To the OW: Would you.....

[Loni]

You wouldn't happen to know every single OW out there? Just wondering...

 

I wish you are as strong as you were as an OW if one day you have to be a BS. Wish you well! Remember, life has unpredictable.

 

You are right, life is quite unpredictable.

 

Who better to tell a BS how to handle the OW than a onetime OW? Hmmm?

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by Loni

You can not make the OW feel bad because she does. not. care. I repeat, she. does. not. care. If anything, going bat**** on an OW just validates to her that you are threatened by her and is giving away your power. In the mind of the OW if you were so sure of your husband's love after D day the OW would be of no relevance to you.

 

The best way to handle an OW after a bust is for wife to make the OW feel like you gathered up your belongings and took your stupid, remorseful, tail between his legs husband home on his ear. That would make her feel like all she was a walking vagina. Take lots of happy family photos and throw them up on FB and leave ONLY those photos visible to non friends.

 

If he is not remorseful and decides to leave you and you go all bat**** the only thing that does is make the OW feel smug so either way you lose.

 

How do I know this? I was the OW now wife.

When I was the BS the very first thing I wanted to do was go bat**** on the OW. I'm glad I didn't. I went bat**** on my H and then we blocked and deleted her from our lives.

 

She (OW) sent me a pretty bat**** email after their A ended.

 

I tend to agree with the loss of power but I can understand the feeling and how it happens.

[Breezy Trousers]

I just occured to me (and correct me if I am wrong), I don't recall seeing any LS's that were an OW turned W then BS...

We have OW, BS turned OW, OW turned W's. BS and that is that. But an OW that actually M her MM and then he cheated and left her for his next OW???? Do we have any? Or no other OW turned BS would admit to it? Just wondering...

 

Or even someone who once was an OW, M someone other than her xMM then turns BS. Is there anyone here with that story line?

 

It's sad that half the posters here disrespect each other based on their positions in a R. OW call BS's all sorts of names and plainly dump so much @#!*% on a person that has done nothing to them and vice versa. I think I am taking the summer off...

 

N.A. I hope you are ok. Your post sounds like some drama triggered it. (hugs)

 

Mimo, a month ago there was a thread by an XOW who married her AP only to have him turn her into BS:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3383398#post3383398

 

I was struck by her courage to come here and share that.

[TurboGirl]

To the OP,

 

Not every "OW" is single, darlin'. Many of us are married too and met a MM who was attactive, attentive, etc and made us feel special again. All the good stuff we were missing at home. ALSO many of us have/had no intention of wrecking the MM's homelife, least of all wrecking our own. Very happy to send the MM back to his happy family life after a lovely evening out.

 

Wondering... did you tell your children at your H's affair? I read further down in your posts, and for the life of me, I can't understand why on earth you would blab your personal business to his job.... (gee, where will YOU be if he loses his job) his family, and everyone you know?

 

Why on earth would you do any of that if you have intention of working things through? Seems like you are beating your H into submission publically. Sorry but IMHO your teen daughter has no biz knowing any of your issues with your H, and frankly, she's acting like he cheated on her! The more you go on and on and tell the world what a total lying cheating SOB your H is, the harder it will be to forgive & forget & move on from this mess. All that anger & nastiness is negative and certainly not moving toward healing.

[bentnotbroken]

To the OP,

 

Not every "OW" is single, darlin'. Many of us are married too and met a MM who was attactive, attentive, etc and made us feel special again. All the good stuff we were missing at home. ALSO many of us have/had no intention of wrecking the MM's homelife, least of all wrecking our own. Very happy to send the MM back to his happy family life after a lovely evening out.

 

Wondering... did you tell your children at your H's affair? I read further down in your posts, and for the life of me, I can't understand why on earth you would blab your personal business to his job.... (gee, where will YOU be if he loses his job) his family, and everyone you know?

 

Why on earth would you do any of that if you have intention of working things through? Seems like you are beating your H into submission publically. Sorry but IMHO your teen daughter has no biz knowing any of your issues with your H, and frankly, she's acting like he cheated on her! The more you go on and on and tell the world what a total lying cheating SOB your H is, the harder it will be to forgive & forget & move on from this mess. All that anger & nastiness is negative and certainly not moving toward healing.

 

 

Actually according to many therapist it can be moving toward healing. Once the painful feelings have been excorised, healing can begin as opposed to those who choose to repress those feelings of betrayal(as have been posted by many here) only to resurface in a RA. As far as the daughter having been cheated on, someone of us believe that what happens to one family member effects the others just as much.

 

Betrayal of the family unit, which many believe cheating is, does indeed warrent a child their expression of pain too, within certain parameters. Not all families are set up with the dynamic of parents and children leading completely autonomous lives or disconnected lives.

 

The anger and nastiness are indeed negative, as negative as screwing around in is. The personal business that got blabbed...that's a chance you take when with all choices. Now the OP will have to deal with the consequences of her choices. Aren't we all about choices here.

[Summer Breeze]

Stay in an A if you knew how the BS was going to act after D-Day? Or are there any OW who have stayed after D-Day where the spouse completely went ape shyt on you?

 

Here's the thing: I hold no ill will towards any OW on this forum as you are not the one that caused the pain and hurt in my life, however I do think that there are things that when and OW is in an A they do not consider.

 

First and foremost: For the OW out there that are single, without children and whom have never been married. One day when you finally marry a man, do you want to be on the other end of this? Do you want to be THAT BS? Chances are it's going to happen. Chances are when that does happen there are going to be innocent lives of children involved. Chances are those children are then going to end up screwed up because of the life shattering event called "My dad cheated on my mom and then my parents got a divorce."

 

Have you NEVER been in a relationship where you thought you were so in love with someone and then they just crushed all your hopes and dreams? That is what it feels like to be BETRAYED! Period!

 

Also, when you finally do enter a relationship with someone other than the MM that you carried on an affair with and after crushing another woman's life

her family, for stolen moments of lust, greed, selfishness, carelessness, etc. Are you going to be as willing to tell the man that you marry what you did?

 

All of the talk of HONESTY and how HONEST your MM are to you, when it comes time for you to be HONEST with the MAN that you marry, are you going to do that? Are you going to be open and honest with him about your past and what you did?

 

What you also don't consider are the moments that the BS and WS shared way before he met you. There was a bond and a love that created a union that was some how over shadowed by a WS selfish acts. I do believe that a couple can fall out of love with each other and cheating can take place, in those instances I can see where both would move on. However most affairs result in the BS and the WS trying to work things out, not for the sake of the children but for what it was that they had prior to the A coming to light.

 

Relationships are hard, they all are no matter what kind of relationship that you are in. So, with that being said, chances are as an OW, you will end up being on the other end as a BS sooner or later. When you are, how do you think you will feel? What do you think that you will do to protect what you thought you had in your marriage, your children and everything that you built together in your life?

 

I can tell you what I did.....I flipped SHYT on the OW! Plainly completely, flipped shyt! Not all or most BS's are the type of woman that is just going to lay down and let some other woman take over the man that SHE loved, HER husband, HER companion, HER confidant, HER father to her children, HER partner, HER soul mate, HER WORLD!

 

It also seems that most OW think that the BS is going to sit back and cry, be sullen, have low self esteem, and just walk away, not a chance in he!!. As a matter of fact, some BS, as in my case get a sense of empowerment because we hold the cards. We hold the key to the stay or go. We after D-day have a sense that WE hold his ba!!s in the preverbial purse, not you..... You can make all the demands that you want, you can put a deadline on what you think you want to happen, chances are....he isn't going to be with you and I can tell you why.

 

When a woman's family, whom she loves more than anything is threatened....we go on the defense. We can pull out our slutty clothes, langiere, do all the things sexually that we know he likes, because after all....we've been there a lot longer than you have and know a LOT more about his likes and dislikes than you do, same goes for cooking, and well just about anything about him. We can make him remember after the "affair fog" just exactly what is what about us that made him fall for us in the first place. After all, isn't this what all women do when we feel like OUR man is getting a little distant? We spice it up, we turn up the volume......

 

We will also fight for what we have, for our family and for the man that VOWED is love to us. We will tell the boss at your work even if it means that our WS will lose his job too. We will find out everything about you that we possibly can even if he lies to us, because deep down we know he is lying. We will attempt to make your life a living he!! as much as we possibly can because that is exactly what you did to ours. We will also make his life a living he!! if he chooses to stay for whatever reasons we can.

 

When MM chose to stay, they are subjected to many different emotions. He is met with love, anger, hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. The emotions run the gammit but he chooses to stay and deal with those emotions and then starts to become the man that we fell in love with all over again doing anything that he can and in his power to make things right. You have to ask yourself, where do you fall into this equation?

 

You will then be in the seat of the BS, wondering about everything that he said to you, every stolen moment there was between you, asking yourself if this was real then why would he do that to me, etc,etc. You then know for a fraction of a second what if feels like to be BETRAYED! You know what it feels like to have the man that you "thought loved you, cared for you, wanted you", lied to your face for nothing more than "something different", and you become nothing more than a bad decision in a moment of weakness because he does not choose to leave his wife whom after the fog lifts is the one person that he wants to be with.

 

 

Is this what you want for your life??? Why do OW choose to put themselves through so much sorrow and so much pain? Why do OW choose to put the unsuspecting BS through all of this for nothing more than something that is stolen, moments, glimpses and trists when the fact of the matter is....the BS has it ALL and more than likely WILL have it all after D-Day!

 

 

I've not read through all of this yet. I'll take a few days and give it a try though!

 

To the bolded. There is 1 person who puts a BS through the trauma of an A-the WS. If the WS does not have an A the point is moot. What does the OW/OM have to do with it? There would be no OW/OM if the WS didn't stray. I felt that way when my exH cheated and I felt that way when I was an OW. And why do you think an R with a MM/MW is all for nothing? I had a wonder ful R with my xMM and I still love him so much I don't know if I'll ever find someone that could hold that place in my heart. It didn't work but neither do most Rs in your lifetime. I have great memories and momentos. My friends and family all knew him so he's talked about just as any other old boyfriend. When my exH cheated he wanted to make it work but I knew that all I'd have after Dday was a H I couldn't trust and I knew I couldn't live my life that way. He's been married to his OW for quite a few years now and I firmly believe he's been faithfull to her. I just knew I couldn't trust him with my heart again.

 

It sounds like you were having a tough day when you wrote that. I'm hoping the responses I'm going to read saw that and took it as a rant. We all deserve them from time to time.

[Summer Breeze]

You can not make the OW feel bad because she does. not. care. I repeat, she. does. not. care. If anything, going bat**** on an OW just validates to her that you are threatened by her and is giving away your power. In the mind of the OW if you were so sure of your husband's love after D day the OW would be of no relevance to you.

 

The best way to handle an OW after a bust is for wife to make the OW feel like you gathered up your belongings and took your stupid, remorseful, tail between his legs husband home on his ear. That would make her feel like all she was a walking vagina. Take lots of happy family photos and throw them up on FB and leave ONLY those photos visible to non friends.

 

If he is not remorseful and decides to leave you and you go all bat**** the only thing that does is make the OW feel smug so either way you lose.

 

How do I know this? I was the OW now wife.

 

Underlined - when I found out about my xHs A I left him immediately. To me that's the right thing to do and shows strength. I'm not having a dig at reconciling partners I'm just saying from my own perspective. When I hear about someone being allowed back in I just look at it as weakness in the BS. As I said that is from my own perspective and also that stance has tempered since 'meeting' some of the people here who are reconciling. Just don't assume your actions as a BS have that huge an impact on every OW.

 

In bold - yes, that definitely wouldn't look staged. My xMMs W did that and it was really sad in my eyes because it was staged and it's not tough to see through it. Also I never even looked at her profile till a friend of his sent me a message to catch up and asked if I was ok with all the stuff she was posting. I never looked at either of their profiles. I haven't looked now in over a year.

[N.A.]

To the OP,

 

Not every "OW" is single, darlin'. Many of us are married too and met a MM who was attactive, attentive, etc and made us feel special again. All the good stuff we were missing at home. ALSO many of us have/had no intention of wrecking the MM's homelife, least of all wrecking our own. Very happy to send the MM back to his happy family life after a lovely evening out.

 

Wondering... did you tell your children at your H's affair? I read further down in your posts, and for the life of me, I can't understand why on earth you would blab your personal business to his job.... (gee, where will YOU be if he loses his job) his family, and everyone you know?

 

Why on earth would you do any of that if you have intention of working things through? Seems like you are beating your H into submission publically. Sorry but IMHO your teen daughter has no biz knowing any of your issues with your H, and frankly, she's acting like he cheated on her! The more you go on and on and tell the world what a total lying cheating SOB your H is, the harder it will be to forgive & forget & move on from this mess. All that anger & nastiness is negative and certainly not moving toward healing.

 

 

 

 

To answer your question: He cheated on me with someone he worked with. As I said before, to me he obviously didn't care about his job, so why should I. Also as for telling his employer, there isn't one BS who finds out that his/her WS cheated with someone at work that does't either tell the employer or think about it.

 

Do you have children....because no matter WHAT you try to keep from your children they will find out. Do you honestly think for one second that a teenager is going to be completely oblivious as to what her parents are going through, no...I don't think so. As for your comment about my daughter acting like he is the one that cheated on her, really? You act as if my CH has not been a HUGE part of her life and act as if she isn't supposed to feel in the least bit like she lost faith in someone who acted like something he was not, TO HER MOTHER! Really???

 

You may be married and your AP may be married as well, but let the BS of both parties find out and see what you deal with. It's not pretty, especially if there are children involved.

[Spark1111]

To answer your question: He cheated on me with someone he worked with. As I said before, to me he obviously didn't care about his job, so why should I. Also as for telling his employer, there isn't one BS who finds out that his/her WS cheated with someone at work that does't either tell the employer or think about it.

 

Do you have children....because no matter WHAT you try to keep from your children they will find out. Do you honestly think for one second that a teenager is going to be completely oblivious as to what her parents are going through, no...I don't think so. As for your comment about my daughter acting like he is the one that cheated on her, really? You act as if my CH has not been a HUGE part of her life and act as if she isn't supposed to feel in the least bit like she lost faith in someone who acted like something he was not, TO HER MOTHER! Really???

 

You may be married and your AP may be married as well, but let the BS of both parties find out and see what you deal with. It's not pretty, especially if there are children involved.

 

Well, I agree.

 

My H had an affair with a former co-worker, a D mom of one.

 

At DDAY, my oldest daughter and some protective friends wanted to march onto the doorstep of the OW and give her a piece of their minds.

 

I talked them out of it. We have too much class I told them.

 

I threw my H out and told him to go be with his "soulmate" as I wouldn't stand in his way. No one was more stunned than I when it seemed like the very last thing he wanted.

 

He kept begging and pleading to reconcile with me, but I wasn't having it and wouldn't even consider it for months. He started crying at her kitchen table and she was still NICE to him, can you believe it? She should have been smashing plates on his head for all his veiled talks of a "future" with her.

 

However, I did research and learned everything about her within 72 hours of DDAY. (Former investigative journalist here.)

 

I only had empathy in my heart for her, a single mom, initially, but have since learned she is unstable and somewhat vindictive and incredibly vicious to me when I did contact her two years later after she broke NC and was trying to re-initiate the affair. If in the future it ever becomes necessary, I have all my ducks in a row.

 

My H requested a transfer to another office and told his superiors he had betrayed his family without naming names. It was a shrewd move and a courageous one.

 

He also wrote a letter to our children, apologizing to them for his actions.

 

We talk whenever we need to as we all need to heal and we are all in a much better place today for NOT having swept it under the rug.

 

He is still remorseful and ashamed, mostly because he cannot unring that bell. But we are very happy today. It took trememdous efforts on both of our parts, yet he did the lion's share.

[whichwayisup]

To the bolded. There is 1 person who puts a BS through the trauma of an A-the WS. If the WS does not have an A the point is moot. What does the OW/OM have to do with it? There would be no OW/OM if the WS didn't stray.

 

No, it takes TWO to have an affair so the OW/OM IS a very willing partner in helping the WS betray his/her spouse. If an OW/OM says NO to the WS, then there would be no affairs.. It isn't one sided in an affair! Yes, the WS is the one actually doing the cheating and betraying but the OW/OM is the WS's partner in crime, so to speak.. You make it sound like an OW/OM is completely innocent in an affair triangle! The only innocent party is the betrayed spouse.

[Silly_Girl]

No, it takes TWO to have an affair so the OW/OM IS a very willing partner in helping the WS betray his/her spouse. If an OW/OM says NO to the WS, then there would be no affairs.. It isn't one sided in an affair! Yes, the WS is the one actually doing the cheating and betraying but the OW/OM is the WS's partner in crime, so to speak.. You make it sound like an OW/OM is completely innocent in an affair triangle! The only innocent party is the betrayed spouse.

 

"Helping". Accomplice? Yes. To blame for the WS betraying his/her spouse? No.

[Loni]

No, it takes TWO to have an affair so the OW/OM IS a very willing partner in helping the WS betray his/her spouse. If an OW/OM says NO to the WS, then there would be no affairs.. It isn't one sided in an affair! Yes, the WS is the one actually doing the cheating and betraying but the OW/OM is the WS's partner in crime, so to speak.. You make it sound like an OW/OM is completely innocent in an affair triangle! The only innocent party is the betrayed spouse.

 

Absolute rubbish. If you are looking for a woman/man to keep your spouse faithful you are delusional. Who wants a spouse who doesn't cheat for the sole reason that someone else won't have sex with them. Being faithful is not in the genitals but rather in the heart.

[MissBee]

Absolute rubbish. If you are looking for a woman/man to keep your spouse faithful you are delusional. Who wants a spouse who doesn't cheat for the sole reason that someone else won't have sex with them. Being faithful is not in the genitals but rather in the heart.

 

Indeed!

 

However, I don't think the poster was trying to blame the OW/OM for the cheating or expecting that it is their responsibility to keep the spouse faithful; it's a matter of principle on both people's parts. If someone robs a bank, tells me about it and then offers me some of the money, while I did not rob the bank, had no knowledge of their plans from beforehand, and it wasn't up to me to keep them from doing it, why would I agree to delight in the stolen goods? It's a matter of principle to opt out of it or I am just as much guilty.

[jsb58]

Absolute rubbish. If you are looking for a woman/man to keep your spouse faithful you are delusional. Who wants a spouse who doesn't cheat for the sole reason that someone else won't have sex with them. Being faithful is not in the genitals but rather in the heart.

What a fine specimen you must be married to.

When he uses his genitals elsewhere you'll come back and tell us ok?

[Loni]

What a fine specimen you must be married to.

When he uses his genitals elsewhere you'll come back and tell us ok?

 

That would imply dear that every BS should kick their spouse to the curb because he will just do it again. I am not seeing a lot of that happening around here.

[Loni]

Indeed!

 

However, I don't think the poster was trying to blame the OW/OM for the cheating or expecting that it is their responsibility to keep the spouse faithful; it's a matter of principle on both people's parts. If someone robs a bank, tells me about it and then offers me some of the money, while I did not rob the bank, had no knowledge of their plans from beforehand, and it wasn't up to me to keep them from doing it, why would I agree to delight in the stolen goods? It's a matter of principle to opt out of it or I am just as much guilty.

 

The bolded is exactly my point. You cannot steal a spouse.

[bentnotbroken]

That would imply dear that every BS should kick their spouse to the curb because he will just do it again. I am not seeing a lot of that happening around here.

 

 

:confused:Then you aren't paying attention. There are as many who do the kicking as the reconciling.

[Loni]

:confused:Then you aren't paying attention. There are as many who do the kicking as the reconciling.

 

Really now? You have done a survey? The stats show that the majority of women attempt reconciliation and the majority of men don't. Please dispute at your leisure.

[bentnotbroken]

Really now? You have done a survey? The stats show that the majority of women attempt reconciliation and the majority of men don't. Please dispute at your leisure.

 

 

I can take all the stats I want and skew them to say what I want. So disputing you isn't necessary for me to know you aren't paying attention to the posters on here.

[whichwayisup]

Indeed!

 

However, I don't think the poster was trying to blame the OW/OM for the cheating or expecting that it is their responsibility to keep the spouse faithful; it's a matter of principle on both people's parts. If someone robs a bank, tells me about it and then offers me some of the money, while I did not rob the bank, had no knowledge of their plans from beforehand, and it wasn't up to me to keep them from doing it, why would I agree to delight in the stolen goods? It's a matter of principle to opt out of it or I am just as much guilty.

 

Exactly and thanks for wording it better for me.

[Glinda]

Really now? You have done a survey? The stats show that the majority of women attempt reconciliation and the majority of men don't. Please dispute at your leisure.

Is that why your MM took THREE YEARS to D?

 

You seem really threatened by spouses who reconcile. Why is that?

[Glinda]

I can take all the stats I want and skew them to say what I want. So disputing you isn't necessary for me to know you aren't paying attention to the posters on here.

Or any other infidelity or marriage building site.

[Spark1111]

Absolute rubbish. If you are looking for a woman/man to keep your spouse faithful you are delusional. Who wants a spouse who doesn't cheat for the sole reason that someone else won't have sex with them. Being faithful is not in the genitals but rather in the heart.

 

So could being unfaithfull....in the genitals with a willing partner and not necessarily from the heart.

[Spark1111]

Really now? You have done a survey? The stats show that the majority of women attempt reconciliation and the majority of men don't. Please dispute at your leisure.

 

The stats are inaccurate. The latest research shows that only slightly less men than women attempt reconciliation. And they are moving towards equal rapidly.

 

But five years later, the benchmark for a reconciliation to be deemed successful, more women remain married to cheating spouses than men. Why?

 

Men, who often stray for sex, appear to be more remorseful than women, who convince themselves they have strayed for true love. Women are harder to treat in MC and IC because they are LESS likely to show true remorse as they have convinced themselves they are in LOVE which justifies all. Fewer apologize for their affairs.

 

Their spouses, at the point, do divorce them in greater numbers. And who can blame them? Either you own your actions or you do not.

[MissBee]

The bolded is exactly my point. You cannot steal a spouse.[/QUOTE]

 

You sure can't.