for just themselves so are incapable of holding one and lie through their teeth any time the opportunity presents itself.
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Not that casually if she knew his brother and he shook his head in disgust at her behavior. Time out. Her behavior up to this point, was talking to a male she met while out with her friends. In the original guy's defense, he told the OP two weeks after dating, that he had just broken up with his ex of 4 years, two weeks before they started dating. He is most likely not in a position to be dating anyone at this point, and a better approach for him, would have been to cease becoming involved with another person, so soon after his relationship ended. OP's mistake, was ignoring that, and thinking she could handle it despite his "unavailability". I'm in two minds on this one. There is a big risk when it comes to love as is, but even more so, when it involves someone just fresh out of a serious relationship who tells you they are not capable of investing emotionally at this juncture. At the same time, when you like someone, you're not going to want and/or have a desire to start dating a second person regardless of where you are at with the first person.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) Time out. Her behavior up to this point, was talking to a male she met while out with her friends. In the original guy's defense, he told the OP two weeks after dating, that he had just broken up with his ex of 4 years, two weeks before they started dating. He is most likely not in a position to be dating anyone at this point, and a better approach for him, would have been to cease becoming involved with another person, so soon after his relationship ended. OP's mistake, was ignoring that, and thinking she could handle it despite his "unavailability". I'm in two minds on this one. There is a big risk when it comes to love as is, but even more so, when it involves someone just fresh out of a serious relationship who tells you they are not capable of investing emotionally at this juncture. At the same time, when you like someone, you're not going to want and/or have a desire to start dating a second person regardless of where you are at with the first person. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah everything you typed is nothing more than an attempt to invent a scenario to justify a woman's actions because she's a woman, by trying to make it seem like the fault of the person she was being dishonest to. in any given social situation there are clear right ways and a wrong ways to handle something, based on fairness to the other person. the OP was wrong. the end. Edited June 12, 2011 by thatone
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 blah blah blah blah blah blah blah everything you typed is nothing more than an attempt to invent a scenario to justify a woman's actions because she's a woman. in any given social situation there are clear right ways and a wrong ways to handle something, based on fairness to the other person. the OP was wrong. the end. Well, that is your own personal belief and personal opinion.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Well, that is your own personal belief and personal opinion. if i wanted to apply your logic, i could say that you are as bad a person as the OP for trying to help her justify her poor actions, and suggest that you are the type of person that would date a guy for two months, meet one of his family members during that time, then get caught by the family member picking up another guy in a bar. thankfully for you men don't think that way.
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 if i wanted to apply your logic, i could say that you are as bad a person as the OP for trying to help her justify her poor actions, and suggest that you are the type of person that would date a guy for two months, meet one of his family members during that time, then get caught by the family member picking up another guy in a bar. thankfully for you men don't think that way. That's your opinion with regard to "myself", I'm not going to argue against it, simply because we have differing opinions. If you want to discuss the original topic, great, please keep your conclusions about ME, out of it.
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) That's your opinion with regard to "myself", I'm not going to argue against it, simply because we have differing opinions. If you want to discuss the original topic, great, please keep your conclusions about ME, out of it. no, it's not my opinion. it was hypothetical. but i'm glad that you got the idea by getting offended when i suggested it. point proven. Edited June 12, 2011 by thatone
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 no, it's not my opinion. it was hypothetical. but i'm glad that you got the idea by getting offended when i suggested it. point proven. Okay then....
NoMagicBullet Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Elisa, I'm really sorry that you're being beaten up on this thread. You've made it clear that you were only casually dating (in large part, dictated by him and him not being ready for anything serious), there was no committed, exclusive relationship between you two, things haven't been progressing toward a relationship, and nothing happened beyond some flirting and a phone number exchange with the guy at the bar. I was about to bold all of those points, but some of the other posters still aren't listening to what you're saying, and they're not going to listen to me either. They're projecting their own issues and dumping their anger on you and any woman who remotely seems to fit their "Evil Woman" idea. If the genders were reversed and you were a guy presenting this situation with a girl you were dating, they'd all tell you to dump her, move on, and call the chick who hit you up at the bar. You haven't done anything wrong. I understand that you FEEL bad about flirting with bar guy, because you really like the guy you've been seeing, even though it's not going anywhere. And it's not your fault you found out after the fact that this guy had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend. As for events at the bar, this guy approached you, right? But it's kind of beside the point now. Unfortunate timing in all of this. It's great that you took a chance to see where things would go with him, but things haven't moved forward in two months of dating him. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like he's that interested in continuing to see you, if it's been three weeks without seeing each other. Even with a busy work schedule, he'd make some time for you if he was seriously interested. Going NC is the right step at this point. I agree with others that you should tell him, so I'm glad you've arranged to meet Tuesday for that. I hope he won't cancel on you!
thatone Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 and....more sympathy from the hair and makeup aisle. we're listening, we're just not agreeing with you because what you're saying is wrong. flaw of the psychology of female self-justification #324098098: listening does not denote agreeing. there's nothing great about the situation, there's nothing to feel sorry for her about, she was in no way clear, we're not projecting anything you are, your straw man gender reversal notion is false, she did do wrong, it's not about how you feel (which is also fantasy and not reality), it is her fault, there's nothing great about the situation at all, repeating what she said to herself is wasted text, she hasn't done anything resembling the "right step", and pretending to agree with the rest of us in your last sentence is not a free pass. next?
NoMagicBullet Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Forgot to mention, Elisa, in case you didn't know about it... there's a useful tool here on Loveshack that let's you ignore posts from specific users. Click on a user's name to go to their profile, then at the upper left there's a pull-down menu titled "User Lists". Click on that menu and one of the options you'll see is "Add to Ignore List". Click that, and that specific user will be added to your ignore list. You'll see that they've made posts in a thread, but you won't see their actual comments. I use it as a tool of last resort, since it cuts off conversation, but sometimes it's just necessary. Such as when instead of thoughtful advice, even opinionated advice, you get a lot of repetitious, angry abuse from an LS member (or members) deeply invested in only their point of view. You can always take them off the Ignore List later, if you choose. People can be pretty opinionated around here and most will call it like they see it, even if it's not what you want to hear. But sometimes people cross the line. Just because you or anyone here asks for advice does not justify someone using you as a verbal punching bag.
rafallus Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Going NC is the right step at this point. I agree with others that you should tell him, so I'm glad you've arranged to meet Tuesday for that. I hope he won't cancel on you! I hope he does. Not necessarily because she's no good bitch, but because this thing can't work out in my opinion, especially after all that mess.
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