GivenUp0083 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Let's say you were hurt, but you feel over it, ready to move on with your life, but the break up was rather swift and not much was said and it kind of just "happened". I don't know exactly what I would say to my ex if we spoke again, I guess I'd just want to make sure she's okay and clear the air on anything she wanted to talk about or maybe tell her some things (not necessarily negative) that I learned about the relationship. Basically a little bit of closure. By no means would this be an attempt to get back together or tell her I miss her, because I don't. I know some of you are going to say "if you don't miss her and have moved on, why do you need to contact her?" The answer: I don't know. Maybe this is what people mean by getting closure. I never really got any of that, I just kept NC as much as I could. I feel past the point of wanting her back, I don't really think of her like that anymore. I don't know if I would be friends, but I guess there's just something that makes me want to talk one last time. Thoughts?
Kilty Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Nope As all of us are aware, there are moments when our minds will try and justify things that we want to do but know we shouldnt. You said it yourself - You dont know exactly what you would say to her if you spoke again. I am in the exact same boat - but the likelihood is that our emotions would take over and we would come across as not being over her ! Bottom line is that she and you have moved on You have nothing to say because there is nothing to say - and you would probably end up back to square one if there was any contact It's a different story if she makes the initial contact but thats unlikely to happen
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 Nope As all of us are aware, there are moments when our minds will try and justify things that we want to do but know we shouldnt. You said it yourself - You dont know exactly what you would say to her if you spoke again. I am in the exact same boat - but the likelihood is that our emotions would take over and we would come across as not being over her ! Bottom line is that she and you have moved on You have nothing to say because there is nothing to say - and you would probably end up back to square one if there was any contact It's a different story if she makes the initial contact but thats unlikely to happen She did make initial contact, about a week ago. She made a little small talk, then I said I didn't want to gchat with her at work and that I'd call her that night....I never did. I think I would NOT fall down the slippery slope of showing that I'm not over her, because I think I can make it clear that I am. I don't even care what she thinks about it. I just think there's a good possibility I can move on quicker if I talked to her one last time.
Nohbody Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I think that if you are over it then there would be no reason to break NC. Because it would be over.
Mack05 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Your kidding yourself mate. It's like an alcoholic saying I havent had a drink in a few months, I'm over it so I can have a drink now. If you are fully over her (which you are not) then you wouldn't feel any need to contact her. How she is doing is not your business. Meeting up now will just give you more questions then answers and set you back in your recovery. Unless she contacts you and specifically asks to meet up, then you shouldn't contact her under any circumstances!Any attempt at silly small talk should be ignored and avoided..She has moved on mate, if she wanted to contact you believe me she would and make a big effort to do so...Leave her go and move on with your own life. Right now your kidding yourself, grasping at straws. Don't do it..
geegirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 What did she want? My ex broke NC with me after a month to "say hi" and make small talk. I responded with short, unemotional answers to her trivial questions. At the time I thought maybe she wanted to talk about something, but she never brought anything important up in the short time we chatted online. Then I made the mistake of calling, but she didn't answer. She emailed me that night after bed to tell me she saw my call but it was too late to call back and to give her a call sometime. I said I would the next night. I never did. I didn't call because I don't have anything to say to her. It's been 5 days since I said I would call. She hasn't tried to call me, and I blocked her on chat. I'm just now starting to wonder if she had anything to say to me. Is there a chance she needed more time to ease into telling me something important and I shut it down completely by blocking her and lying when I said I'd call? This was your post two days ago. You were wondering if she had something of importance to say to you when your contact with her was somewhat vague. So, are you sure that two days later, you're now over her and just wanting to see that she is okay and get some closure or are you holding on to your curiosity from 2 days ago and using this as an excuse to contact again?
usabup Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Your kidding yourself mate. It's like an alcoholic saying I havent had a drink in a few months, I'm over it so I can have a drink now. If you are fully over her (which you are not) then you wouldn't feel any need to contact her. How she is doing is not your business. Meeting up now will just give you more questions then answers and set you back in your recovery. Unless she contacts you and specifically asks to meet up, then you shouldn't contact her under any circumstances!Any attempt at silly small talk should be ignored and avoided..She has moved on mate, if she wanted to contact you believe me she would and make a big effort to do so...Leave her go and move on with your own life. Right now your kidding yourself, grasping at straws. Don't do it.. I don't think that's true. When one of my ex's dumped me, she didn't contact me at all for nearly two months. I even sent her a couple of messages which she ignored. But then out of nowhere she started talking to me again. She admitted she missed me and that she has been too stubborn to contact me. People work in different ways.
Mack05 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don't think that's true. When one of my ex's dumped me, she didn't contact me at all for nearly two months. I even sent her a couple of messages which she ignored. But then out of nowhere she started talking to me again. She admitted she missed me and that she has been too stubborn to contact me. People work in different ways. Your not getting my point. Whether or not she is over him is immaterial. Givenup is kidding himself by thinking he is over his ex. He isn't. There is a strong possibility this relationship is over. If she wants him back she will make it clear BUT he shouldn't be obessing about her and kidding himself. He should also not contact her under any circumstances. Just my opinion
Lil1 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 LOL good catch geegirl! OP, believe me I know how important it is to get some sort of closure, but just understand that if you break NC it will set you back (no matter how much you think you are over the relationship!). If you feel that you must get closure for your peace of mind then go for it but don't expect to walk away feeling like you can finally move on... it will take longer because you will replay this last encounter with your ex in your head over and over until you finally are able to truly stick to NC. I felt the same way you did when my ex and I split up. I contacted him to have a 'closure' talk about our relationship but thank goodness that did not come to fruition. Even though I was completely over him by then the fact that I had seen him recently (he had come to move his things out of my place) gave me some mixed feelings and it took me at least 2 more weeks after seeing him to finally get it in my head that we were truly over. It's your call OP, either you truly commit yourself to moving on, or you contact your ex in the hopes that you get some good closure and leave an open possibility for a future reconciliation.
Jman171 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The fact that you're asking LoveShack tells me you shouldn't.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 I already said I wouldn't take her back, and I already said you guys were going to use the stupid argument "if you were over her you wouldn't want to talk" That's garbage. Second, here's also what I think sucks: people who say she will contact you if she has something to say and nothing will stop her. Well guess what? I want to talk to her and people are stopping me! How do you know people aren't stopping her? How do you know she's not just stubborn or insecure or afraid of ME rejecting HER? (which she should be afraid, I would reject her if she wanted to get back) The fact is, no one is an expert, and there's no RIGHT way to handle this, everyone is different. I was pissed at first she contacted me to say nothing, but then I lead her on that I would call her and didn't do it. I'm sure a phone conversation or in person would be much more significant than chatting. If I know her right, she might be testing the waters. She might be trying to get me to turn the conversation to a new level. I'm not going to tell her I miss her or beg her, I would just talk. See where the conversation goes. She can't hurt me anymore. I honestly truly believe that. I've been in this situation before, and I know when I'm over it. I loved her, but now I realize I don't. That doesn't just cure the fact that I want some closure and communication. I'm someone who is strong on communication and I have to know what's going on.
geegirl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 If we have stupid arguments and give garbage advice, don't ask. If you want us to feed you with what you want to hear, don't ask. And since you already knew what you needed to do for yourself, don't ask. You asked for advice. We gave it. If you don't agree, make contact. No one is stopping you.
lofi_tokyo Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 OP, based on your reactions to other people's posts: you were looking for someone to say "yeah totally man! You sound strong, go for it!". I think this is the wrongggg forum to be looking for that sort of thing. I've contacted exs from my past out of no where, and we had pleasant catch up sessions. Some of them even apologized for how they acted in the relationship. It feels great to just know that... thinks are okay now. That being said, in all cases, years had passed between contacting the ex and the actual break up. So, as I found out, neither of us could remember many of the details following the break up. It really was in the past. I've also broken contact with people I'm not over and either: a) got my heart broken b) got my closure (kind of a wow... he really was that immature.. well F*** him!) c) got asked out on a date!
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Posted June 9, 2011 OP, based on your reactions to other people's posts: you were looking for someone to say "yeah totally man! You should strong, go for it!". I think this is the wrongggg forum to be looking for that sort of thing. I've contacted exs from my past out of no where, and we had pleasant catch up sessions. Some of them even apologized for how they acted in the relationship. It feels great to just know that... thinks are okay now. That being said, in all cases, years had passed between contacting the ex and the actual break up. So, as I found out, neither of us could remember many of the details following the break up. It really was in the past. I've also broken contact with people I'm not over and either: a) got my heart broken b) got my closure (kind of a wow... he really was that immature.. well F*** him!) c) got asked out on a date! This is more of a reasonable response. I guess I'm looking for examples of when people DID break NC and they didn't have their heart broken and the world didn't end. It's hard for me to believe that I would start at square one again like people say. I'm looking for varied opinions, I just find it hard to believe in the absolution that breaking NC = pain and anguish.
usabup Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 This is more of a reasonable response. I guess I'm looking for examples of when people DID break NC and they didn't have their heart broken and the world didn't end. It's hard for me to believe that I would start at square one again like people say. I'm looking for varied opinions, I just find it hard to believe in the absolution that breaking NC = pain and anguish. At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong answer hear. Everyone deals with things in their own way. Only you know deep down how you will react if nothing comes out of it. You have to weigh up the pro's and con's really. What's the best and worst case scenario? If there is a chance it could set you back in the healing process but your strong enough to handle that, then fine no problem go for it. I have broken NC a couple of times when I knew it was going to set me back. But I knew I was strong enough to cope with it and I was prepared for it. It wasn't a problem. It NEVER sets you back to sqaure 1. It can make you feel awful but I don't believe its possible to ever be set back to the initial shock of a break up. That's just my opinion though. Personally, I think sometimes its a good thing to break NC and not get the result you wanted. Because it gives you a little reminder that the relationship is dead. It takes away the false hope that creeps in during NC. Again, that's just my opinion. If you feel like you have stuff to say to her, then I would say do it as long as you are prepared for the worst.
Mack05 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Givenup some people find it hard to face reality. Reality is probably something like.. 1) Her preception of the way things ended and how things are right now is probably entirely different to yours.. 2) While you sit and wait not living your life, hoping that she will "see the light". The fact is, she is already finished talking to her friends about how happy she is to be without you and already talking and thinking about someone new. 3) I'm sure she misses you, but I am pretty sure after reading your story she doesn't want to be a couple again. 4) While you dreaming up ways to contact her and then hoping for a miracle, she is out having fun with her friends.. "Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"... Keep kidding/fooling yourself and see how you go mate.. I promise you, If you move on right now (focus on just you) and let her go you will thank us later. If you don't you will post here in 2-3 months saying "sorry guys you were right"... Up to you son..
Mack05 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 At the end of the day it's up to you and you alone of you want to break NC. But you are kidding yourself that you are over this woman... No good can come of this but if you feel it's something you have to do, then you don't need our advice to do it. You have probably already made up your mind, before you even posted this thread. You were probably hoping for a lot more "Go for it" replies. Either way I wish you well. You seem like a good guy
Trovador Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Well, I contacted an ex after some time. Let's see, I had a gf (my current ex), some time had passed by (more than a year) and I was pretty sure I was totally over her. Despite I had dumped her, this was more because she didn't seem to be into the relationship as much as (I thought) I was. She begged me and contacted me after the break up but I was adamant and didn't cave in. Until her birthday. I would have liked to have a coffee with her and chat for a while. Nothing came out of it. She just thanked me and that was it. Another time I saw her in the street, approached her and interchanged numbers. She never called me. I guess what I wanted was a little fun with her, for sake of old times or to see if she was still under my spell. As nothing happened, it was sort of a blow to my ego, as she seemed to have moved on. Honestly, it affected me a bit. I now think I would have fell for her again, despite the other gf, time and a lot of other things in the interim. I'd contact her again, but believe it or not, I don't feel safe anymore, and what would I do with two exes? It's just an experience, take it for what it is. What I don't understand, though, is why you want to contact her if you don't want her back.
frankidos Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 In my candid opinion, your wanting to see her again is simply an indication that though you might observed NC, there is still some of her left inside you. I strongly believe that if you have the opportunity of talking with her again, that you are definitely going to start thinking about her all over again. "The memory of old love may fade but will not die", meanwhile, you need to really stay away from her for a little longer before really attempting to talk to her again. By the way, has she made any attempts at getting across to you? Let things just roll by and if you happen to meet, just be all casual about it and don't go talking about what you feel about the breakup or the relationship on a whole.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I called her last night, she didn't answer. She texted me this morning she was asleep.
usabup Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I called her last night, she didn't answer. She texted me this morning she was asleep. Yeah this girl is stringing you along mate, I can tell you that for a fact. I bet if you leave her alone and don't talk to her for a couple of weeks she will contact you again. And then when she does, she will start stringing you along again. Its hard to take I know, but it sounds like she is keeping you around untill something better comes along. Now I would say, go NC.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) So we exchanged a few texts this morning. It was confusing for me and hard to get my message across, but I think we have reached an understanding. It would be difficult to show you the details of the back and forth, but basically she thought I had something to say. I told her that I was confused as to why she was contacting me after a month of silence. She explained she knew I said we couldn't be friends but thought I might change my mind after some time and was just checking in to see how I was. I told her very straightfoward I don't want to be friends. I think this upset her at first, which is fine, but I explained to her that she broke my heart and that I can't move on with my life if she's holding me back. I said I didn't want to burn the bridge forever, but to expect a friendship anytime soon is unreasonable. She admitted that she thought I wanted to burn the bridge so that was why she was mad (I don't care either way), but she said she can respect that. I also explained that I've had women who wanted to stay friends hold me back in the past and that I need to do what's right for me. She admitted again she just wanted to be friends and didn't want to give mixed signals about anything else (this is the confirmation I was looking for). She said she understands my position a lot better than before and she realizes I'm moving on with my life without her. ---- So I didn't talk on the phone, but the text convo was pretty serious. How do I feel about it? I feel fine. I don't feel bummed, I don't feel set back. I suspected this was the case and I felt it was worth confirming. She has a better understanding of my situation and my decision going forward, so she won't confuse me anymore by contacting me, which is what I prefer. I realize many of you agree that I'm not over her, and sure, I'll never be 100% absolutely over it, I loved her, but I'm a lot more over it than you guys realize, but there's no way you could know that anyway. I feel ok with this, I actually feel better about it. I know what her intentions were, and now she knows exactly where I stand. There won't be anymore confusion or games. I've been moving on, it seemed like forever the first 4 weeks but I feel fine with it now and going to continue to improve myself physically, and enjoy the summer with friends and meet new people. I don't think I'll go back to dating anytime soon. I met my ex, and many others before her, through online dating and I just feel disgusted with that whole process now so I probably won't ever go back to it. If I meet someone doing things I love doing along the way, so be it. I will no longer go out of my way to find it or put myself on the line to make someone else happy. "I" am the most important thing in my life. That's all I care about and that's all the matters.....me. Thank you for looking out for me and trying to protect my heart from further pain, but I feel fine about it and I don't see this bothering me at all. All I did was get clarification and confirmation, and expressed my need of not having her in my life. Everything is cool. Edited June 10, 2011 by GivenUp0083
frankidos Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm glad for the opportunity that came your way to be able to talk to her and clarify things up. It seems you knew what you were doing and now that you've got your clarification, try and move on with your life. But frankly, I don't support your decision of living just for yourself and concentrating on you alone. Love hurts, no doubt about that, but you must understand that to be able to attract true love into your life, your heart must be open and receptive. The good part is not to go searching for it in places you believe you will find it, because most times we simply put certain standards before us which does nothing more than limit us. Instead let love find you this time around but still it will be best you prepare your heart for it by being the loving person you intend your lover to be to you. I think the best of love comes when you least expect it. I think you will find this post quite interesting in your given situation, you must love yourself first as you've said but give it to others around you also . How Personal Happiness Opens Your Heart to Finding True Love http://www.loving-relationship.com/how-personal-happiness-opens-your-heart-to-finding-true-love/
jacksonBrown Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I don't think that's true. When one of my ex's dumped me, she didn't contact me at all for nearly two months. I even sent her a couple of messages which she ignored. But then out of nowhere she started talking to me again. She admitted she missed me and that she has been too stubborn to contact me. People work in different ways. did you two end up back together after she contacted you saying she missed u?
Recommended Posts