Elisa89 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 So, I went NC with the guy I had been seeing for about 2 months. He just got out of a 4-year-relationship when we met. He said he didn't think it was fair to me to start a new relationship with his issues still mostly unresolved. I waited around for two months, got into it way too deep, he was sweet, loving, caring. But also very busy, we didn't see each other often. Things didn't progress much. I realized that even though I like him very very much I had to break things off. The thing is I haven't yet told him about this decision. Yesterday I went out to a club with my girls. I started talking to a guy, we went to the lounge area of the club, he bought me a drink. We talked and flirted for two hours. He asked for my number, nice guy, all was good. Though I must admit I wasn't really interested and my thoughts were with the other most of the time. So when I decided to leave, I get up and turn around. And what do I see? The brother of the guy I was seeing, staring at me, shaking his head in disbelief. Now I feel like crap. I feel like I cheated even though I didn't even have a commited relationship with the other guy. I had decided to go NC but now I'm thinking about maybe reaching out to him to explain things. But that would be kind of breaking the promise I made to myself... What should I do?
heartshaped Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 How long have you been no contact now? And why did you go no contact without breaking things off?
Author Elisa89 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I actually just decided to go NC(last talked to him on Monday). I have been trying to meet up with him to talk to him about my decision but he cancelled our date in a very rude way. He texted me: "hi. i have to cancel. i have to work late tmw. sorry. hugs". I was majorly annoyed with this. And since he didn't try to reschedule I just thought I might go NC without telling him.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) this is what infuriates men about women. you're so wrapped up in your own justifications for your actions that you never once stop to think about anyone else until there's an obvious consequence to your actions staring you in the face. you knew the first guy was upset about his long term relationship ending. so why would you go hang around with some other guy without telling him? even though you're just dating and only been together for two months, it's not likely that he's having as good a time with the opposite sex as you are, he's the one trying to get over the 4 year relationship ending. common courtesy says to break it off with him before getting involved with someone else. you hadn't decided jack, you know when you decide? when you tell the other person what you've decided. thinking about it + 35 cents will get you a cup of coffee. saying you thought about it is bullsh*t. what would you have thought if you walked into that bar and saw the first guy flirting with some other woman and typing her number into his phone without telling you that he was dating other people? what would your response have been if he told you "yeah i thought about calling you but just said you know what screw it, who cares". then you'd be on here berating him for 'cheating' on you. you did NOT go no contact. no contact means telling him "stop calling me i don't want to see you anymore". you're telling me in 3 days you couldn't send him a text telling him that you're done and gonna go meet other people? or call and leave a message on his phone to that effect if he didn't answer? more bullsh*t. you had time to spend 2 hours with the other guy, but not 10 seconds to send a text or voicemail. try treating people how you expect to be treated, then you won't get nasty looks from friends and relatives of men you've dated when you run into them in public. Edited June 9, 2011 by thatone
heartshaped Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I have to agree with thatone here even though he is a bit harsh, going NC without giving a person a reason why or breaking things off, and then getting a number from someone else is extremely bad form. I don't think anything can be done in this situation now though. Anything you say or do isn't going to be believable so I'd just leave things where they lay. You wanted to break things off anyways now you can be sure they are indeed over.
Alma Mobley Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yes, it would have been better if you had told him about your decision rather than just going NC, but don't feel too guilty about it. I think it's clear from the other guy's actions that he has never really been interested in a relationship with you. You are not committed and he makes little time to see you. It's quite possible he is dating others. I don't think you're not allowed to flirt until you can tell the guy your decision. I would feel differently if this were an actual relationship. But you have been going on dates for two months so that does warrant letting him know you no longer want to date rather than trying to disappear.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I have to agree with thatone here even though he is a bit harshI don't know if "harsh" is the right word...how about "blunt". But yeah, I also agree with what thatone said too. Your actions have consequences OP. Act callously, and people will treat you callously. One more thing... I think it's clear from the other guy's actions that he has never really been interested in a relationship with you. You are not committed and he makes little time to see you. It's quite possible he is dating others. Don't make any assumptions about your xbf, OP...until you know for sure.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Don't make any assumptions about your xbf, OP...until you know for sure. agree, especially since you said you don't see each other all that much you probably don't really know how he feels. just be honest. you can't reject people without rejecting them. if you want to stop seeing someone, tell them. they'll get over it.
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I actually just decided to go NC(last talked to him on Monday). I have been trying to meet up with him to talk to him about my decision but he cancelled our date in a very rude way. He texted me: "hi. i have to cancel. i have to work late tmw. sorry. hugs". I was majorly annoyed with this. And since he didn't try to reschedule I just thought I might go NC without telling him. You went out with a guy for two months and wanted to pull a vanishing act Monday so you could get back on the market and flirt up another guy Wednesday?
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 the reason i was blunt was having gone through the same thing about a month ago. met someone, talked a bit on the phone and via text, she was too busy (in grad school and traveling to go to class every week since she got a scholarship to work on her phd a city away). waited on the semester to end, kept in touch every few days, she agreed to meet up for dinner when she had time. put another date off for the week she suggested, then she cancels. ask about the following week, no solid answer. at this point i know it's just a run around, but i had to damn near beat an answer out of her (theoretically of course). finally she sends these overly apologetic texts that she met another guy before our schedules matched up and wants to keep seeing him. what was so hard about saying that in the first place? would've saved us both a lot of time, would've saved the other date i had from getting a run around about scheduling. it's alot easier to just say what you think.
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Then she wouldn't be able to keep you as an ace up her sleeve.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Then she wouldn't be able to keep you as an ace up her sleeve. exactly. which is what the OP was doing . no need to pretend it was innocent on her part, it wasn't.
oaks Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The thing is I haven't yet told him about this decision. So you had decided to dump him but you hadn't told him yet. If that's the case then either you were still in a relationship with him (because you hadn't ended it with him) or you weren't (because you had decided to, just not told him). If you're feeling like you cheated then you can guess which of these I think applies. Be an adult and tell him you're dumping him.
Ouroboros Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 exactly. which is what the OP was doing . no need to pretend it was innocent on her part, it wasn't. Big part of why I am against commitments. All people are jerking each other around and without a relationship you don't need to pretend you aren't using someone else. Even if that person is running a scam to convince you they care you aren't locked into anything. You are loyal to no one and at the same time can be involved with the many others you like. It is not about being a player or whatever. It is about not being monopolized only for another's enjoyment.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) So, I went NC with the guy I had been seeing for about 2 months. He just got out of a 4-year-relationship when we met. He said he didn't think it was fair to me to start a new relationship with his issues still mostly unresolved. I waited around for two months, got into it way too deep, he was sweet, loving, caring. But also very busy, we didn't see each other often. Things didn't progress much. I realized that even though I like him very very much I had to break things off. The thing is I haven't yet told him about this decision. Yesterday I went out to a club with my girls. I started talking to a guy, we went to the lounge area of the club, he bought me a drink. We talked and flirted for two hours. He asked for my number, nice guy, all was good. Though I must admit I wasn't really interested and my thoughts were with the other most of the time. So when I decided to leave, I get up and turn around. And what do I see? The brother of the guy I was seeing, staring at me, shaking his head in disbelief. Now I feel like crap. I feel like I cheated even though I didn't even have a commited relationship with the other guy. I had decided to go NC but now I'm thinking about maybe reaching out to him to explain things. But that would be kind of breaking the promise I made to myself... What should I do? I actually just decided to go NC(last talked to him on Monday). I have been trying to meet up with him to talk to him about my decision but he cancelled our date in a very rude way. He texted me: "hi. i have to cancel. i have to work late tmw. sorry. hugs". I was majorly annoyed with this. And since he didn't try to reschedule I just thought I might go NC without telling him. To summarize: 1. You decide that the best way to dump your BF is going NC without providing any reason (very classy...) 2. You rationalize this by saying he was "very rude" even though he had to cancel your date for a legitimate reason and apologized. 3. You go out and spend two hours flirting with some random guy that you are not even interested in (though of course, that does not prevent you from letting him buy you drinks...) 4. You think that by "reaching out" to explain your crappy behavior, you would be "breaking a promise" you made to yourself (and of course, you have way too much integrity to break a promise you made to the most important person in the world...yourself) 5. The thought that you might perhaps be acting a little selfish has not even crossed your mind. Did I miss anything? Edited June 9, 2011 by Feelsgoodman
fishtaco Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 If you want to go NC, it is your responsibility to let the other person know. This applies to both men and women. However, Elisa89's behavior is actually quite common, unfortunately. I don't believe it's the right way to handle situations like this, but it is now the norm. So, I've accepted when women pull this type of crap on me. I just shrug and be on my way. But there are consequences for women to set the bar so low that this has become the generally accepted behavior: 1) Even though I accept it, I still lose respect for them anyway. 2) I expect all women to behave this way by default, which makes "not putting all of your eggs in one basket" even more important. So ladies, stop complaining about men multidating, we have to. 3) If it's okay for women to behave this way, then it's okay for me to behave this way too. I keep this one in my back pocket. When I need it, I'll pull it out. Don't complain when I do.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 "hi. i have to cancel. i have to work late tmw. sorry. hugs" He has to work, what a b*stard! If I didn't know people like OP in real life, I would find this story so much harder to believe. Of course, you may actually be hiding under a bridge. To be more useful, go have a chat with your bf so he isn't left in the dark.
Author Elisa89 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I'm not going to defend any of my actions, I already figured that wasn't exactly classy behaviour. No need to tell me this. I'm just going to say the guy has not been, is not and will never be my boyfriend.
thatone Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 so tell him that, rather than letting him hear it from his brother. if you would've simply spent 30 seconds of your precious time to tell him you would have done nothing wrong.
Ouroboros Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 so tell him that, rather than letting him hear it from his brother. if you would've simply spent 30 seconds of your precious time to tell him you would have done nothing wrong. No, it is better for him to hear it from his brother so it won't get whitewashed and he won't buy into her lies. This way he can fully feel the impact of her actions and realize the kind of person she is.
Author Elisa89 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) I've been thinking quite some time about the replies to this and I think this whole story probably needs some explanation. No, I'm not trying to defend myself. I'm just trying to analyze what made me act this way, not that this makes it any better. I actually understand that he has to work, but the way he cancelled was rude(at least, compared to how he usually writes). We haven't seen each other in almost three weeks now. He has to work a lot, so I took a night off since it was the only possibility we would be able to see each other. I was majorly disappointed when seemed to me that he didn't care at all(whether that's actually true, I don't know). I just felt rejected because the relationship didn't progress at all. When we had talked about where things could take us, he said would want a relationship with me down the road, he said he felt we clicked and that he thought the two of us would work very well. But over the two months these for me turned out to be just pretty words, though he kept making plans for our future. And I'm seriously hurt, I never opened up to someone the way I did to him. He's the first person ever in my life whom I told that I like them. I had two wonderful weeks with him, then he tells me out of the blue that he broke up with his ex two weeks before he started seeing me. I was crushed. Yet I was in it, so I decided to give it a shot and see what happens. I see it's my fault because I never openly communicated to him the way I feel about this situation we're in. Unfortunately, hurting the people I care for the most, is some kind of defense mechanism I have. I fool myself believing that it will hurt me less because I hurt them first. So I hurt him even though he really didn't deserve this type of treatment. I behaved crappy, yeah. And I feel like I cheated on him because I did, in a way. Even worse, I hurt him on purpose when the thing I would have most wanted is hold him in my arms and never let him go. I have to say I've always had major trust issues and always expect to people will do the worst possible things to me, especially those people I care for. Anyway, since I said I'm not here to make excuses for myself. I just wanted to say, if anything, this story has shown me that I'm not ready myself to commit to someone, I have some major issues to work on. And I guess there's probably to person who deserves to put up with this stuff. Edited June 10, 2011 by Elisa89
Ouroboros Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I love when women use this nonsensical "I need to work on me" and how they engage in self-sabotage to explain it all away.
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stepka Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Elisa, I'm a little unclear about whether you two were ever actually in a relationship or whether he kept putting you off. Did he ask you to wait for him? Did he expect you to be exclusive to him? Because if not, I really don't see where you ever owed him an explanation. It sounds to me like he was dangling you on a string so that he'd have someone in place when he gets over his stuff and that's not fair either. And yeah, I'm going through the same thing right now, so I know how that feels. Because when he gets over his divorce and all the fall-out, there's no guarantee that it's me he'll want. I do think it's fair to let him know you'll be dating other people, but not absolutely necessary because he hasn't really consolidated a relationship with you. (if I'm reading this right) If you guys were in a committed relationship, and didn't actually mutually break up, then what you did was wrong.
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