sm1tten Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Hello LSers, Long time lurker needs some advice. Warning, it's lengthy. I am currently dating a guy who is very, very, very busy. He works full time but is also an entrepreneur. We work at the same company currently but in different areas. In the past couple of weeks, we rarely see or speak to each other outside of work. We have only been together for slightly over a month. In the beginning, we went too fast and spent too much time together at the expense of other things. We took a break, went slower, and then at some point accelerated again. We are currently in a phase of "slowing down." This has resulted in significantly less contact outside of work and I have not been texting or IMing either. I actually initiated this. However, he recently (today) told me that he is very busy and expects to be getting even busier and that he feels bad because he is treating me as my ex did (compartmentalizing the relationship, spending very little time together). I told him that I do not feel that he is doing the same thing, and that while I am not going to lie and say that I don't miss him and that I don't want to spend time together, I am understanding of his obligations and that I'm fine. He responded that he just felt "really bad" because he feels like he is keeping me on hold. I directly asked, "do you want to just break up?" He said that he wasn't sure, but he had been thinking about it. At that point other people entered the area, so he said we'd talk later and we went our separate ways. I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm deeply infatuated with this person, but not in love and although we are labeling it "boyfriend-girlfriend," for me this is more an expression of monogamy than anything else. I am interested in seeing where this can go, and am not interested in breaking up, but I'm not sure how much more patient he is expecting me to be... at this point, I give him a ton of space and it's mostly him initiating. But I wonder if by expressing that I miss him, I've put some sort of pressure on him? I do know that he and I need to talk, but the problem is that he seems to be making the decisions for both of us - e.g. deciding that I'm unhappy, feeling guilty over this perceived unhappiness... leaving me feeling as though there is no real point to discussion. It is, of course, entirely possible that he's BSing me somewhat and the real problem is that he just doesn't really miss me. This seems somewhat incongruous based on his actions and previous words, but I can't help but notice that in response to my "I miss you" this morning, he said, "I know..." and then launched into the above. He did not say that he missed me as well. For the record, I am 28, he is 25. We are both fairly recently out of long-term, serious relationships but I don't think this is rebound-territory. Thanks for any and all help.
thatone Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 i don't think there's necessarily much to look into with the guilty things he said. it's a common thing. most men are pretty strict and clearly defined in their roles of what they're supposed to do in dating and relationships. when they can't do one or more of those things, in this case make time around her schedule, it's normal to feel a little guilty about it. example: the girl i've been dating has a not-very-healthy parent living with her that she's taking care of, and she lives in the suburbs while i live downtown where everything to do is. so naturally, when we get together she winds up driving to my place, rather than me to hers. i just told her the other day that i felt guilty about her having to drive to me instead of me driving to her (she doesn't have a lot of money and gas prices are high, after all). there was nothing more to read into that, it was just like i said it, "hey you're driving to me all the time, i feel a bit guilty about that, if the gas expense is too much just tell me and we'll work something else out". if you want to pursue it further tell him that, and you should initiate more contact around his schedule. if he agrees and is still interested he'll see that as a sign of trust, if he's still resistant you can be assured that he's not that interested and you can just go away. either way you'll have your answer.
Author sm1tten Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks for your reply. To be honest, I'm still a little worried. He seemed to act the same as always around me during the day and he still wanted to talk so I thought, well I'll get clarity one way or the other. But when we spoke we didn't talk about the relationship at all... perhaps he's still sorting it out. This isn't the first time he's had doubts. Telling me you're thinking of brraking up with me and then not talking about it makes me feel insecure.
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