OofWhack Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend of 2years recently started a new "text" friendship with a female coworker. I have no issues with this, except for a couple of weeks, he was working... A LOT.... he wasn't responding to my texts, etc, etc. So I went on to his cell phone account and saw him textn her over 50+ times a day, calling her a couple of times. I asked about it and he got upset that I looked at his records. I don't know why I did, maybe because he was ignoring me and I wanted to see how "busy" he really was. It turned into a bit of drama because he knew I was a little "jealous" of her so he told me it was someone else, changed the name in his phonebook to the "other person". He fabricated this entire story over 3 days while I knew the absolute truth. It took a lot for me not to overreact and throw him out. The night I found out who she was and text him about it, he text her and said they probably shouldn't text anymore. Once we got to the bottom of the drama, I understood it to be "innocent" and I believe him, however, he's still not "sharing info". I have to ask if I want to know anything and I was afraid to ask. So I went onto his account again. I was upset to see that he again initiated the "texting" the following day after we talked. Since he said they were texting so much because she had some drama with her bf and father yada yada. When I asked him why he would do that, knowing how we just had barely worked this out (9hrs previous), he had no response other than "why are you looking at my records again?". I told him because I was afraid to ask about her, didn't want to appear too nosy and wanted to know if he resumed communications, which he did. I told him if it bothered him that much then change his pword. I've told him to do this on 3 other occasions but he didn't. Said, "I don't have anything to hide". So I believed that this gave me carte blanche to look whenever I felt it. So the next day, today, he went on and changed his cell password on his online account, blocking me out. I know I shouldn't have access to his account & I told him to change it, but NOW I feel like he DOES have something to hide. Am I blowing this way out of proportion?? I am old enough to know better but am still little jealous of 20yr old text buddy.. (he's known her since she's 10 but she just started working with him and he hasn't seen her in 8yrs). He's 38. Thanks in advance for any advice to help me stop agonizing over this... Edited June 9, 2011 by OofWhack more info needed
Woman In Blue Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Ewwww. A guy whose almost 40 slobbering over a 20 year old girl, fresh out of her teens and high school. How inappropriate in so many different ways. Men in their near-40's don't waste hours texting about the weather and Lady Gaga and the show Twilight with little 20 year old girls that are barely women - unless there's something in it for them. Just the fact that your boyfriend claimed he'd stop acting like a neanderthal and quit texting little Lolita - when he had NO intention of stopping and went right back to it the next day - is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry, but I think you're being hugely naive to believe his intentions and actions are 'innocent' when it comes to this girl. It's pretty damned sad that he'll ignore messages from YOU hour after hour because he's too busy perving after a young girl at work.
Ouroboros Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 If you ever have to ask yourself that about anyone then you no longer can. 1
Damia Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 secrets are a BIG red flag .If it is all innocent why hide stuff?Trust your instincts they are yelling that something just does not add up.Don't let him make you into the "bad guy"for asking questions.
Author OofWhack Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 I appreciate all your comments and really believe that I am not going crazy but that this could ultimately seal our fate. I am asking the GUYS out there.. the honest ones, please... can YOU have a plutonic relationship with a young female? Even one that you think is hot? Girls do it all the time however seems the guys have issues with this. He tends to "gravitate" toward forming friendships with women more than men, in fact that is how we started out. I was friends with one of his ex-girlfriends... I'm so confused.
isthischeating Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Yes - you can. My best friend at work is one that is in her early 30's and we hv been friend for the last 7 yrs. She is married with 2 kids and so am I. I am in my early 40's. I guess a lot of it depends on the guy and his intentions. But I really see a lot of very poor comments being made here which I can only relate to as male bashing. Good luck. PS - Never really thought that I would be writing on one of these boards, just wanted some perspective to my situation. Maybe you could comment on my predicament.
Silivren Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 I'm not a male basher. I would like to point out something about the amount of time he seems to be investing in someone else when he is too busy to answer your texts. The secrecy is a big issue. If he has nothing to hide and he is innocent, why is he hiding it? I had an issue with my man texting other women behind my back and we worked it out. If it bothers you - IT BOTHERS YOU. That is how you feel. My bf was respectful enough to listen to my point of view on the issue and now no longer does that. It's a simple matter of communication and respect. It doesn't have to be the end. But you have no relationship if there is no trust and respect. I sincerely hope this is a hiccup for you and this can be worked out in your favor.
Only Gal Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Ewwww. A guy whose almost 40 slobbering over a 20 year old girl, fresh out of her teens and high school. How inappropriate in so many different ways. Men in their near-40's don't waste hours texting about the weather and Lady Gaga and the show Twilight with little 20 year old girls that are barely women - unless there's something in it for them. Just the fact that your boyfriend claimed he'd stop acting like a neanderthal and quit texting little Lolita - when he had NO intention of stopping and went right back to it the next day - is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry, but I think you're being hugely naive to believe his intentions and actions are 'innocent' when it comes to this girl. It's pretty damned sad that he'll ignore messages from YOU hour after hour because he's too busy perving after a young girl at work. yeap. i agree 100%. He LIED to you. don't want to be fooled by him anymore. it doesnt matter how long they've known each other. it's a matter of priority. why cant he replied u, or put more intention to u then this girl he havent met for 8 years. he supposed to replied your text 1st before hers. and he knows u have an issue of "jealous" to this girl, so he shouldnt keep doing it especially after he told u he would stop. men breaking their promise --> big NO NO. my ex did that to me, he should respect your feelings 1st before anybody else. AND HE BLOCKED YOU OUT OF HIS ACCOUNT! means that he defended n protected her feelings before yours. if he's trying just 'help" her out of her situation, then why can't he try to help u out of this? it would affects your confidence in your relationship. have u told him that?
Author OofWhack Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 ... I know he lied. This is the part I struggle with the most. I don't even care that he was chatting with the 20yr old, whoop-de-do, if you want it, have at it. I even told him that. But the deceit...all because he was afraid I would overreact and think bad things. Really??? I would think your ACTIONS would make me think MORE is going on rather than less... but I digress. It's been a week since my OP and the anger has subsided but not all of the hurt... I trust that we will work through this issue. I have decided to forgive and (try to) forget this incident and move on. It is very difficult and when I get upset by this, I see it in his eyes, too. He made a mistake and is truly sorry for it. I just hope he truly remembers the unnecessary pain and anguish he caused and doesn't go this route again. If he does, he is now aware of the consequences. I know a lot of you out there are rolling your eyes, shaking your heads and muttering "stupid beotch".... but really, this forum is for reaching out and venting. Nobody comes here to be judged, just understood. Not all guys who do things wrong are cheaters, aholes, or otherwise. Not all women who cheat are sluts. Sometimes its easier to share these awkward moments with total strangers than those closest to us that can actually do more harm to the relationship. I thank all of you that took the time to read and respond and gave me a lot to think about. As did he when we finally got it all out. It would appear that I am not perfect either, dammit!!! I am going to try and work on that.....
isthischeating Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Thanks for writing back on my post. I hope all goes well with yr situation. Quite honestly to me it seems like roles reversed and If I were to speak from the your mans perspective, forgive becoz in our hearts v hv nothing to hide. Other situations that I read about the week I signed up here seem a lot more drastic. There's a lot more to life than keeping a grudge becoz u were not told before the fact - Good Luck:)
veggirl Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 Sick. Your boyfriend is flirting with someone who is barely legal and he has known since she was a LITTLE GIRL. :sick: There is nothing okay about this situation. SHADY.
thatone Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I appreciate all your comments and really believe that I am not going crazy but that this could ultimately seal our fate. I am asking the GUYS out there.. the honest ones, please... can YOU have a plutonic relationship with a young female? Even one that you think is hot? Girls do it all the time however seems the guys have issues with this. He tends to "gravitate" toward forming friendships with women more than men, in fact that is how we started out. I was friends with one of his ex-girlfriends... I'm so confused. i'll be the honest one...no, you can't. what the hell would a 40 year old and a 20 year old talk about? scenario: i'm 34, i have younger friends a couple of which used to work for me, and i have a pool so they wind up here in the summers to swim and grill and what not. i don't even consider the 19 and 20 year olds they bring with them, no matter how good they look (and trust me, they do, and they know they do). put it this way, what would her father think if he met your husband and found out she was talking to a man that was his age, or very near his age?
Author OofWhack Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) @Neal, thanks for your honesty, I really appreciate it. I would have to agree with you and some of the other posters. It's not right, my gut is telling me that there is far more going on here than he's admitting to. Thing is, every time I confront him and I know the truth, he tells the truth. He is sugar coating it a bit and I have been a relentless detective. It sucks. I had it out with him yesterday for the very last time. I set the ground rules moving forward. Let's see which head he decides to think with if 'i mean so much' to him.......... I thank you all for your input Edited June 20, 2011 by OofWhack
Author OofWhack Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 @isthischeating... I agree its a bit of role reversal and I believe you can THINK you can have these plutonic friendships (not sexually attracted) however, there is the whole aspect of "Emotional affair" whereby your attention is engrossed in the computer chatting for hours with web friends while your wife and family go on about their business, clueless to your whole other "double life". I am starting to get bitter over this with my bf. I don't find anything out until I make a big stink or have an emotional breakdown (this is extremely unhealthy). How do I get him to understand this??? Is your situation any clearer to you since you started talking on here?
Author OofWhack Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) this is a tough one........ Edited June 20, 2011 by OofWhack
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