N.A. Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Stay in an A if you knew how the BS was going to act after D-Day? Or are there any OW who have stayed after D-Day where the spouse completely went ape shyt on you? Here's the thing: I hold no ill will towards any OW on this forum as you are not the one that caused the pain and hurt in my life, however I do think that there are things that when and OW is in an A they do not consider. First and foremost: For the OW out there that are single, without children and whom have never been married. One day when you finally marry a man, do you want to be on the other end of this? Do you want to be THAT BS? Chances are it's going to happen. Chances are when that does happen there are going to be innocent lives of children involved. Chances are those children are then going to end up screwed up because of the life shattering event called "My dad cheated on my mom and then my parents got a divorce." Have you NEVER been in a relationship where you thought you were so in love with someone and then they just crushed all your hopes and dreams? That is what it feels like to be BETRAYED! Period! Also, when you finally do enter a relationship with someone other than the MM that you carried on an affair with and after crushing another woman's life her family, for stolen moments of lust, greed, selfishness, carelessness, etc. Are you going to be as willing to tell the man that you marry what you did? All of the talk of HONESTY and how HONEST your MM are to you, when it comes time for you to be HONEST with the MAN that you marry, are you going to do that? Are you going to be open and honest with him about your past and what you did? What you also don't consider are the moments that the BS and WS shared way before he met you. There was a bond and a love that created a union that was some how over shadowed by a WS selfish acts. I do believe that a couple can fall out of love with each other and cheating can take place, in those instances I can see where both would move on. However most affairs result in the BS and the WS trying to work things out, not for the sake of the children but for what it was that they had prior to the A coming to light. Relationships are hard, they all are no matter what kind of relationship that you are in. So, with that being said, chances are as an OW, you will end up being on the other end as a BS sooner or later. When you are, how do you think you will feel? What do you think that you will do to protect what you thought you had in your marriage, your children and everything that you built together in your life? I can tell you what I did.....I flipped SHYT on the OW! Plainly completely, flipped shyt! Not all or most BS's are the type of woman that is just going to lay down and let some other woman take over the man that SHE loved, HER husband, HER companion, HER confidant, HER father to her children, HER partner, HER soul mate, HER WORLD! It also seems that most OW think that the BS is going to sit back and cry, be sullen, have low self esteem, and just walk away, not a chance in he!!. As a matter of fact, some BS, as in my case get a sense of empowerment because we hold the cards. We hold the key to the stay or go. We after D-day have a sense that WE hold his ba!!s in the preverbial purse, not you..... You can make all the demands that you want, you can put a deadline on what you think you want to happen, chances are....he isn't going to be with you and I can tell you why. When a woman's family, whom she loves more than anything is threatened....we go on the defense. We can pull out our slutty clothes, langiere, do all the things sexually that we know he likes, because after all....we've been there a lot longer than you have and know a LOT more about his likes and dislikes than you do, same goes for cooking, and well just about anything about him. We can make him remember after the "affair fog" just exactly what is what about us that made him fall for us in the first place. After all, isn't this what all women do when we feel like OUR man is getting a little distant? We spice it up, we turn up the volume...... We will also fight for what we have, for our family and for the man that VOWED is love to us. We will tell the boss at your work even if it means that our WS will lose his job too. We will find out everything about you that we possibly can even if he lies to us, because deep down we know he is lying. We will attempt to make your life a living he!! as much as we possibly can because that is exactly what you did to ours. We will also make his life a living he!! if he chooses to stay for whatever reasons we can. When MM chose to stay, they are subjected to many different emotions. He is met with love, anger, hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. The emotions run the gammit but he chooses to stay and deal with those emotions and then starts to become the man that we fell in love with all over again doing anything that he can and in his power to make things right. You have to ask yourself, where do you fall into this equation? You will then be in the seat of the BS, wondering about everything that he said to you, every stolen moment there was between you, asking yourself if this was real then why would he do that to me, etc,etc. You then know for a fraction of a second what if feels like to be BETRAYED! You know what it feels like to have the man that you "thought loved you, cared for you, wanted you", lied to your face for nothing more than "something different", and you become nothing more than a bad decision in a moment of weakness because he does not choose to leave his wife whom after the fog lifts is the one person that he wants to be with. Is this what you want for your life??? Why do OW choose to put themselves through so much sorrow and so much pain? Why do OW choose to put the unsuspecting BS through all of this for nothing more than something that is stolen, moments, glimpses and trists when the fact of the matter is....the BS has it ALL and more than likely WILL have it all after D-Day!
herenow Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I see your point, but there are those of us who tell our cheating husbands that they have our blessing to go be with the OW. Most of these MM beg to stay, but we still show them the door. Then we have the moment of truth when some MM realized what they are about to lose and do the hard work to fix themselves and the marriage. If this happens, the OW becomes completely irrelevant to both the BW and the MM. IMO.
ladydesigner Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I see your point, but there are those of us who tell our cheating husbands that they have our blessing to go be with the OW. Most of these MM beg to stay, but we still show them the door. Then we have the moment of truth when some MM realized what they are about to lose and do the hard work to fix themselves and the marriage. If this happens, the OW becomes completely irrelevant to both the BW and the MM. IMO. Yes very true. My H knows I would be just fine without him and I have stated this many times. We both make the same money and I do most of the child-rearing so the door is open for him to leave if he would like. My H completely cut contact with the OW, which is when I received the messages that he was a liar from her. Guess he lied to her too.
BB07 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 From what I have seen in this forum many OWs are former BWs. I don't think they become OWs for payback. I believe they become OWs because they are at a certain stage in life where it seems logical. Going by the OP's previous posts, she was a former OW for a long time and is now a BS who's hubby had 2 ow and who is working on a reconciliation. So I wonder what her answers are to the questions she asked of other ow's. N.A. I'm not trying to discredit you by bringing up your past but I don't get the total pov of your post. Some of it yes......but other parts no.
OWoman Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 There's no "one size fits all" in these situations. Exactly! Tx Reeb!
LilyBart Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Stay in the M if you knew how your WH and his OW were going to act after D-Day? Would you stay in your M if you knew no matter what happened, the love, passion and connection that the APs have for each other could not be broken? If D-day should happen, they would just be forced to drive it deeper underground, become even better at covering up their tracks, allow each other time/space so the discovered partner could "reconcile" his M (since that person will be on a shorter leash for a while) only to reunite again and again? Your view is quite one-sided. You should consider all the variables.
Silly_Girl Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Stay in an A if you knew how the BS was going to act after D-Day? Or are there any OW who have stayed after D-Day where the spouse completely went ape shyt on you? Here's the thing: I hold no ill will towards any OW on this forum as you are not the one that caused the pain and hurt in my life, however I do think that there are things that when and OW is in an A they do not consider. First and foremost: For the OW out there that are single, without children and whom have never been married. One day when you finally marry a man, do you want to be on the other end of this? Do you want to be THAT BS? Chances are it's going to happen. Having thought very long and hard (for over a year) about him and about her, and about her and him. And about me, and me and him.... I think there's a lot of ways we're wiser than we were, have been through some pain, know the signs, and are COMPLETELY different to them in how we relate... I think we've as much or little chance as the next couple. And as I don't intend to spend the next fifty years of my life single to eliminate the prospect of being cheated on, I'm prepared to take my chances. I'd find it sad if, in general, folk were frightened to have an intimate or committed relationship because they'd been cheated on, or been the affair partner. Chances are when that does happen there are going to be innocent lives of children involved. Chances are those children are then going to end up screwed up because of the life shattering event called "My dad cheated on my mom and then my parents got a divorce." Have you NEVER been in a relationship where you thought you were so in love with someone and then they just crushed all your hopes and dreams? That is what it feels like to be BETRAYED! Period! I know. It's shocking and gut-wrenching and debilitating. I'm fortunate in that my relationship was not a long-established marriage with kids, but it sure did bloody hurt. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. (Don't look for the irony there, what with me having been in the affair, she cheated long and hard, way before he did. Not an excuse, just a relevant fact) Also, when you finally do enter a relationship with someone other than the MM that you carried on an affair with and after crushing another woman's life her family, for stolen moments of lust, greed, selfishness, carelessness, etc. Are you going to be as willing to tell the man that you marry what you did? I have been honest with all my friends, and my parents and sister (we're a tiny family). I was not ashamed actually. I was not proud that he was married, but was not ashamed of our love or of him. All his family and friends know the relationships overlapped. Although his marriage was barely existent, he still fundamentally was living there as her husband and pretending to the outer world that all was well. All of the talk of HONESTY and how HONEST your MM are to you, when it comes time for you to be HONEST with the MAN that you marry, are you going to do that? Are you going to be open and honest with him about your past and what you did? What you also don't consider are the moments that the BS and WS shared way before he met you. There was a bond and a love that created a union that was some how over shadowed by a WS selfish acts. I do believe that a couple can fall out of love with each other and cheating can take place, in those instances I can see where both would move on. However most affairs result in the BS and the WS trying to work things out, not for the sake of the children but for what it was that they had prior to the A coming to light. Yes those are very different scenarios and I think both are important and need to be acknowledged as genuine situations. Relationships are hard, they all are no matter what kind of relationship that you are in. So, with that being said, chances are as an OW, you will end up being on the other end as a BS sooner or later. When you are, how do you think you will feel? What do you think that you will do to protect what you thought you had in your marriage, your children and everything that you built together in your life? 'Protect'? That depends. I want my man to want to be with me, prioritise his relationship with me over that with another woman. I don't want to hold on to him if it's hollow. I worked really hard on my relationship for years, both when there was cheating and when there wasn't, but the effort wasn't reciprocated. I had to give up. No one can 'affair proof' their relationship. Maybe I've misunderstood your use of the word 'protect'. I can tell you what I did.....I flipped SHYT on the OW! Plainly completely, flipped shyt! Not all or most BS's are the type of woman that is just going to lay down and let some other woman take over the man that SHE loved, HER husband, HER companion, HER confidant, HER father to her children, HER partner, HER soul mate, HER WORLD! I never EVER blamed the OWs in my situation. I contacted a couple to let them know I existed, as I knew they'd been sold a story. I mean, I knew what he was like, they couldn't. One was my cousin. One was my best friend, the latter was the only one I held accountable... I loved her more than I loved him. She owed me more. The OW got grief, but what about your husband? I hope he got more? It also seems that most OW think that the BS is going to sit back and cry, be sullen, have low self esteem, and just walk away, not a chance in he!!. As a matter of fact, some BS, as in my case get a sense of empowerment because we hold the cards. We hold the key to the stay or go. We after D-day have a sense that WE hold his ba!!s in the preverbial purse, not you..... You can make all the demands that you want, you can put a deadline on what you think you want to happen, chances are....he isn't going to be with you and I can tell you why. I don't consider a wife who walks away to have low self esteem. Sometimes the backing away takes greater strength and makes for clearer, more dignified decisions in the longer run. Not sure I could do it. I'm much more likely to rant and rave and not sure it's done me any good! When a woman's family, whom she loves more than anything is threatened....we go on the defense. We can pull out our slutty clothes, langiere, do all the things sexually that we know he likes, because after all....we've been there a lot longer than you have and know a LOT more about his likes and dislikes than you do, same goes for cooking, and well just about anything about him. We can make him remember after the "affair fog" just exactly what is what about us that made him fall for us in the first place. After all, isn't this what all women do when we feel like OUR man is getting a little distant? We spice it up, we turn up the volume...... So can an affair help to revive a relationship and help remind the couple of what they had, and can have again, in your view? We will also fight for what we have, for our family and for the man that VOWED is love to us. We will tell the boss at your work even if it means that our WS will lose his job too. We will find out everything about you that we possibly can even if he lies to us, because deep down we know he is lying. We will attempt to make your life a living he!! as much as we possibly can because that is exactly what you did to ours. We will also make his life a living he!! if he chooses to stay for whatever reasons we can. Wow. I'd not imagined someone forcing their husband in to unemployment, but I guess if the working situation is such a threat to the marriage, I see the motivation. 'If he chooses to stay' with who? Apologies if this is a dumb question, if the BS can read all the lies told by WS, how was an affair possible? When MM chose to stay, they are subjected to many different emotions. He is met with love, anger, hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. The emotions run the gammit but he chooses to stay and deal with those emotions and then starts to become the man that we fell in love with all over again doing anything that he can and in his power to make things right. You have to ask yourself, where do you fall into this equation? You will then be in the seat of the BS, wondering about everything that he said to you, every stolen moment there was between you, asking yourself if this was real then why would he do that to me, etc,etc. You then know for a fraction of a second what if feels like to be BETRAYED! You know what it feels like to have the man that you "thought loved you, cared for you, wanted you", lied to your face for nothing more than "something different", and you become nothing more than a bad decision in a moment of weakness because he does not choose to leave his wife whom after the fog lifts is the one person that he wants to be with. Is this what you want for your life??? Why do OW choose to put themselves through so much sorrow and so much pain? Why do OW choose to put the unsuspecting BS through all of this for nothing more than something that is stolen, moments, glimpses and trists when the fact of the matter is....the BS has it ALL and more than likely WILL have it all after D-Day! Seems odd you would care about the OW suffering... Do you really feel a woman whose husband is having an affair 'has it all'. At that point 'all' wasn't working too well for him, it seems. Are you alright? Is this a bad day for you or are you generally angry? Sounds like you've been in the wars...
OldOnTheInside Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Stay in the M if you knew how your WH and his OW were going to act after D-Day? Would you stay in your M if you knew no matter what happened, the love, passion and connection that the APs have for each other could not be broken? If D-day should happen, they would just be forced to drive it deeper underground, become even better at covering up their tracks, allow each other time/space so the discovered partner could "reconcile" his M (since that person will be on a shorter leash for a while) only to reunite again and again? Your view is quite one-sided. You should consider all the variables. While this is a very good question OP...I was quite bemused by the flowery bolded segments. How about you? Are you alright? Is this a bad day for you or are you generally angry? Sounds like you've been in the wars... From what I know, OP is still going through the coping process after her d-day, at least to a certain degree. This is a good place to vent out your anger. I hope you feel better.
Loni Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 You can not make the OW feel bad because she does. not. care. I repeat, she. does. not. care. If anything, going bat**** on an OW just validates to her that you are threatened by her and is giving away your power. In the mind of the OW if you were so sure of your husband's love after D day the OW would be of no relevance to you. The best way to handle an OW after a bust is for wife to make the OW feel like you gathered up your belongings and took your stupid, remorseful, tail between his legs husband home on his ear. That would make her feel like all she was a walking vagina. Take lots of happy family photos and throw them up on FB and leave ONLY those photos visible to non friends. If he is not remorseful and decides to leave you and you go all bat**** the only thing that does is make the OW feel smug so either way you lose. How do I know this? I was the OW now wife.
Loni Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Yes Kristi, we are very happy. The children are as well. Family functions can get interesting though. At the last one his Ex W asked me if I minded if she danced with our husband. I said not at all and asked him to fetch me a drink when he was done. It is possible to effectively pee on your territory subtly.
carrie999 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Stay in an A if you knew how the BS was going to act after D-Day? Or are there any OW who have stayed after D-Day where the spouse completely went ape shyt on you?] Not what you want to hear, but in my case, that would make it easier for both me & MM. Our main fear is that she will spiral and become severely depressed and shut down. Anger shows strength, and shows that she'll make it through this. (Cutting parts of this) [Also, when you finally do enter a relationship with someone other than the MM that you carried on an affair with and after crushing another woman's life her family, for stolen moments of lust, greed, selfishness, carelessness, etc. Are you going to be as willing to tell the man that you marry what you did? All of the talk of HONESTY and how HONEST your MM are to you, when it comes time for you to be HONEST with the MAN that you marry, are you going to do that? Are you going to be open and honest with him about your past and what you did? ] If I end up with someone new, he will have full disclosure, yes. Not on the first date, but with time. Relationships are hard, they all are no matter what kind of relationship that you are in. So, with that being said, chances are as an OW, you will end up being on the other end as a BS sooner or later. When you are, how do you think you will feel? What do you think that you will do to protect what you thought you had in your marriage, your children and everything that you built together in your life? [i can tell you what I did.....I flipped SHYT on the OW! Plainly completely, flipped shyt! Not all or most BS's are the type of woman that is just going to lay down and let some other woman take over the man that SHE loved, HER husband, HER companion, HER confidant, HER father to her children, HER partner, HER soul mate, HER WORLD!] I don't blame you at all. I'd do the same. [It also seems that most OW think that the BS is going to sit back and cry, be sullen, have low self esteem, and just walk away, not a chance in he!!. As a matter of fact, some BS, as in my case get a sense of empowerment because we hold the cards. We hold the key to the stay or go. We after D-day have a sense that WE hold his ba!!s in the preverbial purse, not you..... You can make all the demands that you want, you can put a deadline on what you think you want to happen, chances are....he isn't going to be with you and I can tell you why.] Any OW who really believes there is a chance with the MM will wait it out, as long as he isn't reconsidering his marriage. Even in that case, if OW ends it, the marriage eventually ends and OW is still available... [When a woman's family, whom she loves more than anything is threatened....we go on the defense. We can pull out our slutty clothes, langiere, do all the things sexually that we know he likes, because after all....we've been there a lot longer than you have and know a LOT more about his likes and dislikes than you do, same goes for cooking, and well just about anything about him. We can make him remember after the "affair fog" just exactly what is what about us that made him fall for us in the first place. After all, isn't this what all women do when we feel like OUR man is getting a little distant? We spice it up, we turn up the volume......] I would too. However, you are taking into account your situation alone, and while it's true for many, it's not universal. Many married couples drift apart sexually, especially after having children. In my MM's case, their sex life has been a point of contention all along, and she never expressed interest or learned what he really wants. I'm not blaming her and neither is he. He was wrong to have an affair. Still, this is part of why I disagree with not having sex before marriage. Some people are incompatible on multiple levels. [We will also fight for what we have, for our family and for the man that VOWED is love to us. We will tell the boss at your work even if it means that our WS will lose his job too. We will find out everything about you that we possibly can even if he lies to us, because deep down we know he is lying. We will attempt to make your life a living he!! as much as we possibly can because that is exactly what you did to ours. We will also make his life a living he!! if he chooses to stay for whatever reasons we can.] Completely understandable, again. [When MM chose to stay, they are subjected to many different emotions. He is met with love, anger, hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. The emotions run the gammit but he chooses to stay and deal with those emotions and then starts to become the man that we fell in love with all over again doing anything that he can and in his power to make things right. You have to ask yourself, where do you fall into this equation? You will then be in the seat of the BS, wondering about everything that he said to you, every stolen moment there was between you, asking yourself if this was real then why would he do that to me, etc,etc. You then know for a fraction of a second what if feels like to be BETRAYED! You know what it feels like to have the man that you "thought loved you, cared for you, wanted you", lied to your face for nothing more than "something different", and you become nothing more than a bad decision in a moment of weakness because he does not choose to leave his wife whom after the fog lifts is the one person that he wants to be with. Is this what you want for your life??? Why do OW choose to put themselves through so much sorrow and so much pain? Why do OW choose to put the unsuspecting BS through all of this for nothing more than something that is stolen, moments, glimpses and trists when the fact of the matter is....the BS has it ALL and more than likely WILL have it all after D-Day! Right again. I wouldn't wish this on anybody...being any part of an affair, particularly the BS. As an OW, I hate knowing that I've played any role in the end of a marriage. If he was just a friend and there was no sex involved, I'd still be struggling with my role in pointing out marital issues, even if only as a "sounding board" for the unhappy spouse. I'm really sorry for what you've gone through, regardless of whether you cheated on your H or not (I caught something about you being an OW before). You make excellent points that everyone needs to consider, but there are so many factors involved for all parties in different affairs. Stay strong, and move past this. Hopefully everyone who ever visits this board can learn from our experiences and have healthy, happy relationships eventually.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I see your point, but there are those of us who tell our cheating husbands that they have our blessing to go be with the OW. Most of these MM beg to stay, but we still show them the door. Then we have the moment of truth when some MM realized what they are about to lose and do the hard work to fix themselves and the marriage. If this happens, the OW becomes completely irrelevant to both the BW and the MM. IMO. And in my experience.
Author N.A. Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Yes, it was pretty much a ticked off rant. :/ I am having a VERY hard time struggling with all of this crap! I have 4 children and my second to oldest broke down today, literally, broke down. It's been 4 months since D-Day and CH and I are attempting to work things out. It's a little hard when your teen daughter is telling you that she knows her bio father has cheated on her step mom and that now pretty much the only man that she has trusted has shyt on her as well. I have tried to comfort her and be as gracious in my statements as I can to her, however....honestly this SHYT BLOWS! Anyway, yes I told his boss. I have reasons for doing that. He risked his job, his family, my health, etc. To me his actions did nothing but prove he didn't give two shyts about his job, his family, etc. I also kicked his arse out for a extended period of time. As for my CH, there is no safe hiding for him....period. He get's it from all sides in this house. He get's it from me, my children, his family, our friends, my family, etc. My daughter is very opinionated and is really very angered with him. As for the person that asked me about his lies.....yes, I knew he was lying to me when I had asked him many times before. I had to wait for proof to throw in his face before all of the crap came out. What this boils down to is anger. I am ticked at her, him and this whole entire mess. Like I said, I am not taking this out on anyone on this thread. The questions were just that, questions. I apologize if anyone was offended by anything that I said. I as well as my children have suffered greatly because of my CH's actions. He seems to be remorseful and vows to be a better husband and father. He also says that it was stupid thing, an act done out of weakness which he will never repeat. He wishes that he can turn back time and never do what he did, blah blah blah...hindsight and all that crap. Yeah, I am still mad at him right now.
BB07 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time of it, NA. I hope things improve very soon. It's very difficult on the kids, I know because I'm the daughter of a father who had numerous ow. Take Care!
Author N.A. Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 Going by the OP's previous posts, she was a former OW for a long time and is now a BS who's hubby had 2 ow and who is working on a reconciliation. So I wonder what her answers are to the questions she asked of other ow's. N.A. I'm not trying to discredit you by bringing up your past but I don't get the total pov of your post. Some of it yes......but other parts no. Me being an "OW" was way before I ever married my current husband. I have never and would never cheat on my husband, period. I also understand that my situation was quite different than that of my current situation with my WS.
Author N.A. Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time of it, NA. I hope things improve very soon. It's very difficult on the kids, I know because I'm the daughter of a father who had numerous ow. Take Care! Thanks BB I am trying. She is now finally going to bed. Ugh....it's been a very loooong day.
pureinheart Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Yes, it was pretty much a ticked off rant. :/ I am having a VERY hard time struggling with all of this crap! I have 4 children and my second to oldest broke down today, literally, broke down. It's been 4 months since D-Day and CH and I are attempting to work things out. It's a little hard when your teen daughter is telling you that she knows her bio father has cheated on her step mom and that now pretty much the only man that she has trusted has shyt on her as well. I have tried to comfort her and be as gracious in my statements as I can to her, however....honestly this SHYT BLOWS! Anyway, yes I told his boss. I have reasons for doing that. He risked his job, his family, my health, etc. To me his actions did nothing but prove he didn't give two shyts about his job, his family, etc. I also kicked his arse out for a extended period of time. As for my CH, there is no safe hiding for him....period. He get's it from all sides in this house. He get's it from me, my children, his family, our friends, my family, etc. My daughter is very opinionated and is really very angered with him. As for the person that asked me about his lies.....yes, I knew he was lying to me when I had asked him many times before. I had to wait for proof to throw in his face before all of the crap came out. What this boils down to is anger. I am ticked at her, him and this whole entire mess. Like I said, I am not taking this out on anyone on this thread. The questions were just that, questions. I apologize if anyone was offended by anything that I said. I as well as my children have suffered greatly because of my CH's actions. He seems to be remorseful and vows to be a better husband and father. He also says that it was stupid thing, an act done out of weakness which he will never repeat. He wishes that he can turn back time and never do what he did, blah blah blah...hindsight and all that crap. Yeah, I am still mad at him right now. Hi NA, With you being a former OW, and even though the situation was different, is it possible for you to venture into a place of forgiveness based on the fact that you have been there before? The reason I asked this is because of the bolded. I totally understand your anger and hurt, although staying in this place is not good for any of you. This is in no way any offence to you, this is just how I would feel. Being around people who hated or were angry with me all of the time...I wouldn't want to be around any of them and would feel really good about leaving and never looking back, that's just me though. After I've said I'm sorry, while I understand there is a period of getting over the anger, after awhile I wouldn't be able to handle it. Based on what you said about him never doing it again, I say work hard towards forgiveness, understanding that all of us mess up in both big and small ways...life is way too short...be happy as as you can and have a happy M...that is what will ensure fidelity. Good luck NA
OWoman Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 My H's xW was apeshizzle to begin with, so she hadn't anywhere to go, really... She did unravel. But because she was in denial about my existence, she did not direct it at me. I did wonder how I would respond if she did - and I have to admit that I've never lost a fight that I was invested in, so I would probably have retaliated in an escalating way and it would have gotten very ugly so I'm glad it did not come to that. It would have been horrible for the kids
MissBee Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 One part of the post I resonate with is the "going ape shyt" part. Not to minimize the rest of the post, as it had other salient points, but one reason I would never knowingly do the OW thing again is that you're really playing with fire and often have no idea what exactly you're dealing with. No matter what MM may say or think himself As the OP said, when a woman is hurt and things she cares about is threatened, a flip in her brain can switch and the CRAZY turns on! Anyone ever watch the documentary show "Snapped" about women who murder in an instant of vengeance? The married man himself may have NEVER seen his wife react in a violent, stark raving mad way... Anyway....I wouldn't choose to be a part of an affair again and that is one of the more practical concerns. What if all comes to light and the BS transforms into a lunatic (and rightfully so)....then where am I left? With a WHOLE bunch of drama I could have avoided by not messing with someone else's husband. I think that's something to think about that would deter me every time. The cons far outweigh the pros so I don't care what anyone else says, choosing to be in an affair is way less "convenient" and rather irrational when the likely risks are taken into account.
Silly_Girl Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I don't care what anyone else says, choosing to be in an affair is way less "convenient" and rather irrational when the likely risks are taken into account. MUCH less convenient, yes! Irrational? Not sure, but it's definitely not most sensible, in my view.
spice4life Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Me being an "OW" was way before I ever married my current husband. I have never and would never cheat on my husband, period. I also understand that my situation was quite different than that of my current situation with my WS. I am glad that you came back and clarified. Like you, there are many OWs here who were in situations they consider different too. Perhaps this situation has unleashed some repressed anger from being an OW in the past? I understand you are hurt, but it's not really fair to take your frustrations out on a group of strangers who are going through their own struggles. Your anger needs to directed at your H.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 I just occured to me (and correct me if I am wrong), I don't recall seeing any LS's that were an OW turned W then BS... We have OW, BS turned OW, OW turned W's. BS and that is that. But an OW that actually M her MM and then he cheated and left her for his next OW???? Do we have any? Or no other OW turned BS would admit to it? Just wondering... Or even someone who once was an OW, M someone other than her xMM then turns BS. Is there anyone here with that story line? It's sad that half the posters here disrespect each other based on their positions in a R. OW call BS's all sorts of names and plainly dump so much shyte on a person that has done nothing to them and vice versa. I think I am taking the summer off... N.A. I hope you are ok. Your post sounds like some drama triggered it. (hugs)
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 You can not make the OW feel bad because she does. not. care. I repeat, she. does. not. care. If anything, going bat**** on an OW just validates to her that you are threatened by her and is giving away your power. In the mind of the OW if you were so sure of your husband's love after D day the OW would be of no relevance to you. The best way to handle an OW after a bust is for wife to make the OW feel like you gathered up your belongings and took your stupid, remorseful, tail between his legs husband home on his ear. That would make her feel like all she was a walking vagina. Take lots of happy family photos and throw them up on FB and leave ONLY those photos visible to non friends. If he is not remorseful and decides to leave you and you go all bat**** the only thing that does is make the OW feel smug so either way you lose. How do I know this? I was the OW now wife. You wouldn't happen to know every single OW out there? Just wondering... I wish you are as strong as you were as an OW if one day you have to be a BS. Wish you well! Remember, life has unpredictable.
Mimolicious Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Oh I see N.A. actually fits my last question. Nevah mind!!
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